In-laws have declined the vaccine... AIBU?

[HotGlueGun]

So my in-laws (early 70s) have declined to have the vaccine. They are in our childcare bubble and so we see them regularly. They also ask us to do their shopping. WIBU to a) stop doing their shopping for them and b) reduce/ stop their contact with the kids? I'm really cross about but appreciate that they have free will and it's their choice. But resent having to do shopping for them... it's like they are happy for us to be at risk and aren't prepared to take reasonable steps to reduce their vulnerability and eliminate the risk for themselves/ the wider community.

If you're concerned about whether they will pass on the virus this will happen whether they do or don't have the vaccine. However, if they don't have the vaccine they remain vulnerable if they get Covid. If they don't want to have the vaccine the question is whether you feel you should continue to protect them by doing their shopping and having your children with them who may pass it on to them.

Well cheeky, they should take the vaccine and do their own shopping

Tatian...they might have worked in Pharma, but the fact is they don’t have internet or TV....this is unusual and means their access to information is limited, plus they are accepting info from dubious sources and basing their decisions on it.

So actually, the key thing for OP to do is to address the lack of info and look at providing it, so they can think about it again. I asked if there is a context which means they don’t have contact with the outside world in terms of TV or internet...I think this is really important in u deer’s at different g what is going on here.

They have been in the house since March and don t have TV or internet so no real link to the outside world and all the huge amount that has been going on. It almost sounds a bit like someone with dementia in a care home, who could be pretty oblivious to what is going on.

The Op will have to make choices for her family, but initially I would think the issue of the parents having access to information so they can make an informed choice is most important. In the end it will be and should be their choice....but it is really important they have the info to make that choice...and at the moment it ones the sound like they do.

@Orchidflower1

Just ask them why they want to put you and ergo their grandchildren at risk when they chose not to have something that could protect their family.

Does this follow when we are unsure if vaccinated people can still transmit.

@MotherExtraordinaire

Their choice. The vaccine wouldn't reduce their risk of catching covid. You not doing their shopping increases their risk. So why would you stop?

Maybe because at that point there was no way to decrease their risk. But now there is and they are choosing not to take it.

I don't think you are being selfish or unreasonable. You were acting within the guidelines to have childcare. Because they had a perceived risk you helped with shopping.

Now you know they are not willing to reduce their risk and help the big picture you can let them know the current arrangements are not going to work out. That is your prerogative and people who are saying she is selfish merely because their parents haven't seen their kids - that is just totally irrelevant to another person's situation- in this case the OP. For the record my parents live abroad and the ILS 200 plus miles away so we haven't seen either for well over a year.

I'd suggest they speak to their GP and get informed advice rather than take notice of 'snippets' they might hear. Other than that, it's their choice - and it's your choice if you decide to limit contact.

@TatianaBis the MIL may have worked in big pharma in accounts or facilities or HR - just because her MIL worked in big pharma doesn't mean she understands the science behind vaccines.

They totally have free will but sounds like they aren’t making a proper informed choice as they’ve only been given some somewhat dodgy advice from a friend!
Why don’t you print off some approved vaccination information (NHS, Gov etc) and give it to them to read. They’re understandably scared and may regret their decision later on.

YANBU
I would stop shopping right away.

Childcare bubble rules must be different here in Scotland- here you can only use them for essential work purposes.

Surprised to see it’s not the same south of the border.

Aside from that YANBU, they’ve chosen to leave themselves in this position. Once your parents are vaccinated swap your bubble to them so they can see the kids and I’d definitely stop doing shopping etc for them.

"That's your choice, PsIL, but how long do you expect me to do your shopping for then? Because it's not something that I foresaw doing forever, once a vaccine was available"

So we can have childcare bubbles even though we could manage without??? Dropping my kids at my parents monday morning then.

@snowgirl1 spot on. She was in an admin role. So she has heard snippets from supposed scientists/ doctors etc, many years ago and that coupled with bits she hears on the radio means she now has all sorts of strange notions about various things. They are not off grid but lead a very odd and extremely frugal lifestyle. I love them dearly but they exasperate me because of the way they are.

We probably are bending the rules re: childcare bubbles... we originally relied on them for school pick up (we absolutely did need their help then) and have just continued to allow them to see the kids... thinking that the risk is lower now as not exposed to school etc. But appreciate that it's not essential (other than in a few circumstances where we have needed their childcare re: hospital appointments etc). I guess we just got used to the arrangement and as the gov rules don't mention that it's just for work, that's how we've justified it. I'm also pretty sure that the rules have changed as I'm sure that at one point they did say that childcare bubbles were for working parents... so the fact that has been removed suggests it's not just for that. But maybe that's a reach on my part.

I have been uncomfortable with the arrangement but it's difficult to go against my husbands wishes. He's not a bully at all... very far from it. But he will use his parents for childcare to help out as he struggles to manage home educating our 6 year old whilst caring for our 18m old.... I am working and so cannot look after the kids during the day.

So now I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Do I stop the childcare, or because of their unwillingness to vaccinate but because we shouldn't have been doing it anyway?

@WombatChocolate

Not having an internet can be a positive advantage wrt not picking up nonsense. If her info is coming from people from within the pharmaceutical industry they’re hardly likely to be anti-pharma.

OP has stropped off. Being told to read the 'bubble' guidance herself was all too much...

... blast these pages, OP is back - sorry OP, I did you a disservice then.

They have the right to make their own choices. Having the vaccination won't stop transmission but could temporarily getting seriously ill or dying. They don't want it, fair enough. You have the choice not to see them until you have had the vaccine yourself in order to protect yourself. Their child can do the shopping for them. Any issues, be upfront and day you won't put yourself at extra risk when they won't help themselves.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe er, no I haven't. I was feeding my kids and getting my daughter down for a nap

OP... you can't make a unilateral decision to stop the childcare, these are not your children, they belong to both of you and, as you say, you've been using your PILs for childcare previously which negates the spirit of the bubble in the first place. You can both decide that your children no longer go there though.

The risk is more to your PILs than to your children and I think you know that.

You can absolutely stop the shopping. Your husband can shop for his own parents and there's no reason for you to be involved at all.

She was in an admin role

Well then the industry is irrelevant.

The bottom line is doesn’t matter how batty her ideas are, your PIL have the right to make their own choices and you have to respect that even if you’d not understand them.

To be fair to your DH I think if he’s looking after the 2 kids all day as yore working, I can understand why he’d want their support.

@TatianaBis pretty sure plenty of parents out there manage to look after their own 2 kids while the other parent works

They don't pose more of a risk now than they did before so from that point of view I wouldn't stop seeing them , or indeed shopping for them. They are , due to age, more at risk than you are and miles more at risk than DC.
They are , however , wrong not to accept the vaccine. Covid isn't suddenly going to go away and the risk of being seriously ill goes up with age. Apart from that , we have a civic duty imo to have it in order to protect vulnerable people who either cannot have it or in whom it is less effective. Their reasoning is illogical and if they were my old I would encourage them to discuss it with someone who has expertise!

Back in the real world, you might be more at risk, but you’ve obviously chosen to carry on with life to a certain extent.they’re not shopping etc.
The vaccine doesn’t stop you spreading it as far as we know yet. So they’re only really risking themselves.
You’re children are in no danger regardless of anyone’s thoughts on the vaccine
You need to calm down a bit and see that the increased risk, unless they’re going out and about is minimal.
And by the time that the vaccine has been given to most people they might have calmed down and changed their minds. But that’s a long time in the future one way or another.

YABVU. It's not up to you to dictate what anyone else believes.

Doing their shopping for them puts them at less of a risk. If you don't want to do it then tell them so. But their choice about whether to have a vaccine is there's and there's alone.

Do you refuse to go and see them every winter if they've not had the flu vaccine?

@HotGlueGun why did you need them to do school pick up?