Négatives / benefits to being childfree when you are older

[Seaair2]

I’m pretty sure I want to remain childfree - its not that I don’t like children but I just don’t think I want to be a full time parent. The responsibility, the worry, the lack of me time, I’ve just never felt like it’s for me. But people often make me question this, I’m just interested for those of you who are older and childfree - honestly what are thé benefits / negatives of being childfree? I think I decision / way of life is perfect, to choose one think means you can’t have another but just interested to hear peoples thought. So many people say, gosh no children you ll regret that!

@miaows

There seems to be a trend on here. Parents can list both pros and cons easily. Yet a good few that are not parents can list no negatives to having no kids. Of course there are negatives to not having children and quite a few. Once you are happy in your life and choices then just do you but be under no illusion positive and negatives in both camps.

There's no negative to a person who chooses to remain childfree by choice, much less quite a few. That's no illusion. Having children comes with no guarantees it'll all be hunky dory.

I'm in my 50s and have three children. I have about a dozen friends, close ones, who are childfree by choice, some I've known for 40 years. Not a single one has a regret about this. Not one.

I do t think there are any cons apart from one- the feelings that only your own child brings- love like you’ve never known before, it’s completely different and you can’t describe it and sometimes you can be so proud of something they have done you feel your heart literally bursting, in a good way.

But if you don’t know those feelings you don’t have them to miss out on I guess.

Surly no one has children so they can look after them in their old age!

Surely no one has children so they can look after them in their old age!

Some posters seem to. Guilt tripping your offspring to look after you in old age is just not fair. I had DD at 41, so she will still be fairly young when I will be old. I am not prepared to ruin her life.

our dd 35 has told us many times she doesnt want children,if you ask her why her reply is always the same,, "why should something so perfect be subjected to this horrible place".
we dont have any issues with this at all,its her life,her decision,we've had our innings.

I can see that there is a small section of older people who would be devastated to be child free when they are older.
Those that have had an only child and lost them and been too old to have another.
And those that never come to terms with not being able to have children.

All the freedom and holidays don’t mean anything once you take away the children. Even if they are at that stage in life where the children wouldn’t be living at home or going on holiday with the parents anyway

I wasn't able to have children myself. That's something I've come to terms with and enjoy my life (well as much as I can during a pandemic).

I love this article:
www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/feb/09/i-am-so-sick-of-being-asked-if-i-regret-not-having-children

@Whitecup4

I do t think there are any cons apart from one- the feelings that only your own child brings- love like you’ve never known before, it’s completely different and you can’t describe it and sometimes you can be so proud of something they have done you feel your heart literally bursting, in a good way.

But if you don’t know those feelings you don’t have them to miss out on I guess.

Surly no one has children so they can look after them in their old age!

Just going by what you see on here, loads do, or to have grandchildren.

@miaows

There seems to be a trend on here. Parents can list both pros and cons easily. Yet a good few that are not parents can list no negatives to having no kids. Of course there are negatives to not having children and quite a few. Once you are happy in your life and choices then just do you but be under no illusion positive and negatives in both camps.

You're insinuating that there are 'quite a few' cons to having no children though. Most of us don't feel that there are.

Lovely article read wrongside, thank you .

@miaows

There seems to be a trend on here. Parents can list both pros and cons easily. Yet a good few that are not parents can list no negatives to having no kids. Of course there are negatives to not having children and quite a few. Once you are happy in your life and choices then just do you but be under no illusion positive and negatives in both camps.

That's because to childfree people there are no negatives to not having children. if they thought there was, then surely they would have had them?

@miaows

There seems to be a trend on here. Parents can list both pros and cons easily. Yet a good few that are not parents can list no negatives to having no kids. Of course there are negatives to not having children and quite a few. Once you are happy in your life and choices then just do you but be under no illusion positive and negatives in both camps.

@miaows

Why would there be negatives to not having kids if you didn’t want them? Clearly having kids is also a lot of work/money/worry/sometimes heartache etc, so even those who love it will often perceive downsides. But I cannot see a regular downside to choosing not to have them?

That's because to childfree people there are no negatives to not having children. if they thought there was, then surely they would have had them

Brigs me back to the question of what if someone was child free because they had lost their only child? Would they still be listing how great it was that they could go on holiday at any time or now had ore time o themselves

@Bythemillpond

That's because to childfree people there are no negatives to not having children. if they thought there was, then surely they would have had them

Brigs me back to the question of what if someone was child free because they had lost their only child? Would they still be listing how great it was that they could go on holiday at any time or now had ore time o themselves

A grieving parent isn't 'childfree'. They're a parent who's lost a child.

I have children, but have female friends who have chosen not to. I know they all get sick of people either pitying them (assuming they can't have children) or telling them how much they'll regret it. All of them have great partners and have been able to enjoy travel etc with them in a way that we haven't found practical with children (stuck to school holidays, limited budget, ease of travel with small children etc). One couple have quite a nomadic life- living and working in different areas/countries every couple of years. This would be possible with children I suppose but much harder having to sort out schools etc as well as worrying whether the children are happy. On the negative side- I know that one of my older child free friends felt very alone in her grief when her husband died. If she had children they could probably have helped her with this better than friends can.

@toomanydoghairs

I have children, but have female friends who have chosen not to. I know they all get sick of people either pitying them (assuming they can't have children) or telling them how much they'll regret it. All of them have great partners and have been able to enjoy travel etc with them in a way that we haven't found practical with children (stuck to school holidays, limited budget, ease of travel with small children etc). One couple have quite a nomadic life- living and working in different areas/countries every couple of years. This would be possible with children I suppose but much harder having to sort out schools etc as well as worrying whether the children are happy. On the negative side- I know that one of my older child free friends felt very alone in her grief when her husband died. If she had children they could probably have helped her with this better than friends can.

Not necessarily. It's not uncommon for children to leave far away from their parents nowadays. When my mother was widowed, her network of friends helped a lot more than we did.

@Bythemillpond

That's because to childfree people there are no negatives to not having children. if they thought there was, then surely they would have had them

Brigs me back to the question of what if someone was child free because they had lost their only child? Would they still be listing how great it was that they could go on holiday at any time or now had ore time o themselves

That is completely different.

Bythemillpond, the person who lost their child is childless, not child free - there is a huge difference. I am childfree because I didn't want or feel the need to have children - I am happy with my decision. Someone who is childless may have wanted children with every atom of their being but it didn't happen for them, or as in your example have had a beloved child they have lost. This is a totally different scenario, and not at all what this thread was about.

I think it's a bit crass to describe someone who lost a child as childfree.

The only con is that you may not have anyone around to support you in old age, but there's no guarantee of that if you have kids, either.

The only other thing I would say is that I have discovered things by having a son who was interested in those things. But had I not had a child I would have probably pursued other interests.

I don't think there's a downside to not having kids.

@SecretSpAD

I think it's a bit crass to describe someone who lost a child as childfree.

Agreed. Poor taste.

@SecretSpAD

I think it's a bit crass to describe someone who lost a child as childfree.

Extremely! I've got good friends who are just so. They're bereaved parents. How utterly awful to describe them as childfree.

Brigs me back to the question of what if someone was child free because they had lost their only child? Would they still be listing how great it was that they could go on holiday at any time or now had ore time o themselves

You can't possibly think that choosing to not have children and having a child die is the same thing? Can you?

That's because to childfree people there are no negatives to not having children. if they thought there was, then surely they would have had them?

This is the kind of comment I've found a bit silly on this thread. Sure there may be some people who despise spending time with kids and hate the whole idea of family or whatever but I think they would be a tiny minority!

Most people I know who've decided to remain child free by choice weighed it up carefully after considering all of the positives and negatives. It wasn't an easy decision for any of them, even those who'd always felt somehow it wasn't what they wanted had moments of doubt.

Likewise any parent (including those who've posted here) will tell you that parenting is hard work and there are cons as well as pros. To try to pretend that nothing is lost by the choices not made, is just not reality. We all make choices and open up some experiences and close off others. People don't only make a choice if they decide there are "no negatives" that come with it. And if they believe that, they are most likely wrong.

Having kids is fun and interesting, as well as annoying and exhausting. I have childfree friends, relatives and I secretly feel sorry for them. Even though they don't feel sorry for themselves! Because there's a whole other side of life and an opportunity for personal growth that they will never experience. To me, and I would never say this, their interests seem limited and a bit self-centered. But I'm sure they secretly judge me too!