AIBU to think DD’s taken this a step too far?

[usernamenotavailible]

DH’s birthday is coming up. DD16 just sent me a screenshot of a t-shirt she’s bought him (picture attached). DD is very PC and is big on inclusion, DH is very much not. Won’t add my personal views as I don’t want to influence anyone else, but I’m somewhere in between. AIBU to think DD shouldn’t have bought this and should I do anything?

Like most teenagers, I used to butt heads with my parents over their hopelessly outdated views (like most teenagers, I also grew out of this, but it's developmentally normal).

But I wouldn't have used their birthdays as an opportunity to subtly call them bigots because despite being a disagreeable teenager, I did actually love them and this is a mean thing to do.

Has she actually got him a real present that he will appreciate as well?

How crass of her.

Nice to see it's her Dad she's thinking of on his birthday

Lack of empathy shown by your dd - the idea of presents for a birthday is to select presents the receiver will appreciate and enjoy, not to try to make yourself look smart and push your own viewpoints onto them.

The best use for this t shirt is as a cleaning rag. Who wears t shirts anyway, especially in the middle of winter?

Notwithstanding any disagreement or difference in views, I personally think it is mean to buy him a gift that he will not like or appreciate on his birthday.

If she cannot convince him to change his opinion the other 364 days of the year, she needs to button it on his birthday.

I respect my dad but not all his views. I would buy him something he would like for his birthday because he’s my dad, he bought me up and I love him. Not everyone agrees on everything in life!

I just dont see the point of this at all- what a waste of money and effort. He wont wear it, and it wont change his mind so what on earth is the point? Plus its bloody ugly anyway.

Maybe on her birthday he could get her something she doesnt want but he thinks she "should" have and see how she responds! Thats what I'd do.

Is that all she's getting him for his birthday? It's kind of nasty if so. If she doesn't agree with his views that's fine but it very petty and an attempt to actually spoil the day for him to give him something she knows will be antagonistic. I think you're right to warn him about it too

@usernamenotavailible

He definitely won’t take this as a joke. DH & DD don’t have the best relationship anyway, I doubt she’d do something like this for my birthday. I think DD might have a trans friend which is why this is so important to her (this isn’t the only thing they disagree on but she’s not done this before). Also saw the toilets argument earlier in the thread, we’ve tried to have that discussion and “it wouldn’t be a problem if toilets were mixed sex anyway” (don’t agree personally but that’s what she thinks). I’ll warn DH I think and then let him handle it.

I’d also have some repercussions for your daughter. She must learn that it’s nasty to use a birthday to carry on an argument, and hurt someone’s feelings by getting them a passive aggressive present instead of something thoughtful. What a little bitch

If the OP’s dd was challenging DH over perhaps being racist this thread would have gone in a completely different direction. Probably because most of the pp’s on this post could do with this T-shirt themselves. And then they are so shocked when MN is called transphobic.

@YoniAndGuy

How crass of her.

Nice to see it's her Dad she's thinking of on his birthday

I think a lot of teens (not all!) don't actually see their parents as real people with real feelings and their own points of view

@Hollyoakswatcher

If the OP’s dd was challenging DH over perhaps being racist this thread would have gone in a completely different direction. Probably because most of the pp’s on this post could do with this T-shirt themselves. And then they are so shocked when MN is called transphobic.

The time for this sort of ignorant statement is well over, I'm afraid. Have a look around. Read the room. The tide is well and truly turning. Women just aren't going to allow our rights to be taken away from us. Stop yelling "trans phones!!" into the abyss and actually give the issue some proper thought.

I think you should warn him but also let her know its really petty to get her point across like this.

You are still a parent and you need to teach her what’s right and wrong, (not saying her opinion is wrong) but the way she is going about it, is wrong.

This is why there are so many sensitive snowflakes (again not calling the DD snowflake but general) because no one pulls them up on this kind of behaviour, a differing opinion doesn’t make one ignorant as so many seem to think so on this board and they are injecting their bias on to this problem

@Hollyoakswatcher

If the OP’s dd was challenging DH over perhaps being racist this thread would have gone in a completely different direction. Probably because most of the pp’s on this post could do with this T-shirt themselves. And then they are so shocked when MN is called transphobic.

What nonsense.

*transphobes, not trans phones.

Although trans phones ARE phones, so...

It’s such a shame that when she thought about what she could get for her dad on his birthday, the first thing that came to mind was a t shirt with her own opinion on it, to demonstrate that she thinks she’s superior to him.

Yep. Bottom line is that she's being spiteful. And that really needs to be pointed out to her. Someone's birthday is not the time to be be spiteful. She's basically setting out to humiliate him.

@usernamenotavailible, if you let her give him this, he's going to be really hurt. In your position, I wouldn't tell him and let him deal with it. I'd spell it out to your daughter that she is being actively spiteful and hurtful, and that you are not prepared to let her do this.

@Hollyoakswatcher

If the OP’s dd was challenging DH over perhaps being racist this thread would have gone in a completely different direction. Probably because most of the pp’s on this post could do with this T-shirt themselves. And then they are so shocked when MN is called transphobic.

No it wouldn't. The issue they disagree on isn't the problem here. It's the daughters lack of respect and rudeness over a gift for her father. In this situation no gift is better than one she knows he wont like and one she's brought out of spite and to cause ill feeling.

God, I think this is really rude of her and would be putting my foot down that she is not to give it to him. There's a time and a place for discussing your views and making your point but someone's birthday is not it! I think it's really bad manners to get someone a present they won't like on purpose and if I was given a T-shirt with a slogan I openly oppose as a "gift" I would be very angry.

Your daughters a tit for even thinking about doing this on his birthday. Well old enough to behave better. And she's selfish as fuck to boot to.

She needs to be taught all people have different views - and she won't always agree with them. But there is no need to be unkind enough to get him something he obviously won't use on his birthday. The birthday is for the recipent, not for her to make passive aggressive statements. Ask her how she'd like it if this was done to her?

She also needs to learn the value of money. Completely wasting it on something he doesn't have the same views on and wouldn't wear. I wouldn't wear it, not because I have issues with trans, but because wearing anything blasted with slogans of current affairs is cringey as fuck.

So no YANBU, she's acting immature and like a brat to be quite frank. No need to do this to get your point across. Maybe both parties need to drop the discussion in the house and just accept they're not going to agree and not touch on the subject again, it's clearly not doing any good in the house. You cannot force someone to have the same views as you.

I don't get it, of course trans people exist.

The T-shirt doesn't say anything controversial.

if it said TWAW get over it then it would be different.

I think she's missed the point and is behaving like a typical 16 year old.

@Hollyoakswatcher

If the OP’s dd was challenging DH over perhaps being racist this thread would have gone in a completely different direction. Probably because most of the pp’s on this post could do with this T-shirt themselves. And then they are so shocked when MN is called transphobic.

I don't think it would honestly, most people are pointing out that the idea of a birthday gift is that it's something the receiver wants, and deliberately buying someone something you know they wouldn't want is a mean thing to do.

Like most people I grew up with elderly relations who held bigoted, outdated views - and yes I would disagree with them, I'd attempt to change their minds. But I wouldn't have dreamt of using their birthday to have a dig. It's not the time or place for it. If someone's views are so awful that I can't bring myself to do anything nice for them then I simply wouldn't have bought them a birthday gift at all.

Inclusive and woke aren’t synonyms. I know this is a little pedantic for this discussion

It is. FWIW - i don't use the term woke. But it is flung at people who are inclusive (mostly by idiots) as an insult.

I just asked dh what he would say if dd (also 16 and woke) gave him this. He said he would wear it at every opportunity and particularly if there was a chance (non-covid times) of being seen by her friends...

No better way to puncture - and piss off - a teen than by adopting their point of view!

If your DD is so keen on “inclusivity”, why is she promoting an ideology that is in fact deeply exclusive?

The ideology of transgenderism erases the material reality of sex, which excludes a great many women from women’s spaces, and a great many same-sex attracted people from the organisations and communities that were set up to promote their needs and rights.

Now spaces and services for women can be accessed by biologically male (and I mean totally unmodified male) people, regardless of the impact that has on biologically female people; and the “queer” community has been appropriated by opposite-sex attracted people who define as queer because they’re trans/NB/pan or whatever.

Many lesbians have been ostracised by their own communities, some have even faced violence, for the crime of not being interested in dating “lesbians” with a penis.(Although, interestingly, gay men are not under so much pressure to get intimate with biologically female trans people and their “manginas”. I wonder why that is?)

So the people who are actually more vulnerable and marginalised - females and genuinely gay people - are the ones being excluded, while heterosexual males are positioned front and centre, same as they always were, under cover of “trans rights”. Even words like “woman” and “gay” are being taken away from those they were originally meant for.

Ironically, given your DD’s intentions, if I saw someone wearing a T-shirt like that, I’d think they were most likely an ignorant, deluded bigot.

Anyway, OP, clearly her priority is making a point rather than making him happy, which doesn’t indicate anything good about their relationship. Maybe that’s what you and your DH should be focusing on?

It is so desperately sad that young people have been sold an ideology that is driving such a wedge between the generations (although I know this isn't just a generational thing).

When my eldest sister was a teen in the late 70s, this t-shirt would have been about CND. Ten years later, when I was a was a teen, my friends and I were all terribly self righteous about the environment (hah) and fox hunting and the fur trade.

Yes, we were frustrated by the seeming apathy of our parents and others of their generation for not understanding how important these things were to us. And doubtless our parents quietly rolled their eyes at our naivety and let us get on with it. But none of these issues divided us in the way gender ideology is dividing us. The stakes are too high for us to sit back and let them figure it out for themselves. It is all very depressing.

I think she's bought a present for herself, not for her Dad!