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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws have declined the vaccine... AIBU?

543 replies

HotGlueGun · 30/01/2021 11:14

So my in-laws (early 70s) have declined to have the vaccine. They are in our childcare bubble and so we see them regularly. They also ask us to do their shopping. WIBU to a) stop doing their shopping for them and b) reduce/ stop their contact with the kids? I'm really cross about but appreciate that they have free will and it's their choice. But resent having to do shopping for them... it's like they are happy for us to be at risk and aren't prepared to take reasonable steps to reduce their vulnerability and eliminate the risk for themselves/ the wider community.

OP posts:
tara66 · 30/01/2021 14:11

Those here who are refusing vaccination please swear never to bother NHS if you catch the virus. Just suffer and perhaps die at home.

BluebellsGreenbells · 30/01/2021 14:11

No this is different

They decided OP does the shopping to protect them

The vaccine will also protect them

They are picking what protection is acceptable to them

By refusing to accept one form, means they aren’t bothered by the risks

RonaldMcDonald · 30/01/2021 14:12

@HotGlueGun sorry I thought your children were 6 and 2 and you worked reduced hours
I didn’t realise you were looking after a new born and unable to leave the house.
Otherwise asking two people in their 70’s to do school run during a pandemic doesn’t look great. Later having them look after your children when you have a stay at home husband perfectly able to do so, ditto.

It does feel like you’re punishing them, not shopping for them when you are shopping - especially when you have been so cavalier about their health when it has suited your needs
It is a hard one

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 30/01/2021 14:14

So you would rather stop shopping for vulnerable adults for your own selfish reason

So, you'd rather put everyone else (including your own family) at risk for your own selfish reasons?

Frodont · 30/01/2021 14:16

My parents won't have it. They are idiots and my mum is weird about all medicine. I still shop for them, I've got in the habit.

Doris86 · 30/01/2021 14:16

They are only putting themselves at risk really. Being in their seventies, they will be more vulnerable to COVID than you. By continuing to see you, there will be the risk that you will pass COVID on to them.

almostvalentines · 30/01/2021 14:17

based on the fact they refused a vaccine which has not been tested enough?

What's your source material for this? Did they miss out phase 1 of the clinical trials? Or maybe it was phase 2 or phase 3????

If your source is true then this is a scandal and you should go to the papers!!!! 🤦‍♀️

Sparkletastic · 30/01/2021 14:18

Stop the childcare bubble and say that your reasons for doing so are two-fold - regulations and their decision to decline the vaccine

BogForLife · 30/01/2021 14:18

@TatianaBis

Would people here recommend bombarding people with information about abortions if they’d chosen not to have one?

Really, you need to stay out of people’s medical decisions. Tbh it’s not going to make any difference anyway.

Most people are 'bombarded' about info about vaccines anyway.

The OP has said that her ILs do not have TV or internet so may well not have any access to reliable information, a range of information or balanced information.

Most people are having discussions about the vaccine, lockdown, ways to keep us all safe.

Discussing the pros and cons of an important development in the middle of a pandemic is hardly bombarding anyone.

Obviously, as with abortion, if they have an ideological objection to any vaccines, akin, say, to Jehovah's Witnesses and blood transfusions, then a reasoned pros and cons discussion will be pointless because however risk free / miraculous the vaccine and however vulnerable they are they won't have it.

MyDcAreMarvel · 30/01/2021 14:18

It’s difficult for your dh to meet the needs of one 18 month old and one 6 year old all by himself, the poor little lamb.

PrincessScarlett · 30/01/2021 14:18

Totally agree with @wishingitwasfriday

My family and millions of other families haven't seen loved ones for a year - including me not seeing my grandparent before they died last year and my siblings who have given birth. It makes me sad that this bloody awful situation is going to carry on and on and on because people think they can bend the rules to suit themselves.

Regarding the OP's actual point about in-laws refusing the vaccine, they are entitled to refuse the vaccine but I would ensure they have all the proper facts and not just heresay.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 30/01/2021 14:20

Would people here recommend bombarding people with information about abortions if they’d chosen not to have one

Someone having an abortion doesnt affect the health of anyone else though does it? so this is a straw man argument. If someone chooses to have an abortion (or not to have an abortion) its not contributing to a higher level of risk of harm for anyone else they come into contact with. A viral pandemic is.

girlofnow · 30/01/2021 14:21

@MyDcAreMarvel

It’s difficult for your dh to meet the needs of one 18 month old and one 6 year old all by himself, the poor little lamb.
This has made me so cross. Unbelievable to increase everyone's risk by mixing with grandparents when one of the parents isn't working. I have kids of exactly the same age, we are both working from home and homeschooling the six year old and coping with the two year old. Not seen family since the summer when we were allowed to for a short time. No wonder we're all in this shit.
yeOldeTrout · 30/01/2021 14:22

To me it reads like OP wants to punish them. That is OP's motivation.

If it was always a faff to do their shopping (why OP and not her DH?) then fair enough to discontinue.

I strongly suspect it would not be worthwhile falling out with my children's grandparents over this.

girlofnow · 30/01/2021 14:23

I meant the thread, not mydc's comment which I wholeheartedly agree with!

Nanny0gg · 30/01/2021 14:24

[quote HotGlueGun]@snowgirl1 spot on. She was in an admin role. So she has heard snippets from supposed scientists/ doctors etc, many years ago and that coupled with bits she hears on the radio means she now has all sorts of strange notions about various things. They are not off grid but lead a very odd and extremely frugal lifestyle. I love them dearly but they exasperate me because of the way they are.

We probably are bending the rules re: childcare bubbles... we originally relied on them for school pick up (we absolutely did need their help then) and have just continued to allow them to see the kids... thinking that the risk is lower now as not exposed to school etc. But appreciate that it's not essential (other than in a few circumstances where we have needed their childcare re: hospital appointments etc). I guess we just got used to the arrangement and as the gov rules don't mention that it's just for work, that's how we've justified it. I'm also pretty sure that the rules have changed as I'm sure that at one point they did say that childcare bubbles were for working parents... so the fact that has been removed suggests it's not just for that. But maybe that's a reach on my part.

I have been uncomfortable with the arrangement but it's difficult to go against my husbands wishes. He's not a bully at all... very far from it. But he will use his parents for childcare to help out as he struggles to manage home educating our 6 year old whilst caring for our 18m old.... I am working and so cannot look after the kids during the day.

So now I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Do I stop the childcare, or because of their unwillingness to vaccinate but because we shouldn't have been doing it anyway? [/quote]
You stop because it's wrong.

And yes, homeschooling with a toddler is hard, but your husband will just have to do his best, just like thousands of other families

Maybe do some at the weekend when you're around?

Russellbrandshair · 30/01/2021 14:25

It’s bloody selfish idiots like this that will prolong this pandemic.

If they view the risk of vaccines as more risky than covid then they can do their own damn shopping can’t they? After all, in their eyes covid isn’t even as bad as the vaccine!

AtiaoftheJulii · 30/01/2021 14:26

So if I don't get the vaccine, and prefer to protect myself by staying at home, except for walks in the forest, and ask my daughter to do shopping for me thus further restricting my movements, surely nobody could object?

Your daughter could object to now being expected to do your shopping for the rest of your life! (I appreciate you are actually doing your own shopping.)

I’m happy to help people out, but would expect them to help themselves as well.

PrincessScarlett · 30/01/2021 14:29

Yes, and if a non working parent cannot cope with looking after his 2 kids whilst so many full time working parents are being driven to utter madness and exhaustion working AND looking after/home schooling their kids (with no help from grandparents due to folowing the rules) then he needs a bloody big kick up the arse!

DeeCeeCherry · 30/01/2021 14:29

WIBU to a) stop doing their shopping for them and b) reduce/ stop their contact with the kids?

What you really mean is you will punish them by not getting their shopping, but will still want them to do childcare. After all your DCs are the leverage here, aren't they?

You want your PIL to vaccinate for the sake of your childcare arrangements.

What does 'reduce contact' even mean, in this situation? If you're worried as they won't vaccinate then there's no in-between in terms of stopping contact. & Does your H not have a say in contact arrangements? & He can do his parents' shopping if No Contact becomes a thing, can't he?

You may not agree with their decision but, it is theirs. If you don't agree then there are ways and means of discussing, explaining your concerns etc. You never know what could come of it, hopefully you'll give them food for thought and they will vaccinate, in time. But the way you're approaching it now won't get you anywhere.

Some of this thread comes across as so ageist - As if elders are stupid and can't make decisions so have to be treated as recalcitrant children. They are adults.

almostvalentines · 30/01/2021 14:30

I can see it now. Boris calls another press conference
"Just to clarify, people can have extended childcare bubbles, and increase the risk of the virus spreading if the poor wee stay at home dad, who isn't working, is struggling to cope with his two children. "

TatianaBis · 30/01/2021 14:31

@BogForLife

Most people are 'bombarded' about info about vaccines anyway.

The OP has said that her ILs do not have TV or internet so may well not have any access to reliable information, a range of information or balanced information.

So if someone who doesn’t want an abortion doesn’t have a TV, you’re entitled to lecture them? Media is irrelevant.

The PIL vacc’d their kids so they’re obviously not anti-vaxx.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 30/01/2021 14:32

Some of this thread comes across as so ageist - As if elders are stupid and can't make decisions so have to be treated as recalcitrant children. They are adults

As is the OP and she can also make decisions that she is comfortable with. OP isnt stupid or a child either- she is perfectly within her rights to not do their shopping anymore since as you say, they ARE grown adults who can take responsibility for their own lives- so surely they can do their own shopping.

Sinful8 · 30/01/2021 14:34

@HotGlueGun

So my in-laws (early 70s) have declined to have the vaccine. They are in our childcare bubble and so we see them regularly. They also ask us to do their shopping. WIBU to a) stop doing their shopping for them and b) reduce/ stop their contact with the kids? I'm really cross about but appreciate that they have free will and it's their choice. But resent having to do shopping for them... it's like they are happy for us to be at risk and aren't prepared to take reasonable steps to reduce their vulnerability and eliminate the risk for themselves/ the wider community.
Not like they did your shopping for you for 16+ years or anything....
randomer · 30/01/2021 14:34

They sound....er unusual people.

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