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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think calling the samaritans makes you feel worse

279 replies

Fuckinlonely · 30/01/2021 20:18

I've seen it suggested to call the samaritans if you are struggling on here a lot. Aibu to think that the people who suggest this have never done it? I phoned and was asked what was wrong. I explained loneliness was making me depressed. She then proceeded to ask if I had a partner (no), close relationship with my family (no), friends willing to meet up (no). I asked her to stop making me feel worse. She then suggested going for a walk or going online. I explained that those ideas had actually occurred to me over the previous 10 months. She said I can call back anytime. What the actual fuck do people get out of this?!

OP posts:
wardrobesandthebackofthem · 30/01/2021 23:09

Whatdoyoudo

I think you've twisted their intent there.

NoIDontLikeTrains · 30/01/2021 23:10

@wardrobesandthebackofthem

Whatdoyoudo

I think you've twisted their intent there.

No, they very much will do that if that's what you want.
CookieMumsters · 30/01/2021 23:13

Theyre a listening service, I think the crux of it is, phoning them will only help if talking will help. There are lots of circumstances when that might be the case; when you have a big decision to make; if you've had an argument and need to offload; if you've had a bereavement... but if you're just desperately low because of depression, maybe it isn't the service you need.

Its a one of a kind service, offered 24/7 free to anyone with no limit or affiliation (eg church). That's why its often recommended.

JovialNickname · 30/01/2021 23:14

I think the Samaritans provide a wonderful and importance service, but it is true that they're not a magic solution, and cannot be all things to all people. They are a listening ear, and also only human. I'm sure they get it wrong at times. To me however they have been an incredible help and I hope that nobody is put off calling them by this thread.

wardrobesandthebackofthem · 30/01/2021 23:16

NoIDontLikeTrains

I'm not sure what you're basing that on. They will not hang up on you if you have taken an overdose. But they're not a companion service for Dignitas. They're there primarily to help you find a different way.

NoIDontLikeTrains · 30/01/2021 23:18

Basing it on what they say about themselves in their materials, and also experience. They consider it part of what they're there to do. The hope is that you'll decide you don't need to, but they'll respect your decision to kill yourself and stay with you, if that's what you want.

Letsrunabath · 30/01/2021 23:18

I called them once and was not impressed, I don’t think they are there to help and suggest just to be a listening ear, as such it wasn’t what I needed.
I’m sure they are really helpful for other people.

JovialNickname · 30/01/2021 23:20

No good deed goes unpunished eh Grin

Chocolatethief · 30/01/2021 23:21

No it did happen he said he had done it for other people I'm not asking you to believe me just saying my latest experience I have also had good experiences with them before. No I didnt complain I wasnt really in the right frame of mind to do that.

JovialNickname · 30/01/2021 23:28

Rummikub

I’ve found them hit and miss. One man tried to meet me when I was feeling my most vulnerable.

When you say this, do you mean that the person you were speaking to asked if you'd like to have a face to face appointment instead of speaking on the phone? As this is something the Samaritans offer, particularly to the most vulnerable.

If this was not the case and he tried to meet you at a bar or something then that's awful, and you need to make a complaint at the highest level. But if it's actually the above then please don't say these unfounded things to bring their charity into disrepute.

CityCommuter · 30/01/2021 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Caspah · 30/01/2021 23:34

@Chocolatethief

The last time that I rang the samaritans I was feeling very suicidal and the guy agreed that I had thought it through and knew the consequences and then offered to stay on the phone while I did it. Thankfully my mental health team were aware of how I was feeling and had already contacted the emergency services.
The Samaritans have had a really bad press on this thread. They are a listening service for those who want to talk, not an advisory service, so that can be disappointing for some. If somebody is suicidal, and they know where they are, the Samaritans can't pass on the address to the authorities, eg to get an ambulance, unless they're given permission by the caller, even if it's to save a life. This is because any information exchanged between the caller and the samaritan is confidential.

However, if someone is really determined that suicide is the only way out, I'm glad there are people that will be there with you to the end, even if they don't know you.

Fatandfifty49 · 30/01/2021 23:39

@Fuckinlonely sounds as if the lady didn't know what to say and I must admit, her help seems a bit lacklustre.

Loneliness is a really tricky one and I suffered terribly when younger. All the standard advice seems to get wheeled out - join a club, go to an art class, volunteer - and I didn't find any of this helpful. Ever. I even had a counsellor suggest this.

What did help me was forcing myself to talk to people I did know more openly and honestly and I discovered this through CBT.

I also realised, because of my state of mind, I had existed in a sheltered fashion for some time and my judgement of people was skewed. I lowered my expectations of those I had nothing in common with and grew more ruthless in trusting my instincts .

I hope you find a way out soon. These are challenging times and it's difficult to meet people right now or dig oneself out of a deep depression. Be kind to yourself and don't accept unkindness towards yourself

Fatandfifty49 · 30/01/2021 23:47

@Caspah are you sure? Every service I've used has insisted they offer confidentiality unless someone is at risk - even Confession

KingAndQueen · 30/01/2021 23:47

Completely agree. They were awful with me- couldn't wait to get me off the phone.

I'm sorry.

eeek88 · 30/01/2021 23:52

It’s hit and miss, they’re all volunteers at the end of the day. I’ve rung about 4 times, never actually feeling suicidal, just very low and didn’t feel I had anybody else to talk to.

The first time I rang I spoke to a woman who I felt just implicitly understood me. I was convinced she’d experienced the exact same problems as me and she made me feel loads better.

But I once got a bloke who just seemed very wet and I didn’t really click with him.

The other times were helpful but none of them were on a par with the first amazing lady. I wish I could thank her more.

Rummikub · 31/01/2021 00:01

@JovialNickname

He meant a date.

As I’ve said previously I have used the service more than once. He was the only one that was predatory. It was a few years ago. And I have continually said the other times the volunteers were kind and supportive.

I do understand though why posters are saying they didn’t find them helpful or made things worse.
I also appreciate that it’s a voluntary and most likely underfunded and overwhelmed.

lydia2021 · 31/01/2021 00:04

Ladies.... you are missing a trick here. You have each other. Start a thread of support for anyone who needs extra support right now. We need mumsnet to put Extra Support in Topics. If I was computer nerdy I would do it. But I cant, it's impossible to excel at everything.
Fuckinlonely, I feel for you, Samaritans is the same as work, family, society, or social media. In short, As a child, I was told that through life I would like some people more than others. It's very true, you were just unlucky that day or night you called Samaritans and had someone on the other end who simply didn't get you. Ask the mums for support, and anyone who doesnt have empathy for you isnt worth bothering with. You are a great person, and you and others, such ss myself need real support from time to time. Reach out and ask for support from us.

rosielee · 31/01/2021 00:12

I think all their abundant advertising should say: "This line is staffed by volunteers, and what you are offered by them may or may not be helpful." And maybe encourage people to hang up and try for a different volunteer, in the hope of getting an empathic one.

I have also known really horrible people who boasted about being a Samaritan. I agree with the OP. Maybe people should try giving them a call before ever recommending them to others?

Rummikub · 31/01/2021 00:13

@lydia2021

Ladies.... you are missing a trick here. You have each other. Start a thread of support for anyone who needs extra support right now. We need mumsnet to put Extra Support in Topics. If I was computer nerdy I would do it. But I cant, it's impossible to excel at everything. Fuckinlonely, I feel for you, Samaritans is the same as work, family, society, or social media. In short, As a child, I was told that through life I would like some people more than others. It's very true, you were just unlucky that day or night you called Samaritans and had someone on the other end who simply didn't get you. Ask the mums for support, and anyone who doesnt have empathy for you isnt worth bothering with. You are a great person, and you and others, such ss myself need real support from time to time. Reach out and ask for support from us.
Great post
rosielee · 31/01/2021 00:27

More than half the people who voted say ringing the Samaritans makes you feel worse.

Bikely · 31/01/2021 00:50

I'm a Samaritan. I'm sorry that so many people have had bad experiences. That's really disappointing to hear.

It's correct that we're a listening service, and that we are not meant to give advice or try to find solutions. I completely understand that for many people this isn't useful. And like with everything else, some Samaritans are better than others. I'd say that if you get a Samaritan you don't click with please try again. It's a national number so the chances of you getting the same person again are very low.

We get a huge amount of sex callers and or fantasists. Some shifts that's all you get. But just ones"good" call makes up for all that, and all the Samaritans I know feel the same way. We want to help, we want our callers to leave us feeling better and calmer, but our hands are tied in many ways.

Flowers to all of you who are struggling,

Bikely · 31/01/2021 00:54

I think one of the reasons we are promoted so widely is because mental health services are just snowed under. Many of our callers need much more specialised help than we can give. But there are some callers who do benefit from a listening ear, and I know that there are people out there who have felt better for ringing us.

purpleme12 · 31/01/2021 01:05

It's just so awful and shocking about the sex callers!
What do you do when that happens?

JaceLancs · 31/01/2021 01:06

DF was a Samaritan volunteer for many years - I can only imagine he was a good one as he was the sort of person who asked how you were and genuinely wanted to know and would spend hours listening
I volunteered for a similar service for students years ago when I was training to be a counsellor and hope I was able to help most of the people I talked to
I work for a different charity now and although we don’t provide counselling or crisis services do get calls from many people in distress - it can be quite difficult as a listener - so many people are struggling with life at the moment and we don’t have the answers
We also have to consider safeguarding policies and procedures and try and find out what support people have and if we need to refer them or make interventions