To not christen my son

[justlonelystars]

Posted here for traffic!

My DH is catholic and I am an atheist. Although we’ve agreed to raise our DS to make his own mind up about religion my DH would like to christen our DS (catholic christening) for two reasons

1. It would mean a lot to him and his family
2. There is a v prestigious catholic school near our house and being christened might help DS chances to get in to this school

Now here’s my issue - and I mean no offence to anyone here who is catholic. I bloody hate the Catholic Church and everything it stands for. But I’m worried that I am indulging my own prejudices and opinions at the expense of opportunities for my DS (e.g. the school).

So as not to massively drip feed, my DH is not a practising catholic, hasn’t stepped foot in a church since I met him, but believes in god and identifies as catholic. He is pretty laid back and agreed to a non religious ceremony for our wedding and would also let me have my own way on the christening (or lack of). However, it’s the issue above that’s worrying me - am I letting my own opinions get in the way of what’s best for DS?

AIBU - yes christen him
AINBU - nah don’t do it!

I was christened as the social norm. I hate that I was and my children weren’t despite family pressure.

Further to my previous comments, if you get your child baptised, YOU will be asked questions. YOU will be asked to make promises. In that place, on that ground where people have believed and worshipped for centuries and in public will you tell barefaced lies? What makes a Catholic church different from any other place where people have believed and gone through rituals for millenia? Uluru (Ayes Rock) was closed a couple of years ago precisely because for millenia, people believed it was a sacred space rather than an entertainment.

I may have had a glass of wine.

You are asking in the right place if you want the answer to be no. Go and ask in r/Catholicism if you want the answer to be yes.

Why dont you talk it out with your DH?. He is saying he wants to do this and the concession to your atheist views is that it also has a practical component of putting you in the running for a good school.

It can be a low key ceremony, you dont have to believe in it personally, it's a nice family occaision to look back on (doing it after covid restrictions lift?). If he wants to sort it out go along. He might not be able to get a christening if he doesn't attend church so just leave it up to him.

In that place, on that ground where people have believed and worshipped for centuries and in public will you tell barefaced lies?

It's not Crown Court . There are literally no consequences to these 'lies'. This isn't the dark ages where the outed atheist will be burned as a witch....

A lot of people not realising it's not just a 'nice day that the child doesn't have to partake in later in life' though.

Once you're labelled a Catholic, you're one for life. At best he'll be a 'lapsed Catholic' when older. It's taking an important choice about personal beliefs away from a person before they even have the ability to choose, completely unfair and selfish.

How come you get the casting vote?

It’s a meaningless ceremony to you but a big deal to your husband. It won’t actively do any harm to your child. I’d just let your dh crack on and organise it. You don’t have to have anything to do with it.

I have always attended church, in normal times I still did probably more because it's familiar and comforting rather than due to a faith. DH would sometimes come with me if he was off work. We decided not to christen DS, we've decided it's his decision to make if he ever wants to. I also have issues with the Catholic Church saying you have to be christened to go to heaven, it can lead to a lot of heart ache in some situations.

Catholics believe a person needs to be baptised to go to heaven,
That's me fucked then - although frankly I'd prefer not go if the restrictions are so tight and non-diverse, thanks.

Most people whose kids go to Catholic or even Christian schools aren’t religious at all. They all pretend to get access to a supposedly better education. You may as well get him baptised. I’m my niece’s godmother and I’m a rabid atheist. I agreed to it because in the real world if anything happened to my sister and her husband I would take care of her, so it’s a nice link.

The school will demand more than a baptism certificate, they will require a recommendation from your priest and both you and your child to be engaging with church activities (not just turning up for the carol service annually) eg my bil ended up being treasurer for a year to get his places!

A friend was in this situation. Her DH agreed on the basis that she took her children to church regularly. Basically, if you make the promises, you keep them.
So she opted in and gets on with it because it's important to her.

I'm an atheist but baptised a Catholic and had a solid Irish Catholic schools all the way education. I haven't had a church wedding and neither of my children are baptised in any faith. Their U.K. school has a Christian ethos but that's about it.

I would test just how important it is to him, and to you - if you are "giving in" for the purposes of school access then facilitating church attendance is also on you I think.

I've stood as a godparent and made promises against my better judgement for parents who were adamant they wanted me in their children's lives. Should the need arise, I'll have to carry out those promises. Fingers crossed

I'm technically Catholic - it only means what you want it to mean and if a christening would make my DH happy, I'd do it.
I wouldn't agree to Catholic school though - I went to one because the education standards were better than the alternative, but I don't agree with religious schools - teaching children that something which cannot be proven is incontrovertible fact doesn't sit well with me.

I'm an atheist, I wouldn't mind the christening if it keeps everyone happy, but no way would I send my children to a Catholic school.

My friend had their DC christened catholic in similar circumstances to what you describe.

Their DC2 is my dds best friend (though didn’t go to primary together) she a nice well adjusted girl and her catholic primary years haven’t brain washed her, despite what many on MN would have you think. Their other option for primary was dire, which is why she decided to go with it, she has no regrets.

It’s not really the reasons you’re supposed to get christened for. But like your DH, her DH felt he wanted them christened and she went along with it for the prospect of the better school. It work for them.

I would point out that the opportunities for working in the social work field so many years ago were often via the religious order route.

Unfortunately, it's the fact that the 'social work field' in the past was pretty much exclusively populated by religious that gave rise to the Mother and Baby Homes and Magdalene laundries.

You may as well get him baptised. I’m my niece’s godmother and I’m a rabid atheist. I agreed to it because in the real world if anything happened to my sister and her husband I would take care of her, so it’s a nice link.

But being a godparent is exclusively about agreeing to help the child 'grow in their faith' -- it has no legal basis at all. You're confusing being a godparent with being a nominated guardian in someone's will.

@BrumBoo

Catholics believe a person needs to be baptised to go to heaven,

That in itself is pretty sick. Goodness forbid a child passes away before choosing to be baptised .

They changed it so that children can still go if they die before they are christened

My child was baptised into the Catholic Church. They have attended both a Catholic school and C of E school.
Definitely no brainwashing going on in either school and a lot of non Catholics in the Catholic school.
In fact the C of E school was a lot more religious of the two.

You will have to stand up and make promises that you have no intention of keeping, and claim to believe things that you do not believe. Don't do it.

Once you're labelled a Catholic, you're one for life.

To who? In gods eyes? If you're an atheist you don't believe in god so what "God" thinks of you is meaningless.

I am an atheist and I also don't like the catholic Church or any religion, but actually I'd say it's fine. Saying a few words etc is meaningless to you but it would mean a lot to your DH and family. It isn't taking away their choice because if your dc doesn't want to be catholic anymore, all they have to do is never mention it again. It's not like you are getting a tattoo of jesus on dc.

I won’t be and I’m from an Irish catholic family and my Husband too!

We want nothing to do with that church - even more so after all this mother an baby home stuff - it’s just awful!

Don’t want to give them any more members or any more support.

I didn’t even consider it for my children. We are not Christian and it would feel like a mockery of those that do believe to do it just for school.

I disagree with @FlyNow.

They changed it so that children can still go if they die before they are christened

Ah, the infallibility of the teachings of the church

I struggled with this too. We decided not to get little one christened and opted for a naming ceremony, including a blessing from a family vicar. It was lovely. He will be going to a good local school that has great ethics and a good spiritual undertone.
When he is old enough, he can chose his religious or non religious direction.
Good luck in your decision making.

There is so much wrong with faith schools, the very opposite of inclusive, tolerant, open minded.... inculcated with Catholic guilt? No thanks.

And that's before bowing to the whims of your extended family to do something that compromises your beliefs.
Yes, my sister married a Catholic and her children went to a faith school.
They had to go to church weekly, and don't start me on my neice's 1st communion, it was a pageant of glitz , it was frankly tawdry but with the biggest expectations put on these white clad little girls. ( a separate ceremony for boys). A turgid 2 hour service.
Misogynistic and objectifying, elitist, it was really very sinister and quite disturbing.
That is all something you will have to consider, is this something you want to impose on yourselves and your children?
There are many damaged people out there as a result of a Catholic upbringing, I would say, more, in my experience, than ones who find fulfilment, peace, enrichment and have been able to grow and learn tolerance for the rest of the world.
I would not judge you, I am so v close to my sister, BIL, niece and nephew, but the latter three are fragile, damaged people now. I don't know how much of that has been as a result of the Catholic church, but it hasn't helped, they are not happy people and no amount of excellent schooling makes an unhappy person learn better.
I'm sorry, this is close to my heart and you're better off with more balanced opinions. Best of luck in whatever you choose.

I have had similar experiences within my own family. Frankly the christening did not mean a lot to me, but did to my in laws, so I did not object. Not a big deal, and we had a nice get together afterwards. Rarely been near a church since. For me, it depends how strongly you feel. I would still attend carol services and I still joined in with the school nativity play at my kids CofE primary school, but I know that for some people it is a more moral question.