To not christen my son

[justlonelystars]

Posted here for traffic!

My DH is catholic and I am an atheist. Although we’ve agreed to raise our DS to make his own mind up about religion my DH would like to christen our DS (catholic christening) for two reasons

1. It would mean a lot to him and his family
2. There is a v prestigious catholic school near our house and being christened might help DS chances to get in to this school

Now here’s my issue - and I mean no offence to anyone here who is catholic. I bloody hate the Catholic Church and everything it stands for. But I’m worried that I am indulging my own prejudices and opinions at the expense of opportunities for my DS (e.g. the school).

So as not to massively drip feed, my DH is not a practising catholic, hasn’t stepped foot in a church since I met him, but believes in god and identifies as catholic. He is pretty laid back and agreed to a non religious ceremony for our wedding and would also let me have my own way on the christening (or lack of). However, it’s the issue above that’s worrying me - am I letting my own opinions get in the way of what’s best for DS?

AIBU - yes christen him
AINBU - nah don’t do it!

@x2boys

My son goes to a Catholic secondary school and went to a Catholic primary school contrary to what Mumsnet beleive his school didnt brain wash him and he's decided he is in fact Atheist ,oh and we didn't need to attend church regularly or show commitment ,just a Baptismal certificate was enough ,the local CE school however is a different matter with pleanty of parents finding their faith in year five ,and regularly attending church with their year five kids untill place confirmed in year six.

Exactly y experience too.

Why would you want an RC school anyway if it did not accord with your beliefs?

Isn't that the definition of hypocritical?

Why would you want your kid to go to a catholic school if you hate the religion? Don't be sucked in by prestige.

@NotWithMyShoes, probably not. Parents are sen as the first teachers of their child, so both will need to do it. (Obviously different for single parent families etc) But when both parents are together, it will be expected. I can imagine the priest might not agree to it unless both parents are on board and have done the preparation course.

@Godimabitch it's a contract in the eyes if the church. The parents make solemn promises to raise their child in the faith.

Catholic schools are very inclusive tolerant and open minded. Kindest schools I've ever taught in.
Academies on the other hand are all very totalitarian. They use that exact word as a positive!
A christening is a social norm and the nicest of the three reasons families gather. Weddings are long stressful and all about the bride, funerals are sad for obvious reasons. Christenings are lovely and welcome the new baby into the family while everyone coos and gets together. Otherwise there would be no occasion where all of the family meet the baby.
Also you chose to marry a catholic.
Who made you boss of whether there is a christening.

Wow a 'prestigious' catholic school would be the last type of school experience I'd want for my child.

I was brought up a Catholic, parents were quite devout. I was baptised a Catholic and went to a Catholic primary school(state) . I was due to go to an independent Convent for secondary education, but it closed down suddenly so went to local comp. I certainly felt brainwashed about religion and ended up anti Catholic, although I still believe in God to some extent. I just don't believe in religion. I did however feel it was important to have my DD Christened, but just choose our local Church , which was C of E. My own mother was mortified. The local Catholic primary was a top performing school, but I did not want her to have the bigoted experience I had. However to be fair when I was at Primary all the teachers were Irish Nuns, and this is no longer the case so it may be a better experience.

He won’t get into the Catholic school anyway unless your DH starts attending church regularly.

I went to a Catholic school, despite atheist parents, because it was the best school in our area. Hated it. Full of misogyny, regularly were we taught that women must take a submissive role, no comprehensive sex ed, all the boys had superiority complexes, was dreadful. Don't christen him, let him make up his own mind. The Catholic Church is archaic and works almost exclusively by indoctrination. Dangerous and toxic environment for young people and children.

@BrumBoo

A lot of people not realising it's not just a 'nice day that the child doesn't have to partake in later in life' though.

Once you're labelled a Catholic, you're one for life. At best he'll be a 'lapsed Catholic' when older. It's taking an important choice about personal beliefs away from a person before they even have the ability to choose, completely unfair and selfish.

Once you're labelled a Catholic, you're one for life

What rubbish. I was baptised as a Catholic by my Italian mother, who it happens, doesn't even believe in God. It was just the done thing at that time. No-one since has questioned what religion I am.... not one, single, person. Why on earth would they??

Both my dd's were baptised in the Catholic faith. Nothing to do with school placements.
I don't understand why anyone would sent their child to a Catholic school if you hate the religion.

Thanks everyone, some really interesting points.

For everyone asking me “why am I considering sending my child to a catholic school when I hate the Catholic Church” this is precisely my point. Am I letting my own prejudices get in the way of the best possible education for my child? For what it’s worth, the education there isn’t particularly catholic driven but Catholicism is part of the criteria for admission (they do let non catholic children in too).

As for the school itself, it is private. It is first and foremost academically tested but it helps if your child is catholic (so if 2 kids both get the exact same mark in the entrance exam, they will favour the catholic child if only one space is left).

I am completely unwilling for DS to attend church every weekend during his childhood. So it’s a christening or nothing at all.

And as for how I was bought up, I was christened C of E and sent to church every weekend as a small child despite my parents being atheist (they never told me their views on god, I was left to make my own mind up).

I'm in two minds about this. My mum really wanted me to christen our son and we decided not to. I'm agnostic and my husband is aethiest. But if one of us was religious then I think a compromise could be reached with having a christening. However if you hate the catholic church and everything it stands for then why on earth would you want to send him to a prestigious Catholic school. That's very hypocritical. He will be some what indoctrinated at the school. I firmly believe religion should be kept out of schools with the exception of teaching children about all religions equally to help with tolerance and understanding. I don't think that can ever be achieved in a religious school because there will always be an air of 'our religion is right and theirs is wrong'.

Lots of misconceptions on here I wonder if many of the posters have actually been to Catholic school,s recently ,I repeat my son's Catholic school,s have absolutely not brain washed him ,and he's decided himself he's atheist ,also we are not active member of the church ,or attend .

Christening isn't brainwashing.
Can your DH make his own independent religious choice?
Has the effect of catholic church had much (if any) effect on him (other than identifying with it)?

I’m an atheist, my husband is a vague C of E Christian. I hope this doesn’t offend, but I was happy to have a christening for the same reason I’m happy to leave cookies out for Father Christmas - there’s a nice thought behind it (hello baby/happy Christmas) and I can identify with the thought and the meaning even if I don’t literally believe in God/ Father Christmas. I essentially treat the whole thing as a metaphor.

(Interestingly I’m MUCH more concerned about my child attending a religious school as that really messed me up as a kid. But a baby won’t remember!)

@justlonelystars

Thanks everyone, some really interesting points.

For everyone asking me “why am I considering sending my child to a catholic school when I hate the Catholic Church” this is precisely my point. Am I letting my own prejudices get in the way of the best possible education for my child? For what it’s worth, the education there isn’t particularly catholic driven but Catholicism is part of the criteria for admission (they do let non catholic children in too).

As for the school itself, it is private. It is first and foremost academically tested but it helps if your child is catholic (so if 2 kids both get the exact same mark in the entrance exam, they will favour the catholic child if only one space is left).

I am completely unwilling for DS to attend church every weekend during his childhood. So it’s a christening or nothing at all.

And as for how I was bought up, I was christened C of E and sent to church every weekend as a small child despite my parents being atheist (they never told me their views on god, I was left to make my own mind up).

If it's private, you don't need to do anything. In DD's Catholic private school, catholics were in the minority. Most were CofE, or nothing. We also had a sprinkling of Muslims. The education was fantastic, inclusive, although yes, with an emphasis on Catholic teaching in RE, but as posted above, it made not a jot of difference to me (I also went there, when there were Nuns!), or my children's later views on Religion, other than we all came to the same conclusion, in that we don't regard it at all.

Also it bugs me when non religious people have christenings for their kids purely for a get together. A christening is about welcoming a child into the church and promising to support said child on their religious journey. It's meaningless if you're not planning on doing that. Just have a party if that's the reason you're doing it!

Rather hypocritical to "hate" the Catholic Church and everything it stands for EXCEPT when it comes to giving your precious first born an education .....🤔

I'm was in the same position. Culturally Catholic husband who I've been with for 14 years and only seen in a church 3 times- all for funerals. I'm atheist.
In the end neither of our children were christened, mainly I think because he wasn't really bothered enough to organise it himself and knew I was having no part. I was also firm that it seemed very hypocritical for him to promise to raise his children in the faith when he never goes to church and has no intention of taking them.
First child will be going to school next year and that sparked a lot of conversations. In the end I couldn't be OK with her going to a Catholic school so she isn't. Even though this means driving further and breaking decade's of tradition because him and all his family attended said school.
I'm not sure that's of help to you but in summary I wouldn't christen my child if not intending to raise them catholic, regardless of school opportunities it may afford.

YABU.

Non catholics don’t get to tell catholics how they should practice their religion.

The child can still choose for themselves later on (confirmation), they don’t get branded at baptism.

A family I know had their oldest christened Catholic in year 6, and she did get into the local Catholic high. Others christened C of E as babies did not get in.
If you want him to go to that school then do it, he can be whatever religion he wants or doesn’t want to be when he is old enough to make that choice.

As a devout atheist, it's a huge "NO" from me! And I think it would be very hypocritical for anyone not actively practicing a religion to have a religious ceremony that involves promises to bring a child up in that particular faith.

I freely admit to being biased against Catholic education though. Both my late DF and my ExH were irrevocably fucked up by their treatment in RC schools, even though I know there are much better safeguards these days.

But it's still a form of indoctrination.

Also, like most things, its not clear cut.

What I "experience" of Catholicism is a group of normal people who go to nursing homes (pre-covid) and sit and talk to elderly people (often with dementia - often people they knew earlier in life) and have a chat and offer to pray with them or pray for them (never forced, just offered and frequently requested - they don't have enough volunteers for this). Quietly done, one of the kindest things I see. Amnesty international, started by a Catholic. I'm not going to make a list of bad or good, but you can take the positive out of something and without embracing the whole thing, still see some good.

@BrumBoo

A lot of people not realising it's not just a 'nice day that the child doesn't have to partake in later in life' though.

Once you're labelled a Catholic, you're one for life. At best he'll be a 'lapsed Catholic' when older. It's taking an important choice about personal beliefs away from a person before they even have the ability to choose, completely unfair and selfish.

Totally agree with this.