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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DD’s taken this a step too far?

524 replies

usernamenotavailible · 29/01/2021 00:22

DH’s birthday is coming up. DD16 just sent me a screenshot of a t-shirt she’s bought him (picture attached). DD is very PC and is big on inclusion, DH is very much not. Won’t add my personal views as I don’t want to influence anyone else, but I’m somewhere in between. AIBU to think DD shouldn’t have bought this and should I do anything?

AIBU to think DD’s taken this a step too far?
OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 29/01/2021 10:09

Agree with MrsElijahMikaelson

"Actually I would tell your DH so he is warned in advance what to expect. He can then just open it, say thank you very much and move on to the next gift-which he can enjoy. That will take the wind out of sails a bit as I think it is a passive aggressive thing and she wants to create an argument, which is pretty unkind on his birthday."

aSofaNearYou · 29/01/2021 10:10

I think it's quite an unkind thing for her to do on his birthday, personally. Just using it to pick a fight or shame him rather than do something nice for him. I would tell her this.

MrsWindass · 29/01/2021 10:10

Well they do know it all at 16 , don't they ? Wink

Bythemillpond · 29/01/2021 10:11

I think it is quite a nasty present and more for your daughters benefit rather than her father.

If you daughter likes it so much then I would suggest she keeps it for herself.

ancientgran · 29/01/2021 10:11

@Kit19 Proper self contained toilets including sinks with floor to ceiling cubicles and lockable doors - no problem with them at all

but most mixed sex toilets arent this, most are often repurposed womens toilets (somehow the men always get to keep theirs) with a 'gender neutral' sign plonked on the door and no other changes made

I think it is also the getting away from the "block" and having the access from a public place, not just outside but also in places like my local hospital where the toilets are all proper single rooms opening onto corridors.

Maybe it is going back to when I worked with the vice squad in a big city, nasty things happen and one or two stick with me so I agree we need proper, secure, private toilets but I think where they are accessed from is also important.

BeautifulStar · 29/01/2021 10:11

I disagree with the slogan but I would find it funny - it’s the kind of thing my teens would do!

FamilyOfAliens · 29/01/2021 10:12

No-one is controlling who goes in the cubicles either, ancientgran, unless there’s an arrangement that you haven’t mentioned

So if you end up locked inside a cubicle with a predatory male who has followed you in, there wouldn’t be much you could do about that. Great if there are loads of people milling around to prevent that happening. Not so great if there aren’t.

ancientgran · 29/01/2021 10:12

@AudTheDeepAndCrispAndEven

Prewarn him and get him to cheerfully and gratefully accept it. Then he can stick it in a drawer and there's been no drama on his birthday! Perhaps also buy him a new shirt so he has an excuse not to wear the t-shirt on the dy!
Don't you think at 16 she ought to know that you don't give presents to upset or annoy people and if the mum smooths it over a learning opportunity is missed or does the 16 year old go on in life behaving inappropriately?
aSofaNearYou · 29/01/2021 10:13

Prewarn him and get him to cheerfully and gratefully accept it

How is he supposed to pretend to like it, though? They both know they don't see eye to eye on this subject, so the passive aggression is plain to see and impossible to ignore.

BeautifulStar · 29/01/2021 10:13

Maybe for her birthday buy her at shirt saying “WOMAN - an adult female human being”

She’ll have to accept it in good grace won’t she?

ancientgran · 29/01/2021 10:13

@FamilyOfAliens

No-one is controlling who goes in the cubicles either, ancientgran, unless there’s an arrangement that you haven’t mentioned

So if you end up locked inside a cubicle with a predatory male who has followed you in, there wouldn’t be much you could do about that. Great if there are loads of people milling around to prevent that happening. Not so great if there aren’t.

That is why it is important to site them properly, not tucked away but it a nice public place.

Nothing is ever 100% perfect but it is worth going for the safest we can.

Smallgoon · 29/01/2021 10:15

I think you're being unreasonable. Perhaps they've had private conversations about this matter, knowing that they couldn't have them in front of you.

mumwon · 29/01/2021 10:16

I thought the idea of birthday presents was to give someone something to give them pleasure & as a sign of their regard
Unless your dh has the kind of humour which means he is likely to laugh its a risk of causing disappointment, arguments & and negative feelings between them -
I think its selfish of her to use his birthday to make such a point -if she gave him this as an "un" birthday present at another time as a-joke present, fine

intheenddoesitreallymatter · 29/01/2021 10:17

It depends on their relationship I guess. If I had given that to my dad about differing views he would have laughed out loud and worn it to every parents evening just to embarrass me.

If your husband won’t have the same reaction I would tell her not to give it to him or give your husband a heads up to not give her a reaction.

Crabbypaddy · 29/01/2021 10:18

I think it’s a shit present haha

Queenoftheashes · 29/01/2021 10:18

I'm sure this has been pointed out but very environmentally unfriendly to buy someone a t shirt they won't wear which I'm sure is at odds with her progressive views.

Aquagirl19 · 29/01/2021 10:18

If she's bought it to make a point and there's no chance of him wearing it then what a waste. If those are her views she should wear the t shirt herself.

lottiegarbanzo · 29/01/2021 10:19

Though, she wouldn't be the first person to buy someone a gift that they'd like themselves, in the hope that they'll gain the use of it.

RavingAnnie · 29/01/2021 10:23

I think that's quite a nasty and hurtful thing to do on someone's birthday. I can't believe some posters are trying to say this is ok. And of course you should step in and patent your child who has told you she's going to do something passive aggressive, inappropriate and hurtful.

He's her dad and I am sure has done a lot for her in her life and spent a great deal of money on her and this is her chance to show she appreciates and loves her dad. It's not a time to be pushing your point of view.

I have lots of contradictory views to my mum and I would never do this to her on her birthday. It's unkind.

If she wants to have discussions and debates with dad about conflicting viewpoints that's fine. This is not the time to do it and as a parent you need to guide her in what is appropriate and what isn't.

Perhaps ask her how she would feel if the roles were reversed and all her dad bought her was a t shirt with a view on it that was contrary to one of her views.

Simarilion · 29/01/2021 10:23

That's really petty & passive aggressive. If I got that the recipient would definitely be getting a hoody with 'woman = adult human female' on it for their birthday. A relative tends to give gifts from political organisations (with slogans on them) and even if you agree with the viewpoint, unless it's a cause you're into it's a shit present.

Soontobe60 · 29/01/2021 10:25

@Hawkins001

society needs to be an open and inclusive one and accepting of all people's preferences and accepting of all, therefore views that may have been common in years past, why should outdated views still be considered acceptable today ?
I’m sure the OP hasn’t actually said what her dh’s views are. If he holds the view that humans are not able to miraculously change sex then there’s nothing outdated about this. If he’s said that trans people should be thrown in prison then obviously that’s a whole different ball game. BTW, do you accept the preferences of men who want to have sex with children? You see, some preferences are abhorrent aren’t they?
RoyalCorgi · 29/01/2021 10:25

If she's already bought it, probably not much you can do except pre-warn your DH. He can always wear it under his sweatshirt or to do the housework or something. But personally I try and buy people presents I think they'll like.

2pinkginsplease · 29/01/2021 10:26

Shes bought it to Get a reaction, to start an argument.

I’d tell dh so he can be calm when opening ,, say thank you don’t react as shes looking for that reaction..... don’t give her it.

FamilyOfAliens · 29/01/2021 10:28

That is why it is important to site them properly, not tucked away but it a nice public place.

Makes no difference if there’s no one around at the time. Unless they are closed when the crowds go home or it gets dark, mixed sex provision is not a risk-free environment for women.

diddl · 29/01/2021 10:28

I don't wear slogan tshrts so would be tempted to hand it back as she's obviously bought it for herself.

It's a shame that she feels such disdain for him because he doesn't agree with her about something.

I'd be really disappointed/upset if my kids treated my husband in such a way.

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