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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm i being screwed over - family finances?

175 replies

ArnoldBee · 29/01/2021 08:43

So hubby owes me £50k for various reasons over the past 10 years.

Since covid we've arranged our finances differently. My £2k income pays all the bills. Hubby's income £1.5k pays for other stuff ie holidays, takeaways, new fencing and maybe a new kitchen if I'm lucky.

Am I still £50k down if this is how things continue? Previously we would pay half each towards these things.

OP posts:
CuteBear · 29/01/2021 12:37

@ArnoldBee

Bless him his illness means he's often in A and E, sets fire to the house, nearly drowns, nearly gets run over by cars and trams, has been robbed and is in more pain than I could ever deal with. So yes I am often more of a carer than his wife which complicates things further. Yes I am angry as things have come to ahead for me over the past year like it has for others.
What do you get out of this relationship? As a couple you should be paying 50:50 for household bills. Instead, you’re bailing him out and basically paying him and his DD to live with you. I’m guessing it’s only you who pays the mortgage/rent, utility bills and food shops?

What illness does he have? Why does he commit arson and constantly in and out of A&E?

QueenoftheAir · 29/01/2021 12:42

Bless him his illness means he's often in A and E, sets fire to the house, nearly drowns, nearly gets run over by cars and trams, has been robbed and is in more pain than I could ever deal with

This, and his uncontrolled (addictive) spending suggests bipolar to me. You're a saint to be dealing with it when you really don't have to, and I'm glad you've got a better financial arrangement, so that he's not wasting money on selfish stuff for him.

But I'd find it hard to get over the £50k. For most people, that's a life-changing sum (I halve my mortgage, for example).

NameChange215 · 29/01/2021 12:45

@ArnoldBee

Eddie this is a question I find myself asking...

If nothing else companionship. When he's well he's on fire - great fun to be with. We can talk about a range of subjects and have many interests in common. He's a great wife and mother to his children.
Unfortunately he's mostly ill and I have to be the boring adult and pick up the slack with the kids.

Anyone else picked up on the 'great wife and mother to his children'? OP have you swapped the genders around for this post?
Original poster
ArnoldBee · 29/01/2021 12:46

He doesnt commit arson bless him it was a consequence of his illness.
Its something to do with his heart but they can't figure out what it is. He has the equivalent of around 5 heart attacks a month except its not actually a heart attack. This has been going on for 25 years and he has no clue which one of these instances is finally going to finish him off as his life expectancy cannot be predicted. They expected him to be dead by now.

OP posts:
Lady089 · 29/01/2021 12:49

The whole thread is bizarre and conflicting.

You said he had lots of ‘shiny things’ but in another post you said, ‘You’re pissed off because there’s loads of shiny things you could have spent your money on?

What even are these shiny things totalling £50k and if you bought them for him knowing he couldn’t afford them, you must have known he wouldn’t have been able to pay you the money back?

Also has he lost his job due to Covid, or because of the many health issues he has?
As by the sounds of it, he’s very unwell.

NoSleepInTheHeat · 29/01/2021 12:55

@LeroyJenkinssss

If he gave you £850 a month he’d have paid you back in just less than 5 years. I’d rather that option than him ‘treating’ the family every now and then tbh.

If your bills come to £2.5k and your total income is £4K, id have a joint account for bills where salaries go into and then transfer £325 into his account and £1,175 into yours. Then after 5 years (presuming everything else stays the same) it would go to £750 each.

this sounds good
SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 29/01/2021 12:56

Owing someone - spouse or not - would make me anxious and upset. Why should that be a reason not to press your concerns home?

You are not responsible for seeing to his debts.

He shouldn’t get nice or shiny things like holidays and treats until he pays you back. And yes, instead of putting in the pot for that, he needs to contribute to bills etc too.

I’m sorry he has MH issues. I don’t think that is a justifiable excuse for fucking you over financially.

Meanwhile you get his share of anxiety and upset and he gets to float through life with no consequences and a cushioned existence.

Been there. Had that done to me. (Just without my knowledge). Flowers

TatianaBis · 29/01/2021 12:56

What is a heart attack that is not a heart attack?

Does he have multiple myocardial infarctions per month?

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 29/01/2021 12:59

Just spotted namechange’s post.

It makes no difference to my opinion.

Viviennemary · 29/01/2021 13:00

I can't see how he can possibly owe you £50k. You would need to provide an itemized list of things he bought exclusively for himself. It's nonsense really in a partnership unless it's a formal loan which on which terms of payment have been agreed.

Godimabitch · 29/01/2021 13:04

I would count up all the expenses, everything, food bills, takeaways etc. And split it proportionally by income.
You open a savings account. A suitable portion of your income goes into savings. say your bills are 50% of your joint income. 20% of your joint income goes into savings.
10% of his income then goes to repaying you.
So he should be sending you, every month, his share of bills, his share of savings, a repayment towards the money you've given him and he has money left for spenders. And he needs to cancel his credit cards.

This bit isnt very nice and I am sorry, if he has health issues and is also racking up debt, you both must understand that the likelihood is that he dies first and leaves you in a world of shit? So I do think he needs to at least stop building more debt, because it's you that's having to clean up after him. Not only will you lose your husband, but you'll have debt collectors and credit card companies hounding you and those companies aren't often very nice at the best of times.

AmySosa · 29/01/2021 13:07

He’s a great wife and mother? Are you a touch confused, OP?

Original poster
ArnoldBee · 29/01/2021 13:09

No he genuinely is a great wife and mother - with his mental health issues hes not a traditional stereotypical man. We spend a lot of time talking about feelings which can be exhausting. I'm reminded of Sam in SATC when she's in a sane sex relationship and finds it overwhelming!

OP posts:
EuroTrashed · 29/01/2021 13:10

it sounds prety amazing that he can earn a wage at all with all these non heart attack heart attacks which make him set fire to things.

(but ignore the part about credit card compnaies hounding you after his death. They can't - they can hound the estate but if he has nothing, there isn't one. His debts don't magically transfer to you if he dies unless they're joint debts in the first place)

hansgrueber · 29/01/2021 13:12

@bridgetreilly

And if he needs something, he asks.

This is because he has clearly demonstrated that he cannot be trusted to spend money sensibly. What neither of you need is him racking up more debt.

The word 'sensibly' is presumably defined by the wife here! Surely the MN mantra is 'family money' or does that only apply to money the man has?
AmySosa · 29/01/2021 13:12

@ArnoldBee

No he genuinely is a great wife and mother - with his mental health issues hes not a traditional stereotypical man. We spend a lot of time talking about feelings which can be exhausting. I'm reminded of Sam in SATC when she's in a sane sex relationship and finds it overwhelming!
What

The

Fuck

Original poster
ArnoldBee · 29/01/2021 13:13

Godimabitch - I'm not offended at all. The mortgage is mine alone and as he might pop.off at any time I didn't want to end up with a financial mess to get out of. I knew when I married him thst it might not be for long but the stubborn bugger keeps going :-)
So I think our finances going forward are in a good state, I need to pocket some of that extra cash floating about towards what I've lost but I may never see it completely back.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 29/01/2021 13:14

Could you sell some of these shiny things? eBay, Facebook, car boot sales. 50 grands worth of stuff must take up lots of room.. I'm visualising you in a hoarders house where you can't open the door to most of the rooms.

Godimabitch · 29/01/2021 13:14

@EuroTrashed His debts don't magically transfer to you if he dies unless they're joint debts in the first place

Really? I genuinely thought they did and I've been worrying about it for a long time with some relatives we have. I thought money and debts were transferred to next of kin (unless a will stayed otherwise for money). Blush sorry

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 29/01/2021 13:15

Penny dropping

EuroTrashed · 29/01/2021 13:18

[quote Godimabitch]**@EuroTrashed* His debts don't magically transfer to you if he dies unless they're joint debts in the first place*

Really? I genuinely thought they did and I've been worrying about it for a long time with some relatives we have. I thought money and debts were transferred to next of kin (unless a will stayed otherwise for money). Blush sorry[/quote]
no! unless they're taken out as joint and you've signed for them in the first place. The debt is owned by the estate of the deceased, so the person it's owed to comes in priority to anything being distributed to the beneficiaries. If they own their house, for eg, any equity in the house will go to settle debts before anything can be given to beneficiaries. No personal risk for the family, but quite possibly a horrible pain in the arse to act as executor for them

Godimabitch · 29/01/2021 13:20

Glad you've thought about being protected financially OP. Yeah you definitely need to be getting more of the pot considering he's had an advance of 50k. Just go through, do the maths and tell him what he needs to give you, might be the easiest way. Trusting him to save up for holidays is only setting him up for failure.

Palavah · 29/01/2021 13:22

@arethereanyleftatall

The fairest way op, is to put it all in a joint pot, pay all bills from it, then split the remainder 50/50. You spend yours on what you like and your dc, he spends his on what he likes and his dc.
This except that after bills, before he take his discretionary spend he puts into a savings account for you till he's paid back the £50k.
Godimabitch · 29/01/2021 13:23

@EuroTrashed right I'm with you, thank you. I would worry if they jointly owned the house then could it force a sale to release his equity for debts. (Obviously not in OPs case as she owns the house)

Palavah · 29/01/2021 13:25

@ArnoldBee

He doesnt commit arson bless him it was a consequence of his illness. Its something to do with his heart but they can't figure out what it is. He has the equivalent of around 5 heart attacks a month except its not actually a heart attack. This has been going on for 25 years and he has no clue which one of these instances is finally going to finish him off as his life expectancy cannot be predicted. They expected him to be dead by now.
SCUBa diving an interesting choice of hobby, then.

The mortgage might be in your name but presumably the property is in joint names? If so then his creditors could come after the equity in your home and if you can pay them without selling then they could force you to sell.