If you’re not in work, how much money do you get for spends from your partner?

[ShutUpAlex]

If they’ve already covered all the bills etc, how much would you expect to get for personal, walking around money into your own account?

Of COURSE it matters that you are bipolar if a feature is spending loads of money all at once on shite.

What the rest of MN does isn't relevant.

Save your receipts for a month, go through them with your partner, and decide which purchases were essential.

Then use that as your baseline, and work from there.

DH and I are exactly like @unmarkedbythat said.

Until recently we've been saving hard to move house. We both desperately wanted to move so neither of us generally spent more than what we needed to.

Now we've moved and plan to be in this house forever, we're a bit less frugal because our finances seem to be ok, but equally we both know we've got a mortgage to pay now (mortgage free in old house) and we still need to be mindful.

It took a bit of time to reach this point after I became a SAHM and all money came from his job, but we've never really set limits or had allowances. We just sort of get it and respect each other. Occasionally one of us might do something the other doesn't agree with, but it's rare and can usually be resolved. It doesn't happen often enough to be a problem because this would never happen with a big ticket item.

Why have you assumed I’m the one at home?
I’ve left it purposely vague because I’ve seen how sex can skew mumsnet opinion. But I think I’ve gotten great feedback thanks everyone!

@unmarkedbythat

From the other side, atm I work and DH is at home. We have never had a concept of personal spends. Our money is one pot whoever brings it in. After the bills are paid any money left over is there to be spent by whoever needs/ wants something, we know how much it is fair for either of us to spend without discussing and we know what sort of amount is a "check with the other person this is ok" sort of figure. I don't think it's helpful to discuss actual figures because all our financial situations are so different- I know people who could drop £300 on an item and consider that small scale spending in the same way I would think of spending a fiver, and people for who spending a fiver on a non essential would mean weeks of careful budgeting to free it up.

Same

No I’m not confusing anything. The 500 left over is literally just ours to spend on whatever. Everything is covered in the 1300. That includes food and we don’t pay for childcare.

@ShutUpAlex, I very specifically didn’t refer to the sex of the SAHP.

@GinaJaffacake I wasn’t replying to you.

@ShutUpAlex

Why have you assumed I’m the one at home? I’ve left it purposely vague because I’ve seen how sex can skew mumsnet opinion. But I think I’ve gotten great feedback thanks everyone!

You haven't been as vague as you think you have.

We know you can't control your impulses with it comes to spending and you "spunk" all your money and can't make it last for a period of time and then an 'anonymous' person in your story thinks the amount they currently have for spending money isn't enough and they should have more than a 50:50 split... doesn't take a genius OP.

50:50 is fair. Why would you need more because you are at home?

@luxxlisbon you’re clearly not a genius then because I’m the one who is in work.

Well, if you aren't the SAHP and the SAHP was running out of the £500 before the end of the month, they would tell you right?

@CookPassBabtridge

Money is always joint, as it should be. I don't work but do everything for the house, kids etc. It's team work.

This. I have access to all finances and can swap and change money between accounts. I sort all bills, all house stuff and kids stuff. (Dh doesn't do internet banking so doesn't have access to my account.)

Our situation was that I'm the one in work, dh at home with the children.

Realistically, our disposable income was very little, but the way it got split (notionally, we share an account so the money is available for both to take as needed) was that I got virtually nothing since after travel, I could be at work all day and not need to spend any money on myself, and dh took money for when he was out and about since it's harder to spend nothing when you're at home all day (other than literally stay at home all day which isn't healthy).

We based it on need rather than some concept of fairness (would argue that doing it by need was fairer than me building up a stash just because I had a job that occupied me), however I would have expected dh to only do free things and cut his expenses if the cash flow mandated it.

So, lets say our monthly disposible discretionary income was £200, I would have spent about £20 of that and dh would have spent the rest.

And yet

"Working partner isn’t really spending much money at all and invisibly doesn’t mind transferring more money over but stay at home partner would never ask."

"I don’t know, I’m terrible with money so don’t trust my own judgement when it comes to how long money is supposed to last because I do have a tendency to spunk it away!"

So you can't control your spending, spunk away money and need to have separate accounts so you don't bankrupt the family but at the same time you also don't spend any money and always have money to transfer to the SAHP.

No he doesn’t like asking for help which worries me. He hasn’t said anything to me, but I’ve usually spent my 500 fairly quickly and worry about him being stuck with the kids all day and not being able to do anything because he has no money. He is much more sensible than me so I’m sure he is fine.

£500 is a huge amount once all bills are covered...

I don't have kids...but after bills I spent £50 in January. There's a lockdown and nothing to do so should be factored into this discussion...

By that I meant that I don’t have any work related costs that eat in to the 500.

@ShutUpAlex

If you are the one at work why not just ask your partner if they have enough for spending at home, and do what I suggested and actually have a talk with your partner about what he or she thinks is fair. Everyone has said 50:50 is reasonable if all essentials are covered.

If it definitely is just spending money and in no way essential, then it's fine.

If you are worried you will spend it on crap, or that you don't end up spending enough of yours on reasonable treats, give your partner more of it or put some of yours into the savings account.

The same as the working partner gets.

All money goes in a joint bank account, anything left over at the end of the month goes into savings for a rainy day and things like paying for insurances, car servicing, mot, house maintenance etc. We rarely treat ourselves to anything, only essentials.

Yeah it’s literally just fun money. Takeaway, ice creams with the kids, days out, bottle of wine etc.

Me and dh have both been sahp at different points. Our systems stays the same. We sat down and worked put a budget for all outgoings (inc savings). We have separate accounts for wages (if any) or benefits like child allowance etc. We both pay in all of our money except the agreed amount for spending into joint bill account then from that account everything is paid (by dd or so) inc savings (when we had the money) - split into joint savings for household stuff and some into each of own savings. We also had second account for food so we didnt dip into bill money

Day trips and treats for the kids (not that they can happen now) should not be coming out of the SAHP's 'personal' spending money.

I'd expect equal day to day spending money for both of you. So whatever he spends

@luxxlisbon why? I use my personal spending money for days out with the kids etc?