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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm i being screwed over - family finances?

175 replies

ArnoldBee · 29/01/2021 08:43

So hubby owes me £50k for various reasons over the past 10 years.

Since covid we've arranged our finances differently. My £2k income pays all the bills. Hubby's income £1.5k pays for other stuff ie holidays, takeaways, new fencing and maybe a new kitchen if I'm lucky.

Am I still £50k down if this is how things continue? Previously we would pay half each towards these things.

OP posts:
BillMasen · 29/01/2021 10:19

@ArnoldBee

And also to add into the mix his daughter came to live with us last year and her mother doesn't pay any maintenance.
Yep, again I have sympathy but you’ll have loads saying “my new partner doesn’t mind paying for my kids”
Chloemol · 29/01/2021 10:21

I would be now looking to split the bills proportionally into a joint account, making sure his money came in, and only you look after the account so he can’t spend that. I would also set up an amount for both to pay into savings to cover holidays etc

Then out of the rest I would get him to give you a monthly figure towards the £50k and the rest he can spend as he wishes so you start to get money back

If he racks up a load of debt again I would let him sort it

FortunesFave · 29/01/2021 10:21

I can't get my head around "owing" your husband or wife. It's shared money...

BillMasen · 29/01/2021 10:23

@FortunesFave

I can't get my head around "owing" your husband or wife. It's shared money...
And that works of both have the same attitude to money. If one saves and one spends all those savings it doesn’t work and some “control” is needed
Smallgoon · 29/01/2021 10:23

If the tables were turned, would you owe him 50k? The notion that in a marriage, a hubby could owe a wife money, or vice versa, I find rather strange. Whatever happened to 'what's mine is yours'?

MrsWindass · 29/01/2021 10:24

What are these "shiny things " you keep referring to ?

It sounds as if you are never going to improve your standard of living with this person .

Beautiful3 · 29/01/2021 10:24

Married couples shouldn't owe each other anything. We have a joint account. Any big purchases has to be run past the other, to keep over spending at bay.

Plussizejumpsuit · 29/01/2021 10:27

Sounds like there are bigger issues around money than just they way it is split. Is he still behaving in this way? Buying things he can't afford?

Ponoka7 · 29/01/2021 10:27

You sound like an idiot going on about 'shiny things'. You can't lend your Spouse money then use it as a stick to beat them with. Stop being a martyr, you agreed at the time. It's a separate issue to his daughter living with you.

If the spending was a result of his MH issues, have you fully discussed it and come up with better coping/sharing methods?

You should have equal spending money, however if he's got a car and you haven't, then you should budget for that and he should pay towards that, via paying you back. It will make you feel less resentful.

Natsel84 · 29/01/2021 10:28

Your still owed 50k . You need to change your plans so x amount of his 1.5 k gets paid back to you

ivfbeenbusy · 29/01/2021 10:29

Is your home mortgaged jointly? I'd ask that he sign a post nup/ charge goes against the house so that you can recover the £50k that way in the even you split? Otherwise you need to come up with a payment plan?

You have been very foolish in paying the £30k debt then giving him a further £20k!!!

Ponoka7 · 29/01/2021 10:30

Also, you need to let go his ex not paying maintenance. He isn't responsible for that, but he is responsible for his daughter. You married him, so you are also responsible for any children.

YoniAndGuy · 29/01/2021 10:30

Wow, I'd stop paying for absolutely EVERYTHING immdiately and inform him that he's just started paying you back what he owes, ie he's covering the next 50k of everything.

Ikora · 29/01/2021 10:31

It sounds like the 30k debt was racked up before you got together?

The money wasted which is considerable is due to your DH MH issues. How severe are his issues and is he likely to have episodes again? this puts a very different angle on his spending and how money needs to be managed as a couple. I know someone who has serious MH issues who has episodes of mania and has had uncontrolled spending . They are classed as a vulnerable adult and some sort of intervention took place.

DH and I have completely separate money, it’s unpopular on MN. Understandably so when many women have no or low income due to choices around children and childcare. Being the only one who has access to money can give power within a relationship. I made sure I made choices so I would never be financially vulnerable even in divorce so it is totally fine for us.

Blankscreen · 29/01/2021 10:31

How is he ever going to pay you back £50k when he only earns £1.5k a month and needs to live and pay bills.

Its just weird. My ex was a bit like this wanted to go on holiday and I couldn't afford to so he would pay but then I would owe him the money wtf

Also has it got to £50k? £5k yes but £50k is ridiculous.

You need to both pay into the bills in a fair way and then what ever you have left is your own money out of which he repays you an amount off what he owes you

Then joint treats such as holidays need to be affordable by both of you or you don't go

Purplewithred · 29/01/2021 10:32

Is the marriage secure? If so then the issue is more about how your relationship works if he's a silly spender and you're a frugal saver. If the marriage is insecure then I'd go for the written agreement.

Ikora · 29/01/2021 10:34

The non resident parent should always pay maintenance. I am assuming he hasn’t pursued maintenance or has she evaded it or does she not have an income?

Tiktaktoe · 29/01/2021 10:39

So you pay the bills but he stills sees his money as discretionary spends?
The main question I would see is how is he addressing his spending habit? What did he sell in order to try and pay off some of those debts? At the very least I would expect him to have no more access to credit.
I think you need to split the bills 50/50. Then holidays etc need to be knocked on the head until you have a nest egg built up. I would also have a savings account that comes out of his monthly spends only that is for your driving lessons and car. If you have paid off £30k in debts for him yes he does owe you, even if that is only morally rather than legally.
He sounds like a cocklodger.

AnnB30 · 29/01/2021 10:39

How can a husband owe you so much? In this house finances are joint and everything is shared! I can’t imagine dp asking me to pay back any money 😱

Weenurse · 29/01/2021 10:40

Could you sell the ‘shiny things’?

Nocar · 29/01/2021 10:41

What exactly has he spent 50,000 on, what are shiny things.
It’s a lot of shiny things .
Can you sell them, to recover some of your losses.
If your dh is doing this due to mh issues, imposing a repayment plan on him without him first addressing the cause of the behaviour is setting him up to fail.
The thread is frustrating.

Original poster
ArnoldBee · 29/01/2021 10:42

The issue with the 'Shiny Things' is that they aren't quantifiable. Essentially it's crap thst he thought he wanted and either doesn't use, they've broken or he realised they were crap.
Additionally if he didn't have £20 he would take it out the cash machine from his credit card and then only pay the minimum amount on his credit card. I have showed him his credit card spending with correlates with his poor mental health so we have a strategy in place for this now.

I paid off 3 credit cards and 2 overdrafts which could have been better spent elsewhere.

And why shouldn't my DSD's mother pay maintenance when he paid for the past 12 years. It was all about equality further up the thread!

OP posts:
Sethy38 · 29/01/2021 10:43

You posted this OP

* My hubby has various medical conditions which to be honest means he shouldn't be able to get out of bed and with his medications is even harder.*

Cleverly limited in terms of his capacity to work
He doesn’t know you

You’re married. In sickness and in health

Sethy38 · 29/01/2021 10:43

He doesn’t “owe” you

Nocar · 29/01/2021 10:44

Where has the mh diagnosis come from and has a professional explained that this is the cause of over spending, or is this a self diagnosis.

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