Négatives / benefits to being childfree when you are older

[Seaair2]

I’m pretty sure I want to remain childfree - its not that I don’t like children but I just don’t think I want to be a full time parent. The responsibility, the worry, the lack of me time, I’ve just never felt like it’s for me. But people often make me question this, I’m just interested for those of you who are older and childfree - honestly what are thé benefits / negatives of being childfree? I think I decision / way of life is perfect, to choose one think means you can’t have another but just interested to hear peoples thought. So many people say, gosh no children you ll regret that!

@corythatwas

I do have children (adult) so not really the person you were looking for

What I would say, though, is that your relationship/closeness/geographical closeness to adult children is so unpredictable that the only sensible reason to have children is because you think you would like to parent them while they are little. The rest is very far away and may depend on all sorts of factors that may be out of the control of either of you. And your relationship with them would almost certainly depend on whether they felt you have enjoyed being their parent and had found it worthwhile.

I think this is excellent advice. I chose not to have biological children, because I didn't think I would enjoy being a mother to children while they were children. I had a lot of caring responsibilities as a teenager and found them intensely dull.

I did end up with step and foster children (family fostering due to a crisis; fostering was not something we would have sought out otherwise), which confirmed my view. I loved the kids (now adults) and I didn't hate the parenting, but I didn't enjoy most of it either. It's a grind, most of the time, though obviously I tried not to let that show - and I must have done a reasonable job, as they are all still speaking to me

@Belladonna12

This is a very simple point but you’re missing it spectacularly and repeatedly. She asked for the pros and cons of something specific. The good things about it and the bad things about it. She didn’t ask what the good and bad things about it are compared to anything else, just the good and bad things about one particular thing. So, just because Good Thing X applies to more than one situation, it doesn’t mean that Good Thing X is therefore not a good thing about each of those situations individually. (In any event, the freedom of being childfree vs the freedom of having now-adult children are quite different things).

OP probably did expect people to compare and that is what happened. If you talk about freedom or homeschooling, as many posters were it's pretty clear that you are comparing being childfree with having children and very disingenuous to suggest otherwise.

Exactly. The OP has welcomed responses openly from some people like me who have children. This faux outrage that anybody with a child dare to state an opinion when that's the only way to get a balanced discussion is quite silly.

My sister is 43, child-free, happy & no regrets. In fact, she looks down her nose at me and my one child. Superior in her belief that she is not Part Of The Problem (?!: oh, but she is...) and she has loads of disposable money so there's that? She has a cat. But I have more.
Do it, don't do it, whatever suits you. Children are independent humans who may not hang around as you age, anyway. I didn't!

@Belladonna12

This is a very simple point but you’re missing it spectacularly and repeatedly. She asked for the pros and cons of something specific. The good things about it and the bad things about it. She didn’t ask what the good and bad things about it are compared to anything else, just the good and bad things about one particular thing. So, just because Good Thing X applies to more than one situation, it doesn’t mean that Good Thing X is therefore not a good thing about each of those situations individually. (In any event, the freedom of being childfree vs the freedom of having now-adult children are quite different things).

OP probably did expect people to compare and that is what happened. If you talk about freedom or homeschooling, as many posters were it's pretty clear that you are comparing being childfree with having children and very disingenuous to suggest otherwise.

So, OP specifically asked about the good and bad points about being in situation X.

People not in situation X but in situation Y which is in fact the exact opposite of situation X arrive en masse to talk about all the great things about situation Y, a question that wasn’t asked at all.

The situation Y people scratch their heads in faux puzzlement when this is pointed out, try to claim their opinion was directly sought, despite the opening post being explicitly clear, and repeatedly refuse to acknowledge that they have waded into a discussion about situation X despite not having experience of it

When the situation is spelled out to them repeatedly to the degree that they can no longer claim they were asked for their opinion without now looking more than a little stupid, they try to justify their take over of the thread by saying the op probably expected them to reply anyway and accuse the people who are in situation X of being disingenuous by pointing out their intrusion on the thread.

Ok then. That’s ehh, perfectly reasonable behaviour

Imagine it in real life and see if it seems reasonable. A meeting of people in situation X is called. Would the situation Y group attend to talk about situation Y claiming they had valuable insights and that people should have expected them to attend anyway?

I don't think many parents of adult children spend all their time worrying about them so no I don't think it has a big impact on any sense of freedom

But what about this all-consuming love? Surely that takes up mental space and energy? And the accompanying, self-sacrificial, -martyred- worry, the phrase I’ve only ever encountered here that ‘you’ll only ever be as happy as your least happy child’? Surely that occupies your thoughts? And is therefore a difference between someone childfree who doesn’t have a least happy child to be preoccupied about, and is therefore more carefree? Or is this every waking moment all consuming love overblown for the sake of discussion sometimes and actually not that all-consuming in reality?

@sammylady37 what a stranely aggressive post. I doubt all of that is helping the OP much and as I said above, she has specifically commented on how some of the comments like mine (from people who do have children) were thoughtful and helpful. There is really no need to turn a discussion into an argument.

@sammylady37

I don't think many parents of adult children spend all their time worrying about them so no I don't think it has a big impact on any sense of freedom

But what about this all-consuming love? Surely that takes up mental space and energy? And the accompanying, self-sacrificial, -martyred- worry, the phrase I’ve only ever encountered here that ‘you’ll only ever be as happy as your least happy child’? Surely that occupies your thoughts? And is therefore a difference between someone childfree who doesn’t have a least happy child to be preoccupied about, and is therefore more carefree? Or is this every waking moment all consuming love overblown for the sake of discussion sometimes and actually not that all-consuming in reality?

Loving someone in a selfless way doesn't make someone a "martyr" or make them incapable of any other life experiences. What an offensive and silly thing to say.

So now my points are ‘strangely aggressive, silly and offensive’?

But yet you’re defending yet again your choice to post repeatedly on a thread that’s asking about a situation you’re not in.

The mental gymnastics are oddly fascinating.

Loving someone in a selfless way doesn't make someone a "martyr" or make them incapable of any other life experiences. What an offensive and silly thing to say

And if you could point out where I said loving someone selflessly makes people incapable of any other life experiences I’d be very grateful.

I’ll spare you some time. I didn’t say it. At all. And you know that. I merely pointed out that surely this huge all-encompassing love occupies one’s mind to some degree, as does the inevitable worry that comes with it, and yes, that makes one less carefree. It was a point for those trying to say that being older and childfree is the same in terms of freedoms as being a parent of grown up children.

So more mental gymnastics. And silliness.

And wrt to being a martyr, when someone up thread posted about how hard it was to be a parent, how much self-sacrifice was involved, but they do it anyway for the greater good, yes, I find that to be martyrdom!

@sammylady37

So now my points are ‘strangely aggressive, silly and offensive’?

But yet you’re defending yet again your choice to post repeatedly on a thread that’s asking about a situation you’re not in.

The mental gymnastics are oddly fascinating.

This is quite ironic given that you spurned someone else for not reading the thread. The OP responded to my posts and welcomed them as thoughtful. Yours seem rather spiteful and unkind. I am not surprised she hasn't been back for a while. I presume she was hoping for calm, balanced views to give some insight, not the venom you are spouting.

@sammylady37

Loving someone in a selfless way doesn't make someone a "martyr" or make them incapable of any other life experiences. What an offensive and silly thing to say

And if you could point out where I said loving someone selflessly makes people incapable of any other life experiences I’d be very grateful.

I’ll spare you some time. I didn’t say it. At all. And you know that. I merely pointed out that surely this huge all-encompassing love occupies one’s mind to some degree, as does the inevitable worry that comes with it, and yes, that makes one less carefree. It was a point for those trying to say that being older and childfree is the same in terms of freedoms as being a parent of grown up children.

So more mental gymnastics. And silliness.

And wrt to being a martyr, when someone up thread posted about how hard it was to be a parent, how much self-sacrifice was involved, but they do it anyway for the greater good, yes, I find that to be martyrdom!

Jesus. I can't even be bothered to respond to this. Are you twelve? Because that is how your posts come across in terms of emotional maturity.

‘Spiteful, unkind, spouting venom’
And you accuse me of emotional immaturity instead of responding to my points in the post?

Rightio

But as you’ve now resorted to attacking me rather than my points, I won’t be engaging further with you on this thread.

That was a response to your posts. Perhaps you should read them agaim and reflect on the aggressive way that you react to people.

As I said in my earlier post we all choose different paths, walk different roads and have different life experiences and we write our life story from that, the narrative of our life, to make sense of it and derive a meaning from it. And whatever it is, that is fine. It's completely subjective.

There's no need to apply these value judgements to people's choices that do not affect you are if it's some objective thing. It comes across as bitter and mean and sad. It's so unneccessary. There are many ways to find value in life. Your posts seem emotionally stunted and angry.

I didn’t want it my post to cause any arguments! I was indeed just wanting to know what it was like being childfree when you are older, but maybe I was wrong to ask for childfree opinions on mumsnet. I don’t mind that people with children have responded , I think this is part of the sad problem we have surely all women should just support each other whatever their choice, wouldn’t it be lovely to get to the stage where one day all women are happy to hear whatever other choose and the common response is ‘well I chose to have / not have children but I can completely see why you chose that , there’s benefits and negatives to everything isnt there’ instead of people being judgement of both decisions sometimes!

OP: being childfree when you're older is fucking great.

You're welcome

I'm 40 so not that old yet, but I'm childfree by choice. Whilst I used to think that I'd have children, once I gave it some serious thought I realised that I just assumed I'd have them because that's what people did. I didn't actually have any yearning for them. Nor did the idea of having to look after another human for so many years appeal to me.

So I've embraced the childfree life.

My mental health is also fairly fragile. I've dealt with anxiety and depression in the past though now I'm in a good place. But there are certain things I need to remain stable. 8+ hours sleep, lots of me time, my hobbies, a clean and tidy house, peace etc. I think if I had children I would be very unhappy.

My partner is on the same page luckily. We are both in good jobs and hope to retire at 60 and travel the world, if our health allows us. We have pets we adore. Amazing friends (both with children and childfree). I like spending time (but not too much) with my friends' children but very happy to give them back after a while.

I do sometimes wonder what it would be like. And I know that there are certain things I'll miss out on. But to me there are more pros than cons to the childfree life. I fully accept that everyone feels differently and it's a very personal decision. It's the right one for me, but wouldn't be for others.

I’m a bit gobsmacked at those insisting that life with grown up children who have left home is no different to life without children at all. They seem to want it both ways - on the one hand “it’s like having your heart walking around outside your body” “you never stop worrying even when they’re adults” “I would die for my kids” and yet insist they’re as carefree as someone without children.

Well, this thread has moved on!

I've had a read through the thread and a couple of other points come to mind. As I said upthread, I have been looking after my DF for several weeks, pretty much on my own, because DBro can't 'because of the kids' (mid - late teens, not babies and toddlers ). DSis can't either, but that's more a distance thing. But thinking about it, I am also the one who spends Christmas with DF (and DM before she died) - DBro hasn't spent Christmas with DParents since at least 2007 (know this because it's when DParents moved into current house), and actually a few years before that. DSis slightly better - she spent Christmas with DDad in 2019, but can't remember when before that - not even the year DMum died. So, it's left up to me, the childfree one, to do all the heavy lifting with regard to caring.

So, perhaps everyone on this thread who has children should hope at least one of their offspring remains childfree to ensure some meaningful contact is maintained in later life......

And as for those with children being selfless, well, I refer to my point above - or is the selflessness only reserved for their children and everyone else can go fish?

I know it's not a competition, but there certainly is some bolleaux spouted about the wonderfulness, selflessness, all round loviness of motherhood and how it changes people - sure does, but sometimes not for the better.

I was lucky that no-one in real life (certainly not to my face) has ever questioned my child free status (probably wouldn't dare ), but friends have had to face some pretty nasty comments, even from family, about their choice to remain childfree and are looked down on somewhat - it's unnecessary. Each to each.

Pros: spare money, nice things, tidy house, you can do exactly what you want all the time
Cons: there is no love like the unconditional love you have for your child. And the love they give you. I wouldn't want not to have experienced that. Love, joy and family. Far outweighs the other stuff for me.

I have no children, but don’t have a tidy house either. That’s all part of being able to do what I want. I imagine people with kids feel they have to upkeep certain standards? As for nice things, I imagine not all the threads on here about £50 candles, Molton Brown etc are written by the childfree.

Wow this has certainly moved on and descended into the usual attacks on people who decide not to have children.

@CounsellorTroi

I’m a bit gobsmacked at those insisting that life with grown up children who have left home is no different to life without children at all. They seem to want it both ways - on the one hand “it’s like having your heart walking around outside your body” “you never stop worrying even when they’re adults” “I would die for my kids” and yet insist they’re as carefree as someone without children.

Well, mine is only eight, so we’re a fair way off, but as I had him at 40 after being happily childfree my entire adult life, and don’t relate at all to the total transformation/heart outside your body/only as happy as your least happy child stuff, I do anticipate him being off doing his thing on the other side of the world, while I’m having good times with my child-free friends and other friends with adult children who aren’t living next door or requiring regular childcare.

I have no way of knowing how different we will feel from one another then, obviously. But as I don’t feel fundamentally that different to my childfree friends now, I can’t imagine it being that vast in another twenty years.

there is no love like the unconditional love you have for your child.

Yuck. That old chestnut.