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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I wasn't in the wrong to send this message back

148 replies

Itsmadhere · 29/01/2021 20:50

Hi. I hope I don't get flamed but I'm sure I'm not in the wrong here but I thought I'd get the opinion of you lovely folk to help me decide.

A bit of back story - I'm having a REALLY shitty time at the moment and two days ago I found out that my lovely Granny who is 90 has got coronavirus and then a few hours later my friend called me upset that her, her husband and their daughter were feeling poorly and has also tested positive - these are the first people I've come across in my inner circle to have actually tested positive and I think I am right to be anxious/upset.

I reassured my friend and my Granny that they would be OK and I'd do what I could socially distanced obviously.

Feeling quite upset I messaged what I considered to be a close friend telling them that I was freaking out a bit about the whole situation and this was their message back...

"And how does that help you or them? Normal people are in for an uncomfortable time and that's it. Working yourself up is not a productive way to divert your focus. The last she will want is you freaking out that'll send her anxiety into the stratosphere. Offer all the emotional support you can but keep it positive."

I sent back...

"I'm not an idiot. I know how to interact socially. I've told her she'll be fine and offered her my support emotionally and physically if she needs stuff. Life just feels very hard at the moment and if I want to internally freak out then I think that's OK."

I think I might have been a bit defensive but they made me feel like I was an idiot. Its been two days and I've heard nothing back from them.

Was I at fault?

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 29/01/2021 23:13

Most people who get it are fine. Although a worry for your elderly grandmother, but your friend and family will be fine I’m sure. I think so many people have had it now that it does feel like over reaction when people start ‘freaking out’.

Twillow · 29/01/2021 23:21

It doesn't come across as rude to me - blunt maybe, but just wasn't what YOU wanted to hear in terms of support. You reacted in your context but need to recognise that's why you maybe over-analysed and were irritated. Your friend is probably now at a bit of a loss about how to respond, hence their silence.

NotFabulousDarling · 29/01/2021 23:29

Your friend is being patronising and it comes across as he's telling you how you should respond to your other friend. I have a "friend" like this and he is insufferable. I snapped at him last time he did it because I'm sick of him making out like he's the first person in the world to have thought of anything. It's a very infantilising way of talking to people and I don't need tips on "social skills" from someone like that, it sounds like you don't, either. To me it always feels like they go through life thinking no one else knows anything at all until they come along and enlighten us. As I get older, I've stopped tolerating such patronizing behaviour from people.

saraclara · 29/01/2021 23:29

Some people are just 'fixers'. I have a close friend who'd have reacted the same way. He thinks he's helping. I've learned (especially in messaging, where he can't pick up my tone of voice or facial expression) to tailor what I write accordingly. Because if I give any impression at all of what he will see as panicking (but I intend to be read as being concerned) he'll reply like your friend and really piss me off.

He's actually just as kind and caring as the friends who'd react with "oh no! You poor thing...you must be so worried!" - he just supports me in a different way. It's the 'wrong' way for me, but it's all he knows how to do. So I say communicate in a different way with him, and appreciate him for who he is.

Chloemol · 29/01/2021 23:32

I don’t see the problem with what she sent, and tbh after the text you sent back I wouldn’t be contacting you, you sound like hard work, and no one needs that at the moment.

Original poster
Itsmadhere · 29/01/2021 23:33

@NotFabulousDarling Yes, it's not the first time they have made comments that have come across as being patronising either. It's like without their directions you'd be wandering around hopelessly!

OP posts:
billy1966 · 29/01/2021 23:38

OP,

Sorry.
Wrong friend tonlook for support .

Don't sweat it.

Your friend is a PITA tit.

Now you know.

Covid has been marvellous for clarifying the wonderful friends from the useless tits🤣.
Be glad of the clarity.🙏

MrsWindass · 29/01/2021 23:41

Her message was totally OK .

Lovesacake · 29/01/2021 23:53

Op a lot of people at the moment are exhausted with constantly having to cheer up/support other people. None of us have been through this before and we’re all being tested. Maybe your friend had sent multiple supportive messages that day and was just tired of playing that role when likely they’re frightened too.

ShinyBeans · 30/01/2021 00:12

You say you're sorry for not getting back to him sooner. Could he be upset? Have you ignored things going on with him and only gotten in touch again to speak about your own problems? Not saying you're horrible or anything, but after reading your first message and many, many threads about why people ghosted their friends, I just get a vibe from his reply that he's not too happy with you.

Arobase · 30/01/2021 00:26

Your problem is that you weren't internally freaking out, as you claim, you were doing it at your friend. I suspect that he was aiming at a bit of tough love, and was maybe a bit impatient at you making your other friend's misfortunes all about you.

Original poster
Itsmadhere · 30/01/2021 00:28

@ShinyBeans No, I've been there whenever he's needed me. He broke up with his partner a few months ago and I couldn't have been more attentive - I sat talking on the phone for hours and sent him a goodie box of things he likes. Like I said before, we speak everyday usually.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsmadhere · 30/01/2021 00:31

@Arobase I wasn't making it about me. I was upset. Four of my family members (my friend who's ill is my sister-in-law, brother-in-law and little niece) including my elderly grandmother, are poorly with a potentially deadly virus. Why am I not allowed to be upset about this?!?

OP posts:
ktp100 · 30/01/2021 01:50

I think you took her message entirely the wrong way.

Nothing she said was wrong. It DOESN'T help to get worked up. Maybe she worded it poorly but your message was way worse.

daisychain01 · 30/01/2021 04:37

[quote Itsmadhere]@SnackSizeRaisin I caught type A flu 18 months ago and nearly died. My lungs are still at 27% functionality - I KNOW what it's like.[/quote]
Flowers OP.

Knowing that shared history, you'd have hoped he could have been more supportive as a friend. What would it have cost him to have sent you a friendly supportive comment. But it could have caught him at a bad moment. This is a frightening time for all of us, it's so random and unknown who's going to catch this damn virus and in the lap of the gods who will recover quickly, slowly or end up hospitalised.

Take care of your mental health first and foremost, but also bear in mind that others may act unpredictably to information that under normal circumstances they may have responded very differently (he might have had a MH 'flip' himself, given you both ended up in hospital. His MH may equally be on a knife-edge). As mentioned, best to keep texts to very factual, non-emotive things like "hope you're OK and let's have a chat by phone soon" etc.

swinglowsweetchariot12 · 30/01/2021 06:48

I think it may have been your wording of "freaking out" that may have kicked it off, to me freaking out invokes someone running around in a flap which, in his defence, does not help anyone. Also claiming to be doing it internally but then not may have put his back up.

Your response was definitely defensive and not the reply you were asking for. However I understand your worry at the situation.

If it bothers you that you two aren't texting, then maybe send one apologising for the terminology used and that you are worried about the situation with your man and was just looking for some support.

ContessaDiPulpo · 30/01/2021 06:58

That does sound like a rather poorly worded message from your friend, and I don't think you were unreasonable to snap back a bit!

Having said that, I have had to learn the art of not sending messages like that Grin I tend to write what I actually want to say, then top and tail it with acknowledgements of the other person's emotional state. This seems to work!

LittleBearPad · 30/01/2021 07:05

You sound a bit highly strung to me - if the first text is the normal type of thing you send i imagine they’re are a bit tired of the drama

changingmine · 30/01/2021 07:32

@LittleBearPad

You sound a bit highly strung to me - if the first text is the normal type of thing you send i imagine they’re are a bit tired of the drama
No need to be so unkind, the OP has explained how distressed she is about her family situation. It is OK for her to be less than calm and collected.
georgarina · 30/01/2021 07:40

I think it's fine. You both said what you felt. The friend could have worded their message more sensitively but probably meant well, and you gave your honest reaction. I think it'll blow over soon.

swinglowsweetchariot12 · 30/01/2021 08:04

I asked my husband's opinion as OP sent the message to a bloke.

His response was

"In the history of reactions, freaking out has never helped a situation"

So I think OPs message from friend is a typical bloke response lol

changingmine · 30/01/2021 08:05

@swinglowsweetchariot12

I asked my husband's opinion as OP sent the message to a bloke.

His response was

"In the history of reactions, freaking out has never helped a situation"

So I think OPs message from friend is a typical bloke response lol

Seriously we don't need your husband's opinion as some sort of oracle.
WunWun · 30/01/2021 08:09

Their response would have sent me into a fucking rage and I'd have sent something far more cutting than you did back.

saraclara · 30/01/2021 08:13

@changingmine that's pretty unfair. The pp ran it by her DH to get a male perspective. Not as if he was the Oracle.

I've said earlier that my best (male) friend tends to respond in the same 'fixing' way to a message like that. There's plenty of literature out there about men being fixers and women being empathisers..

swinglowsweetchariot12 · 30/01/2021 08:20

[quote saraclara]**@changingmine that's pretty unfair. The pp ran it by her DH to get a male perspective. Not as if he was the Oracle.

I've said earlier that my best (male) friend tends to respond in the same 'fixing' way to a message like that. There's plenty of literature out there about men being fixers and women being empathisers..[/quote]
Exactly @changingmine it was to show that a male friend response would probably be different to what a female response would be.

Girl friends would probably be more empathetic where as men are more linear and practical

But thanks for your sarky comment