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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I wasn't in the wrong to send this message back

148 replies

Itsmadhere · 29/01/2021 20:50

Hi. I hope I don't get flamed but I'm sure I'm not in the wrong here but I thought I'd get the opinion of you lovely folk to help me decide.

A bit of back story - I'm having a REALLY shitty time at the moment and two days ago I found out that my lovely Granny who is 90 has got coronavirus and then a few hours later my friend called me upset that her, her husband and their daughter were feeling poorly and has also tested positive - these are the first people I've come across in my inner circle to have actually tested positive and I think I am right to be anxious/upset.

I reassured my friend and my Granny that they would be OK and I'd do what I could socially distanced obviously.

Feeling quite upset I messaged what I considered to be a close friend telling them that I was freaking out a bit about the whole situation and this was their message back...

"And how does that help you or them? Normal people are in for an uncomfortable time and that's it. Working yourself up is not a productive way to divert your focus. The last she will want is you freaking out that'll send her anxiety into the stratosphere. Offer all the emotional support you can but keep it positive."

I sent back...

"I'm not an idiot. I know how to interact socially. I've told her she'll be fine and offered her my support emotionally and physically if she needs stuff. Life just feels very hard at the moment and if I want to internally freak out then I think that's OK."

I think I might have been a bit defensive but they made me feel like I was an idiot. Its been two days and I've heard nothing back from them.

Was I at fault?

OP posts:
Interweb · 29/01/2021 22:17

Your friend was insensitive and patronising.

Only you will know if that is standard for them, or maybe a little out of character.

Either way you weren't wrong to explain yourself.

Original poster
Itsmadhere · 29/01/2021 22:17

@daisychain01 That's what I'd have said to him and I have said things like that to him in the past. We both caught swine flu in 2009 and coincidentally both ended up in ITU after developing pneumonia - so he knows I'm going to be a bit on edge with this sort of thing.

OP posts:
Bourbonbiccy · 29/01/2021 22:20

I think a lot of people are going through stuff at the moment with all different emotions.

Just ring them and have a chat, txt can be interpreted all wrong. Both cut each other some slack, the longer it festers the harder it is to make the call, don't loose a friendship over it.

Original poster
Itsmadhere · 29/01/2021 22:20

@SnackSizeRaisin I caught type A flu 18 months ago and nearly died. My lungs are still at 27% functionality - I KNOW what it's like.

OP posts:
LankylegsFromOz · 29/01/2021 22:21

I wouldn't be happy receiving that text. I think it's good you called your friend out in it. I would have been upset to receive that text but seethe quietly to keep the peace.

Original poster
Itsmadhere · 29/01/2021 22:22

@LankylegsFromOz I kinda wish I'd not said anything now! But you should be able to get support from your friends!!

OP posts:
bloodyhairy · 29/01/2021 22:23

I could tell your friend was a man. His tone is dismissive and solution focused. Not much emotion there at all.
Hope you and your family are ok, OP Thanks

Sillysandy · 29/01/2021 22:25

I think your friend is uncaring and patronising. Your granny is sick! What a tosser.

Stinkywizzleteets · 29/01/2021 22:26

I’d have preferred your friends response to the fake ‘poor you. have a text hug. sympathetic smiley face’
With zero real concern for how you feel or any solution in how to improve how you feel.

BBCONEANDTWO · 29/01/2021 22:29

@HandsFaceLace

To be honest her response was very apathetic - almost like a response one might have given on MN and not to a good friend who they (apparently) knew well. I don't think your message was unreasonable at all. Hers was direct and quite frankly, uncalled for in it's abruptness.
^^This.
Original poster
Itsmadhere · 29/01/2021 22:32

@Stinkywizzleteets I also would have preferred this!

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 29/01/2021 22:32

I think your friends message is ridiculous and yours is fine.

I hope your Granny is okay.

NoSquirrels · 29/01/2021 22:33

It would have been nicer for you if he’d reassured you and left it at that. But the message he sent wasn’t deliberately offensive - you said you were “freaking out” having discovered your friends have COVID and he was just saying “freaking out isn’t helpful.” He maybe didn’t need to say it but it wasn’t him passing judgement on you.

My DH will often recount in a het up fashion how wound up he is with X, Y, Z that a colleague/client is doing and sometimes I’ll say “Well, it would be better to approach it this way” and he’ll get the hump “I’m not an idiot, OBVIOUSLY I haven’t said this to their faces” etc. Well.... sometimes it’s not obvious Grin

People react to what you present, that’s all. And text is a shot medium for nuance.

Just send another cheerful message and forget about it.

jacks11 · 29/01/2021 22:39

I have to say “freaking out” does suggest more than concern, TBH. It does come across as perhaps a little OTT.

I am also one who is getting fed up of some of the OTT reactions. It’s a bit tedious and can come across as a bit hysterical. I’d be concerned about your elderly granny too, but unless your friend or her husband are high risk in some way, then I think I’d have mild concern for them. I think your friend may have read it as a bit of an OTT text and thought you probably needed a reality check/calmed down a bit. perhaps he was a bit blunt, but I don’t think he was necessarily wrong.

HeddaGarbled · 29/01/2021 22:43

I understand why you were annoyed but e-Mail/text/message spats are never a good idea.

Googlebrained · 29/01/2021 22:47

He sounds like he was telling you off really and making out how much more rational he would be.

Not sure how that helps you at all.

It also sounds like there are a lot of people who lack empathy on this thread.

If you'd wanted advice, you'd have asked for it. You quite clearly wanted some support and empathy. I wouldn't be seeking it from him in future.

changingmine · 29/01/2021 22:49

I think your friend is a condescending and mansplaining twat. No wonder you were annoyed.

Bluntness100 · 29/01/2021 22:51

I think he tried to help in a problem solving way. You wanted sympathy and understanding. When you didn’t get it you snapped at him back. I’m honestly not sure he did anything wrong, other than not measure up to your expectations, and I’m not sure he deserved a kick.

PracticallyFloored · 29/01/2021 22:51

Tbh the older I get the less inclined I am to put much effort into friendships with men. They just don't tend to do caring concern in the same way that women do.

Bluntness100 · 29/01/2021 22:54

@PracticallyFloored

Tbh the older I get the less inclined I am to put much effort into friendships with men. They just don't tend to do caring concern in the same way that women do.
I’d agree with this, men tend to be more problem solving. Which is exactly what he tried to do, you told him you were freaking out, he responded pragmatically to calm you. You didn’t like it and he likely felt attacked because in his head he tried to solve the problem.
Original poster
Itsmadhere · 29/01/2021 22:55

We are usually in each others pockets as we've known each other since starting secondary school (we are now mid 30s). We usually exchange messages "How are you?" etc everyday but since I sent that last one I've heard nothing. He hasn't even messaged to ask how my Granny is. It feels hurtful. I'm very close to her and age already had dementia Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsmadhere · 29/01/2021 22:56

She already has dementia * sorry, typo!

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 29/01/2021 22:57

@Itsmadhere

We are usually in each others pockets as we've known each other since starting secondary school (we are now mid 30s). We usually exchange messages "How are you?" etc everyday but since I sent that last one I've heard nothing. He hasn't even messaged to ask how my Granny is. It feels hurtful. I'm very close to her and age already had dementia Sad
So maybe apologise for snapping at him?

Op none of us have it easy right now, I get you’re freaking out, but you need to accept others are also struggling and don’t appreciate a bit of. Kick when they were trying to help and don’t measure up to what you wished.

Housing101 · 29/01/2021 23:06

Neither of you have been U.
Just that things get misconstrued over texts sometimes.

Maybe give it a couple of days and then send a nicer, unrelated message. No need to make it in to a situation. Hope your gran and friends feel better soon.

Pollypudding · 29/01/2021 23:07

Sorry to hear about your Gran and friend- hope they pull though. Maybe phone your other friend- it honestly sounds like he was trying to help. Just talk to him as text communication can be misunderstood as some PPs have said.