Négatives / benefits to being childfree when you are older

[Seaair2]

I’m pretty sure I want to remain childfree - its not that I don’t like children but I just don’t think I want to be a full time parent. The responsibility, the worry, the lack of me time, I’ve just never felt like it’s for me. But people often make me question this, I’m just interested for those of you who are older and childfree - honestly what are thé benefits / negatives of being childfree? I think I decision / way of life is perfect, to choose one think means you can’t have another but just interested to hear peoples thought. So many people say, gosh no children you ll regret that!

and don’t relate at all to the total transformation/heart outside your body/only as happy as your least happy child stuff,

Probably because you have never been tested. DD went through a terrible time at 14 with being bullied and isolated at school. She became depressed and anxious, started self harming and lost so much weight she was borderline anorexic. Believe me I was so worried about her that I was as unhappy as she was.

@CounsellorTroi

I’m a bit gobsmacked at those insisting that life with grown up children who have left home is no different to life without children at all. They seem to want it both ways - on the one hand “it’s like having your heart walking around outside your body” “you never stop worrying even when they’re adults” “I would die for my kids” and yet insist they’re as carefree as someone without children.

Yes this. I inherited children after their mum died. While I love them to absolute bits and wouldn't be without them, there are definitely moments when I feel resentment at how my life turned out - because I didn't want children. I had (have) no interest in young children and find their company dull and tedious. I hated the idea of pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding so decided, for the best, to opt out of society's expectations.

Now we have the teens my life is different and it's not the childfree existence I wanted and planned for. When they grow up they will still have ties to us (I hope) so it won't be the same as a childfree persons older age and don't get why parents think there are similarities.

Many parents only know what it's like to be without their children up to the age of about 30? 40? They don't know what it is like to nit have children as you go into your 50's and 60's. Only childfree people know that. Why is that a problem? Childfree people don't know what it's like to have children in their 50's and 60's - guess what? We are all different with different life experiences.

I have 3, had them young. And honestly? If I redid my life and knew what I know now I wouldn't have any. The worry you go through as a parent, the pain when they are in pain. It's so hard. So so hard. Some people are mentally stronger then others and cope with it a lot better than others. I am not one of those people lol.

Im a mother of four. I don't understand why people need to tell those that choose to remain childless what a big mistake they are making. Everyone is different and we all take different paths in life.

Pros of remaining childless

Money and time, things you definitely struggle with when you have kids

Travel, you can go where you want when you want.

Lifestyle, you taylor your life to yourself and no one else.

Cons of remaining childless

As you get older you will not have that definate family support should you need it.

You may regret it when its to late, but then again you may not.

So, OP specifically asked about the good and bad points about being in situation X.

People not in situation X but in situation Y which is in fact the exact opposite of situation X arrive en masse to talk about all the great things about situation Y, a question that wasn’t asked at all.

The advantages of being in situation X arguably depend on the advantages and disadvantages of being in situation Y and it's pretty disingenuous to suggest otherwise. If the two were totally unrelated then there wouldn't be people in situation X talking about freedom and lack of home schooling.

The situation Y people scratch their heads in faux puzzlement when this is pointed out, try to claim their opinion was directly sought, despite the opening post being explicitly clear, and repeatedly refuse to acknowledge that they have waded into a discussion about situation X despite not having experience of it

When the situation is spelled out to them repeatedly to the degree that they can no longer claim they were asked for their opinion without now looking more than a little stupid, they try to justify their take over of the thread by saying the op probably expected them to reply anyway and accuse the people who are in situation X of being disingenuous by pointing out their intrusion on the thread. Ok then. That’s ehh, perfectly reasonable behaviour

I didn't claim that my opinion was sought. I suggested that the opinion of older people with children should be sought to as inevitably there will be comparisons and that's certainly not just from those with children.
As for "intruding" on the thread, I note that you haven't actually answered the OP's question either. All you have done is berate people with children for intruding. Is this because you are an intruder yourself . If you think only older people without children should be on a this thread perhaps you should get off yourself if you are not in that category.

there is no love like the unconditional love you have for your child

Jesus fucking christ.

How to explain to the terminally dim that not everyone wants to turn themselves inside out in the service of yet another deeply tedious, surplus human animal?

As you get older you will not have that definate family support should you need it.

The support is maybe, not definite, as has been stated many times on this thread.

Belladonna - see my post upthread - that support is not a given by any means. Also, see the myriad of threads on other boards where people are contemplating going no contact with parents, hate spending time with their parents. Go on gransnet where people never see their children/grandchildren. TBH I think situations like that must be absolutely heartbreaking for parents.

there is no love like the unconditional love you have for your child

That is just biology though isn’t it?

@Seaair2

I didn’t want it my post to cause any arguments! I was indeed just wanting to know what it was like being childfree when you are older, but maybe I was wrong to ask for childfree opinions on mumsnet. I don’t mind that people with children have responded , I think this is part of the sad problem we have surely all women should just support each other whatever their choice, wouldn’t it be lovely to get to the stage where one day all women are happy to hear whatever other choose and the common response is ‘well I chose to have / not have children but I can completely see why you chose that , there’s benefits and negatives to everything isnt there’ instead of people being judgement of both decisions sometimes!

I agree. I'm glad you don't mind that people with children have responded as a bit fed up with the aggressive attitude of some posters on this thread. For what it's worth (if you don't mind someone with children responding), I think a big advantage of being childfree is that it makes it easier to have a good career and that will have an impact financially when you are older.

@reprehensibleme

Belladonna - see my post upthread - that support is not a given by any means. Also, see the myriad of threads on other boards where people are contemplating going no contact with parents, hate spending time with their parents. Go on gransnet where people never see their children/grandchildren. TBH I think situations like that must be absolutely heartbreaking for parents.

Why are you talking to me about support? I haven't said anything about support.

@Ginfordinner

and don’t relate at all to the total transformation/heart outside your body/only as happy as your least happy child stuff,

Probably because you have never been tested. DD went through a terrible time at 14 with being bullied and isolated at school. She became depressed and anxious, started self harming and lost so much weight she was borderline anorexic. Believe me I was so worried about her that I was as unhappy as she was.

I assure you I have ‘been tested’ to the extent that the parent of a healthy, neurotypical, able-bodied eight year old in a first world situation might be. Obviously I don’t have a crystal ball to see the future, but as the child of a worrier and catastrophiser, to whom I could never tell anything because it just meant there were two frightened and unhappy people rather than one, my job as a parent is to sort things where necessary, not to replicate my child’s suffering.

@sammylady37

I don't think many parents of adult children spend all their time worrying about them so no I don't think it has a big impact on any sense of freedom

But what about this all-consuming love? Surely that takes up mental space and energy? And the accompanying, self-sacrificial, -martyred- worry, the phrase I’ve only ever encountered here that ‘you’ll only ever be as happy as your least happy child’? Surely that occupies your thoughts? And is therefore a difference between someone childfree who doesn’t have a least happy child to be preoccupied about, and is therefore more carefree? Or is this every waking moment all consuming love overblown for the sake of discussion sometimes and actually not that all-consuming in reality?

Why do you have to be so nasty and sarcastic in your posts?

Belladonna it was post above, wewillmeetagain. Grovelling apologies.

I’m a bit gobsmacked at those insisting that life with grown up children who have left home is no different to life without children at all. They seem to want it both ways - on the one hand “it’s like having your heart walking around outside your body” “you never stop worrying even when they’re adults” “I would die for my kids” and yet insist they’re as carefree as someone without children.

I don't spend all my time with my heart walking outside my body and I don't know anybody who would say that. It's quite ironic that you keep telling people with children that they wouldn't know anything about what life is like if childfree but at the same time you are happy to tell people with children what life is like for them.

For those posting on this thread who have children, is your thinking that by posting you will persuade the OP that she should have children? Otherwise, why are you doing it? Genuine question. Really.

@Belladonna12

I’m a bit gobsmacked at those insisting that life with grown up children who have left home is no different to life without children at all. They seem to want it both ways - on the one hand “it’s like having your heart walking around outside your body” “you never stop worrying even when they’re adults” “I would die for my kids” and yet insist they’re as carefree as someone without children.

I don't spend all my time with my heart walking outside my body and I don't know anybody who would say that. It's quite ironic that you keep telling people with children that they wouldn't know anything about what life is like if childfree but at the same time you are happy to tell people with children what life is like for them.

I’m quoting things that parents have said on here. So it’s not me that’s telling parents what their lives are like.

I’m quoting things that parents have said on here. So it’s not me that’s telling parents what their lives are like.

The posters were stating what their lives were like. They weren't telling other parents what their lives were like. You are the one doing that while at the same time berating parents for having an opinion on being childfree.

The posters were stating what their lives were like.

Yes I know they were. How is me quoting them telling them what their lives are like? You’ve genuinely lost me?

@CounsellorTroi

The posters were stating what their lives were like.

Yes I know they were. How is me quoting them telling them what their lives are like? You’ve genuinely lost me?

You didn't just quote some posters though. You used their posts to tell other people with children what their life is like in terms of freedom etc. and accused those with children who told you otherwise that they were trying to have it both ways.

You didn't just quote some posters though. You used their posts to tell other people with children what their life is like in terms of freedom etc. and accused those with children who told you otherwise that they were trying to have it both ways.

God, you're boring.

@AllMyPrettyOnes

You didn't just quote some posters though. You used their posts to tell other people with children what their life is like in terms of freedom etc. and accused those with children who told you otherwise that they were trying to have it both ways.

God, you're boring.

Whereas you are very interesting, of course.

I have 4 children. The bond is life long. I just think not having that in a biological sense would have been hard for me. Am also hoping they do help me out a but in old age!

Thank you everyone for your replies, it’s nice to hear a range of view points. I guess no one knows for sure what the future holds whatever decisions they make.

There seems to be a trend on here. Parents can list both pros and cons easily. Yet a good few that are not parents can list no negatives to having no kids. Of course there are negatives to not having children and quite a few. Once you are happy in your life and choices then just do you but be under no illusion positive and negatives in both camps.