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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSS stole money off me and mum won’t pay it back.

265 replies

TheBadElfParade · 28/01/2021 15:02

I’m utterly furious about the situation.

DSS’s mum found some money in DSS’s pocket the other night when she picked him up from school. He was with us the evening before as she was poorly.

He told her that we had given it to him when she questioned it. My partner got aN unexpected text and said he hadn’t given him anything.

Low and behold, we have some money missing.

My partner picked him up From school And asked him about it. For the record he is 7, but knows that it is wrong to steal as we have had a similar situation before With him, in addition to lying.

He got upset and admitted where the money was from and that at he found it when he was sneaking around in our bedroom and took it. He was playing with my child at the time but didn’t tell my child he had found it. Both of our children know not to go in the bedroom without our permission. This happened at the weekend We are presuming so he had kept on to this money for a few days.

My partner messaged and explained what had happened and asked for it back.

We got a reply saying not that’s not what he told me, and that she had put it in an breakable piggy bank so we can’t have it.

Am I being unreasonable to be fuming with her about this and want my money back? We are obviously ups about the whole ordeal and my partner is struggling with the fact he would steal off us in the first place. This is the second time she has deliberately kept on to our money when we had a shadow payment of double child maintenance going through one month and she kept on to it for three weeks, even after we informed her that the loss was affecting household bills. She’s not the kind of person to be kind to myself or my partner at all. She has threatened that if my partner dares takes it out of maintenance next month (it’s not a CMS plan, it’s a private arrangement between themselves) she will mention it in court.

OP posts:
RapunzelHadExtensions · 28/01/2021 19:27

YANBU and the mum is setting a shit example to him.

RapunzelHadExtensions · 28/01/2021 19:29

@VettiyaIruken exactly 👏

Same4Walls · 28/01/2021 19:30

@VettiyaIruken

I don't understand why anyone thinks this is ok.

Is it because a stepmum is always in the wrong? Dad entered into another relationship? Is it because it's cash? If it was, let's say, a watch that belonged to the op. The ss took it, the mum said no you can't have it back. It's his now. It's gone in his lockbox under his bed? Would that be ok? The item was stolen. The item is physically in the mother's house. The mother knows it belongs to the op. Knows exactly where it is. Why should it not be returned? It's no less her property than a watch, a ring, earrings, a scarf, it doesn't matter what it is, it matters whose it is.

Kids do stupid, impulsive shit. That's why they are supposed to have parents to model the right way to behave!

It's in a kids money box FFS. Not Fort bloody Knox! Of course she can get it.

This sums it up so well. I'm genuinely baffeld as to what thread some of those replying are reading. 👏👏
Cuntitinthebin · 28/01/2021 19:35

I’m not sure why his mum is to blame here as if she was intentionally trying to steal the money she wouldn’t have texted and admitted it.

But she is intentionally keeping it and not returning it, and for that she is solely to blame.

toocold54 · 28/01/2021 19:40

The OP isn't blaming his mother for the son stealing she's quite rightly blaming her for being dishonest and not returning the money.

How is she being dishonest when she is the one who texted to say he had it before OP even realised it was missing.
Surely if she was a dishonest person she wouldn’t have done this?

Cuntitinthebin · 28/01/2021 19:42

BECAUSE SHE'S REFUSING TO GIVE IT BACK!

Geppili · 28/01/2021 19:42

@Griselda1 great post!

Same4Walls · 28/01/2021 19:43

How is she being dishonest when she is the one who texted to say he had it before OP even realised it was missing.
Surely if she was a dishonest person she wouldn’t have done this?

She's dishonest because she knows the money isn't her sons and that he stole it yet she's still not returning it.

I have no reason for why she text only she knows that but how can anyone say what she is doing is anything but dishonest??

INeedMyGirl · 28/01/2021 19:44

So his mum has taken money from him that he's taken from you? She's as bad as he is - the apple doesn't fall far, as they say Confused you have every right to be upset!

itsgettingweird · 28/01/2021 19:51

@toocold54

Anyone who's child comes home with a £20 note which you assume isn't there's (she clearly didn't think you gave it him hence the text) should keep it safe until they find out the truth or rightful owner.

I would agree with this if the child went to a friends house but if they went to a parents I’d assume they gave it to them as pocket money which many parents do.

But she didn't assume they gave it as the parent. She text to ask. And was told they hadn't.

So she knew and had her suspicions confirmed.

Youseethethingis · 28/01/2021 19:51

'Steal' is a word with a lot of judgment in it
How do you normally describe the actions of taking something that doesn’t belong to you?
Anyway, if £20 is such a big deal, don't have it lying around
Nonsense. The OP has a right to keep her own money in her own bag in her own house. The kid is the one who needs to be kept out of where he has no business being.
I can’t believe this is even a thread.
The mother is keeping something she knows is stolen, it’s so black and white the grey area might as well be on Jupiter.

Mittens030869 · 28/01/2021 20:04

@Youseethethingis I agree, I can't believe the lengths some people go to in order to make the mum the innocent party. Why they feel that this has to be the case, I really don't understand.

CoffeeRunner · 28/01/2021 20:18

You have two separate problems. DSS stealing (which you are happy you’ve dealt with). His mum condoning stealing by allowing him to keep the money (albeit in a sealed money box).

One is the action of a child & therefore utterly forgivable. It’s the boy’s mum’s actions I can’t get my head around.

Shaniac · 28/01/2021 20:35

Once again mn provides the anti sm entertainment.

Op im sorry this happened and that your husbands ex is a thief who is now teaching her child that theft is ok. As others have said take that 20 out of next months maintenance.

InTheDrunkTank · 28/01/2021 20:40

Of course she should pay it back. The unbreakable piggy bank is her bad luck she needs to pay you back.

I have to say I stole money as a kid. I don't think I had any other reason than wanting it and half thinking that for my parents money never ran out.

AliceinBunniland · 28/01/2021 20:44

I'm surprised at the number of people who think it's okay to just keep someone else's money after their child brought home what wasn't theirs

Sisterlove · 28/01/2021 20:48

@Chloemol

I think what you do if the mother won’t give it back is tell her, and the child, it’s part of his birthday present this year, and get him what you would, less this money
I think this is a good idea.

He shouldn't to keep £20 he knows he shouldn't have taken.

pumpkinsoups · 28/01/2021 20:56

Yeah he's told him off about it. He's doing his bit! Mum isn't

So Dad's only responsibility is to tell hm off but Mum has to pay when it's their DS that has the money and not the Mum? Yeah, that's fair Shock

How do you know that his mother hasn't told him off?

AaronPurr · 28/01/2021 21:01

but Mum has to pay when it's their DS that has the money and not the Mum? Yeah, that's fair

I know you're being srcastic, but yes you're right it's totally fair.

The mum has allowed her son to keep £20 which she knows he has stolen from the OP. Since she isn't making him return the money then she should be the one to return the money. If she feels out of pocket she can always take it back from her son when the piggy bank if it even exists is broken into.

Bollss · 28/01/2021 21:02

@pumpkinsoups

Yeah he's told him off about it. He's doing his bit! Mum isn't

So Dad's only responsibility is to tell hm off but Mum has to pay when it's their DS that has the money and not the Mum? Yeah, that's fair Shock

How do you know that his mother hasn't told him off?

she put the money in the piggy bank. That was her fault. She should return it she isn't paying, she's simply giving the money back.

I'd be very surprised if she has considering her attitude that it is okay to steal.

funinthesun19 · 28/01/2021 21:04

The mum is a disgrace. She needs to give the money back. There’s just no excuse. If she doesn’t then she’s a thief for keeping someone else’s money.

It’s £20 that doesn’t belong to her and it’s £20 better in the op’s hands than the ex’s. it might be a “small amount” but £20 can be very much needed at times. And even if the op doesn’t really need it, it doesn’t belong to the ex so she needs to break the piggy bank or give it out of her own money and then retrieve the £20 herself at a later date if she doesn’t want to smash it. Or keep tipping it to see if she can somehow pull it out.

VettiyaIruken · 28/01/2021 21:09

The son is 7. The money is in his bedroom in the home he shares with his mother. It's physically right there in her house.
Of course it's her responsibility to return it. It's not his property. It's in her home. Should the dad go over and get it back? Next time the child goes to his dad's she should make sure he takes the money that he has in his bedroom that belongs to the op with him.

MakeWorkYourNewFavourite · 28/01/2021 21:10

@SionnachRua I don't know why she's jealous. It's just the way she comes across.
I didn't know this was something that got trotted out. I've always assumed old wife gets jealous of new wife. I've rarely seen it the other way around.
I've never been married. And nobody's ever left me (yet), so I don't have a "side". It just seems that OP really dislikes the woman.

Youseethethingis · 28/01/2021 21:23

It just seems that OP really dislikes the woman
I dislike her too. Not jealous of her dad little life where she gets her thrills helping her child to steal from others either.

Youseethethingis · 28/01/2021 21:23

*sad

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