I'm i being screwed over - family finances?

[ArnoldBee]

So hubby owes me £50k for various reasons over the past 10 years.

Since covid we've arranged our finances differently. My £2k income pays all the bills. Hubby's income £1.5k pays for other stuff ie holidays, takeaways, new fencing and maybe a new kitchen if I'm lucky.

Am I still £50k down if this is how things continue? Previously we would pay half each towards these things.

How old is your dsd?

@Sethy38

He doesn’t “owe” you

You don’t think he has a moral responsibility to replenish the “joint” pot that went into paying off his debts?

No, I don’t

I didn’t expect my husband to repay me.

Ok. I disagree and think that if the op has used her savings (or their if you think everything is joint) then they need replacement and he should do that.

Otherwise it’s always the spender spending, the saver saving and then paying for the rainy day. The spender has their cake and eats it

OP,

It sounds like his ex got rid of a waster and he moved on to another mug.

Exactly what are you getting from paying for this wasters lifestyle.

You are frugal to pay for him and his child while he takes zero responsibility all under the cover of MH🙄.

How convenient.

Now his wife is taking advantage of you as well.

What about YOUR children?

Why did you marry this sponger?

Have a think?

Is this all you want from life?

Carrying a sponger.

I dont think you're being screwed over now.

I think you've both been bad with money in the past.

Him for his attitude to spending and debt, and you for not properly sitting down and discussing spending and savings, and continually bailing him out and 'lending' him money for things that he obviously can't afford. If he can't afford to save for those things, how did you ever think that he would pay you back?

Of course it's not fair that in the past he has lived beyond his means and you've lived within yours, and that you're the one that bails him out.

I think you need to forget about the 50k unless he agrees that he gives you say 250-500 a month debt repayment from his side of the money.

I do think you need a much tighter agreement on money going forward. Agree no credit cards. Agree that you have control of all the money in your account and agree what spending money he gets per month. And stop his access to joint money. And agree what money goes into family savings every month that he doesnt have access to without your permission. Yes its treating him like a child but he obviously can't deal with money if he has spent 50k more than he can afford on stuff he doesnt need, and it sounds so engrained that I honestly think it will happen again if you don't basically make it impossible.

So combine the pot and build into the plan, equal spending money then a bit more paid to you to start repaying that money. It just means he'll have less money to waste.

@ArnoldBee

As part of the new financial arrangement we both get personal monthly spending money which is the same amount each. Mine is nicely growing- his is not. It just illustrates how we deal with things differently.

This doesn't make any sense

He lost his job - different.

But now he has an income, you go back to what you did.

Of course you shouldn't pay for his shiny things. This whole set up makes zero sense.

He should absolutely pay back the 50K. I've no idea how he would do that on his wage, but to just write it off is just enabling him. Why on earth did you give him the other 20K?

@ArnoldBee

The issue with the 'Shiny Things' is that they aren't quantifiable. Essentially it's crap thst he thought he wanted and either doesn't use, they've broken or he realised they were crap. Additionally if he didn't have £20 he would take it out the cash machine from his credit card and then only pay the minimum amount on his credit card. I have showed him his credit card spending with correlates with his poor mental health so we have a strategy in place for this now.

I paid off 3 credit cards and 2 overdrafts which could have been better spent elsewhere.

And why shouldn't my DSD's mother pay maintenance when he paid for the past 12 years. It was all about equality further up the thread!

Why doesn't she pay?

Also, he needs to start selling the shiny things to pay you back. If they don't get used, that won't bother him.

I don't understand this. You're married, so everything is shared. How then can he owe you money?

The whole concept of husbands and wives "owing" money to each other is ludicrous.

Another day, another thread about a woman tying herself in knots over crazy financial arrangements.

I do agree with selling the stuff, even if it barely makes a dent in the debt. Consequences.

@RaspberryCoulis

The whole concept of husbands and wives "owing" money to each other is ludicrous.

Another day, another thread about a woman tying herself in knots over crazy financial arrangements.

Are you not understanding the dynamic of one partner saving, the other having no financial control. To allow everything joint would be financial suicide and I’d maintain some separation and yes, control.

You sound (possibly rightly) very bitter about the situation op. Does it matter if “fair” when you sound like you can’t forgive his wrecklessness with money.

Why did you continually "lend" him more and more money over the years £50k? With no plans for him to pay any of it back? How did that come about OP as it seems an unusual situation.

Howabout from your joint £3.5k income

£2k bills
£1k repayment to you of debt- will take 4 years to repay
£250 personal spends each

No holidays or new kitchen as not affordable if you want your debt repaid.

DH also to sell as many of shiny items as possible towards clearing the debt.

His ex didn't get rid of a waster they had a brief relationship and she dumped him as she wanted a bloke who could drive which she told me herself and subsequent relationships she has had has emphasised what her priorities are.

Yes he does have various medical conditions which is why I have been more generous than I would be of a normal person and as pleased as punch he has got himself sorted during a pandemic when other more able folks seem to be doing bugger all.

He has only just been able to talk about finances in the past 6 months. It makes him anxious and upset.

Hes on the maximum anti depressants and I've been with him when the GP has stated there is nothing further they can do for his mental health as it's tied to his physical issues which they can't find a reason for despite previously spending many months in hospital, more tests than you shake a stick at and 25 years of suffering.

I get what you mean Sethy - but that means that OPs DH has frivolously spent, with no consequences, whilst the OP has not had the luxury of her income.

If it was 5-10K, that is one thing, but 50K - that is a house deposit.

OP - I get you don't have completely blended finances, but why not have a middle ground - a joint pot for all bills that you contribute in proportion of your salary, and any children at home, including a savings account for joint big things holidays, but keeping the rest of your money for you both individually. From this money, he needs to be paying YOU (not the joint account) back a minimum each month, ongoing.

He can't get separate finances and then ask that you pay him 50K of debt off with no recourse.

She doesn't pay cos he hasn't asked and she hasn't offered!

You seem like you love him a lot and are very compassionate OP.
What arrangement do YOU think would be fair?

@ArnoldBee

She doesn't pay cos he hasn't asked and she hasn't offered!

It might be a difficult conversation but he should ask tbh. NRPs should pay, regardless of sex.

I'm a bit confused, why would your new arrangement mean he doesn't owe you anymore? Everything you've said he'll be paying for is stuff for everybody, not just for you, he's not doing you a favour.

I'd be more inclined to split bills 50/50 and also have him start making a regular payment to you each month. Even £100 a month is at least a start in repaying you.

@ArnoldBee

His ex didn't get rid of a waster they had a brief relationship and she dumped him as she wanted a bloke who could drive which she told me herself and subsequent relationships she has had has emphasised what her priorities are.

Yes he does have various medical conditions which is why I have been more generous than I would be of a normal person and as pleased as punch he has got himself sorted during a pandemic when other more able folks seem to be doing bugger all.

He has only just been able to talk about finances in the past 6 months. It makes him anxious and upset.

Hes on the maximum anti depressants and I've been with him when the GP has stated there is nothing further they can do for his mental health as it's tied to his physical issues which they can't find a reason for despite previously spending many months in hospital, more tests than you shake a stick at and 25 years of suffering.

It’s clear you love him and both understand and appreciate the issues he has that have led to this.

I’d struggle to be as understanding tbh, but it’s commendable that you are

I’d also be putting more things in place going forward to both recoup as much of my (our) savings as possible, and some controls to prevent similar. As it stands there are no consequences (which there should be, even if you understand why it happened)

@Snog

Howabout from your joint £3.5k income

£2k bills
£1k repayment to you of debt- will take 4 years to repay
£250 personal spends each

No holidays or new kitchen as not affordable if you want your debt repaid.

DH also to sell as many of shiny items as possible towards clearing the debt.

This. And ask him to speak to his ex about maintenance.