Page 12 | AIBU to think DD’s taken this a step too far?

usernamenotavailible · 2021-01-29T00:22:12+00:00

DH’s birthday is coming up. DD16 just sent me a screenshot of a t-shirt she’s bought him (picture attached). DD is very PC and is big on inclusion, DH is very much not. Won’t add my personal views as I don’t want to influence anyone else, but I’m somewhere in between. AIBU to think DD shouldn’t have bought this and should I do anything?

SweetPetrichor · 29/01/2021 09:38

I agree with her sentiment but also agree it’s not a great present.
If I were your husband (although I very much disagree with his stance), I would customise the shirt...do something like like paint quotation marks or a speech bubble around it and add “woke teenager, 2021”. Then he makes his point, without fuss, and then he can just wear it in bed or something.

Dozycuntlaters · 29/01/2021 09:39

Yeah I agree, it's upsetting as it's not nice to have it pointed out to you that you're a dick by your own child

We don't know he's a dick though do we. People aren't dicks just because they hold a different opinion. It's OP's DH's right to feel however he feels, but he would only be a dick if he shouted out he's against trans from the roof tops. We don't know he does that, for all we know its just discussions he and DD have had in the privacy of their own home.

FamilyOfAliens · 29/01/2021 09:40

Sounds like you have a drug problem in your town, ancientgran.

Removing a single sex facility rather than just refurbishing it seems a strange way to tackle the problem, but there you go. The solution to women having to queue longer would be to provide more toilets for women, of course.

Kit19 · 29/01/2021 09:41

@FOJN

ancientgran

A few miles down the coast they went with a mixed sex block but then had to employ a toilet attendant to monitor men wanking in the toilets and using cameras between the gaps in the cubicle walls. I hate them.

I think both yours and Grans post prove that there are mixed sex...and mixed sex!

Proper self contained toilets including sinks with floor to ceiling cubicles and lockable doors - no problem with them at all

but most mixed sex toilets arent this, most are often repurposed womens toilets (somehow the men always get to keep theirs) with a 'gender neutral' sign plonked on the door and no other changes made

uggmum · 29/01/2021 09:41

It's a passive aggressive stunt and it's a shame that she has used his birthday to get her point across.

She needs to learn that she can't force other people to share her views and to accept other people's opinions.

The right and wrongs of his views are irrelevant. It's a mean thing to do.

She will come across people with differing views for her entire life and she needs to find a way of dealing with it

Lovemusic33 · 29/01/2021 09:43

My dd would love that tshirt (she’s not trans btw but is pans) but I don’t see the point buying it for someone to make a point? He’s not going to wear it so it’s a waste of a gift? My dd doesn’t discus her sexuality with her father, tbh he’s not a great dad and we split years ago. I’m open minded but if my dd bought me this I would not wear it.

lottiegarbanzo · 29/01/2021 09:43

does she want influence his views

Yes, that was her explanation (believe me, I’ve tried to explain that it won’t work). The problem is that neither are willing to consider the other’s views!

That isn't the problem though, is it. The problem is that she doesn't respect him as a human being. (We don't know about vice versa). Without first recognising his humanity, then respecting him as a person, she has no chance of persuading him of anything.

If she's really set on bringing an issue he may not enjoy discussing, into his birthday gift (probably a bad and unkind idea in itself), then she needs to apply some imagination, to make it enjoyable for him.

For example, could she take him 'out' (probably 'in' at the moment) to a film on the subject, with popcorn and drinks, then a drink or meal afterwards, where they could discuss what they made of it, in a semi-adult way?

FOJN · 29/01/2021 09:46

so shocked about the hatred on here about trans

I know accusing people of being hateful has been effective in shaming people into silence but really it's been used so frequently it's lost all power to do that.
Women's rights are not hateful. I can see complexity is difficult for you but is is possible to advocate for women's rights and support trans rights at the same time. The DD isn't the only one with trans friends.
You're either with us or against us is such a binary mindset. I do hope you can appreciate the irony of that.

Crystal90567 · 29/01/2021 09:47

Mixed sex loos are awful. I wouldn't go to a place with them twice.
Every time in them I've felt uncomfortable. Once two men sang who let the dogs out to each other about me.

Daisysflowers · 29/01/2021 09:47

What did you say to your daughter when she had said what she had got?

Your update said they don’t have the best relationship as it is, so your daughter is definitely being spiteful would be better to buy nothing then something that’s going to cause arguments just for her to make a point.

ChocolateSantaisthebestkind · 29/01/2021 09:49

I think it is unbelievably rude to give a parent a present like that, very disrespectful. Neither of them should be thinking it is acceptable to force their views on others. Everyone holds different views and as long as there is no dogma or systematic pushing on to others that's OK. It's an important lesson to learn in life. Presumably your DH has been a decent parent to her, so why does she get to disrespect him in this way? Horrible. Nip it in the bud now OP, because she may say something to the wrong person and be very hurt and surprised by their reaction.

billybagpuss · 29/01/2021 09:49

Have you actually had a conversation with her saying how sad it would make him feel on his birthday and birthday gifts re supposed to be thoughtful and about the receiver, not an opportunity to score points unless you really don’t like them.

BlackBrowedAlbatross · 29/01/2021 09:50

If she gives it to him, then, were I him, I'd be buying her some literature about the holocaust, to remind her where that sort of dehumanising, dogmatic, totalitarianism (the telling other people what they may think, the particular message is irrelevant) ends.

Not a historian but fairly sure the Nazi movement didn't begin with a teenager winding up their Dad.

nothingcomestonothing · 29/01/2021 09:50

Yeah I agree, it's upsetting as it's not nice to have it pointed out to you that you're a dick by your own child. However, if it is necessary because you hold dickish viewpoints (don't know if you personally hold the same views as the DH) then quite honestly, I think the daughter's in the right. Birthday or not, if you're a dick to others you don't get to not ever have that pointed out because its uncomfortable or upsetting to you....maybe he should just try being less of a dick and then he could have a nice 'unsoured' birthday.

How do you know he's a dick? We don't even know what beliefs he holds, or why. And yet you've decided he only deserves a nice birthday if he changes his views. I think someone's being a dick...

itsalwayssunnyhere · 29/01/2021 09:51

The t-shirt is not gonna change his views or make him more inclusive, but it can cause troubles and quarrels.

FamilyOfAliens · 29/01/2021 09:54

Yeah I agree, it's upsetting as it's not nice to have it pointed out to you that you're a dick by your own child. However, if it is necessary because you hold dickish viewpoints (don't know if you personally hold the same views as the DH) then quite honestly, I think the daughter's in the right. Birthday or not, if you're a dick to others you don't get to not ever have that pointed out because its uncomfortable or upsetting to you....maybe he should just try being less of a dick and then he could have a nice 'unsoured' birthday.

So people who don’t agree that men can change sex to become women don’t deserve to be treated with respect on their birthday by their family?

You can really see where the “die in a fire” and “suck my girl-dick” thought processes come from, can’t you?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 29/01/2021 09:55

Actually I would tell your DH so he is warned in advance what to expect. He can then just open it, say thank you very much and move on to the next gift-which he can enjoy. That will take the wind out of sails a bit as I think it is a passive aggressive thing and she wants to create an argument, which is pretty unkind on his birthday. I would also tell her that I was disappointed about that unkindness and would expect more from her.

FamilyOfAliens · 29/01/2021 09:56

@FOJN

so shocked about the hatred on here about trans

I know accusing people of being hateful has been effective in shaming people into silence but really it's been used so frequently it's lost all power to do that.
Women's rights are not hateful. I can see complexity is difficult for you but is is possible to advocate for women's rights and support trans rights at the same time. The DD isn't the only one with trans friends.
You're either with us or against us is such a binary mindset. I do hope you can appreciate the irony of that.

^ This

AStudyinPink · 29/01/2021 09:57

Yeah I agree, it's upsetting as it's not nice to have it pointed out to you that you're a dick by your own child. However, if it is necessary because you hold dickish viewpoints (don't know if you personally hold the same views as the DH) then quite honestly, I think the daughter's in the right.

And yet we don’t know anything about what he believes so...

Hoppinggreen · 29/01/2021 10:00

@mamaoffourdc

Agreed it's not appropriate for his birthday gift however so shocked about the hatred on here about trans 😳🙄

I don’t see any, if you do please report it

AnarchicLemming · 29/01/2021 10:04

YANBU, definitely not.

It just makes her look really immature tbh.

It'll just antagonise him rather than paving the way to a helpful discussion. I'd tell her to send it back and work on her communication skills.

itsgettingweird · 29/01/2021 10:04

Perhaps he ought to be warned and get her a counter gift stating

"Some people can't respect others views"

It's fantastic she is confident enough to air her views. And personally I'm very each to their own. But I don't and won't force my views in others and I'm willing to listen to other viewpoints.

Something hopefully with age your dd will respect and understand.

Have you tried discussing with her about not allowing personal opinions to affect personal relationships?

ancientgran · 29/01/2021 10:05

@FamilyOfAliens

Sounds like you have a drug problem in your town, ancientgran.

Removing a single sex facility rather than just refurbishing it seems a strange way to tackle the problem, but there you go. The solution to women having to queue longer would be to provide more toilets for women, of course.

People on holiday don't always behave well. Unfortunately it might be people from your town causing problems in mine.

I can't see why anyone would feel it is safer to go into a block where anyone could be waiting to pounce on you, even people of the opposite sex because there isn't anyone controlling who goes in, rather than go into a secure, private room accessed from a public place. I just can't see the advantage. The privacy is much better, if you need to clean up you have washing facilities in there, and the access is equal, perhaps you haven't had experience with inadequate facilities for the disabled but often you have one disabled (horror it is also for use by men and women) when there is a block of 10, 12 or even 20 for men or women but I can assure you it is a great advantage for the disabled to have equal access. You also do away with the arguments about if it is OK to take a small boy into the women's block, which some women will object to, or do you let him go off alone into a block.

What do you see as the advantage of the blocks because with experience of both I can't see any.

Brainwave89 · 29/01/2021 10:06

Is this the only present she is getting him? I am a trans ally and I would be a bit miffed if this was my only present from my daughter on my birthday.

AudTheDeepAndCrispAndEven · 29/01/2021 10:07

Prewarn him and get him to cheerfully and gratefully accept it. Then he can stick it in a drawer and there's been no drama on his birthday! Perhaps also buy him a new shirt so he has an excuse not to wear the t-shirt on the dy!