To think calling the samaritans makes you feel worse

[Fuckinlonely]

I've seen it suggested to call the samaritans if you are struggling on here a lot. Aibu to think that the people who suggest this have never done it? I phoned and was asked what was wrong. I explained loneliness was making me depressed. She then proceeded to ask if I had a partner (no), close relationship with my family (no), friends willing to meet up (no). I asked her to stop making me feel worse. She then suggested going for a walk or going online. I explained that those ideas had actually occurred to me over the previous 10 months. She said I can call back anytime. What the actual fuck do people get out of this?!

Well it sounds though, with the exclusion of the poster who was taken advantage of, some posters actually are!

I have a few friends and family members who have volunteered over the years and I’m in awe of what they do. It’s an essential service that has been crucial to so many.

Like I say it’s all about connection really.

No we are just sharing our experiences about how upsetting we found calling. Sorry it feels personal.

@TiredUselessHopeless

The Samaritans are all volunteers. They get up at all kinds of hours and put in a lot of emotional investment to help people in crisis. They do it because they want to do it.

More often than not they get verbal abuse from people who are drunk, have more calls from men masturbating than from people in distress, have people who are calling the service for no reason, have fantasists calling up telling them their twisted and disturbing fantasies, have rape threats from prisoners.

Yet they sit there trying to listen and trying to help the person on the other end of the phone because that person might actually be genuine underneath all that and need someone to talk things through with.

Then there are the times that they actually have to be there for someone as they are actively self harming or even in the process of taking their own life. They become the last voice that someone hears.

It’s about connection. Some people you connect with some you don’t. It’s unfortunate if they don’t work for everyone who calls. But they have their limits. They are already flat out due to the events of the last year with increasing numbers of calls from people who can’t handle loneliness and isolation any more. People who literally have no one else to speak to in day to day life and are so distressed and anxious by the current situation.

We are on the tip of a mental health crisis due to Covid. Charities such as Samaritans will be relied on like never before to support the mess that Covid has left.

Exactly this. I stopped volunteering due to everything mentioned in the second paragraph as it was so demoralising.

Samaritans are not equipped to replace a chronically underfunded mental health service. The expectations put on their volunteers are unreasonable and unhelpful to the callers who feel disappointed as a result.

I'm shocked by the bad experiences people have had calling the Samaritans. I was a Sam over twenty years ago - the men and women I volunteered with were (mostly) amazing but maybe our branch was fortunate. We went through a rigorous training process and those who showed judgemental traits or who just wanted to give advice and not listen properly didn't get through.

I do recall the high level of sex callers - we were told to try and engage them by asking the usual questions we'd ask a regular caller but to hang up if you couldn't 'get through' to them.

I always remember one call I took when the man was trying to keep up the sex talk and I was trying to get him to talk to me properly and in the end he hung up saying "you're just too nice I can't do this anymore."

I've called them twice since those days and both times they were great.

It’s a very hard topic to discuss

With most problems you can let people talk on , as much of the time
They need a listening ear

But it seems with loneliness people
Go straight into solution mode

I’d ask you OP what did you want ?
A friendly ear
Or a discussion as to why this is so
Have you always felt lonely , or is this exacerbated by lockdown ?

I know what I would do
But it might not be a
Solution for you

The two times I’ve called they helped
I also called anxiety UK
A mental health line
Women’s aid
And I once had a lovely chap on the work assistance line

I think sometimes I just need to talk to someone !!!

Don’t we all

I called them when I was in a very dark place about 20 years ago. I was incredibly lonely, totally isolated from friends and family and had just escaped a very toxic relationship and was feeling completely hopeless.

The man I spoke to pretty much berated me for not getting out to help myself. He reinforced my view of myself that I was useless and abnormal (one of the things my ex used to beat me with). I came off the phone in more despair than when I had called. He didn’t listen, he just told me off for not trying hard enough.

I didn’t ever call again. I’ve spent most of the last decade trying to access woeful MH services in this country and understand that they’re trying to plug that hole but some of the volunteers seem to be very unsuited to the role.

I'm so sorry for everyone who has had a bad experience. I really am. That's obviously not what Samaritans are aiming for. As mentioned upthread, the training is quite intense and there are some "must do's" and some "must not's". But that still leaves a lot of leeway for volunteers and I suppose it's a fact that some people are more empathetic than others, some people seem to be more abrupt, some people more laid back etc. There is so much emphasis during training and beyond that the callers are our main priority. It's sad that many of you have felt quite the opposite.

One of the vilest men I know was a volunteer for them for a few years I believe.

@HHSchultz

One of the vilest men I know was a volunteer for them for a few years I believe.

Vile in what way?

A friend of mine called them when he was having a breakdown. He has a very strong accent and was accused by the samaritan person of making it up, they refused to believe that it was just the way he spoke. He asked to speak to the manager and the situation was resolved and he said in the end it was a good chat.

Hello OP, we are really so sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.

As you've mentioned, we also generally signpost folk to the Samaritans website as many people do find them helpful - you can email them on [email protected]. But perhaps you'll find that one of the other organisations mentioned in our webguide is more helpful for you?

Support from other Mumsnetters is wonderful and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters on this thread, but as other MNers will tell you, it's important to seek real life help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's difficult twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare. This is the internet, after all, and we can never vouch 100 per cent for anyone on here. For that reason, we wouldn't advise posters to contact each other off the boards.

Thanks all.

Rowena, he is a misogynistic, lying, gaslighting , drunken bully.

Not sure why Samaritans would try to 'weed' out potential volunteers who were trying to get on in a psychology or other mental health related career, surely a genuine interest in mental health is a good thing? But it works both ways I guess, psychology graduates are often warned not to be exploited by charities in order to gain the experience they need for postgraduate course entry.

@aintnothinbutagstring

Not sure why Samaritans would try to 'weed' out potential volunteers who were trying to get on in a psychology or other mental health related career, surely a genuine interest in mental health is a good thing? But it works both ways I guess, psychology graduates are often warned not to be exploited by charities in order to gain the experience they need for postgraduate course entry.

They're weeded out because very often they're using Samaritans as a stepping stone. This isn't what we want - we want committed volunteers who will stay with us, especially after the intensive training. And in any case, being a Samaritan won't necessarily help in their desire to become a mental health professional/get on a psychology degree etc - as people have said we don't give advice, we don't solve problems, we give emotional support and a listening ear.

@aintnothinbutagstring

Not sure why Samaritans would try to 'weed' out potential volunteers who were trying to get on in a psychology or other mental health related career, surely a genuine interest in mental health is a good thing? But it works both ways I guess, psychology graduates are often warned not to be exploited by charities in order to gain the experience they need for postgraduate course entry.

They are not necessarily weeded out. They are asked to be upfront about their reasons, and to give a minimum 2 year commitment to the Samaritans if they pass their training

@aintnothinbutagstring

Not sure why Samaritans would try to 'weed' out potential volunteers who were trying to get on in a psychology or other mental health related career, surely a genuine interest in mental health is a good thing? But it works both ways I guess, psychology graduates are often warned not to be exploited by charities in order to gain the experience they need for postgraduate course entry.

Because they want volunteers who will stick around and not just use being a Samaritan as a way to do something else. I used to volunteer with St John Ambulance.... you would get a ton of late teens signing up so they could mention it in applications for med school. They would do the training then you would never see them again.

I was suicidal at uni in another country aged 22. Went to the counsellor totally at my wits end on a Friday afternoon. She said that she had time off in lieu owed so was going to spend the weekend in a ski resort with her family so I could see her next Weds if I was still feeling ‘low’
Never forgotten and now wouldn’t see a counsellor if she gad a fire extinguisher and I was on fire.

@EmmanuelleMakro

I was suicidal at uni in another country aged 22. Went to the counsellor totally at my wits end on a Friday afternoon. She said that she had time off in lieu owed so was going to spend the weekend in a ski resort with her family so I could see her next Weds if I was still feeling ‘low’ Never forgotten and now wouldn’t see a counsellor if she gad a fire extinguisher and I was on fire.

So she was not available to work those hours. Would you have preferred she had just said ‘l am not available until Wednesday’. Not sure what your gripe is exactly. ?

What are the samaritans getting out of dismissing the negative experiences on this thread? Genuinely curious.

@Fuckinlonely

What are the samaritans getting out of dismissing the negative experiences on this thread? Genuinely curious.

What Samaritans are dismissing negative experiences? Genuinely curious

Maybe some of the people who On here who say it’s isn’t being done right would like to volunteer themselves? If you know what would or wouldn’t help you, maybe you could translate that experience into helping someone else?

Not sure what your gripe is exactly is what you said. I thought it was obvious that asking someone to not be suicidal till next Wednesday isnt helpful.

They’re not trained counsellors, although I expect some overstep into that line of conversation when they really shouldn’t.
However an acquaintance is a Samaritan volunteer and they are very liberal with sharing snippets of calls, so they’re probably the last people I would call.

@Fuckinlonely

What are the samaritans getting out of dismissing the negative experiences on this thread? Genuinely curious.

Not dismissing them at all. In fact I've said a couple of times how sorry I am and how sad it makes me to hear all these experiences. I'm just trying to tell you how it ought to be.