Not sure if mine is CFuckery or just plain ineptitude!
Years ago we lived in a two bedroom flat and as were pre children had enough money to get a cleaner (oh how those days have gone). Went with someone a few people we knew had used and recommended.
Should have known it wasn't going well after the first clean...
... we were both at work when she did the flat and she called me up in a panic two hours after she's left the flat. Apparently she had lost our keys after locking the flat up. She used public transport so the key could have been dropped anywhere on her route. Ok, I sighed and thought, annoying to have to recut keys but not the end of the world. It gets worse... she had added a key ring label and added our FULL address to the key so anyone who picked them up would be in no doubt what flat number, road and postcode it was for.
I asked why she had felt the need to add a full address label and not just our names and she was a bit confused at the question as wondered how else she'd remember the address. She did this for all her clients apparently and had only just realised it may be an issue. Anyway, she'd been back and forward over the route twice, rung tfl and logged it but they weren't anywhere.
At this point I thought anyone who found them and was that way inclined would probably use them sooner rather than later so I rushed to work from home so someone was in (DH up in Scotland with work at the time). I didn't feel safe being home alone for another two days so asked several times that she was sure she'd dropped them somewhere public..,yes.
I got quotes to change the locks and found cheapest £90. She didn't offer to pay but I did press that this was her mistake so we came up with a plan to take it out of what we pay her over 6 months.
Two days later she rings and says she's found the keys in the back pocket of the jeans she was wearing 🤦🏻♀️. Then says as she didn't actually lose the keys, she obviously now didn't have to pay for the changed locks... erm...no
About a year later I came home unexpectedly to find two young boys playing with DH's Xbox (maybe 8 and 10) and eating the rest of the cake that was in the fridge (which, in fairness I'd said she could help herself to a slice of) and cleaner having a cup of tea in the kitchen. Apparently they were both off sick and she couldn't leave them at home. I get that...and I probably would have said it was ok if only she'd asked.
The final straw (can't believe there needed to be one after the above!) was about a year after that. We'd had new carpets fitted about a month earlier... we'd fallen into a habit of paying a month upfront as finances were tight for her. It was about the 20th of the month and she'd been to ours and clean while we were at work. She text and said she's about to book a holiday and would it be possible to pay the following month already as she'd really appreciate it for booking her deposit. I didn't see the issue and said fine and transferred.
Got home to find the beige new carpet absolutely covered in black marks. Every single room was covered. We immediately text her and she feigned surprise and suggested that as we opened our front door, maybe a stray dog had got into the flat with dirty paws and left the black marks on the carpet and then snuck out (!!) We didn't tell her what the marks were, just that the carpet was dirty so we knew she'd done it.
We later discovered a box of black hair dye in a bin she'd forgotten to empty (she'd dyed her hair in our bathroom???) and some of this dye was rubbed on the hoover brush and then used in every single room! Surely the moment you saw the hoover make that mark, you'd stop!?
Anyway, she blocked us, kept the money we paid upfront and stuck our keys through the door one day. It took three years of vanish every time we hoovered to get the marks to fade enough you couldn't see them.
Lesson learnt, one strike is enough!!