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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm i being screwed over - family finances?

175 replies

ArnoldBee · 29/01/2021 08:43

So hubby owes me £50k for various reasons over the past 10 years.

Since covid we've arranged our finances differently. My £2k income pays all the bills. Hubby's income £1.5k pays for other stuff ie holidays, takeaways, new fencing and maybe a new kitchen if I'm lucky.

Am I still £50k down if this is how things continue? Previously we would pay half each towards these things.

OP posts:
luxxlisbon · 29/01/2021 09:35

I find it so strange that your husband owes you 50k. If this has "built up over the years" what has the money gone towards?
Are you living in a house and maintaining a lifestyle that he can't keep up with?

Bubbles1st · 29/01/2021 09:38

Why would he and then you agree his desires where more important than yours, how many things abs years did it take to get to £50k? Why not stop at 1 or 5 or 10?

I get the pressure I have maxed out a credit card before for an ex and it
Destroyed my soul as I knew I'd never get it back when I left him. But £50k I do not understand why your husband would want that to happen unless he has a problem and his debts form a large chunk of that amount?

Original poster
ArnoldBee · 29/01/2021 09:43

Hubby has mental health issues which has led to the debt. He also hid it away and I only became aware of the full extent of the issue by being far too nosey.
I wish we lived an extravagent life but we really don't.

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 29/01/2021 09:43

It sounds like he doesn't owe you anything because it was never a loan from your account to his.

It sounds more like a case of suddenly not being happy in your marriage and now feeling resentful of the financial choices you made earlier.

No different to how many higher earner feel when things go wrong, but not something you can claim for retrospectively in marriage.

mrsm43s · 29/01/2021 09:43

Surely firstly all money is family money, so no-one owes anyone anything.

Secondly, since to are the higher earner, you should be paying more than 50% of costs, as you should be left with equal spending money after all costs are paid. Otherwise if you are a man you are considered financially abusive by Mumsnet.

In all seriousness, start again from scratch. Pool the incoming money, deduct the total cost of all bills, put an agreed amount Into joint savings and split the remaining money equally, so you have equal amounts to spend or save as you individually wish.

BillMasen · 29/01/2021 09:46

Not entirely comfortable with this op

I think a woman coming on here who had list her job, her husband covered the bills but then sent her a list of all the things he’d spent and expected her to pay it back would very quickly be told he’s financially abusive.

I understand it’s annoying that savings had to cover bills, but expecting it back feels off

How much was bills vs “his” debt? What was the debt for? What was on your list?

Original poster
ArnoldBee · 29/01/2021 09:56

None of the £50k was for bills as we actually paid it proportionally to our income at the time to make it fair.
£30k of it was debts of his that I paid off. Essentially he bought shiny things that he couldn't afford and then it ended up being interest in top of interest on top of interest. The other £20k is money he has asked to borrow from me over the years for other shiny things that he's never paid back as he couldn't afford to.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 29/01/2021 09:59

Normally I would say that it’s family money so he doesn’t owe you anything but if he built up debts you didn’t know about and you paid them off solely from your earnings/savings then I sway you have a point
However, it doesn’t sound like he will be repaying you any time soon so it might be best to let it go if you don’t want to resent him forever

BillMasen · 29/01/2021 10:04

OP that puts a different slant on it and in that situation I think it’s fair to think of it as money lent. The problem you have is that firstly, paying back 50k when you take home 1500 is tough and takes a long time. It would mean him making sacrifices that in essence you would make too

In addition, it’s a bit wooden dollars as everthing is kind of joint. Although I fully understand you wanting control over savings to avoid them being frittered.

Control over savings wouldn’t be accepted in a male partner though

It’s tough.

Aprilx · 29/01/2021 10:07

What do you mean your husband owes you £50K? The concept of my husband owing me money is unfathomable to me. We are married, the money is joint.

bridgetreilly · 29/01/2021 10:09

No, that's not fair at all.

You pay the bills with your £2k. Then he pays his £1.5k to you to repay the debt and it's up to you whether you choose to spend that money on holidays for the family or nice things for yourself, or stick it in savings. And if he needs something, he asks.

bridgetreilly · 29/01/2021 10:11

And if he needs something, he asks.

This is because he has clearly demonstrated that he cannot be trusted to spend money sensibly. What neither of you need is him racking up more debt.

luxxlisbon · 29/01/2021 10:11

OP you realise he will never be able to pay you back £50k?

He earns 1.5k a month, repaying you that vast sum is literally never going to happen.

At this stage you are completely enabling him. After clearing 30k of debt you continued to lend him money for things he couldn't afford up to an additional 20k?!

It sounds like your husband needs some serious mental health concerns addressed. His debt is an addiction at this stage.

Whitecup4 · 29/01/2021 10:12

50/50 bills.

Then the 50 left for him is halved again to savings and then spending money as he has a debt.

Not sure how your husband has a debt to you though as your his partner but you obviously do things differently

BillMasen · 29/01/2021 10:12

@bridgetreilly

And if he needs something, he asks.

This is because he has clearly demonstrated that he cannot be trusted to spend money sensibly. What neither of you need is him racking up more debt.

True but not accepted when a husband says this, regardless of the wife’s financial past.
Original poster
ArnoldBee · 29/01/2021 10:13

As part of the new financial arrangement we both get personal monthly spending money which is the same amount each. Mine is nicely growing- his is not. It just illustrates how we deal with things differently.

OP posts:
Sinful8 · 29/01/2021 10:14

@ArnoldBee

Well quite it is a lot of money which has built up over the years. I'm caught between letting it go as it will never happen and actually I'm very frugal so why should I pay for all his shiny things that he's bought for his own personal benefit? I wanted to learn to dive and buy all the equipment too but I couldn't afford to.
Can you imagine a bloke presenting his wife with a "nice little list" of all the things he's paid for and how she now owes him 50k?

Financial abuse would be being posted every 2 seconds

BillMasen · 29/01/2021 10:14

@Whitecup4

50/50 bills.

Then the 50 left for him is halved again to savings and then spending money as he has a debt.

Not sure how your husband has a debt to you though as your his partner but you obviously do things differently

No bills in proportion to earnings so op pays more. Women earning less are told never to pay half, it’s abuse.

Half joking but you see it a lot on here

SpiderinaWingMirror · 29/01/2021 10:15

If you have jointly owned property you could adjust it that way, redraw ownership of the property and adjust will to make sure that your kids get what they should
Other than that unless there are shiny things to sell you are screwed. But you kinds did it to yourself.

BillMasen · 29/01/2021 10:15

@ArnoldBee

As part of the new financial arrangement we both get personal monthly spending money which is the same amount each. Mine is nicely growing- his is not. It just illustrates how we deal with things differently.
And that is fine, albeit in your shoes I’d feel the same.

You save he spends. That’s kind of ok until you have a rainy day and that’s where your savings go

Original poster
ArnoldBee · 29/01/2021 10:17

And also to add into the mix his daughter came to live with us last year and her mother doesn't pay any maintenance.

OP posts:
BillMasen · 29/01/2021 10:18

What about adding some joint savings to the “bills”. Build your (joint) 50k back up and force a bit of responsibility on him while still allowing freedom to spend eats left?

BillMasen · 29/01/2021 10:18

Whats

LeroyJenkinssss · 29/01/2021 10:18

If he gave you £850 a month he’d have paid you back in just less than 5 years. I’d rather that option than him ‘treating’ the family every now and then tbh.

If your bills come to £2.5k and your total income is £4K, id have a joint account for bills where salaries go into and then transfer £325 into his account and £1,175 into yours. Then after 5 years (presuming everything else stays the same) it would go to £750 each.

Oldraver · 29/01/2021 10:19

If he has form for spending money you dont have on 'shiny things' then he needs a very set amount of money to go towards immovable things like bills

As you are leaving him to fund the extras or non essentials then this leaves him open once again to frittering money away