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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Teenager in revealing clothes

127 replies

Frazzledmum55 · 30/01/2021 12:10

I don’t know how to react to this, or if I should at all. My dd is 15, not nearly 16 yet if that makes a difference. She’s has her own money which her Dad sends her every month. She’s been ordering clothes and I really really don’t like them. They’re all so revealing. Tight trousers and cropped tops mostly. Also most of them are quite low cut strappy tops too so not a whole lot of her is covered.
It’s not the weather for these clothes clearly but she obviously likes them and doesn’t want to cover up with a coat so will wear just a light jacket with the zip open.
I don’t want her wearing them at all. I don’t think it looks right on a girl her age, and right or wrong it attracts attention from men.
The other thing worth mentioning is that she suffers with depression and if wearing these clothes makes her feel good about herself, me saying I don’t like them will make her feel shit and put further strain on our relationship.
Aibu- She’s old enough to wear what she wants and I should just shut up because it’s her money
Yanbu- I tell her I don’t want her wearing them, but realistically how can I stop her?

OP posts:

Ohalrightthen · 30/01/2021 12:12

Jesus. Don't teach her that her body is something to be covered up and ashamed of.

Toilettraininghell · 30/01/2021 12:12

Shes getting to an age where its really up to her. Saying that though at a similar age we were all able to do the whole wear something mum approves off and change when out of sight thing.

justanotherneighinparadise · 30/01/2021 12:15

I think you are meant to feel protective and she is meant to push the boundaries.

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 30/01/2021 12:15

Wise up and be the adult. She needs you to help her.

HitchFlix · 30/01/2021 12:16

People on here almost always say she can wear what she likes etc etc. but I agree and wouldn't like it either. Girls clothes are all so sexualized these days and I'd hate my child buying into/being persuaded into this. There's not much you can do but YANBU to feel uncomfortable about it.

Original poster

Frazzledmum55 · 30/01/2021 12:16

@Ohalrightthen There’s a middle ground.
Like it or not we live in a society where there is judgement. Also where ‘not all’ men are perverts.

OP posts:

knitajumperfromthat · 30/01/2021 12:18

Allow it, let it go...it's not about 'attention from men' it's about finding what you like, what suits you and just enjoying clothes and fashion. It's not your taste, but it's not meant to be.

Rupertbeartrousers · 30/01/2021 12:21

Surely there is some middle ground, I would have a proper conversation making it clear that a woman’s choice of clothing is her own and is never a reason to blame her for the inappropriate behaviour of men. However, wearing something warm and practical and that makes her feel comfortable and confident is more important than conforming to some kind of sexualised dress code, and sometimes less is more when it comes to showing flesh. Is there a particular influencer she follows, is there peer pressure to dress a certain way? Is she generally confident or trying to fit in? Or Is the is just the “you’re not going out dressed like that” conversation that parents have been having for 100 years.

AStudyinPink · 30/01/2021 12:21

I think you should support her and try to work on her self-esteem. The body is nothing to be ashamed of, but nor should she feel she needs to be revealing it to feel good about herself. Why is that? What does she believe is wrong with her that she might need to draw attention to her navel in January?

Allington · 30/01/2021 12:23

DD has been into crop tops and leggings for a couple of years now, but as she's a bit younger I get more say over her clothes. In general I don't ban any 'look', but I do set boundaries on where she wears it.

A bikini is entirely appropriate on a beach/in a swimming pool/in the back garden, but not for going to church or doing the weekly shop.

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 30/01/2021 12:24

I think she is at an age where she can choose her own clothes and it's normal for 15 yr olds to wear what they see in fashion/music/Instagram and that's the style.

I think a conversation about wearing appropriate clothes for the location may at some point be needed as obviously low cut, skin tight cropped tops won't be any good at school when they go back or to a more formal setting.

Sparklesocks · 30/01/2021 12:24

It’s something teens have been doing for decades! So she’s not alone, it’s how they experiment with their image.

Have you sat her down and spoken to her about it?

Respectabitch · 30/01/2021 12:27

Welcome to having a teenager. For as long as there has been fashion, teenagers have been wearing short tight skimpy clothes and mothers have fumed about it. I wore all kinds of short, horrible, cheap, clingy crap and my mother hated it. She couldn't stop me, and I grew out of it, so all the whole process really achieved was to make me more defiantly committed to doing my own thing and to drive us apart long-term.

Let it go.

Original poster

Frazzledmum55 · 30/01/2021 12:27

This is some of the sort of tops she’s ordered

OP posts:

lewes2 · 30/01/2021 12:27

Yanbu, I agree and have been there as a mum, step daughter going to Tesco dressed in a tiny tight dress with no jacket in winter. People are naive if they don't think men are going to look, and ridiculous to suggest you're being unreasonable by being concerned. I'd be more worried if you weren't concerned. However, given that most of her age do it, their social media profiles are of pouts and skimpy clothes suggests that you're not going to be able to change it, and as she suffers from depression, it's even more difficult because it might well be giving her the lift she needs, feeling that she looks good/fits in. I don't think you can stop her but I think you could have a really gentle conversation, telling her she looks beautiful, how you love that she's finding her own style etc but also reminding her that there are some horrible pervs out there, and that perhaps she should consider where is ok to wear them, ie with her mates, at home, and where might be a good idea to put a coat on - make sure the conversation is entirely supportive and not critical.

Lollypop701 · 30/01/2021 12:28

Underboob is currently in fashion, glad it wasn’t when I was younger as I’m not blessed in that department. I have a 15yo too and I only pass comments of stuff I like tbh.

Original poster

Frazzledmum55 · 30/01/2021 12:29

I think what worries me is that it’s completely not appropriate for the weather, she doesn’t want to cover up with a coat. Which makes me think she’s not wearing it for how it makes her feel, but so that others can see, for attention basically.
The thought of men looking at her makes me feel sick and she’s aware that they do because she’s told me about being approached by older boys/men in the past.
I’ll b me honest though it usually does end in a “you’re not wearing that”
“Yes I am!” Type of conversation.

OP posts:

StillCoughingandLaughing · 30/01/2021 12:30

There’s an episode of After You’ve Gone that deals with this well. Celia Imrie’s character is furious because her teenage granddaughter (Tracy Beaker) buys a T-shirt reading ‘Slut Queen’. She tries everything to make her get rid of it, to no avail... until she eventually buys one for herself. Tracy Beaker is suitably horrified and throws hers away.

Time to invest in a crop top and hot pants, OP...

FolkyFoxFace · 30/01/2021 12:30

Maybe rather than telling her outright you don't like them (although you could buy her some items that are really nice, and compliment her in those?), start conversations about body image, feminism, etc. Leave some empowering books out with pages marked, or start commenting on some articles you've read. Open that dialogue and see where it leads.

I wouldn't be happy either, I think 15 is way too young for those kinds of clothes. If at 18 when she's more aware of the world she still chooses to wear them, that's different - but 15 is a delicate and weird hybrid period of adolescence.

I remember being that age and making some choices that I now cringe at. I can't thank my very feminist parents enough for taking the above route instead of leaping down my throat! I ended up a bit of a goth instead, because I realised that actually all I'd wanted to do was experiment with alternative styles.

Bluntness100 · 30/01/2021 12:32

Gosh op this conversation is as old as time, the whole you’re not wearing that thing.

Honestly you need to let her be who she is. Those tops aren’t indecent. You need to let it go,

CorianderBee · 30/01/2021 12:32

So what every 15yo does then? 😂 just try to make sure she wears a coat and leave her to it, she'll find her style soon enough and tight jeans and crop tops are very in (although wide jeans/mom jeans are more so).

Freddiefox · 30/01/2021 12:33

I wore such revealing clothes at that age and now I look back in horror and wonder why no one guided me in the right direction.
Clothes for women are so sexual and unpractical and cold! And yet for men so comfortable and warm. Of course she can wear what she wants, it has she been brainwashed by the media to really want to.

I don’t know the answer.

Original poster

Frazzledmum55 · 30/01/2021 12:34

I think if it was summer I’d probably not mind as much. Still wouldn’t like it though.

OP posts:

Grenlei · 30/01/2021 12:34

I don't have daughter's, but having been a teenage girl myself I'm glad that my mum never said I shouldn't wear something because 'it might give men the wrong idea' or because it looked tarty

My mum only ever told me I looked fabulous, whether I was in my DM and ankle length skirt grunge phase, or wearing a black figure hugging mini. The only thing she would ever do was tell me if something that wasn't meant to be close fitting was a bit too tight. Or if I had a label hanging out.

I absolutely don't think parents should police a 15 year olds clothing choices. It's far more important to instill in body confidence and the idea that if a man tries to assault you, it is the man who is wrong, not the clothes you are wearing.

I had a lot of friends as a teenager who had already been instilled with the idea that certain clothes were slutty, or that 'good' girls dressed a certain way. One told me her mum said I'd never get a professional job because I was always wearing with short skirts or low cut tops and it wasn't 'appropriate'. I'm pleased to say she was wrong I've always dressed how I want, worn clothes I like that suit me and I don't see why anyone should have a problem with that.

Remaker · 30/01/2021 12:37

I used to think I would be quite strict about what my DD wore, but now she is a teen it feels wrong to police her body and what she shows of it.

What I’ve found is that after a bit of experimentation, she has adopted the kind of style that I would have recommended from the beginning. So a stroppy crop top worm with baggy “mum” jeans and doc martens. Or a pair of short denim shorts worn with a long baggy t shirt.

She has her own style and i

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