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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DD’s taken this a step too far?

524 replies

usernamenotavailible · 29/01/2021 00:22

DH’s birthday is coming up. DD16 just sent me a screenshot of a t-shirt she’s bought him (picture attached). DD is very PC and is big on inclusion, DH is very much not. Won’t add my personal views as I don’t want to influence anyone else, but I’m somewhere in between. AIBU to think DD shouldn’t have bought this and should I do anything?

AIBU to think DD’s taken this a step too far?
OP posts:
nothingcomestonothing · 29/01/2021 07:56

This year I got a birthday present from my DC (aged 12 and 9, my DDad took them shopping) which was something I had specifically and repeatedly said I didn't want. They thought it was funny, I didn't. It was a bit shit to feel like they'd rather get me something they knew I'd not like, as a joke they'd enjoy, than get me a birthday present I'd enjoy, but they are younger than your DD and have additional needs. I'll not be impressed if they're doing this at your DD's age.

Mmn654123 · 29/01/2021 07:57

@Mittens030869

* Personally I think little miss needs to check her wokeness at the door and learn some boundaries.*

I really hate the term ‘woke’ with a passion. It tends to be used by person who regularly say, ‘I’m not racist but ...’

I don’t think the present was appropriate, however. It’s important your DD feels free to express her views with her dad, but his birthday should be separate from that.

You are incorrect.

I use the term woke but never say the phrase I’m not racist but.

Perhaps you need to rethink your own prejudices.

CorianderBee · 29/01/2021 07:58

Yes. I think if he won't wear it or like it it's a shit gift and so actually a slap in the face. You're meant to treat someone on their birthday not make it all about yourself.

HettieMills · 29/01/2021 07:58

Gosh, that would be straight in the bin. Or I'd use it as a cleaning rag. Why give someone something on their birthday that you know they wouldn't want.

barretbonden · 29/01/2021 07:58

It's aggressive and hostile to link that with a time when we show our loved ones thought, and love, and DD is being horrible. Id talk to her about whether she wants to hurt and distance her DF b cause that's the gift she's giving - to both of them.

The fact she's shown it to you suggests either there is a massive "you and her against DF" divide, which is also painful, or that she's including you in her "fuck you".

Without question I'd warn DH about what's coming, so he can prepare his response and try and be the bigger, more loving person which is his role as her father.

She may well regret her action later in life.

CorianderBee · 29/01/2021 07:59

Oh and tell her she's just adding to landfill

Mmn654123 · 29/01/2021 08:00

@borntohula

She's probably bloody joking ffs.
If she’s joking, what is the punchline?

It’s only a joke if he’s laughing.

rwalker · 29/01/2021 08:00

Totally pointless and will cause nothing but trouble . If she does want to educate him this really isn't the way.
Sounds like she going out of her way to cause trouble. I go out for the day if i were you it not going to be a pleasant day in your house.

She knows he won't like it and set out to deliberately spoil the day because he doesn't agree with her.

AStudyinPink · 29/01/2021 08:00

I use the term woke but never say the phrase I’m not racist but...

I use the phrase ‘I’m not racist but’...

And guess what? I’m not.

DaisyHeadMaisy · 29/01/2021 08:01

Your dh should open his other gifts first, really slowly.
And then when he does open dd’s gift just a thank you dd.
Pop the t shirt to one side and get on with his day.

No visible reaction is the best reaction

This! Warn him in advance and don't give her the satisfaction of an arguement.

At least it takes one of these awful t-shirts out of circulation, cut it up for dusters.

HettieMills · 29/01/2021 08:01

It tends to be used by person who regularly say, ‘I’m not racist but

No it doesn't.

Inpeace · 29/01/2021 08:02

If it’s ok as a birthday present or not well It totally depends on their relationship.

jobbyjg · 29/01/2021 08:05

Tell her it's a waste to the environment her money and her time , buying gifts for someone who won't appreciate or wear it

FamilyOfAliens · 29/01/2021 08:06

The other point is that the trend for displaying your opinions on a T shirt is a very poor substitute for conversation and discussion.

It’s in the same vein as that thread yesterday where the T shirt says “not all pregnant people are women”.

It’s like Soviet propaganda.

MoltenLasagne · 29/01/2021 08:07

DM's aunt always used to buy us kids Christian themed Christmas presents as a dig at DM for not "raising us right". This has the same energy to me - making a passive aggressive dig which sours the occasion.

Mummyratbag · 29/01/2021 08:08

When's her birthday OP? Can't you buy a pile of dung as a gift from Oxfam? Just saying.

jeaux90 · 29/01/2021 08:08

It's like asking an atheist to wear a religious slogan.

I think she needs to not centre her own views on his birthday

Buy him the standing for women t shirt OP, the one that says "man, adult human male'

He'd like that if he's GC

I have the hoody it's super snuggly Grin

waltzingparrot · 29/01/2021 08:09

@LadyDique

Tell him to buy her the dictionary definition of a woman t-shirt for her birthday

She's being an entitled, passive aggressive brat.

I'm terms of what I would do, I have fairly strong feelings on the current trans fuckery so I'd tell him and buy the t-shirt mentioned above.

Then when she gives it to him he can return the favour immediately.

Yes, I'd also be tempted to warn him what's coming so he can prepare a witty response rather than an argument.
saraclara · 29/01/2021 08:09

She needs to be reminded what a gift is. You give a gift to please the giver and make them happy.
A birthday is about the person whose day is being celebrated.

Ignore the specific point she's making with the shirt for a moment and point out that she is being selfish. She's giving someone a gift that they won't like, and making his birthday about her. And if the tables were turned how would she feel.

Bumpsadaisie · 29/01/2021 08:10

I think it is up to her about what she buys him. Its fine for her to disagree with him.

But I think you could have a chat with her about gift giving - ie an expression of your thoughtfulness and love towards the recipient.

And then see if she wishes to proceed.

ConcernedAuntie · 29/01/2021 08:10

Perhaps he could buy her an Old Guys Rule T shirt for her birthday.

MegtheShark · 29/01/2021 08:12

I am surprised how many posters have called op’s husband a bigot.

We don’t actually know what his views are?

Or is anything, ever, at all that doesn’t 100% support ALL trans ideology (including the purely batshit) bigoted?

diddl · 29/01/2021 08:14

@swansongs

I don't get what's 'funny' about it. Am I missing something?
Me too-I keep thinking that there must be some meaning or witticism that I'm not getting!
AIMD · 29/01/2021 08:14

I love young people who are willing to stand up for their own beliefs when they feel it’s important. How lovely that they talk about things like this.

I’m a bit unsure about the T-shirt. If it’s given in jest and dad would receive it and wear it in jest that seems ok. If she’s doing it when she knows it’ll cause an argument or upset that’s another story and his birthday clearly isn’t the event to do that.

Maybe just let her give the T-shirt and it’ll either go well or not and she’ll have to deal with it if it doesn’t go well. How old is she? If she’s above about 13 I’d let her give it.

On the whole though if I were you I’d be glad to have a daughter with strong views. I thinking learning how to share your views are part of learning at that age.

TiersForFears1 · 29/01/2021 08:15

It's HIS birthday, it's not her day, it's not about her.