Page 30 | Négatives / benefits to being childfree when you are older

Seaair2 · 2021-01-29T13:22:38+00:00

I’m pretty sure I want to remain childfree - its not that I don’t like children but I just don’t think I want to be a full time parent. The responsibility, the worry, the lack of me time, I’ve just never felt like it’s for me. But people often make me question this, I’m just interested for those of you who are older and childfree - honestly what are thé benefits / negatives of being childfree? I think I decision / way of life is perfect, to choose one think means you can’t have another but just interested to hear peoples thought. So many people say, gosh no children you ll regret that!

SweatyBetty20 · 10/02/2021 07:20

Jesus @Treebranch, I’m glad you’re not my friend. Any “friend” who pitied me like you obviously do, wouldn’t be a friend for long.

Treebranch · 10/02/2021 07:57

Sweatybetty20, it's not really pity, I said it wrong. It's more like I not jealous of their lives even though they're richer, more successful and more glamorous with lovely houses! Even though I'm normally a jealous person. It's hard to explain without seeming smug, but it was more like because I wouldn't have understood before I had kids. I hate the suburbs but now I live here etc.

Bythemillpond · 10/02/2021 08:50

I have done the fantastic holidays, being able to go away for weekends out to dinner on a whim and having time for myself and after a bit it got really boring
I too wouldn't want my child free friends lives.

Meowchickameowmeow · 10/02/2021 09:04

It's hard to explain without seeming smug

Oh, honey pie, that ship has sailed.

AllMyPrettyOnes · 10/02/2021 09:05

@Treebranch

Having kids is fun and interesting, as well as annoying and exhausting. I have childfree friends, relatives and I secretly feel sorry for them. Even though they don't feel sorry for themselves! Because there's a whole other side of life and an opportunity for personal growth that they will never experience. To me, and I would never say this, their interests seem limited and a bit self-centered. But I'm sure they secretly judge me too!

God, some people with children on here are so fucking smug.

What makes you any better?

Please don't feel sorry for us. Lol.

AllMyPrettyOnes · 10/02/2021 09:06

@Bythemillpond

I have done the fantastic holidays, being able to go away for weekends out to dinner on a whim and having time for myself and after a bit it got really boring I too wouldn't want my child free friends lives.

And we wouldn't want your lives 😂

AllMyPrettyOnes · 10/02/2021 09:08

@Bythemillpond

I have done the fantastic holidays, being able to go away for weekends out to dinner on a whim and having time for myself and after a bit it got really boring I too wouldn't want my child free friends lives.

Oh, and aren't you the one who compared grieving parents to childfree by choice people?

You're gross and tasteless. Stop commenting.

Wrongsideofhistorymyarse · 10/02/2021 09:09

@Meowchickameowmeow

It's hard to explain without seeming smug

Oh, honey pie, that ship has sailed.

Meowchickameowmeow · 10/02/2021 09:13

I too wouldn't want my child free friends lives

And we wouldn't want yours. You do know there are other considerations than holidays and money that go into choosing not to have children don't you? I didn't give either of those things a thought. I simply didn't want children because I didn't want them. It's the same reason I don't keep snakes.

littleloopylou · 10/02/2021 09:20

I never wanted kids (though I unfortunately have now tied myself to my ex forever by having one for him) and I understand people not wanting them.

But the replies immediately before mine are really butthurt. Why do you care so much if a lady with kids feels sorry for you for not experiencing the joy of children? It makes me question whether you really are happy.

Fwiw I have many reasons to regret having my daughter, but she does bring me joy that I never anticipated. There's no reason to be threatened by this - either choice involved tradeoffs.

AllMyPrettyOnes · 10/02/2021 09:24

@littleloopylou

I never wanted kids (though I unfortunately have now tied myself to my ex forever by having one for him) and I understand people not wanting them.

But the replies immediately before mine are really butthurt. Why do you care so much if a lady with kids feels sorry for you for not experiencing the joy of children? It makes me question whether you really are happy.

Fwiw I have many reasons to regret having my daughter, but she does bring me joy that I never anticipated. There's no reason to be threatened by this - either choice involved tradeoffs.

And why do they care so much, to infiltrate a thread not even meant for them, to express how 'sad' they feel for childfree people?

Read the room. and the title.

AllMyPrettyOnes · 10/02/2021 09:25

And I really am happy.

Nice of you to try to insinuate those without children aren't really happy.

SweatyBetty20 · 10/02/2021 09:31

But the replies immediately before mine are really butthurt. Why do you care so much if a lady with kids feels sorry for you for not experiencing the joy of children? It makes me question whether you really are happy.

Do you know these people who, when you achieve something significant, or buy something you've saved up for and really wanted, just kind of piss on your parade? So they don't like it when you lose weight, and tell you that you don't look great, or if you pass an exam with a merit they ask why it wasn't a distinction? It's a bit like that.

It's not that we care that they feel sorry for us, it's that it's hurtful that they can't accept that we're happy as we are, AND accept us as we are. Because a lot of you don't. It's just another version of keeping up with the Jones's. And if you don't conform to type and have kids, having to sit on the losers table at a wedding, or not being invited to a social event because it's for "families", or being expected to buy Xmas presents for about ten family kids yet nobody gets you even a token chocolate orange - that's shit. I don't like someone chipping away at my happiness just because I haven't made the same life choices as most other people.

But the rest, having the freedom, confidence and finances to really do whatever I want, that's pretty priceless.

Meowchickameowmeow · 10/02/2021 09:33

But the replies immediately before mine are really butthurt. Why do you care so much if a lady with kids feels sorry for you for not experiencing the joy of children? It makes me question whether you really are happy

Because it's nothing to pity. I can't believe people are really that dense.

AllMyPrettyOnes · 10/02/2021 09:35

@Meowchickameowmeow

But the replies immediately before mine are really butthurt. Why do you care so much if a lady with kids feels sorry for you for not experiencing the joy of children? It makes me question whether you really are happy

Because it's nothing to pity. I can't believe people are really that dense.

Apparently they are on this thread 😂

Ottilieeee · 10/02/2021 09:42

Once you have a child in your life, of course the alternative (i.e. not having the child) is unbearable and feels unthinkable. You can't imagine life without them. But if you've never had a child and don't want one, you've got nothing to miss.

I really think so many people have difficulty comprehending that others think differently to them, have different aspirations and find fulfilment through different things.

It's similar to someone who has a dog saying that they feel sorry for people who have never owned a dog. They love their dog, get a lot of fulfilment from their dog, have 'grown' through having their dog. It doesn't mean everyone will feel like that.

Another example - someone who is an avid surfer could say that they feel sorry for people who have never surfed, because they haven't experienced the thrill of it. It's projecting your own lived experience on someone else.

Campalumpa · 10/02/2021 09:51

Only this.

I waited until I was 41 to have a child. Before that my life was really ,really good - holidays, freedom, weekends away, able to cope with hangovers etc., But it got a bit same-y. When he came along, for the first 5 months I thought what have i done? . Then the love hit me like a speeding train and has never left.

My DS is truly the best thing I have ever done. The only thing I worry about is knowing that I will have to go through the the loss I will feel when he decides to move out but thankfully that is a while off.

littleloopylou · 10/02/2021 09:52

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Fagey · 10/02/2021 09:54

My aunt and uncle are childless. Now in their 50s.

Have an amazing life.

And thoroughly enjoyed spoiling their nieces and nephews and now my DC.

I personally HAD to have kids. It wasn't a choice my hormones/body gave me. But if I hadn't had that then I wouldn't have felt guilty being child free.

I'd sure be less broke and more laid back!

littleloopylou · 10/02/2021 09:55

@SweatyBetty20

Ok, that's great for you. This lady is just explaining what you might be missing out on. Your choices have tradeoffs, just the same as the choice to have children comes with massive downsides (and trust me, they are huge). I find the responses to her oddly defensive is all.

CounsellorTroi · 10/02/2021 09:58

There was a thread the other day titled something like If you could live your life again knowing what you know now would you still have children. I could have gone on that thread saying I was relieved not to have had any and how much better my life was but I didn’t. I could see it wasn’t meant for me. It’s a pity that people with children don’t afford us the same courtesy.

AllMyPrettyOnes · 10/02/2021 09:58

[quote littleloopylou]@SweatyBetty20

Ok, that's great for you. This lady is just explaining what you might be missing out on. Your choices have tradeoffs, just the same as the choice to have children comes with massive downsides (and trust me, they are huge). I find the responses to her oddly defensive is all.[/quote]
How do you expect people not to be defensive when their choices are criticised so much?

Downtheplath · 10/02/2021 10:00

@littleloopylou

And why do they care so much, to infiltrate a thread not even meant for them, to express how 'sad' they feel for childfree people?

Read the room. and the title.

The title literally asks for negatives of not having children. A negative aspect is missing out on the joy of motherhood. I honestly think that it is an objective fact that most people experience a special joy with motherhood.

If this is meant to be a circle jerk about how amazing it is not to have kids, that's an odd thread title.

"Yes I think I was hoping to hear more from childfree women in their 50s/60s to hear if they felt they’d made the right choices rather than hearing from women with children saying basically there is no choice but to have children!"

OP's own words ^^

reprehensibleme · 10/02/2021 10:02

It comes back to many people (mostly women) thinking that other women who actively choose not to have children don't know what they're missing out on and are weird in some way.

Some of us may have made our decision after watching friends and family struggling after having children.

Some of us, like me, have known from a very early age we have zero interest in having children.

Others may have a strong feeling that this planet of ours is no place to bring a child into.

There are all kinds of reasons. You can bet your bottom dollar we've all thought long and hard about our decision, usually given it far more thought than people who have children because it's just what you do.

What we probably don't need is mothers telling us we don't know real love, we're selfish for putting our material wants above having a child (ha fucking ha), we're defensive about our choices (maybe this comes from being judged up the wahzoo by smug earth mothers), we won't have familial relationships when we get older etc etc etc.

Just stop it. Why does it matter so much to you if some women choose not to have children. Does it make you question your own choices? As said upthread there are certainly many women who should not have had children but did - do you judge them?

AllMyPrettyOnes · 10/02/2021 10:07

@reprehensibleme

It comes back to many people (mostly women) thinking that other women who actively choose not to have children don't know what they're missing out on and are weird in some way.

Some of us may have made our decision after watching friends and family struggling after having children.

Some of us, like me, have known from a very early age we have zero interest in having children.

Others may have a strong feeling that this planet of ours is no place to bring a child into.

There are all kinds of reasons. You can bet your bottom dollar we've all thought long and hard about our decision, usually given it far more thought than people who have children because it's just what you do.

What we probably don't need is mothers telling us we don't know real love, we're selfish for putting our material wants above having a child (ha fucking ha), we're defensive about our choices (maybe this comes from being judged up the wahzoo by smug earth mothers), we won't have familial relationships when we get older etc etc etc.

Just stop it. Why does it matter so much to you if some women choose not to have children. Does it make you question your own choices? As said upthread there are certainly many women who should not have had children but did - do you judge them?

Spot on