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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DSS stole money off me and mum won’t pay it back.

265 replies

TheBadElfParade · 28/01/2021 15:02

I’m utterly furious about the situation.

DSS’s mum found some money in DSS’s pocket the other night when she picked him up from school. He was with us the evening before as she was poorly.

He told her that we had given it to him when she questioned it. My partner got aN unexpected text and said he hadn’t given him anything.

Low and behold, we have some money missing.

My partner picked him up From school And asked him about it. For the record he is 7, but knows that it is wrong to steal as we have had a similar situation before With him, in addition to lying.

He got upset and admitted where the money was from and that at he found it when he was sneaking around in our bedroom and took it. He was playing with my child at the time but didn’t tell my child he had found it. Both of our children know not to go in the bedroom without our permission. This happened at the weekend We are presuming so he had kept on to this money for a few days.

My partner messaged and explained what had happened and asked for it back.

We got a reply saying not that’s not what he told me, and that she had put it in an breakable piggy bank so we can’t have it.

Am I being unreasonable to be fuming with her about this and want my money back? We are obviously ups about the whole ordeal and my partner is struggling with the fact he would steal off us in the first place. This is the second time she has deliberately kept on to our money when we had a shadow payment of double child maintenance going through one month and she kept on to it for three weeks, even after we informed her that the loss was affecting household bills. She’s not the kind of person to be kind to myself or my partner at all. She has threatened that if my partner dares takes it out of maintenance next month (it’s not a CMS plan, it’s a private arrangement between themselves) she will mention it in court.

OP posts:
prh47bridge · 28/01/2021 17:16

Deduct it from child maintenance. Let her mention it in court. Maintenance and contact are not related. The court won't be interested. The only thing she is likely to achieve is to demonstrate to the court that she is unreasonable, which won't go help her.

Littlepaws18 · 28/01/2021 17:16

Hi we are having difficulties with my DSS who is slightly older but these difficulties are a cry for help. He is a mess. He struggles going from a home with no rules to a home with boundaries. He has never been given a good foundation of morals so he struggles to make good choices- his choices are made based on what he can get out of it.

You DSS has done this twice now, he clearly didn't learn from the first incident and he still may do this in the future- but to unravel the reason why he thinks stealing is ok is a difficult process but it needs to happen before he can be retaught the right way so when he makes future decisions he makes good choices.

As for punishment yes taking away tv etc is a good deterrent buts it's not teaching him why it's wrong.

My DSS did something fairly serious then a week later did another serious thing. We have removed everything electronic for the foreseeable. We have spoken to him about what he has done and I have done a pshce style lesson with him outlining the causes and consequences of his issue. But in the Long term that's not enough. To get his electronics back he needs to show in his actions that he is responding to what we said to him. Part of that is lies, he has to overtime regain our trust through his actions. Then we made some family values which we chose together and we are all going to follow. And reward for using these in action.

It isn't easy to reprogram a kid who has had a life time of poor parenting but we aren't going to give in. Your issue isn't as extreme as ours but it could be a start of things to come because essentially he's going to make decisions based on what he thinks again and these might not have great outcomes.

user1471538283 · 28/01/2021 17:18

Unfortunately some children steal. However, £20 is a lot of money especially at the moment. I would deduct it from his mother's maintenance. If she kicks off go via the CMS.

Littlepaws18 · 28/01/2021 17:20

As for his mother- note that she won't give the £20 back, it shows that she isn't the best role model, because what's that saying to her son- he got away with it!!!

Don't give her an inch in the future, any future favour has gone out of the window!

Coffeehunter · 28/01/2021 17:21

@Winniewonka I have step parents and managed to get through life without stealing from them
Being unhappy doesn't make stealing alright.

agonyauntie2020 · 28/01/2021 17:21

Bear with me here, for a different angle:

So far, no-one's mentioned the fact that the child's mum found the money in his pocket -and immediately contacted her ex- to ask about it. If she was just out for stealing, why wouldn't she just have pocketed it and asked/said nothing?

Maybe she asked because if it came from school or a friend, she would have returned it. Maybe she hasn't t returned it because she's got some stored up anger against her ex or believes he owes his son? (OP's referred to court cases etc, we don't know the background). Not saying this is right of course, just wondering if it's a potential explanation for the crazy "in an unbreakable piggy bank" story (I love the comment where a PP says 'she knows it doesn't have to be the original twenty note, she can give any note back right?') If she's telling the truth about the unbreakable piggy bank, it suggests she's keeping it for her son (again because she might believe he's entitled to it). Please don't flame me, I am not saying her keeping it for herself or for her son is right, but I do wonder if there might be some benefit to looking at things from all angles here.

One thing -- OP has referred to "my child" three times now. Is her partner her child's father? If so, "my child" is DSS's DSB? Even if he's not genetically related, he's still DSB isn't he? The emphasis on "my child" is a bit "othering" for want of a better word. Does DSS pick up on this "my child" vs. "my partner's child" and is it hurtful to him? He last stole on "my child's" birthday. Was he feeling left out and sad?

I ask this because to me, a 7 year old stealing money like that, how is he going to spend it? Is he really stealing for himself because at 7, he's a thief, or bad genes like the OP says, or is he acting out in the way young children do, and does this acting out need dealing with in terms of underlying causes as opposed to action-consequence (remove the electronics vs trying to get to the bottom of why he did it)?

I'm probably too much of a bleeding heart but I think of this little kid taking something from his DSB's (genetic or not) birthday, and getting into a lot of trouble (=attention) for it, and then doing it again a year later (when is the birthday actually, OP, is it soon, is it being planned for etc?). OP's painted a picture of an atmosphere that is likely tense at home, the court case, the family money trouble's because of OP's partner's loss of hours, her own stress. Kids pick up on it all.

Sorry OP for your stress in general and over this. I don't mean to cast aspersions on anything you've done or said, but maybe just wonder if a bit more attention to your DSS's feelings might prevent a recurrence?

As for the mum, well, I'd buy another unbreakable piggy bank, fiver off amazon etc, and ask for the first one to be broken so your DSS can bring the money back and give the new one instead. I know you shouldn't have to spend the fiver but you'd make the point with her that you're not going to be a pushover, now or in the future.

At the risk of some godawful flaming I might also try to have a civil conversation with her and ask her why she's set on keeping the money, since it seems so clearly wrong. If she's got no rationale at all, and it seems opportunistic trousering, at least you've modeled civil behaviour.

Viviennemary · 28/01/2021 17:22

He should not be allowed back into your house until the money is repaid.

LadyCatStark · 28/01/2021 17:27

@Devlesko

No, sorry don't get it, must be me. If one of my kids stole from me, then their pocket money would be stopped or similar. The child has two parents it's not the mothers fault the lad stole the money. Two households shouldn't make a difference when you have had a child together.
But the money is still physically there. The mum doesn’t have to pay it back she hair has to give it back, if she doesn’t then actually, she is stealing too.

For example, if my DS stole from a school friend (not that he would hopefully!) and I found the money and told the school friends’ mum but said that I was keeping the money, would that be OK?

Frazzled99 · 28/01/2021 17:27

Utterly disgusting behaviour from the mother. She has effectively stolen from you by keeping that money. Take it out if her maintenance and ignore her threat of mentioning it in. If she does I'm sure the court will agree with you!

Borisjohnsonshairbrush · 28/01/2021 17:27

She is also a thief in that case so let it go to court.

PamDenick · 28/01/2021 17:28

Give me your PayPal.
I'll pay you the £20.
And let this go.
All this animosity is no good for anyone.

And breathe…
(I don't think he'll do it again…)

TheBadElfParade · 28/01/2021 17:30

@agonyauntie2020 bloody hell mate way to overthink my lingo, you’ll be picking apart the philosophy of my username next Grin

I used the terms ‘my child’ and ‘DP’s child’ as a way to communicate simply over the situation to the mumsnet community In regards to this thread. I don’t call them that to their faces or in any other situation NOR do they get treated differently. Apart from some issues, this being one of them, we are a very happy beautiful blended family who makes the most of our situation and time together. Please don’t pick apart my words and make a fictional situation that is one other to my own. This is about my DSS’s mum willingly keeping my money when she knows it’s mine and blatantly telling me she’s not returning it.

OP posts:
Icenii · 28/01/2021 17:33

The mother is a thief. Yet, as a step parent, you will just have to accept that she is in the right, and you are in the wrong, as people on here will support the mother because they lack emotional intelligence.

RandomMess · 28/01/2021 17:35

TBH I would check out the CMS amount you should pay and just pay that from now on. She's blown the goodwill she had!!

At least then all the DC can benefit from having more money in your household.

Bibidy · 28/01/2021 17:35

@TheBadElfParade

Does my partner have a right to take it out of maintenance? He doesn’t want to make things worse for himself she can be very cruel when it comes to contact with his son.
Definitely. He's already 'given' her the £20 in cash so just take £20 off the next maintenance payment.
Radio4Rocks · 28/01/2021 17:35

Still the step mother haters try to attack. Pathetic.

TheBadElfParade · 28/01/2021 17:36

@Icenii oh yes silly me, I need to keep quiet and be put in my place Grin It is true that a stepmother can never do right, especially when it comes to her own property Flowers

OP posts:
Same4Walls · 28/01/2021 17:38

@Radio4Rocks

Still the step mother haters try to attack. Pathetic.
It certainly feels like the OP is wrong in this situation simply by virtue of being a step mother. He DSS stole money from her his mother had possession of that money and yet somehow she isn't expected to return it just because the OP is a step parent??
Bibidy · 28/01/2021 17:39

How are people defending the mum's actions here?

She has literally stolen this money! She could break the bloody piggy bank and get it out. Or if she doesn't want to, she could hand over another £20 and know that she still has the £20 in the piggy bank...she's not wouldn't be out of pocket at all, she's just being difficult.

Tbh it sounds to me like she's just spent it and so doesn't want to give it back.

Winniewonka · 28/01/2021 17:40

@Coffeehunter - no, it doesn't make it alright to steal if you're unhappy and at no point did I say it did. Nor did I say all unhappy children steal from their step parents. In the case of this child from what the OP has told us, his Mother doesn't seem a particular nice person. Maybe I didn't express it clearly but I meant that maybe the 7 year is trying to recreate what the other children have who HIS is father now living with.
And I'll say as I did before that the money should be returned.

Beautiful3 · 28/01/2021 17:40

I would actually deduct it from his next birthday money and explain that's it's £20 short to repay what he stole.

Same4Walls · 28/01/2021 17:42

How are people defending the mum's actions here?

The only 2 reasons I can think of are:

  1. The OP is a step parent.
  2. The posters agreeing with the mum are so poor at reading comprehension they have wildly misunderstood the situation.

I honesty cannot think of any other reasons why anyone thinks the mum shouldn't return the money. Confused

fairynick · 28/01/2021 17:43

I would tell the child that their punishment is to bring the piggy bank with them next time they’re round, smash it even though it isn’t ready, return the £20 and out of the rest of the savings buy a new piggy bank.
No wonder he’s stealing if he has a mother like that, what a terrible person she sounds.

Icenii · 28/01/2021 17:43

I wouldn't deduct from the child. It sounds like it is not accessible to him to pay back.

AStudyinPink · 28/01/2021 17:44

sounds like it is not accessible to him to pay back

Rubbish. Get a hammer, break the piggy. You don’t get to keep stuff you steal, end of story.

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