To think I wasn't in the wrong to send this message back

[Itsmadhere]

Hi. I hope I don't get flamed but I'm sure I'm not in the wrong here but I thought I'd get the opinion of you lovely folk to help me decide.

A bit of back story - I'm having a REALLY shitty time at the moment and two days ago I found out that my lovely Granny who is 90 has got coronavirus and then a few hours later my friend called me upset that her, her husband and their daughter were feeling poorly and has also tested positive - these are the first people I've come across in my inner circle to have actually tested positive and I think I am right to be anxious/upset.

I reassured my friend and my Granny that they would be OK and I'd do what I could socially distanced obviously.

Feeling quite upset I messaged what I considered to be a close friend telling them that I was freaking out a bit about the whole situation and this was their message back...

"And how does that help you or them? Normal people are in for an uncomfortable time and that's it. Working yourself up is not a productive way to divert your focus. The last she will want is you freaking out that'll send her anxiety into the stratosphere. Offer all the emotional support you can but keep it positive."

I sent back...

"I'm not an idiot. I know how to interact socially. I've told her she'll be fine and offered her my support emotionally and physically if she needs stuff. Life just feels very hard at the moment and if I want to internally freak out then I think that's OK."

I think I might have been a bit defensive but they made me feel like I was an idiot. Its been two days and I've heard nothing back from them.

Was I at fault?

I think your friend was trying to help and offer you some reassurance but it just came across badly.
I don't think she is likely to reply to the message you've sent, so you can either let it lie as it is and accept you may not hear from her again or bite the bullet and message her first.

I don't think there's "fault" here. I think your mate was trying to be reassuring (difficult to say with certainty without knowing what you texted him first) and you read his response as more patronising than he intended it. You might want to send a followup message to reiterate that you didn't mean to sound snappy. Most good friends would realise that you're stressed and maybe more short tempered than usual at the moment and wouldn't hold a grudge, though.

This is a problem with texting. Things get misinterpreted. It does sound like your friends text was a little critical and then you over reacted to that.

I think a lot of people are struggling at the moment.

I don't think either of you were U or rude 🤷

Some people are very solution focused. So your friend got your message about freaking out and her way of talking you down off the ledge was to remind you that it is probably counter productive. It can come across as harsh but not everyone can do the ‘oh no how awful’ head pat thing. I’m sure she didn’t mean to be dismissive. A lot can get lost in translation over text. I would text her and apologise for snapping if i were you. She will probably apologise for not being fluffier, it’ll all blow over.

It's perhaps a bit blunt, but ultimately is true and I wouldn't consider any of it a big deal.

I think the whole "I'm not an idiot" is over-defensive and comes across as unreasonable. If you think its ok then you don't need your friends approval anyway. I agree with Origami that she probably won't reply to that to avoid further drama so I would simply leave it a little bit and send a message this evening apologising if it came across dramatic, acknowledging she is correct in what she is saying but that you are struggling at the moment. I'm sure it will be fine OP, it doesn't seem a huge deal. If its ok for you to have your opinion then its ok for her to have hers.

Oh i missed that you’re playing the pronoun game, is this a bloke who you texted? Well, same applies.

The way I read was they just assumed that because I'd said I was in a panic that I was going to be calling my sick friend like "Oh my god friend you've got coronavirus! You're going to die for sure!"

What exactly was the first massage you sent? I think it’s probably telling that you haven’t included it but anyway, your friends response looks fine to me.

It was a man, sorry, I did realise I hadn't put that! No games being played @ItsmadhereMadameButterface

@BornIn78 Sorry, I didn't think to include my first message -

"Hi friend, sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. DP ended up going to the Dr's yesterday as he has an infection, so I'm manning the Fort here whilst he's resting up. I'm freaking out at the minute, C just let me know that her, P and H are feeling really poorly and have just tested positive for covid. So that's them and my Granny now!

That's what I sent.

I think he was being rational and you irrational. Did you want him to freak out with you? People usually moan when their friends are being negative, not positive. YABU.

You were in the wrong as you were being defensive but she was only trying to help.
I don’t think I would have replied to that either.

Have you sent her another text since?
You could find an excuse to message her and in that text apologise if it came across snappy you were just worried and tired.

Your first message didn't sound like you were "internally freaking out", so I can see why she sent the message she did. I can also see why you got a bit defensive about it. As others have said, tone is difficult to convey in text messages.

@Itsmadhere

The way I read was they just assumed that because I'd said I was in a panic that I was going to be calling my sick friend like "Oh my god friend you've got coronavirus! You're going to die for sure!"

I didn’t read it like that but obviously you know them.

But why would I have panicked my sick friend by telling her I was freaking out - obviously I wouldn't let her know I was worrying.

I don't think either of you were at fault. I think your friend was just giving you practical advice, since you did say you were freaking out, but it's easy for a text to come across the wrong way. I wouldn't spend too much time worrying about it. If you're good friends, it will blow over.

"The thing last she will want is you freaking out that'll send her anxiety into the stratosphere." That's the part of the message that got my hairs up - I never once said that I'd told my sick friend I was panicking!!

To be honest her response was very apathetic - almost like a response one might have given on MN and not to a good friend who they (apparently) knew well. I don't think your message was unreasonable at all. Hers was direct and quite frankly, uncalled for in it's abruptness.

I think his response was somewhere between trying to be helpful, patronising and abrupt. Wouldn’t love it myself.

That's how I read it - patronising and abrupt!

I think your original text didn't communicate very well what you were really feeling. Saying you were freaking out sounds a bit self centered and attention seeking really. Loads of people have had covid now, obviously you are right to be worried about a 90 year old though. If you had said you were worried about your grandmother and your friends rather than "freaking out" the response would probably have been different. Their response was quite abrupt though - some people are just like that, or maybe you touched a nerve for some reason (either they have something worse going on, or do you have form for creating drama?). I think perhaps text again apologising for over reacting and explain you are just worried about your grandmother.

Is he a good friend? Someone that's well aware of how you react to bad news?

@SnackSizeRaisin I was saying that I was freaking out because my DP is sick and my Granny and my friend (and her family).

@TheCanyon We've been friends for years. Close friends too I'd say.