If you’re not in work, how much money do you get for spends from your partner?

[ShutUpAlex]

If they’ve already covered all the bills etc, how much would you expect to get for personal, walking around money into your own account?

Not in work and live alone, no partner.

It sounds you're the one that works and is also the one with bipolar disorder, which leads you to overspend?

DH is the SAHP and is does not overspend?

So can DH just spend as he sees fit as he's unlikely to spend the electricity money on shoes and you just keep a card for a separate account with no overdraft so you can't overspend?

The thing is every SAHP I know complains that they don't get enough access to "the family money". I work with lots of people who are the WOHP and they feel they get nothing left either. I think the reality is often on one salary after all the bills, food and things relating to children and car repairs and home improvements and what have you, there often simply isnt much fun money left at all and certainly not enough for both parties to always spend what they like

Exactly. The main problem arises when one party's spending on wants is higher than what is available - trying to restrict adult spending on non essentials so there is money available for essentials is necessary and it's not always tight/controlling/financially abusive, unless it goes too far and one party is not allowed to spend an affordable amount on themselves even when there is money available.

If it wasn’t like that I’d have stayed working, we wouldn’t have had any more money because nursery fees were £90 per child per day x 2 and I’m not a massive high earner - I was contributing just as much to family finances by not working.

The same amount as DH kept for personal spending money in his own account. More than just "walking around" money because personal spending like our own clothes come from our own accounts not from the joint account. But either way when I wasn't working we had the same access to money.

Doesn't work like this for us. I manage our household budget using all of the income we have (which at the moment is just DH's) we don't really have "personal spending money" but we/I just decide what's reasonable to spend on certain things and allocate the funds.

I did have a "coffee fund" but it has been repurposed! Nowhere is open!

Honestly OP you are fine. Just make sure you are aware of the kid related costs and that he isnt bearing the brunt of them because he's with them all week so notices the shoes don't fit etc.

If it wasn’t like that I’d have stayed working, we wouldn’t have had any more money because nursery fees were £90 per child per day x 2 and I’m not a massive high earner - I was contributing just as much to family finances by not working.

That's true in many cases for the early years. I notice the resentment kicking in among wohp colleagues when 30 hours or school kick in and childcare cost drops a lot, but the SAHP does not return to work.

We just have a joint account, I’m not letting my husband give me pocket money.
It’s OUR money (I’m a stay at home parent at the moment and this is the choice me and DH made together as it makes the most sense financially for us) we both have equal access to it!

All of it! I am really lucky that I have a husband who doesnt ever want anything,well he does but not often.so he pays the bills and leaves his card in my purse and never questions what I spend or where it goes. We don;t have his n her money we have family money and its there for all of us to use whenever we need to. I appreciate this wouldnt work for everyone but it works well for us,no one abuses the fact its there but if we do need anything its nice to know we can just get it,Only conversations we ever really have about money is say if we are needing to make a big purchase like a fridge freezer or washing machine then we just mention it and work out if the cash is there right then or we need to put it on the cc to clear next month.

We've always worked it so that whether there's one of us working or two, once the bills and savings are covered we split the remainder equally.

I asked him about having kids stuff in the joint account and he said it literally makes no difference to him as it’s all coming to him from my wage anyway so just leave it as it is. At least he’s happy! That’s my only concern.

[quote ShutUpAlex]@luxxlisbon why? I use my personal spending money for days out with the kids etc?[/quote]
Because, as you've pointed out yourself, he spends more time with the children. Otherwise why not argue, that he should pay to have the heating on when you're out the house and he's the only one there?

Child related expenses should come out of the joint pot (for both of you). You might want to have a discussion about a sensible level for these e.g. it's probably unreasonable to expect to have an expensive day out every day, but the odd icecream is probably fine.

Tot up all your joint expenses including joint savings and anything you spend on the house/children and then divide the rest by 2.

Honestly, as I said upthread, I really can’t understand why anyone would give up work and agree to be a SAHP unless all monies are pooled in a joint account. No way would I ever have agreed to that. It would have meant a big shift change in the dynamics of our marriage if we’d suddenly moved to a situation where he had to transfer spends to me. No way, never!
We both knew we were saving a huge amount by me staying home with two very small children so it’s not as if there was no contribution from me in the financial sense. But then he’d also come home and help with bath and bed and general tidying up.

Any other suggestion and I’d have stayed working f/t and we’d have paid a fortune in nursery care. I just don’t understand how any other way doesn’t affect the SAHP’s self esteem or the overall dynamic of your marriage.

I’m good with money so it’s all shared. A lot of savings are in my name for tax purposes. When I worked all my salary was shared too. No spending allowance either.

I would love to have 500 surplus each month to spend on whatever I like.
Sometimes I’m lucky to see £100 left after all bills

We are very lucky we appreciate that.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

If you are going to go into that level of detail why should your husband have to pay for anything for you since he is working and you aren't?

He shouldn't unless he wanted and agreed I should stop work. We would have been much better off financially if I had returned to work three or four months earlier. Why should one party be require to pay theur partners share of everything if they would rather their partner returned to work (assuming they have a job to go to) and their partner is choosing not to and making the family worse off?

The question isn't whether being a SAHP is a valid path so this is irrelevant. Your opinions on whether being at home with the kids is valuable or not compared to earning an income isn't the point of the post.

We aren’t married, but I was a sahm for about 3 years. My partner was on about 38 grand per year. He would pay all the bills, then he’s put money in my account every week to spend on clothes and stuff for myself. He was very in charge of the money. But now I’m working part time 20 hours min wage. He still pays the bills. I buy food, then the rest is mine.

I am a SAHM. I have access to all of the money. It's in a joint account, the bills come out and we each buy what we want/need from there. I have my own savings and pensions from before I stopped working (as does he, and we still pay into mine) but that's not day to day.

I couldn't do it if I was given 'an allowance'! He's not my Dad!!

If I wanted something expensive or out of the ordinary I would discuss it first but if he did then I would expect him to discuss it with me too (and he would!).

I’m not working. We have a joint account and I transfer £600 per month from there into my own account. My carers allowance of about £300 per month also goes into my own own account so I have £900 for myself. I don’t use it to pay any bills, it’s for clothes, seeing friends (pre COVID), transport, hair appointments etc. I never spend it all.

You should have a joint account & he should not 'give' you an allowance. That's an unhealthy Daddy/daughter dynamic where he's in charge & you , the 'child' need his permission for things. It's not equal partnership: & it will creep into every area of your life . You should decide together what's do- able re money left over after mortgage/bills. If he's not happy with that, consider whether you want to be treated like a child for evermore & if you want that to be the relationship model your children see as a ' norm' : which they'll then repeat, as adults.

@CSIblonde maybe read the thread before making those sort of accusations!

I decided I'd had enough of work a few years ago and "retired".

Most of the income is in DPs name but I have unlimited and unquestioned access to our joint account into which his income is paid.

I stay at home with the kids. Partner works. Just whilst the kids are under primary age. Then ill be back in the work force (and so excited about it btw).

I dont expect anything from my OH. If I need something for the kids, ill ask him and he'll transfer it... because its his money.

I have a small online job where I get a bit of pocket money. Minimum £30/£40 a month, no limit to the max. Which is enough to cover my monthly costs.
Before that OH used to give me £100 a month.

I was in debt a few years ago and it taught me to be the most frugal in my life. You'd be surprised what you can do without any money.

Then when I had a job after the debt, I used to keep a log of everything I spent. Kept the receipts and then at the end of month check my logs against the receipts. It was a way of me keeping control and a constamt awareness of my money.

I don't do that now but I can now keep control of my finances without it.

When we get married in a couple of years, we'll have a joint account ☺

We get £250 each a month as ‘pocket money’. That is to cover all personal discretionary expenditure such as clothes, coffees, haircuts, meals out with friends (as opposed to each other), his lottery tickets , my book habit.

It is approximately 10% of DH’s take home pay.