Teenager in revealing clothes

[Frazzledmum55]

I don’t know how to react to this, or if I should at all. My dd is 15, not nearly 16 yet if that makes a difference. She’s has her own money which her Dad sends her every month. She’s been ordering clothes and I really really don’t like them. They’re all so revealing. Tight trousers and cropped tops mostly. Also most of them are quite low cut strappy tops too so not a whole lot of her is covered.
It’s not the weather for these clothes clearly but she obviously likes them and doesn’t want to cover up with a coat so will wear just a light jacket with the zip open.
I don’t want her wearing them at all. I don’t think it looks right on a girl her age, and right or wrong it attracts attention from men.
The other thing worth mentioning is that she suffers with depression and if wearing these clothes makes her feel good about herself, me saying I don’t like them will make her feel shit and put further strain on our relationship.
Aibu- She’s old enough to wear what she wants and I should just shut up because it’s her money
Yanbu- I tell her I don’t want her wearing them, but realistically how can I stop her?

@friendlyflicka

I would just explain to her that she only THINKS she wants to wear those clothes because the fashion industry and mass media have told her that she should, and that she's been brainwashed by 50-year-old male CEOs to wear revealing clothing for their pleasure. Ask her why she thinks boys in her year don't dress like that?

And why is that not your own version of brainwashing?

Cos I wouldn't be bombarding her with images and comments on what she should wear?

This is shien right? My dd orders stuff of here she is 13 and is currently into the Japanese baby doll look hence lots of short baby doll skirts striped socks and bunny ears.The looks she gets when we are out! But at least she's individual so I let her get on with it.

@Frazzledmum55

This is some of the sort of tops she’s ordered

Like a normal teenager then

@Ilovegreentomatoes

This is shien right? My dd orders stuff of here she is 13 and is currently into the Japanese baby doll look hence lots of short baby doll skirts striped socks and bunny ears.The looks she gets when we are out! But at least she's individual so I let her get on with it.

Oh thank God, a fellow sufferer! I know your pain. So does her father. The looks she gets. And the looks we get! Our girls would likely get on like a house on fire. .. erm. Mine individualises the look. It can get worse, believe me. . .

At 15 I used to go out nightclubbing with very little on, no coat because I didn't want to do all the handing the coat in at the cloakroom and getting the raffle ticket thing.

I have DSs so I will never know how I would feel if I had a DD of 15 who did the same now. (Although the clubbing thing would be more difficult I would think). I would probably not say anything remembering what I did myself.

Don't approach it from a fashion perspective; approach it from a health/warmth perspective - she needs to wear sufficient layers (one of which could be a cropped top albeit as a base level layer) and/or a thick coat outdoors until the weather is much warmer. There is nothing inherently wrong with liking or wearing cropped tops. It is still winter, cold-symptoms can be mistaken for COVID symptoms, she could be at risk for cold-related illnesses, and she doesn't pay your gas bills. If your house is toasty-warm, she can wear whatever she likes indoors.

@mbosnz had to laugh at your post so glad someone can relate! Please don't tell me it gets worse it's bad enough now!.

Nowt wrong with them. Let her wear them. Also why teach her she cannot wear clothes just incase a man is watching her. Thats his issue. The lasses up here hmm my god the shorts!!

Let's put it this way. I'm pretty darned sure, that plenty in the village think, 'what was her mother (it's always the mother) thinking, letting her out dressed like that?!'

I'm numb to it now. Also, she's my strong fierce lioness warrior of a daughter, staunch and proud, and stuff them. (She can also sprint in her demonias, and land a bloody good kick. . .)

Yeah, the clampdown on id in the noughties pretty much did for 16 year olds going clubbing. I know it's probably safer, although those years were some of the best ones.

Definitely concentrate on the health aspect - "it's freezing outside" etc. On the choice of clothes, restrict any comments to positive reinforcement such as "that jacket looks nice" when she wears something you do approve of.

She appears to have an issue with insecurity and finds that the attention she gets from wearing these clothes can validate her. This I find worrying because she may be vulnerable to manipulative behaviour from boys (and even men). She might find herself doing things she is uncomfortable with and will later regret because she feels that she needs the attention. Somehow you need to help her build her confidence up so that she can say "no" when pressured.

@Bitbusyattheminute

Yeah, the clampdown on id in the noughties pretty much did for 16 year olds going clubbing. I know it's probably safer, although those years were some of the best ones.

They really were. Loved every half dressed freezing at the bus stop/dancing on tables/taxi home minute of them.

I have seen some teens arriving for a job interview with a micro skirt and showing too much cleavage. I really wished they had had a parent telling them about what is inappropriate.

Yes but how do we know that OP’s DD would wear these outfits to a job interview? OP says nothing about job interviews. Wearing skimpy clothing in your own time is not synonymous with being a complete idiot who doesn’t know what is appropriate to wear to a job interview.

And as others have said OP - this is just part of being 15. Go ahead and cause friction by telling her you don’t want to wear them but what good will that do? She still will, and so she should. She’s experimenting with her appearance as young women are perfectly entitled to.

The tops are pretty pad for the course for teenagers/twenties at this time.

Usually worn with leggings and as you said, a jacket of hoody outside.

Whether it's different internal heating systems or ridiculous fixation on not covering up their outfit; teenagers also tend to go out in the cold in way too thin/inadequate clothing (not even jysg girls, I've seen boys in trackies and a t-shirt, maybe a thin hoody when it's freezing. They're hard to reason with about it.

Anyway if she gets cat called, harassed, leered at etc., she might realise the downside of wearing crop tops and leggings (outside the gym) .... or maybe it won't affect her enough to reconsider.

But she's not dressing out if the ordinary.

My niece is usually not very uncovered on top, bit wears ripped fishnets with sometimes pretty short skirts (and boots etc) ... Let them go. They'll be wearing boring shit in the 30s, 40s etc. (Well most of them).

They are pretty standard tops for young girls at the moment. If I could wear th I would. They look quite nice with Hugh wasted jeans etc.
When I was younger ut was all low cut tops, low cut jeans and lacey pants sticking out the top.
I would probably be pissed off that she wouldn't put something over the top in the middle of winter though. Would just look weird wearing a shoe string crop top at 0°. Not tension its not really good for you, bit how often will she be going out at the moment?

I dressed in very revealing clothes at this age and I did attract the wrong kind of attention. I wish someone had guided me.

@lewes2

Yanbu, I agree and have been there as a mum, step daughter going to Tesco dressed in a tiny tight dress with no jacket in winter. People are naive if they don't think men are going to look, and ridiculous to suggest you're being unreasonable by being concerned. I'd be more worried if you weren't concerned. However, given that most of her age do it, their social media profiles are of pouts and skimpy clothes suggests that you're not going to be able to change it, and as she suffers from depression, it's even more difficult because it might well be giving her the lift she needs, feeling that she looks good/fits in. I don't think you can stop her but I think you could have a really gentle conversation, telling her she looks beautiful, how you love that she's finding her own style etc but also reminding her that there are some horrible pervs out there, and that perhaps she should consider where is ok to wear them, ie with her mates, at home, and where might be a good idea to put a coat on - make sure the conversation is entirely supportive and not critical.

Best advice above

It's tricky, and the PPs pretending it isn't are kidding themselves - it's hard to find the balance between helping your daughter be confident and experiment with how she presents herself, with knowing that she'll attract unwanted comments and looks. Needs a supportive but realistic conversation.

I'm lucky enough to have a number of teen DDs . They each have their own "unique" style. I am careful not to comment as I have very low self esteem myself (actually to the point of body dysmorphia) as a result of my own childhood and experiences. At 15 I believed I was enormous and elephantine. I mostly dressed in unflattering baggy clothes to disguise my hideousness. I always wore long t-shirts over my swimming costume or just opted not to swim at all, despite loving swimming. I was a size 12-14 (back in the late 80's/early 90's so probably even smaller in today's sizings and certainly in photos from the time I look what I would call "slim"). I feel so sad now looking back at all the years I wasted worrying about how fat and ugly I looked and covering myself up. I'll be 50 soon and have set myself a personal goal to wear a bikini (just to wear one once, in public, in my whole lifetime will be such a massive achievement for me!) If we are ever able to go on summer holidays again.

Anyway... I digress... I love how body confident my teens are. I love how they can experiment with their look, make mistakes and not get hung up on it. I always try and say something positive - even if the outfit, to my eyes, is a little - I always pick out some element to compliment, such as "I love those earrings with that top" or "your eye shadow looks fantastic what colours did you use?". For me it's just so important that they feel as confident in themselves, in their bodies, in their own autonomy, as they possibly can, as this is what they will take this with them into their future lives, regardless of any dodgy fashion choices c.age 15.

Cropped tops and high waisted flares/mom jeans are just normal teen wear at the moment. I've been re-watching the original Baywatch series recently (1989/1990) and the fashions are nearly identical . Just wish I'd been confident enough to wear them myself first time round!

I think also, it's important to be aware of just how aware our girls are. For me, mine are not stupid. They are not naive. They do have the usual teen ten foot tall and bullet proof thing going on. They are incredibly aware about the power politics between genders, and the physical realities of such. There gets to a point where we can advise, and discuss, but we cannot dictate. The more I appear to be advising and discussing, rather than seeking to dictate, the more receptive I've found them to be.

I'm 30 and I wear tops like that with baggy jeans. They suit my body shape, I'm quite flat chested so they hang nice.

Teach her to be confident in herself. If she wants to dress like that she may get unwanted comments. But that shouldn't mean she has to change what she wears. We should be challenging men who make those comments. Not policing women's wardrobes.

I challenge men who make inappropriate comments to me. I refuse to be intimidated.

It’s frustrating and your right to protective, BUT we are in lockdown so where is she wearing it out to?

A walk with a friend?
A walk with you?
In Tesco’s?

Let her. The more you fight it the more she’ll rebel over it.

And unfortunately it’s the current trend

Talk to her about 'men attention,' and what is right and what is wrong in regards to male attention. She shouldn't have to cover up because of 'perverts'

My mum always emphasised the “75% rule”.
Nothing was off limits clothes wise but she always emphasised that looking classy generally means not having it all out on show.

So essentially... short skirts, crop tops, mini skirts, low cut tops are all fine to wear but not all at once. You can wear anyone of these (or a combination) and still look nice if the majority of your skin is covered up. So low cut top and jeans or trousers is fine, or a miniskirt with a top with a high neckline is fine. Low cut top with a tiny miniskirt will generally make you look trashy.

Also she taught me the general skirt rule... bend over in front of a full length mirror and touch your toes. If your knickers get exposed at the back then your skirt is too short 😂

I was never told I could wear anything but she would be honest and say “I love every item you’ve picked but the combination is a bit much. You’d look nicer if you switched that top for this other one”.

I do the same with my DD. She’s only 10 but I’ll say “love that top but not with those shorts” and 9 times out of 10 she’ll say “yeah I think you’re right I’ll think it’ll look better with jeans” or something along those lines.

It’s not about controlling what they wear, as I said I was always allowed to buy what I wanted but my mum guided me in how to style it.
She didn’t want me over sexualised too young.

Regardless of what people say on here, young girls do make themselves the targets of unwanted male attention if they dress in a revealing way.

And whilst I 100% firmly believe girls should be able to wear what they want and be safe, I would never want my young daughter who isn’t ready or emotionally equipped enough yet to have to be in situations where she has bat off the advances of unwanted male attention.

The worst part is at 15 your DD will have full grown adult males making advances at her. The difference is at 18+ your DD will hopefully be more equipped and confident at either ignoring them or telling them to go away.

It’s a sad reality which shouldn’t exist, but young girls need protecting from predatory men.

Those tops aren’t half as bad as I thought they’d be from what you said, and ‘tight trousers’, I would say that’s just the fashion at the moment, she isn’t going to be going for wide leg flares (Altho they are probably on their way back around, again!)
I might say she’ll get cold in a particular outfit but I’d try not to comment on how it looks on her, or my preconceptions of it if that makes sense?
It’s certainly not on her to take responsibility for men being creepy. Women’s clothes don’t matter much at all to that sort of man anyway.