AIBU to think DD’s taken this a step too far?

[usernamenotavailible]

DH’s birthday is coming up. DD16 just sent me a screenshot of a t-shirt she’s bought him (picture attached). DD is very PC and is big on inclusion, DH is very much not. Won’t add my personal views as I don’t want to influence anyone else, but I’m somewhere in between. AIBU to think DD shouldn’t have bought this and should I do anything?

I'm 100% GC and this T-shirt gets on my (female) tits but trust me the best way for him to handle this is to wear it and pretend it doesn't bother him. She's only doing it to wind him up.

Actually, the best and most drama free thing would be for him to open it, look at it, say he loves it but doesn't really need any new t-shirts right now, give it to her and say as it's a cause dear to your heart you have it and wear it to bed.

Your DD is being deeply unpleasant.

I like this T-shirt myself. www.standingforwomen.com/product-page/women-will-not-submit-t-shirt

@BlackBrowedAlbatross

If she gives it to him, then, were I him, I'd be buying her some literature about the holocaust, to remind her where that sort of dehumanising, dogmatic, totalitarianism (the telling other people what they may think, the particular message is irrelevant) ends.

Not a historian but fairly sure the Nazi movement didn't begin with a teenager winding up their Dad.

I think you missed the point

If anyone bought me that t shirt it would go straight in the bin.

Your dd should read some of the threads on FWR. Has she read JKR's essay? Yes trans a complex & thorny issue but media are geared towards shooting young people towards TWAW & no debate & that's not healthy.

It's really important that they both try to talk/debate issues without getting too frustrated & taking things personally. Obviously this should be easier for a grown up than a child but nevertheless, an important skill to learn.

I would tell your dd that it's an unkind thing to do & you can't imagine her father using her birthday to do similar to her. See if she's thought how she would feel if the roles were reversed. Ask what she'd do with an 'adult human female' t shirt.

I'd also prewarn dh so he can say 'thanks' and not create the drama she is seeking.

It's not a good situation but have you ever sat down & allocated time to discuss it properly. I'd gather information & spend an hour or so talking it through together to try to promote some understanding of each other's side & take the sting out of the subject.

Good luck!

The slogan on the t-shirt is inclusive and is one I could get behind.... Were it not from an organisation which is very much not inclusive as it promotes an ideology that, amongst many problematic issues, asserts same sex attraction is "transphobic".

Interesting to see the lazy comparison with racism up thread. Current, mainstream trans rights activism is driven by people who are not all trans, centering male bodied transwomen, not female bodied transmen. If it has to be compared with the struggle for racial equality, then transwomen, who retain both structural and physical power over natal women, are the white people.

Single sex provision exists to protect those with structural and physical disadvantage ie females, from those with advantage ie males. Racism seeks to retain privilege for the powerful class, whites, at the expense of non whites.

So whilst my first reaction was to find OP funny, and imagine buying my dad the Nirvana t-shirt with the word "whores" on the back, on second thoughts I think it's more akin to OP's daughter buying him a St George's flag for the driveway because she's worried about the number of immigrants to the area.

Of course you're DH could just do a little graffiti with a market pen & add an 'i' - I quite like the surrealism of a T shirt proclaiming

'Some people are trains, get over it'

I'd never let my DC behave like this to their dad. It's so rude and disrespectful. And unkind!
As her mum and as your DH's wife, I think you do owe it to both of them to head this off. She might be young and thoughtless and self absorbed, but this will really hurt her dad and might cause damage that takes a very long time to fix.

Not read the entire thread. I wouldn't take it up with DD necessarily, although I really don't think someone's birthday present is a good forum for expressing your disagreement with anything.

What I would do is warn my DH about it so he could figure out what he thinks is going to be a helpful response, rather than being caught off guard and reacting in a way he might regret. If you and DH can work out together how to explain to DD that it's not really an appropriate birthday present (or, alternatively, DH might like to laugh it off) - anything other than being obviously upset and hostile - then I think you can turn this into more of a positive discussion and not start a family war over it.

Hmmm. I've not read the whole thread but all I can say is birthdays are about the person's birthday it is. Quite attention-seeking and selfish to buy a present that you know they won't like just so you can push your own agenda.

If I had used my parents birthday to give them a point scoring gift about how wrong I think their opinion is I would have been bollocked till kingdom come.

Not that I'm saying you can ever disagree with a parent, but to use their birthday is unthoughtful at best and a massive dick move otherwise.

Agree to buy the adult human female tshirt for her if she's insistent on this bollocks. He can give it to her at the same time then say right now the tshirt exchange is done have you got me an actual birthday present? If she says no, he can say well the shirt I got you is yours then.

I think there is no problem with buying the t-shirt and giving it to him. But it might be worth mentioning that she should buy a gift to go with it that he will actually want. Because gift giving on birthdays should be about the other person and blessing them on. It shouldn’t be able your DD on his birthday. But nothing wrong with it being an additional gift.

When I was 16 I would have bought the t-shirt and worn it around my dad, at every opportunity. I'd have bought him some socks and chocolate.

@Simarilion

Of course you're DH could just do a little graffiti with a market pen & add an 'i' - I quite like the surrealism of a T shirt proclaiming

'Some people are trains, get over it'

and wear that everyday then

• about (not able)

If nothing else, there's a teachable moment here about not buying Amazon (and Wish.com and SheIn etc) knock-offs but getting the real thing where the money actually goes to the original creators (especially if it's supporting a cause or charity)

stonewalluk.myshopify.com/collections/clothing/products/spatgoi-tshirt

It. FWIW - i don't use the term woke. But it is flung at people who are inclusive (mostly by idiots) as an insult.

^This is what I meant earlier. I wasn't being prejudiced or suggesting that women shouldn't be troubled about the trans agenda. We should be, definitely.

I was just talking about the word 'woke'. It is misused by people who don't want to be challenged about their prejudices, including misogynistic men who care nothing about women's issues.

But I am also prejudiced in one way. 'Woke' is a verb (past tense of 'wake', so I find it irritating hearing it being used as an adjective. I also never heard it until a couple of years ago.

Also, what's the difference between 'woke' and 'politically correct (PC)'?

@ancientgran. It's exactly the sort of thing a 16 year old would do to wind up a parent. Just take the wind out of her sails. Of course she shouldn't behave that way but to confront her about it is going to reinforce divisions between them. Don't give her the satisfaction of a drama.

@usernamenotavailible

*does she want influence his views*

Yes, that was her explanation (believe me, I’ve tried to explain that it won’t work). The problem is that neither are willing to consider the other’s views!

So she's as bad as he is.

What would she think to a similar t-shirt for her (with opposing views, obvs)

@Hollyoakswatcher

If the OP’s dd was challenging DH over perhaps being racist this thread would have gone in a completely different direction. Probably because most of the pp’s on this post could do with this T-shirt themselves. And then they are so shocked when MN is called transphobic.

If DD bought me a BLM tshirt I wouldn’t wear it, even though I do support the movement She has every right to challenge her Dads opinion on this or any other subject but not via his bday present

@MummBraTheEverLeaking

If I had used my parents birthday to give them a point scoring gift about how wrong I think their opinion is I would have been bollocked till kingdom come.

Not that I'm saying you can ever disagree with a parent, but to use their birthday is unthoughtful at best and a massive dick move otherwise.

Agree to buy the adult human female tshirt for her if she's insistent on this bollocks. He can give it to her at the same time then say right now the tshirt exchange is done have you got me an actual birthday present? If she says no, he can say well the shirt I got you is yours then.

I like that idea

She's hardly going to take on board this 'learning opportunity', she's 16 and is pushing boundaries, she's a teenager!

its not appropriate to get into this thrugh his birthday presents its just not the right time

so she jsut wants an argument how would she like it if he done that on her birthday

It's not really a present is it?
Perhaps she can look forward to a "Woman: Adult Human Female"
t-shirt for her birthday. Then they could swap t-shirts :)

At least as @DollyPartonsBeard says, no money went to fucking stonewall as she bought a rip off version so if she doesn't retract, at least your dh can rest easy on that score & point out the futility of her efforts.