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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DD’s taken this a step too far?

524 replies

usernamenotavailible · 29/01/2021 00:22

DH’s birthday is coming up. DD16 just sent me a screenshot of a t-shirt she’s bought him (picture attached). DD is very PC and is big on inclusion, DH is very much not. Won’t add my personal views as I don’t want to influence anyone else, but I’m somewhere in between. AIBU to think DD shouldn’t have bought this and should I do anything?

AIBU to think DD’s taken this a step too far?
OP posts:
TeeBee · 29/01/2021 08:15

I personally find it funny. And I like it when younger people challenge established thinking. That's what we should be teaching them to do. I also think there's plenty of space for him to add his own wording 😉 Some things you just have to approach with humour rather than tie yourself in knots...especially when it comes to teenagers. Maybe encourage her to get something that also shows her affection for him...a nice card or something?

Macncheeseballs · 29/01/2021 08:16

I think it's funny, no need to get involved, its between her and her dad, shes old enough to make her own choices

picklemewalnuts · 29/01/2021 08:17

I'd tell her it's great she stands up for her views, but it's odd to give someone a present you know they won't like.

People's birthdays are for celebrating them, not making a point about yourself.

Sillysandy · 29/01/2021 08:17

It really depends on how this present will go down.

If its a topic they always have lively debates over and he will laugh when he sees the t-shirt and put it on for a photo opportunity together then great.

If he will open it and there will be a stony tense silence then no. It's his birthday and that's not an opportunity to chastise him.

I suspect it's the latter or you wouldn't be posting. I think you should have a word with her and explain that birthdays (cards / presents / cakes) are about celebrating the recipient.

Morgan12 · 29/01/2021 08:19

She has her views and he has his. Why is she trying to force the issue upon him?

Unless one of them is trans or you have another trans child you didn't mention I really don't see why this is such a huge issue in your household?

Tell her to close reddit and grow up.

AStudyinPink · 29/01/2021 08:21

She has her views and he has his. Why is she trying to force the issue upon him?

Because, like many of the very young and particularly the very woke, she hasn’t yet learnt that other people are entitled to disagree with her, or that they might hold the opposite view to hers with an equal and legitimate passion.

Dentistlakes · 29/01/2021 08:22

That’s not a gift for her father, that’s a point scoring exercise. I would ask her what the purpose of the t-shirt is and if she actually thinks it’s something her dad will want. Personally I would rather receive nothing than a present which was clearly given as a dig.

SunshineCake · 29/01/2021 08:22

I think there's better ways of making a point without it being so rude.

Mrgrinch · 29/01/2021 08:23

I'd just explain to her that this doesn't make her loon all grown up and 'woke'. It actually shows just how childish she is.

BoKatan · 29/01/2021 08:24

It's a damning indictment of your daughter that she is buying a gift for a loved one knowing they will hate it.

Given that he won't wear it, it's incredible wasteful, and as it's come from Amazon, I've no doubt it won't be ethically sourced. Or is it only trans lives that matter and not the lives of Bangladeshi factory workers?

FamilyOfAliens · 29/01/2021 08:24

And I like it when younger people challenge established thinking.

But that’s the irony - trans ideology relies for its very existence on outdated notions of gender and how men and women should behave and present themselves in society.

No one who thinks being a woman is a feeling in your head is challenging anything
apart from reality.

B33Fr33 · 29/01/2021 08:26

Meh. A teenage pushing the boundaries of her parents. She's been watching too many shit teen dramas.

Wishitsnows · 29/01/2021 08:26

Would she be happy if he wore it and he followed her friends into the toilet or showers at the gym? She sounds very immature that she can't accept people have different views and buying a t-shirt to antagonise someone isn't going to help.

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 29/01/2021 08:27

I think it's rude to do this on someones birthday. Is she trying to ruin his day?
It's fine to disagree and to debate, but theres a time and place and I doubt she want someone doing this to her on her birthday.

Pinkiii · 29/01/2021 08:28

Sorry I think its quite Petty of your daughter to force her opinion on what is essentially his day.

If the roles were reversed everyone would be saying DH is being a twat.

They can have different opinions and there are times to discuss it and his birthday is not one of them.

If it doesn’t go down well, its something that could taint his bday every year.

Hankunamatata · 29/01/2021 08:29

she is being rude. Not everyone wants to walk around with statement t shirts. Bit cringy tbh

lucyposting · 29/01/2021 08:29

Perhaps direct her here, rather than Amazon, lots of lovely gifts with a sentiment her father might appreciate and made by a woman, not in a sweat shop:

wildwomynworkshop.com/store/t-shirts/slurs-black-feminist-t-shirt/

wildwomynworkshop.com/store/badges/badges-25-mm/biology-isnt-bigotry-25mm-feminist-button-badge/

AllMyPrettyOnes · 29/01/2021 08:29

If the roles were reversed everyone would be saying DH is being a twat.

Yep. It'd be grounds for divorce.

Dinocan · 29/01/2021 08:29

I’m surprised at how many posters have said this will cause ‘trouble’. If you dh is completely unable to take the smallest of jokes and a bit of winding up from his 16 yo maybe. Surely most parents are able to have heated discussion with their teens without it descending into an actual row? It’s fine. It’s a joke present, she knows he will never wear it outside. He could jest back that it’s not very ‘woke’ to be buying items that we don’t need and never intend to wear 🤷‍♀️

Dinocan · 29/01/2021 08:30

Yep. It'd be grounds for divorce.

It’s his 16 yo dd, not his wife. Completely different.

MedusasBadHairDay · 29/01/2021 08:31

I'd assume from what the OP has written that this isn't part of a family in-joke and likely to be taken well by the dad. In which case the daughter is clearly just trying to start an argument, which is a rude thing to do on her dad's birthday.

There are always going to be things parents and kids (especially teens) disagree on, sometimes strongly, but this isn't a constructive way to handle it. It's just going to make the atmosphere unpleasant.

Maybe that's what she wants though? If definitely try to discourage the gift, and if that can't be done then I'd give the dad a warning, and work out tactics to deescalate the situation.

Mmn654123 · 29/01/2021 08:31

I’d have a marker pen ready so your husband can write ‘parent’ on the t-shirt in response.....

winewolfhowls · 29/01/2021 08:31

Does your husband even have strong views on this issue at all? My dh would be completely confused by this gift and not have the background knowledge of the whole debate.

I would be so hurt by the thoughtlessness of a present that hasn't thought of what I would actually like.

Plus, your daughter has way too much money if she is wasting it on gifts that won't even be used.

I love the train idea, genius

ParadiseIsland · 29/01/2021 08:32

I think it’s sad that your first reaction was that, as his dd, there was no way she could influence him tbh.

Says a lot about how stubborn her father is....

BabblativeBean · 29/01/2021 08:32

Clothes waste is a huge issue. 350,000 tonnes of clothing goes into landfill every year. If your dd wants to make a point to your dh, she should find a better way to do it.

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