To think I wasn't in the wrong to send this message back

[Itsmadhere]

Hi. I hope I don't get flamed but I'm sure I'm not in the wrong here but I thought I'd get the opinion of you lovely folk to help me decide.

A bit of back story - I'm having a REALLY shitty time at the moment and two days ago I found out that my lovely Granny who is 90 has got coronavirus and then a few hours later my friend called me upset that her, her husband and their daughter were feeling poorly and has also tested positive - these are the first people I've come across in my inner circle to have actually tested positive and I think I am right to be anxious/upset.

I reassured my friend and my Granny that they would be OK and I'd do what I could socially distanced obviously.

Feeling quite upset I messaged what I considered to be a close friend telling them that I was freaking out a bit about the whole situation and this was their message back...

"And how does that help you or them? Normal people are in for an uncomfortable time and that's it. Working yourself up is not a productive way to divert your focus. The last she will want is you freaking out that'll send her anxiety into the stratosphere. Offer all the emotional support you can but keep it positive."

I sent back...

"I'm not an idiot. I know how to interact socially. I've told her she'll be fine and offered her my support emotionally and physically if she needs stuff. Life just feels very hard at the moment and if I want to internally freak out then I think that's OK."

I think I might have been a bit defensive but they made me feel like I was an idiot. Its been two days and I've heard nothing back from them.

Was I at fault?

Close enough to know you would worry/stress like hell then?

@SnackSizeRaisin Lots of people are still dying from Covid! I think that's reason enough to be scared. Why should I worry more about my Granny than my friend, covid isn't always fussy.

Please don't spend time over-analysing this, it's really not worth it. Let the dust settle and check in with them in a week or so.

I’m going to try to say this in as kind a way as poasible but the text and indeed this thread seems like an over reaction to what was maybe a little bit of a Curt text (at worst). Is it possible you do have a tendency to dramatise things?

@TheCanyon I guess so yes.

Not surprised you haven't heard back. You snapped at the person. I wouldn't be replying esp with capital OK on the end

@AIMD I think deep down I'm just upset that they felt the need to be so unemotional with me. They could have just said "I'm sorry that really sucks, I'm here if you need to talk" or something like that.

I think it's important that people in general are going through things - some a lot more than others. If someone told me they were freaking out as they knew someone with covid, I would think it was a bit overly dramatic. But it's relative - I appreciate it sounds like so far, you have not been impacted.

That’s understandable. Their text doesn’t show much empathy with how you are feeling.

I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of people have limited reserves of emotional energy to be able to offer empathy to others.

I’d let it go if this is a one off.

He was probably coming from a good place but the last thing you want is a blunt message saying how ridiculous your being when you've said your worried. I'd be annoyed at his response too.

"The thing last she will want is you freaking out that'll send her anxiety into the stratosphere." That's the part of the message that got my hairs up - I never once said that I'd told my sick friend I was panicking!!

I didn’t read it as this at all!

I often say this - look after yourself because the person who is ill wouldn’t want you to not eat/ take care of yourself/ worry too much etc - even though the ill person probably isn’t thinking that it’s just a way to home they’ll take care of themselves

I don't think you are unreasonable. I think the correct response is a sympathetic one and her response is quite cold and harsh. You probably didn't need to respond the way you did, but I can understand why.

In that case I think he was probably just clumsily trying to tell you to remember your boundaries and keep a positive outlook. Bit straightforward and I'd of called him an arsehole too if I was you but I do think he means well

Well I agree. I wouldn't be happy getting that text
He just doesn't sound he's 'there' at all

Itsmadhere Your friend had forgotten her role as a friend. I have had this happen to me. She was being a bit of a bitch with you for whatever reason.

Well I think both your and his messages are fine but very blunt which can be interpreted the wrong way.

There are two main types of people I reckon. When you tell them of your concerns or predicament, one will sympathise and reassure you; the other will come up with a practical solution to the problem.

Tell one that you are miserable because of x, and they will respond with "Oh that's awful, no wonder you feel so rotten" and the other person will respond "There's no point in being miserable, what good is that going to do?".

It seems your friend is the latter.

Friend isn’t being ‘rational’, rather tone deaf

@Hankunamatata

Not surprised you haven't heard back. You snapped at the person. I wouldn't be replying esp with capital OK on the end

OK is supposed to be written in capitals.

The first time I read it I think YANBU, but reading a second time, maybe they are trying clumsily to be helpful. I understand why you reacted to it, I would initially read it as treating me like an idiot who doesn't realise that freaking out is counter productive, and would put that onto the other friend, obviously you know that! But I think maybe neither is being intentionally unreasonable here.

@PrincessOfAllOurTarts My phone won't even let me type it any other way 😂

I’m with you op. I thought your friend was being rude & dismissive.

[quote Itsmadhere]@AIMD I think deep down I'm just upset that they felt the need to be so unemotional with me. They could have just said "I'm sorry that really sucks, I'm here if you need to talk" or something like that.[/quote]
That's what I'd have said to you.

There was no need for him to be so scratchy to you. Does he normally lack emotional intelligence?

At the moment, it's probably best to keep texts to just the facts and maybe use the phone or video for catch ups. Not the same as face to face but at least people see each other's faces and a bit of body language whereas texts are open to misinterpretation.

Your friends response was very direct and unsympathetic. But only you know if that's that's their usual disposition.
Is your friend OK - perhaps there's something stressful going in their life that caused them to respond so inconsiderately?

@Itsmadhere I did say that if you had said you were worried the response would be different. It's the freaking out part that's irritating. Sounds rather like you are trying to make the drama all about you when it's someone else who is actually suffering with the disease. Especially when plenty of us here have either had the disease or lost people to it. You are kind of acting as though you are the only one affected. That may have annoyed your friend. I have a friend who was "freaking out" that she had visited a workplace where someone had covid. Meanwhile my dad is seriously ill with it. I found her panicking and complete over reaction a bit hard to have any sympathy for. I don't know you in real life obviously, this may not be what you are like at all, just trying to explain why your friend may have reacted a bit harshly to your initial text.