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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teenager in revealing clothes

127 replies

Frazzledmum55 · 30/01/2021 12:10

I don’t know how to react to this, or if I should at all. My dd is 15, not nearly 16 yet if that makes a difference. She’s has her own money which her Dad sends her every month. She’s been ordering clothes and I really really don’t like them. They’re all so revealing. Tight trousers and cropped tops mostly. Also most of them are quite low cut strappy tops too so not a whole lot of her is covered.
It’s not the weather for these clothes clearly but she obviously likes them and doesn’t want to cover up with a coat so will wear just a light jacket with the zip open.
I don’t want her wearing them at all. I don’t think it looks right on a girl her age, and right or wrong it attracts attention from men.
The other thing worth mentioning is that she suffers with depression and if wearing these clothes makes her feel good about herself, me saying I don’t like them will make her feel shit and put further strain on our relationship.
Aibu- She’s old enough to wear what she wants and I should just shut up because it’s her money
Yanbu- I tell her I don’t want her wearing them, but realistically how can I stop her?

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 30/01/2021 12:38

This is the fashion for teens at the moment. My 17 year old dd has been wearing these tops / jeans etc for a while now and is wearing this sort of stuff now with the cold weather. Please don’t make an issue of it, just nod and smile and let her get on with it. We were all teenagers once.

Sexnotgender · 30/01/2021 12:38

@Frazzledmum55

I think what worries me is that it’s completely not appropriate for the weather, she doesn’t want to cover up with a coat. Which makes me think she’s not wearing it for how it makes her feel, but so that others can see, for attention basically. The thought of men looking at her makes me feel sick and she’s aware that they do because she’s told me about being approached by older boys/men in the past. I’ll b me honest though it usually does end in a “you’re not wearing that” “Yes I am!” Type of conversation.
Your daughter is not responsible for what men may or may not do based on the clothes she wears.
Mrgrinch · 30/01/2021 12:38

To be honest people will tell you to let her wear what she wants, it's her body she shouldn't have to cover it blah blah blah, because that's fashionable parenting right now.

I think that if she suffers from depression and is finding comfort in revealing her body, that could potentially progress into something dangerous. Have a conversation with her about it.

LindaEllen · 30/01/2021 12:38

This is classic teenage girl behaviour, isn't it? Wearing clothes that warrant the reaction 'you're not going out in that!'

It's been happening for years and years and years.

It's her money and her body. She will know full well that her clothes are skimpy, and that will be exactly why she's wearing them! We all wanted attention from boys at that age, didn't we?

You can't tell her not to wear something. Sorry.

Remaker · 30/01/2021 12:38

*it suits her.

Respectabitch · 30/01/2021 12:39

@Frazzledmum55

I think what worries me is that it’s completely not appropriate for the weather, she doesn’t want to cover up with a coat. Which makes me think she’s not wearing it for how it makes her feel, but so that others can see, for attention basically. The thought of men looking at her makes me feel sick and she’s aware that they do because she’s told me about being approached by older boys/men in the past. I’ll b me honest though it usually does end in a “you’re not wearing that” “Yes I am!” Type of conversation.
Well... Yeah. Did you not go through this phase? Do you not remember being a teenager? Did you never go without a coat because your outfit was faaaaaar too good to be covered?

She won't get hypothermia, I promise you. And she won't escape creepy men even if she wears an ankle-length sack. The only thing you can do that is productive is equip her for this world and try and instil some feminist principles.

courtrai · 30/01/2021 12:40

It's a phase - my 18 y/o recently gifted away all her very dreadful PLT/nasty gal tight, transparent awful clothes as she's moved on from that phase thankfully. We still laugh at a particularly awful white outfit which became transparent under Asda lighting

Was I happy about her wearing them? No. Did I rude it out - yes. I'd much rather she was body confident than ashamed of herself. She has a friend who's mother refuses to allow her to wear certain things and it's massively detrimental to their relationship

peak2021 · 30/01/2021 12:44

I think that whilst they are in poor taste (though lack of style is not confined to teenagers), suggest you focus on how to deal with/respond to pervy men, where everyone should cover up out of respect or occasion, and a third might be to try and appeal to her conscience about fast fashion.

luxxlisbon · 30/01/2021 12:45

Honestly those tops really don’t look that bad for an almost 16 year old. With lockdown where is she even going anyway? Surely wearing a crop top at home is hardly the end of the world?

There’s a balance, I’d she was wearing a tiny crop top with a short skirt you could probably set a line but if you make a huge issue out of jeans and a crop top then you’re only going to make her push the boundaries more.

isthismylifenow · 30/01/2021 12:46

My dd loves these types of clothes too. And she has ordered some items that I really don't like at all.

Most of the time I don't comment, but if she tries to dress inappropriately at a specific time, then I will speak to her about it. Like last week, she came along in the car with me when I went to a client, to get her out the house, and I had to stop at another client on the way that we know quite well, so she will have greeted them etc. It was a work trip so I reminded her that 'booby' tops are not appropriate that day. It is never an issue, as I don't make out that I dislike what she is wearing, I just emphasis that we need to dress accordingly.

Remember that fashion comes and goes. Hopefully the crop top will pass by sooner rather than later.

IEat · 30/01/2021 12:50

Not all men are abusers
Women can be too
Tech her to be just confident
Teach her to be safe
Teach her to love who she is

babbaloushka · 30/01/2021 12:51

Has she read Women Don't Owe You Pretty? I got it for my teen DD to open a conversation about how empowerment isn't getting validation from men, even if it felt good. Helped us discuss the while she can wear what she likes, it shouldn't be centric on getting attention from others. I found she became more relaxed in her style and, whilst still wearing the occasion typical skimpy outfit, is much more measured and caters to her own taste.

shouldistop · 30/01/2021 12:52

I think you are meant to feel protective and she is meant to push the boundaries.

^ this. Tale as old as time I'm afraid.

babbaloushka · 30/01/2021 12:53

Women don't owe you pretty by Florence Given! Comes in a lovely hardback format and is perfectly catered to teens.

isthismylifenow · 30/01/2021 12:54

I should add that my dd is 18 and we were looking back at some photos from a few years ago. She was horrified by some of them, and she asked me why did I not tell her she didn't look as great as she thought. I just smiled at her and said that at the time she liked it and she was happy then and in the pictures. The caterpillar eyebrows were one of them ha ha. We laughed about it and we decided it was a rite of passage.....

I will say the same again in a few years time I am sure Smile

Bubblegum3 · 30/01/2021 12:58

A good rule my mum taught me was cleavage or legs was classy both was trashy

Bitbusyattheminute · 30/01/2021 13:00

My mum kept her clothes from the 60s. Her dresses and skirts were tiny. I was taller than most adult women by 15 and used to wear tiny dresses. I wanted to be looked at and considered sexy. Although, not in winter. I suspect when dd i will be scandalised by what she wears. Luckily, there are no photos as evidence of my hypocrisy.

RonaldMcDonald · 30/01/2021 13:02

It is difficult to parent

Let her wear what she wants and keep channels of communication open in case she needs support with self esteem

Puffinhead · 30/01/2021 13:05

OP, I could have written the exact same post about my daughter who is also 15 (year 10). I hate the cropped tops she wears - she is quite busty with a curvy figure - and they seem far too revealing. She also won’t zip up her coat either! I don’t like it at all - and also hate the idea of men perving at her.

But, I also envy her confidence in wearing them - I wouldn’t have done at that age or at all (an off-hand comment made by my mother to my gran about my growing breasts, which I overheard when I was 12, has left me with a life-long hang-up about my large boobs). So I have to be careful not project my own hang-ups onto her. And the feminist in me agrees that she should be allowed to wear what she wants. But it is hard all the same so I can emphasise.

She doesn’t wear tight trousers though, prefers to live in joggers, which I also hate!

LucilleTheVampireBat · 30/01/2021 13:07

You are being ridiculous. They're perfectly normal crop tops. Get a grip.

Puffinhead · 30/01/2021 13:08

@StillCoughingandLaughing

There’s an episode of After You’ve Gone that deals with this well. Celia Imrie’s character is furious because her teenage granddaughter (Tracy Beaker) buys a T-shirt reading ‘Slut Queen’. She tries everything to make her get rid of it, to no avail... until she eventually buys one for herself. Tracy Beaker is suitably horrified and throws hers away.

Time to invest in a crop top and hot pants, OP...

This did make me laugh!
User2921 · 30/01/2021 13:09

@Bubblegum3

A good rule my mum taught me was cleavage or legs was classy both was trashy
I don't think this is a 'good rule' at all I think it's a horrible thing to say. A woman is a piece of rubbish because she doesn't cover enough skin? I don't think anyone should ever tell their DD this.
Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 30/01/2021 13:10

YANBU at all

Teens push boundaries
Parents impose the boundaries!

It's entirely normal for a teen to want to wear inappropriate clothes and ridiculous make-up (most of us have done it)

It's being a parent to put your foot down.

I hate lazy parents who "pick their battles" meaning they simply give in on everything for the sake of an easy life and because they want to be friends. Get your own friend, your child has friends, they need a mother.

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 30/01/2021 13:13

I have seen some teens arriving for a job interview with a micro skirt and showing too much cleavage. I really wished they had had a parent telling them about what is inappropriate.

Yes, at 19 you wear whatever you want. But your parents have failed if they haven't done their job. Being a lazy parent is the opposite of being helpful.

Shrivelled · 30/01/2021 13:13

Teenagers have enough on their plates at the moment without their mothers causing drama over a few crop tops. Give the girl a break! If you’re embarrassed to be seen out and about with her, that’s your problem not hers.

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