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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I wasn't in the wrong to send this message back

148 replies

Itsmadhere · 29/01/2021 20:50

Hi. I hope I don't get flamed but I'm sure I'm not in the wrong here but I thought I'd get the opinion of you lovely folk to help me decide.

A bit of back story - I'm having a REALLY shitty time at the moment and two days ago I found out that my lovely Granny who is 90 has got coronavirus and then a few hours later my friend called me upset that her, her husband and their daughter were feeling poorly and has also tested positive - these are the first people I've come across in my inner circle to have actually tested positive and I think I am right to be anxious/upset.

I reassured my friend and my Granny that they would be OK and I'd do what I could socially distanced obviously.

Feeling quite upset I messaged what I considered to be a close friend telling them that I was freaking out a bit about the whole situation and this was their message back...

"And how does that help you or them? Normal people are in for an uncomfortable time and that's it. Working yourself up is not a productive way to divert your focus. The last she will want is you freaking out that'll send her anxiety into the stratosphere. Offer all the emotional support you can but keep it positive."

I sent back...

"I'm not an idiot. I know how to interact socially. I've told her she'll be fine and offered her my support emotionally and physically if she needs stuff. Life just feels very hard at the moment and if I want to internally freak out then I think that's OK."

I think I might have been a bit defensive but they made me feel like I was an idiot. Its been two days and I've heard nothing back from them.

Was I at fault?

OP posts:
LankylegsFromOz · 30/01/2021 08:22

I don't think it's a typical male response. If someone sent that message to my husband, he would never send such a bitchy response (no matter how uncomfortable any show of emotion might make him).

At the risk of being fully flamed and hated forever in MN, I wonder if OPs mate is gay? That bitchy response makes me think he might be.

BTW, Im not homophobic but Im sure MN will pile on and say I am....

Imworthit · 30/01/2021 08:31

@NotFabulousDarling

Your friend is being patronising and it comes across as he's telling you how you should respond to your other friend. I have a "friend" like this and he is insufferable. I snapped at him last time he did it because I'm sick of him making out like he's the first person in the world to have thought of anything. It's a very infantilising way of talking to people and I don't need tips on "social skills" from someone like that, it sounds like you don't, either. To me it always feels like they go through life thinking no one else knows anything at all until they come along and enlighten us. As I get older, I've stopped tolerating such patronizing behaviour from people.
Is he usually this patronising? If not probably just didn’t know what to say.
DianaT1969 · 30/01/2021 10:02

I didn't read your friend's message as patronising. I really didn't like your response back. Snapping "I'm not an idiot!" is rude. Your messages also make the situation feel all about you. That dynamic is very wearing on a friendship. You wouldn't be top of my list to stay friendly with in future.

user1470132907 · 30/01/2021 10:07

I think his response back was a bit lacking in compassion, but I think most people are at the end of their tether right now and are using all their energy to just about keep it together. In that context, someone having a wobble about things that can’t be changed can feel, at best, frustrating. I have sent a similar message to your friend recently!

suspiria777 · 30/01/2021 11:02

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Original poster
Itsmadhere · 30/01/2021 11:31

@suspiria777 Screw you. I caught swine flu from my mum as she was working in a tamiflu clinic and I caught type A in hospital after giving birth prematurely. My lungs were already compromised by a pulmonary embolism I had a few months before. Not just unhygienic people get sick Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsmadhere · 30/01/2021 11:35

@Imworthit He's frequently patronising, it's probably why I responded the way I did.

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 30/01/2021 11:39

I'd just give them a call rather than a text. Sometimes people have problems expressing their support without it coming out a bit patronising or contrived, much simpler to talk.

sadpapercourtesan · 30/01/2021 11:52

I asked my DH (he's not an oracle, he's a complete muppet Grin but this is one of the few threads where a male perspective specifically is appropriate, I think)

he said "the bloke's response indicates that he was already pissed off at her about something else"

is that possible OP?

Imworthit · 30/01/2021 11:59

[quote Itsmadhere]@Imworthit He's frequently patronising, it's probably why I responded the way I did.[/quote]
Then don’t bother apologising. He’s not your friend. Don’t need people like that

Imworthit · 30/01/2021 12:04

"the bloke's response indicates that he was already pissed off at her about something else"

He’s probably over listening to your problems. The person who said you are dirty is just a dick. But it can be draining if your always talking about being ill. My mums partner, a nurse ironically, had no time at all for her being ill. Sorry to hear your having such a hard time

YoniAndGuy · 30/01/2021 12:09

[quote Itsmadhere]@Imworthit He's frequently patronising, it's probably why I responded the way I did.[/quote]
That's the key point, then.

Patronising and talks down to you. That's the purpose you fulfil in this 'friendship'; that's the dynamic.

Drop him! Or rather, don't bother from now on in. When he contacts you (because he will!), ignore his little 'punishment' silence and either freeze him out, or draw a new line going forward and don't stand for any more patronising. Call him out, raise your eyebrows, laugh at him.

But honestly, better to drop him.

Norwayreally · 30/01/2021 12:18

I’d freak out and be upset if any of the aforementioned end up in ICU but unless that happens, I wouldn’t be so concerned. 1 in 55 are estimated to currently have it in the U.K. so it’s pretty rampant and common right now, most will be fine.

MatildaTheCat · 30/01/2021 12:29

I’d have been very fed up with his response, absolute typical mansplaining.

Out of interest though, does he usually give you emotional support? You give it to him but is it mutual or is it a jokey, good-time friendship for him? A lot of men are crap at emotional support in my experience. Not all but a lot.

I hope your friends and granny are ok. I happen to know several people in the 80s and 90s who have recovered. When you can’t visit it’s double difficult.

Original poster
Itsmadhere · 30/01/2021 12:30

I've read back our last few messages just to see if there's anything I have missed and he has complained a few times that I've been quiet or not paying attention to him but I don't see that at all! I've always replied fairly promptly and thoroughly even if I've been really bogged down.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsmadhere · 30/01/2021 12:31

@MatildaTheCat That does make it hard yes. I've spoken to my poorly friend today and she's not too bad but her husband is suffering. My Granny seems to have perked up bless her, what a trooper! ❤️❤️❤️

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 30/01/2021 12:33

[quote Itsmadhere]@MatildaTheCat That does make it hard yes. I've spoken to my poorly friend today and she's not too bad but her husband is suffering. My Granny seems to have perked up bless her, what a trooper! ❤️❤️❤️[/quote]
They made that generation very tough. Grin

GintyMcGinty · 30/01/2021 12:34

This is what happens when you communicate by text instead of telephone- things get misunderstood cause you can't hear tone of voice.

redcarbluecar · 30/01/2021 12:40

I think his response is pompous and largely unsupportive, and yours is reasonable- why shouldn’t you express an emotional reaction to a friend? Possibly not too big a deal though in the grand scheme of your friendship- don’t mention it again maybe, but note to self not to seek support from him again.

Original poster
Itsmadhere · 30/01/2021 13:00

@GintyMcGinty That I get. Things get misunderstood. I just don't think there was any need for him to put what he did.

OP posts:
bluegreygreen · 30/01/2021 13:23

I'm finding this thread interesting with the varying reactions.

To me the implication of someone saying they're 'freaking out' is a lack of control. It doesn't imply that they're going to be careful what the say to the people actually in the situation. As a PP mentioned, to say that you are worried / concerned is different and invites a different response.

Your friend's reply is a typical 'fixer' / practical one. He's trying to help you not to 'work yourself up' and make things worse for your friend who is unwell.

I would prefer your friend's response to the generic 'oh you poor thing ... you must be so worried' type.

ShinyBeans · 30/01/2021 13:38

I think he is upset about something then. Even if you feel you've been as attentive as usual, he feels differently. I would stop texting and try a phone call or a walk if that's possible.

Original poster
Itsmadhere · 30/01/2021 13:44

@bluegreygreen No but common sense does. They know me or at least I thought they did. I'm the kind of person that appears calm and collective on the outside but "freaks out" on the inside. He caught me at a bad moment, I'd literally just hung up from talking to my poorly friend and just before that I'd hung up from my Mum who was upset about my Granny. If I'd messaged him and said "Oh my God I'm completely freaking out! I've told X that she could die from CV and my Granny might die too!" It was controlled freaking out and at the end of the day "freaking out" in a message isn't the same as me hyperventilating down the phone or pulling my hair out Confused

I was just scared, why aren't we allowed to be scared anymore?

OP posts:
ContessaDiPulpo · 30/01/2021 13:44

I think his response also said, effectively "I don't want to provide emotional support to you, fuck off. Also I resent you for needing it".

LittleBearPad · 30/01/2021 14:13

It was controlled freaking out

There’s a tautology

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