AIBU to think DD’s taken this a step too far?

[usernamenotavailible]

DH’s birthday is coming up. DD16 just sent me a screenshot of a t-shirt she’s bought him (picture attached). DD is very PC and is big on inclusion, DH is very much not. Won’t add my personal views as I don’t want to influence anyone else, but I’m somewhere in between. AIBU to think DD shouldn’t have bought this and should I do anything?

@Mmn654123, I think that is for another thread entirely.

People are allowed their opinion. (You have yours, I have mine and I suspect they aren’t actually that far from each other).

My dcs are similar age. I am not always agreeing with them but I would always be open to listen to their idea and respect them. That’s not what I heard from the OP’s posts re her DH attitude towards his dd views.

X post with the OP.

I can see that unfortunately the DH has form then....

Also, as far as the instructional power of t-shirts goes, I owned a Frankie Says Relax t-shirt back in the day, and I definitely wasn't relaxed at all.

@Livelovebehappy

Typical action of a teen with their idealistic and black and white vision of the world. Hopefully dad will just laugh it off, and the only fallout being putting it at the bottom of his drawer. She will learn with age and life experiences that we are all entitled to our opinions.

I don't think it is typical at all. It is passive aggressive, spiteful, thoughtless and disrespectful. Plus it demonstrates total ingratitude towards her dad who presumably has loved and supported her for 16 years. There has been no suggestion that her dad deserves this, unless there is a whole back story the op has left out. A better way to share personal beliefs would be a calm conversation with evidence based arguments.

@usernamenotavailible

He definitely won’t take this as a joke. DH & DD don’t have the best relationship anyway, I doubt she’d do something like this for my birthday. I think DD might have a trans friend which is why this is so important to her (this isn’t the only thing they disagree on but she’s not done this before). Also saw the toilets argument earlier in the thread, we’ve tried to have that discussion and “it wouldn’t be a problem if toilets were mixed sex anyway” (don’t agree personally but that’s what she thinks). I’ll warn DH I think and then let him handle it.

Where I live, seaside resort, they have changed all the blocks of single sex toilets and made them all single toilets accessed from the road/prom and are all suitable for men/women/disabled/parent and child. Old grotty blocks now nice and clean and modern and you don't walk into a block wondering if you are going to bump into a drug deal, someone injecting or just a scary group. Ends the agonising about toilets as well. Even my husband, mid 70s, not very woke on trans issues thinks they are an improvement.

I've voted YABU because she's 16 and what she buys her dad for his birthday is up to her.

It's a shame that they have such a bad relationship but it's not up to you to fix it. And I mean that kindly.

If there will be an issue I’d tell him what she bought that way he will hopefully have time to fake the brilliant thanks response

Op you need to show her the article that the vast majority of sexual attacks on women happen in mixed sex spaces

Everything being mixed sex is not the panacea

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/women/sexual-assault-unisex-changing-rooms-sunday-times-women-risk-a8519086.html

This seems like the peak of privileged entitlement.

Does your daughter have a job op? Is this T-shirt - produced in a sweatshop from unsustainable materials by exploited workers and bought from an extremely unethical and problematic retailer, only to end up in landfill - being paid for with allowance money given to her by you and her dad?

It seems like a very expensive 'joke', though absolutely none of the cost is being borne by her.

I wonder how DD will react if dad buys her a birthday present that he knows will offend her? It isn't really the point of a present is it.

My friends son did something similar to this as a teenager, but with a birthday card. I was always surprised as his dad is a really lovely kind man who was very upset by this ‘gift’.

The son is now in his thirties and still thinks his opinion trumps everyone else’s. I think he was just spoilt as a child and never pulled up on his bad behaviour.
Personally I would be telling my daughter this is not happening.

Really, OP, I do think it's probably best that you talk her out of it beforehand rather than pre-warning him and telling him to force a smile. She won't learn anything from this, otherwise.

Now the OP drip feeds a bit more.
I still think dd is approaching this inappropriately though.

Is your daughter not familiar with the concept of presents? They are supposed to be something the recipient would enjoy. If she wants to influence his view by all means have a chat, or even give him the stupid tshirt but not as a birthday present.
I would say your DD lacks basic manners.
P. S. I am fully supportive of trans community, but the t-shirt is really bad taste

@jeaux90

Op you need to show her the article that the vast majority of sexual attacks on women happen in mixed sex spaces

Everything being mixed sex is not the panacea

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/women/sexual-assault-unisex-changing-rooms-sunday-times-women-risk-a8519086.html

I don't think unisex changing rooms are the whole picture, as I said above proper toilets accessed from a public place are much safer than the old fashioned blocks of toilets which aren't very safe places whether that be for bullying in schools or just privacy, a brick built completely self contained toilet as opposed to a flimsy cubicle in a block? Give me the proper self contained toilet any day.

The tee-shirt does not 'challenge established thinking' in any way whatsoever.

Kids are being taught this stuff in schools. The BBC had a teaching resource of '100 genders' that was only taken down yesterday.

Swallowing trans ideology wholesale without applying any critical thought whatsoever is in no way challenging the establishment. The 'establishment' is currently routinely setting children with gender dysphoria on a pathway which involves puberty blockers, cross-sex hormones and ultimately surgery. The establishment is currently being challenged over this through the courts.

The present itself is a mean-spirited gift, as any 16-year-old should well know.

I like the 'not all people are trains' idea suggested earlier!

@jeaux90

It's like asking an atheist to wear a religious slogan.

I think she needs to not centre her own views on his birthday

Buy him the standing for women t shirt OP, the one that says "man, adult human male'

He'd like that if he's GC

I have the hoody it's super snuggly

This. I’d get him to wear it whilst he is opening presents

@Hammonds

Love that idea

She needs to learn that if she wouldn’t want someone pressuring her to change her views, she shouldn’t do that to other people either.

Whatever the opposing views are the time to push hers isn’t via his bday present. It just looks petty and designed to cause conflict
His bday present should be about HIM not her

Hahahaha. She’s obviously annoyed that he doesn't accept trans people and is trying to wind him up. It's a waste of her money but she must think it's worth it.

He would be best to say 'I agree', thanks for getting me a present. And model that birthdays are not for disputes. And that one doesn't have to be woke to accept individual differences.

Would she need you to order it online or can 16 year olds order stuff themselves?

If they have a jokey relationship with presents like that then it's fine. But if it's given and received as an argument then it's not a good idea.

She's not an opinionated teen shes a very rude teen who is being very calculated and disrespectful.

I'm also assuming she doesn't have a part time job and the money to pay for this present actually came from you and her Dad which makes the whole situation even worse.