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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DSS stole money off me and mum won’t pay it back.

265 replies

TheBadElfParade · 28/01/2021 15:02

I’m utterly furious about the situation.

DSS’s mum found some money in DSS’s pocket the other night when she picked him up from school. He was with us the evening before as she was poorly.

He told her that we had given it to him when she questioned it. My partner got aN unexpected text and said he hadn’t given him anything.

Low and behold, we have some money missing.

My partner picked him up From school And asked him about it. For the record he is 7, but knows that it is wrong to steal as we have had a similar situation before With him, in addition to lying.

He got upset and admitted where the money was from and that at he found it when he was sneaking around in our bedroom and took it. He was playing with my child at the time but didn’t tell my child he had found it. Both of our children know not to go in the bedroom without our permission. This happened at the weekend We are presuming so he had kept on to this money for a few days.

My partner messaged and explained what had happened and asked for it back.

We got a reply saying not that’s not what he told me, and that she had put it in an breakable piggy bank so we can’t have it.

Am I being unreasonable to be fuming with her about this and want my money back? We are obviously ups about the whole ordeal and my partner is struggling with the fact he would steal off us in the first place. This is the second time she has deliberately kept on to our money when we had a shadow payment of double child maintenance going through one month and she kept on to it for three weeks, even after we informed her that the loss was affecting household bills. She’s not the kind of person to be kind to myself or my partner at all. She has threatened that if my partner dares takes it out of maintenance next month (it’s not a CMS plan, it’s a private arrangement between themselves) she will mention it in court.

OP posts:

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 28/01/2021 15:28

Tell mother Fagin that its coming out of the child maintenance money as you don't condone stealing and neither should she.

AStudyinPink · 28/01/2021 15:28

I would take out of maintenance, yes. She has the money, that’s admitted. She’s not out of pocket if you keep the £20 back.

Same4Walls · 28/01/2021 15:29

The child has two parents it's not the mothers fault the lad stole the money.

No one is saying its the mothers fault. Nevertheless she let her 7 year old keep 20 quid despite not knowing where it was from or if he was given it. Then she's put it into a breakable piggy bank so she should absolutely be paying it back and then she can take the £20 back when she breaks the piggy bank.

harknesswitch · 28/01/2021 15:29

@TheBadElfParade if she won't give it back the you either take it out if her next maint payment or the next time she asks for money for something tell her she can use the £20.

lemonysnickett88 · 28/01/2021 15:29

I'd take it out of the maintenance. If she mentions it to the court then you have text message proof I presume to show reasoning why.

WeddingGirl2021 · 28/01/2021 15:30

@Devlesko

No, sorry don't get it, must be me. If one of my kids stole from me, then their pocket money would be stopped or similar. The child has two parents it's not the mothers fault the lad stole the money. Two households shouldn't make a difference when you have had a child together.

The mother isn’t going to be out of pocket though, the OP just wants the original, actual £20 note back!

It’s not like her step son has spent or lost the money and they’re expecting her to replace it with her own money.

lemonysnickett88 · 28/01/2021 15:30

It's no wonder he steals money is it if his mum acts like that? She has essentially stolen it by putting it in the piggy bank.

Original poster

TheBadElfParade · 28/01/2021 15:30

@Indecisive12 no it’s not. There has been some welfare concerns on his mother’s side over the years, and my partner has seen his so. Change in front of his eyes. we know this isn’t normal behaviour. It’s been difficult and we are trying our best to provide him a stable and safe environment when he is here. we are getting there, the behaviour was much worse a few years back.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/01/2021 15:32

I’ve no idea about the legality of this. My thoughts are that she has pocketed the money rather than put it in the piggy bank.

Cherrysoup · 28/01/2021 15:32

No, sorry don't get it, must be me.
If one of my kids stole from me, then their pocket money would be stopped or similar.
The child has two parents it's not the mothers fault the lad stole the money.
Two households shouldn't make a difference when you have had a child together.

What about his mother refusing to return the unspent money and putting in his piggy bank don’t you get? She was told he wasn’t given it, it is depriving nobody to return it, she’s not having to take money from her account to repay it.

Original poster

TheBadElfParade · 28/01/2021 15:33

For those who said make the child do chores to earn it back, he has had his actions dealt with my what we thought was appropriate and that was taking the tv away. It’s been dealt with.

I’m not going to punish him further for his mother’s actions, that would be cruel.

OP posts:

Notapheasantplucker · 28/01/2021 15:35

Definitely take it out of the maintenance. She's basically teaching him that it's ok to steal.

DaisyHeadMaisy · 28/01/2021 15:37

Do you have children OP? If her maintenance was reduced because your partner now lives with you and your DCs I can see why she feels entitled to pocket 20 quid here and there. It happened to my sister, the maintenance she recieved was pathetic before the reduction, then when he moved his GF in it was reduced even further.

AryaStarkWolf · 28/01/2021 15:37

@TheBadElfParade

Does my partner have a right to take it out of maintenance? He doesn’t want to make things worse for himself she can be very cruel when it comes to contact with his son.

If she doesn't have a formal maintenance agreement then he can, like a pp said if she does take him to court and brings it up make sure he saves the texts to counter her accusation

Same4Walls · 28/01/2021 15:39

If her maintenance was reduced because your partner now lives with you and your DCs I can see why she feels entitled to pocket 20 quid here and there.

A reduction of maintenance whilst rubbish still doesn't give anyone the right to steal money.

PeachesAndCreamy · 28/01/2021 15:39

why should the mother have to pay it back, that's weird

She's not paying it back. She's just giving back money that isn't hers (or her son's) to keep.

It doesn't really send a great message to DS letting him keep money he stole from his Dad in his piggy bank does it.

Mulhollandmagoo · 28/01/2021 15:39

@Devlesko yeah, its you!

OP's SS stole a £20, his mum found it, and kept it knowing here it was from and wont give it back.

The reason she should give it back is because she has the money that her son stole! I'd be frigging mortified and hand it back straight away

Dogscanteatonions · 28/01/2021 15:40

She absolutely should give you the money back.

However, is the child maintenance an amount set by the CMS? If so then no you can't deduct from it. If this was allowed can you imagine the strife this would cause? "I paid for the kid's haircut so I'm deducting it from this month's payment" etc etc.

If it's an amount agreed between your DH and his ex then yes by all means deduct it but you also have to consider the price on terms of deteriorating relations between you all. It is shit though

AStudyinPink · 28/01/2021 15:40

why should the mother have to pay it back, that's weird

Because she has it.

Indecisive12 · 28/01/2021 15:40

[quote TheBadElfParade]@Indecisive12 no it’s not. There has been some welfare concerns on his mother’s side over the years, and my partner has seen his so. Change in front of his eyes. we know this isn’t normal behaviour. It’s been difficult and we are trying our best to provide him a stable and safe environment when he is here. we are getting there, the behaviour was much worse a few years back.[/quote]
Poor kid. Glad he has stability when with you, it’s awful what some people (his Mum) put their kids through and the effect on them at such a young age. It speaks volumes about her as a person that she won’t give it back and you seem like you know you’re going to have an uphill struggle dealing with his behaviour.
It’s just so sad.

Original poster

TheBadElfParade · 28/01/2021 15:41

@DaisyHeadMaisy absolutely nothing to do with this situation, in no means whatsoever will she ever be entitled to my money.

Yes I have children, and no my partner has never reduced his maintenance even after moving in with me. She has a full time job, a full time working partner at home also she’s not a single struggling parent who’s getting stung she’s just bloody greedy, entitled and selfish.

OP posts:

guffaux · 28/01/2021 15:42

if mumhas put it in the child's piggybank, she has denied him the opportunity to return it- ie make amends for his wrong-doing; speak to the child- he's admitted it and been forgiven, now you've all made up,start an age-appropriate discussion about how we make amends, for example if you had broken something of his, you would replace it, ask him how he wants to make amends- eg repay out o pocket,money, or bring his piggybank to you- let him choose from a couple of options, so he is in control and not being forced/punished in a way he might feel is unfair.

Mochatatts · 28/01/2021 15:44

My eldest once stole all the silver from his cousins piggy bank, she was 2 or 3 and shared with her sister of about 8. He was probably around the same age, 7 or 8. He knew full well stealing was wrong. It totalled about £4.50. I was fuming, told my brother and then emptied my eldests piggy bank, he had about the same amount in his. The next time we went he returned the money he stole, and the money from his piggy bank and apologised. Stealing is wrong. As is lying. When did people stop being parents and letting their kids get away with such behaviour.
His mother is being ridiculous and should be equally angry and disappointed that her child behaved this way. But then I guess some people don't like to admit their precious little angels could possibly have done anything wrong.

Bollss · 28/01/2021 15:46

@DaisyHeadMaisy

you can see why she feels entitled to STEAL?

Wow. Just, fucking... wow.

Chloemol · 28/01/2021 15:48

I think what you do if the mother won’t give it back is tell her, and the child, it’s part of his birthday present this year, and get him what you would, less this money

In future I would be checking pockets before he went home

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