I'm i being screwed over - family finances?

[ArnoldBee]

So hubby owes me £50k for various reasons over the past 10 years.

Since covid we've arranged our finances differently. My £2k income pays all the bills. Hubby's income £1.5k pays for other stuff ie holidays, takeaways, new fencing and maybe a new kitchen if I'm lucky.

Am I still £50k down if this is how things continue? Previously we would pay half each towards these things.

He has only just been able to talk about finances in the past 6 months. It makes him anxious and upset.

But he's not anxious and upset when he's spending £50k you earned?

This doesn't sound like a team.

I think it's clear he won't be able to pay you back with his spending habits and illness. I would suggest giving him a portion of the bills from his income. Maybe £200 if he can handle that. Then take the £200 you would have put towards those bills into your 'pay me back' pot. Yes you're paying yourself back but it is the only way you will build those funds back. He will then have £200 less out of his pit which might mean less takeaways, 'fun' money.

If you're paying all the bills and his money is for less crucial spending, he is naturally going to be more likely to be able to spend it on 'shiny things'. You need to stop that and ensure you both pay towards bills and both have X percent left for luxuries etc.

I think you need to see some money coming from him to you every month for sure. I wouldn't have any joint pots to be honest. He doesn't need to spend £1500 a month on himself and "shiny things" as he does now. A monthly standing order for £900 a month that leaves his account for yours on pay day. Then he never has the money to piss up the wall in the first place and you can start to build some financial security for you and your family.

I wonder if you should take some legal advice about what happens in the case of a divorce. A shame to be building up a safety net but losing half of it if you split. I don't know if there's any way around that but as he acknowledges that he owes you £50k surely it would be worth investigating.

Why do you keep calling him a wife? It seems very odd.

@shindiggery

Why do you keep calling him a wife? It seems very odd.

It is strange

Once could be a (weird) typo

But twice

hes not a traditional stereotypical man

Just a chancer by the sounds of it.

Yes I decided if he died diving that was his choice and I would just enjoy the extra space on the plane on the way back. He does lots of things he's not supposed to otherwise he wouldn't be able to live. We have loads of adjustments that are just part of our life thst we don't notice. We actually wait for the green man before crossing roads, we don't use escalators or stairs.

The house is all in my name so no concerns there. The kids have upstairs bedrooms and ours is downstairs :-)

You started this thread about being screwed over your family finances. It sounds like you are a willing participant, so I am not sure what your issue is.
You've been given lots of good advice, but have defended your husband and seem to view him as a child that needs protecting.
I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, but he definitely saw you coming.

I think all his wages should go towards paying the outgoing and the op saves hers until she has covered what she spent on his debts. Plus has driving lessons and buys a car.

The problem is that if you got divorced, he'd be entitled to any savings you might have and any debts he might have.

He either speaks to the cms about maint for his dc or her expenses come from his wages alone

I am more gobsmacked than I’ve ever been on MN, reading you saying you paid of £30K of his debt and funding him spunking £20K on things like diving gear for him.

You’re as bad with money as he is, though in a different way. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m surprised you ever had £50K to piss away, perhaps it was an inheritance or payment of equity from a divorce.

He should be repaying you £50K. He’s never going to. If people insist on the “family money” nonsense in this instance, then OK - he should be repaying the “family” savings.

You’re never getting that money back, even a penny of it. Forget it. That bad decision was made, and you’ve got the consequences of it.

What you need to do now, is STOP. You’re talking about him wasting all his spends now, whilst you’re saving again. So... change the amounts you have. What you usually save - make that a family savings* contribution, and double it. From his spends. So you both get less now. Don’t give him the money in the first place to just waste at your expenses.

*when I say family savings, for God’s sake have the sense to have it in your own name.

Oh yes I have an ISA in my own name - I'm not that daft!

I got my money by getting myself out of a hole week by week - it took 3 years to get on an even keel.
Hes not legally allowed to drive though he has his free bus pass!

However what I'm taking from this is that I will boasting my coffers with any extra money floating about!

Surely if you're married it's both of your money?

sounds prety amazing that he can earn a wage at all with all these non heart attack heart attacks which make him set fire to things

IKR

You saved £50K by yourself, just from your income, and just gave it away for him to spend on crap? 😳 (well, probably perfectly good quality expensive things - but if they’re just quickly discarded hobbies or hobbies you can’t afford, then it’s crap)

Honestly cannot imagine just giving that away.

Why on earth didn’t he go onto repayment plan?

You’re just throwing good money after bad, because he’s STILL doing it!

When are you going to get him to eBay what’s left of the shiny things to put money back into savings?

How on earth do you get travel insurance for your diving holidays? Mine has gone through the roof due to having to declare osteoarthritis and a hip replacement. His condition sounds a nightmare to have to insure.

@thenightsky

How on earth do you get travel insurance for your diving holidays? Mine has gone through the roof due to having to declare osteoarthritis and a hip replacement. His condition sounds a nightmare to have to insure.

He doesn’t sound like the kind of person who would bother with insurance 🤷🏻‍♀️

He’s clearly not bothered about debt and spending other people’s money, so I doubt responsibility is strong in this one.

Unless you've got a prenup any savings or pension or debts or houses regardless of who's name it's in will be classed as family equity in a divorce.

Could his spending not be a feature of his mental health illness?

no an ISA in your own name is still a joint marital asset, half is his as is half your pension pot if you split.

he's shafted you OP. it won't ever change unless you take charge of the joint family income.

Bills are £2k, you put £1k in each, he pays £200 per month towards the £50k and you both have £300 spends. Then you create a savings pot with the £200 and your £700.

We get travel insurance but as there isn't a diagnosis as they don't know what it is they can't take it into account.

It's a nightmare to live with but we make it work. He pushes himself to try and make life as normal as possible for us. He'll never be a high earner as he has to do work that fits in with his condition which is normally short blasts then rest days.

So you are his own personal 'make a wish' foundation? If he's so amazing and so deserving, I don't see what your problem is?
Hopefully your children will also be able to accommodate his wants as they get older and start to earn.

Why do so many women put up with crap financial situations?
Financial literacy should be taught in school.
He sounds work shy and this doesn't add up in terms of his illness and hobbies.