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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teenager in revealing clothes

127 replies

Frazzledmum55 · 30/01/2021 12:10

I don’t know how to react to this, or if I should at all. My dd is 15, not nearly 16 yet if that makes a difference. She’s has her own money which her Dad sends her every month. She’s been ordering clothes and I really really don’t like them. They’re all so revealing. Tight trousers and cropped tops mostly. Also most of them are quite low cut strappy tops too so not a whole lot of her is covered.
It’s not the weather for these clothes clearly but she obviously likes them and doesn’t want to cover up with a coat so will wear just a light jacket with the zip open.
I don’t want her wearing them at all. I don’t think it looks right on a girl her age, and right or wrong it attracts attention from men.
The other thing worth mentioning is that she suffers with depression and if wearing these clothes makes her feel good about herself, me saying I don’t like them will make her feel shit and put further strain on our relationship.
Aibu- She’s old enough to wear what she wants and I should just shut up because it’s her money
Yanbu- I tell her I don’t want her wearing them, but realistically how can I stop her?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 30/01/2021 13:14

@StillCoughingandLaughing

There’s an episode of After You’ve Gone that deals with this well. Celia Imrie’s character is furious because her teenage granddaughter (Tracy Beaker) buys a T-shirt reading ‘Slut Queen’. She tries everything to make her get rid of it, to no avail... until she eventually buys one for herself. Tracy Beaker is suitably horrified and throws hers away.

Time to invest in a crop top and hot pants, OP...

Yes this. OP do this.

I would be more concerned about her warmth and I would make her take a coat with her. If she takes it off when she's down the road then so be it but, in this weather, it will be going back on quite soon.

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 30/01/2021 13:14

@Bubblegum3

A good rule my mum taught me was cleavage or legs was classy both was trashy
depends how much cleavage

Sadly some manage to make it trashy even when wearing trousers!

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 30/01/2021 13:16

Time to invest in a crop top and hot pants, OP...

much better is to ask her FATHER to do just that!

MN hates fathers, but there are some great ones in the world Grin

Teenager in revealing clothes
yikesanotherbooboo · 30/01/2021 13:18

I don't think you should let your daughter know that you disapprove particularly if her self esteem is low. She will take it to heart. Wearing clothes that parents don't like is entirely normal behaviour and if she is wearing the same as her peer group ( I'm not sure if I have missed this) then i don't think you need to worry. Even if she is following her own fashion path she is at least expressing herself. It is hard to bite one's tongue. Try to keep up being positive about her and her choices as much as you can .

isthismylifenow · 30/01/2021 13:19

I also envy her confidence in wearing them - I wouldn’t have done at that age or at all

Absolutely! I wish I had the confidence that my dd has. It portrays through into so many other areas of life, and I am pretty sure if I was a more confident teen, I would have been a far more confident adult and made different choices to those I did.

SlopesOff · 30/01/2021 13:20

I didn't know about underboob being a fashion, I thought it was just a porn thing. I have learned something today.

User2921 · 30/01/2021 13:21

@Iknowwhatudidlastsummer

I have seen some teens arriving for a job interview with a micro skirt and showing too much cleavage. I really wished they had had a parent telling them about what is inappropriate.

Yes, at 19 you wear whatever you want. But your parents have failed if they haven't done their job. Being a lazy parent is the opposite of being helpful.

A few notes about your company dress code with the invitation to interview might address this. It would be a shame if a young women lost out on an opportunity on the basis of her clothes.
malificent7 · 30/01/2021 13:22

I told my dd off for wearing skimpy clothes and shd said I was slut shaming her. They are quite wise to it these kids!;

Silvergreen · 30/01/2021 13:26

She'll grow out of this by the time she's 18. It's just part of growing up and learning how to navigate the world.

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 30/01/2021 13:28

A few notes about your company dress code with the invitation to interview might address this.It would be a shame if a young women lost out on an opportunity on the basis of her clothes

Confused

If anyone needs to be formally told they need to turn up professionally, ON TIME, with clothes and no onesie/pjs or a bikini for their interview, lord knows how they would behave in the actual job!

I am not their teacher or their mother, and there's only so many pointers I can diplomatically give without risking being accused of god knows what - and I am female, imagine if it came from my male colleagues.

I am not sending someone inappropriate for a job interview.

It's bad enough dress codes have to exist because some people willingly take the piss at work.

Whatapalavaa · 30/01/2021 13:29

YABU. Welcome to having a teenager. Men will look unfortunately. I remember men looking when I was only 12/13. You can't escape it. Just let her get on with it and keep your mouth shut.

tinychairs · 30/01/2021 13:30

A few notes about your company dress code with the invitation to interview might address this. It would be a shame if a young women lost out on an opportunity on the basis of her clothes

Hmm Really?

What other instructions should be included?

"Please note that in our company you are expected to face in the direction of the people you're speaking to, and candidates that eat ice cream from the tub with their hands during the interview will not be considered."

If someone's wearing micro skirts and plunging tops to job interviews, they're not losing out on an opportunity on the basis of their clothes, they're losing out on the basis of a lack of company research and the ability to behave appropriately in different situations. It used to be known as common sense (a very basic but desirable quality in a potential employee).

Lucieintheskye · 30/01/2021 13:32

It's a phase and fashionable. She'll either grow out of it or move out and be able to wear what she wants without being bitched about.

Merename · 30/01/2021 13:38

I think there is a middle way on this. Yes you need to allow her to make choices at her age, and respect her rights and wishes. However, I think it’s right to have non shaming conversations that help her understand the consequences. It sounds like there could be some strain in the relationship, so this may not be possible, but I’d want to explore how the clothes make her feel and how she feels about male attention. My daughters are younger but I would want to help them understand that she will receive unwelcome attention from men, regardless of the clothes she wears, and help to prepare them for that. I feel my mum was totally inequipped to have those conversations and did just shame me, I felt shit about myself and still wore what I want. But then didn’t have her to talk to when I got into situations with men that made me feel uncomfortable. For me as a teenage girl there was a conflict between wanting male attention but being totally inequipped to understand what it meant/the consequences, and I just wanted to feel attractive.

Itsnotlikethiswithotherpeople · 30/01/2021 13:40

My parents never ever made negative comments about my style as I experimented. I wore some questionable outfits. It’s all part of being a teenager. Don’t make her feel bad, embrace it, laugh about it, try her stuff on and tell her she can pull it off even if you can’t. My Nan always said ‘show everything while it’s not saggy” Wink

I should add I dress ‘modestly’ (horrible word, but ykwim) and appropriately for the situation now Grin

I want to add that if the worst should happen and your daughter was sexually assaulted in some way, it would AWFUl if she thought it was somehow her fault because of misguided comments from you. Imagine the damage. Please never ever link sexual assault with clothes choices.

User2921 · 30/01/2021 13:41

@Iknowwhatudidlastsummer

A few notes about your company dress code with the invitation to interview might address this.It would be a shame if a young women lost out on an opportunity on the basis of her clothes Confused

If anyone needs to be formally told they need to turn up professionally, ON TIME, with clothes and no onesie/pjs or a bikini for their interview, lord knows how they would behave in the actual job!

I am not their teacher or their mother, and there's only so many pointers I can diplomatically give without risking being accused of god knows what - and I am female, imagine if it came from my male colleagues.

I am not sending someone inappropriate for a job interview.

It's bad enough dress codes have to exist because some people willingly take the piss at work.

My apologies, I thought from your previous post you genuinely thought it was a shame these young women didn't have mothers who advised them on interview wear. I was merely suggesting a way you might help.
Strugglingtodomybest · 30/01/2021 13:43

I wouldn't say anything if I were you OP. If she's depressed it's really not helpful to hear your mum saying she doesn't like your choices.

If she gets cold because she's not wearing a coat then that's her choice. Let her make it.

PugInTheHouse · 30/01/2021 13:45

Those top look pretty normal for 15/16 yo IMO. Leave her to it and just ensure you are on hand to advise if she is wearing them to somewhere they are really not suitable.

My parents were really laid back about it, I know they hated it but let me get on with it. I did work experience in a shop at 15/16 and wore something competely inappropriate, parents didn't say a word but the workplace called me in to tell me to not wear stuff like that. I wouldn't have listened to my parents but did listen to the employers.

I was never assaulted wearing skimpy clothes, I was assaulted wearing trousers and a big winter coat though!

year5teacher · 30/01/2021 13:45

Those tops aren’t even indecent.
Any type of conversation PP are suggesting about “men are going to look at you” etc - how are you going to frame that without inadvertently going into “if you dress this way you are complicit in anything that happens”? Because that’s the message she’s going to get from it.
Honestly men who are going to be predatory are predatory regardless of what you’re wearing.

Plmoknijb123 · 30/01/2021 13:45

I don’t think those tops are that bad tbh. They’re fashionable now and they look fine on a young girl. Regardless of what she wears she is going to get attention from men. I would leave her be.

Hankunamatata · 30/01/2021 13:50

I used to wear clothes like that to get attention from boys as it boosted my low self esteem. For years I judged my worth by how much attention i got from boys later on men. It took me years to just be myself

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 30/01/2021 13:52

@Lucieintheskye

It's a phase and fashionable. She'll either grow out of it or move out and be able to wear what she wants without being bitched about.
until she has neighbours or does the school run Grin

Joke aside, parental opinion is not "bitching about".

MrMeSeeks · 30/01/2021 13:52

A few notes about your company dress code with the invitation to interview might address this. It would be a shame if a young women lost out on an opportunity on the basis of her clothes

Are you taking the mick? Should they be given a step by step guide on how to behave also?
If a person does not know how to dress for an interview that is on them, it is certainly not on the employer to guide them Grin

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 30/01/2021 13:53

User2921
no worries, it's sad there's no one to guide them, but it really can't be part of my job.

JazzyGeoff · 30/01/2021 13:54

I've never commented on my daughters clothes (beyond a 'you're going to freeze in that'), and there have been some doozies in there Grin

I made clear to her dad that he wasn't to comment either.

She's 22 now, and just left the house this afternoon to work on the doors meeting people having their vaccine, wearing two tops, an oversized hoody and fluffy bed socks and trainers, so she's not doing too bad for never having been told.