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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I wasn't in the wrong to send this message back

148 replies

Itsmadhere · 29/01/2021 20:50

Hi. I hope I don't get flamed but I'm sure I'm not in the wrong here but I thought I'd get the opinion of you lovely folk to help me decide.

A bit of back story - I'm having a REALLY shitty time at the moment and two days ago I found out that my lovely Granny who is 90 has got coronavirus and then a few hours later my friend called me upset that her, her husband and their daughter were feeling poorly and has also tested positive - these are the first people I've come across in my inner circle to have actually tested positive and I think I am right to be anxious/upset.

I reassured my friend and my Granny that they would be OK and I'd do what I could socially distanced obviously.

Feeling quite upset I messaged what I considered to be a close friend telling them that I was freaking out a bit about the whole situation and this was their message back...

"And how does that help you or them? Normal people are in for an uncomfortable time and that's it. Working yourself up is not a productive way to divert your focus. The last she will want is you freaking out that'll send her anxiety into the stratosphere. Offer all the emotional support you can but keep it positive."

I sent back...

"I'm not an idiot. I know how to interact socially. I've told her she'll be fine and offered her my support emotionally and physically if she needs stuff. Life just feels very hard at the moment and if I want to internally freak out then I think that's OK."

I think I might have been a bit defensive but they made me feel like I was an idiot. Its been two days and I've heard nothing back from them.

Was I at fault?

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsmadhere · 30/01/2021 17:14

Just to update, I received a box from Amazon in about 15 minutes ago with my favourite things in and an apology. I immediately called them and apologised too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsmadhere · 30/01/2021 17:15

I don't know where the "in" bit came from so just ignore that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsmadhere · 30/01/2021 17:15

I meant I called my friend, not Amazon. Lol.

OP posts:
Fluffmum · 30/01/2021 17:43

Ah the problem of the text!! She probably didn’t write it like how you’ve read it!Grin

Icimoi · 30/01/2021 18:32

I don't know, I managed to cope with the news that my 91 year old mother, my son, my DIL, my husband and I all had CV a few weeks ago without freaking out. I didn't think that was in any way unusual.

MissMarpleDarling · 30/01/2021 18:33

The message from your friend read fine to me, your reply though OP..... YABU

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 30/01/2021 18:58

Is this site for mum's or what? He is obviously mansplaining and has no emotional intelligence whatsoever. YANBU and don't bother messaging him again if you need emotional support.
Hope your granny and inner circle get better soon xxxx

changingmine · 30/01/2021 19:03

@Icimoi

I don't know, I managed to cope with the news that my 91 year old mother, my son, my DIL, my husband and I all had CV a few weeks ago without freaking out. I didn't think that was in any way unusual.
But the OP did freak out. Your comment is as unhelpful as the insensitive mansplaining "friend's". A vacuum of empathy in this thread.
LaLaLandIsNoFun · 30/01/2021 19:06

Your friend isn’t much of a friend.

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 30/01/2021 19:09

Am so glad he realised he waa in the wrong and you got your friend back. Much love xxx

changingmine · 30/01/2021 19:12

@Itsmadhere

Just to update, I received a box from Amazon in about 15 minutes ago with my favourite things in and an apology. I immediately called them and apologised too.
Yay!!
AMBE123 · 30/01/2021 19:39

I think people are possibly reading 'freaking out' differently but I didn't see anything wrong with the original text. I used to often use the expression 'freaking out' when I'm a bit anxious or worried. It doesn't mean I'm literally freaking out, it's just an expression left over from hippy years...

Happyher · 30/01/2021 20:12

I read his message that he was trying to tell you to pull yourself together. Are you maybe a bit of a drama queen? Was he trying to remind you who the people who actually need help are? I’m not criticising you - it just seems you and he are at opposite ends of the spectrum when dealing with difficulty

Yokey · 30/01/2021 20:13

Your friend was abrupt. Does he consider you someone who tries to elicit sympathy often, even when it's not really you who is suffering? Does he think you are dramatic and make things about you? I'm not saying you are because I don't know you. It's a potential scenario from the message exchange. Tbh I know people like that and I struggle to encourage/enable that sort of self-centred, self-pity party that uses other people's misfortunes to get attention.

ExhaustedFlamingo · 31/01/2021 06:04

Ah OP, your update is lovely. Just shows it’s perfectly possible to realise you’ve been a bit insensitive, apologise and keep the friendship intact. Yay to both of you!! ❤️

winniestone37 · 31/01/2021 09:33

Often when we go to our friends/ other halves/family when we’re upset it’s just to offload and be heard. We don’t really need advice, you’re friend decided to give advice when all you wanted was to offload and be heard. You could have responded by saying ‘thanks for the advice but I’m going to just feel my feelings which is normal. Like anyone I’ll work through them.’ She isn’t your counsellor so if you open up your life to her she can respond however she chooses, the lesson here is it doesn’t suit you. So maybe don’t go to her with how you feel.

winniestone37 · 31/01/2021 09:34

I’ve just seen the update- how lovely!!

190190tnt · 31/01/2021 09:53

I had covid (November) and quite a few of my friends and family freaked out! I understand it though, it's a stressful and scary time and I could hear the terror in my friends messages and phone calls 'oh my God, this is bad' etc we were the first people in our circle to have so it really hit home i think. Your friend should have realised you were stressed and could have been more understanding instead of reprimanding you! I have people saying to me how 'lucky' we are that we didn't end up in ITU but we are still feeling the effects of bastard that is corona, no taste, extreme fatigue that comes and goes, and now circulatory problems...yes thank God we didn't end up in ITU on ventilators but I don't feel 'lucky' it was a scary time. Maybe I'm being unreasonable.

Original poster
Itsmadhere · 31/01/2021 12:23

@190190tnt You are not unreasonable at all. I had type A flu (bird flu) in 2018 and I'm still physically suffering. The trauma I went through in the ITU will stick with me for a long time yet. YOU don't HAVE to feel lucky. It's not a requirement. You can feel pissed off, sad, tired, whatever you like. I hope that you have a good support network around you Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsmadhere · 31/01/2021 12:24

@ExhaustedFlamingo I was extremely touched and I didn't even finish opening the package before I picked up the phone to call them.

OP posts:
Flatoutonsofa · 31/01/2021 15:43

Messages can so easily be misinterpreted, but I'd have reacted the same way as you. I think his answer was pretty rude. If you value the friendship, probs best to apologise and try to forget how annoyed you were, but tbh he doesn't sound helpful or sympathetic. Better to confide in someone else next time.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 31/01/2021 15:48

possibly reads a little harshly depending on your interpretation, personally I think friend was trying to be calming and supportive.
If you needed emotional support, a phone call rather than a text would have been more appropriate.

Nonicknamesleft · 31/01/2021 23:12

@Itsmadhere
Just reading through this fascinating thread having voted yesterday (that you weren't being unreasonable, I thought). So glad to read that it had a happy ending and I hope things get better for all those you love and are worrying about xxx

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