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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSS stole money off me and mum won’t pay it back.

265 replies

TheBadElfParade · 28/01/2021 15:02

I’m utterly furious about the situation.

DSS’s mum found some money in DSS’s pocket the other night when she picked him up from school. He was with us the evening before as she was poorly.

He told her that we had given it to him when she questioned it. My partner got aN unexpected text and said he hadn’t given him anything.

Low and behold, we have some money missing.

My partner picked him up From school And asked him about it. For the record he is 7, but knows that it is wrong to steal as we have had a similar situation before With him, in addition to lying.

He got upset and admitted where the money was from and that at he found it when he was sneaking around in our bedroom and took it. He was playing with my child at the time but didn’t tell my child he had found it. Both of our children know not to go in the bedroom without our permission. This happened at the weekend We are presuming so he had kept on to this money for a few days.

My partner messaged and explained what had happened and asked for it back.

We got a reply saying not that’s not what he told me, and that she had put it in an breakable piggy bank so we can’t have it.

Am I being unreasonable to be fuming with her about this and want my money back? We are obviously ups about the whole ordeal and my partner is struggling with the fact he would steal off us in the first place. This is the second time she has deliberately kept on to our money when we had a shadow payment of double child maintenance going through one month and she kept on to it for three weeks, even after we informed her that the loss was affecting household bills. She’s not the kind of person to be kind to myself or my partner at all. She has threatened that if my partner dares takes it out of maintenance next month (it’s not a CMS plan, it’s a private arrangement between themselves) she will mention it in court.

OP posts:
Same4Walls · 28/01/2021 18:45

'Steal' is a word with a lot of judgment in it.

No it isn't. Steal is exactly what this child has done. He might be only 7 but he still knows and understands it's wrong to take things that don't belong to him.

Mittens030869 · 28/01/2021 18:45

@marriedyoung

I admit that thought never occurred to me, maybe there was an aspect of that. But the game she played (pretending to have found it outside) made me think she wanted a reaction. She didn't just take the money and hide it. She's also always had form for misbehaving and then acting up, clearly looking for a reaction.

She's always been very young for her age emotionally.

Raindancer411 · 28/01/2021 18:46

She is rewarding him by keeping it as he has profited now. Either that or she has kept it herself.

I would be making the DSS work it on with some small chores around the house.

MustardMitt · 28/01/2021 18:51

@pumpkinsoups

He's stealing because his mother does nothing to discourage him and then makes herself complicit by keeping the profits of his theft

Why does the mother bear all the responsibiity? It's up to his father as well.

What exactly is it that you don’t understand?

The father has laid down consequences and they have had stern talkings to. The mother is the person who will not return the stolen money.

What else does the dad need to do?

midlifesomething · 28/01/2021 18:52

I can remember stealing money from my parents at a similar age, obviously I can’t really explain why as I was so young but I can remember doing it out out anger or spite or some emotional need. I didn’t even keep the money, I slid the notes down the side of a the bath panel and years later it was found. Like others have said the money may not have been taken out of greed but some kind of cry for attention - just a theory.

MakeWorkYourNewFavourite · 28/01/2021 18:58

Wow! You really don't like your partner's ex, do you? Your partner is equally responsable for the kid's upbringing and it happened on his watch. It's up to him and the mother of his child, isn't it? You sound very jealous.

samanthawashington · 28/01/2021 18:58

Deduct it from his next birthday present, however long that is. Let him know you will do this, and when you have done it.

Macncheeseballs · 28/01/2021 19:01

I feel sorry for the child, hes only 7

Lachimolala · 28/01/2021 19:01

Hmmm something tells me it’s not in the child’s piggy bank in the slightest.

Same4Walls · 28/01/2021 19:01

@MakeWorkYourNewFavourite

Wow! You really don't like your partner's ex, do you? Your partner is equally responsable for the kid's upbringing and it happened on his watch. It's up to him and the mother of his child, isn't it? You sound very jealous.
Hmm Can you please explain how can the childs father rectify the situation? He has issued a punishment but he cannot physically get the money back and that's the issue. It's soley down to the mother to get the money back to the OP as she has it in her house.
MorganKitten · 28/01/2021 19:05

@TheBadElfParade

I don’t think it’s an attention thing, he can be very sneaky and will lie about anything really. His mum is similar and it’s an unfortunate circumstance but it’s the cards we have been dealt with. The latest big one was when he stole off my child, a lot of upset there. It’s not a nice situation to be in but we are trying our best to teach morals and there are rules in the house. He can be challenging but we do our best to make sure our home environment is stable for him. This is the first time he has openly admitted something so serious which is a step forward, it would have never happened before.
It’s an attention thing, I’ve seen it a lot with children I work with.
Emeraldshamrock · 28/01/2021 19:07

His DM is setting a bad example teaching DSS you lose you suffer in this case.
I don't think I'd stop it from her maintenance it'll cause unnecessary stress for you all.
If sticky fingers steals again let him spend the day with his hands in honey.
I'm sorry it is tough financially £20 is a lot when you're broke.

FiFia · 28/01/2021 19:10

I very much doubt the money is in the piggy bank. What kind of example is this to be setting to a child. He will just do it again as he’s got away with it, meaning he got to keep it (if it is in his piggy bank)

However, I think you’ll find his mother took it so therefore the boy will not be given the opportunity to redeem himself

I’d take it out of her maintenance

Lurcherloves · 28/01/2021 19:13

The real issue here is the atmosphere this is creating in your family home. There is going to be tension and you will now feel suspicious of him and concerned at this behaviour around your DC. The mother should deal with this issue with her son as it is in the son’s best interests for her to do so. It is awful parenting to allow your children to think taking and keeping money they shouldn’t is ok. It also displays a very negative attitude to you and your DH. I think it is actually parental alienation of your DH.

SionnachRua · 28/01/2021 19:14

@MakeWorkYourNewFavourite

Wow! You really don't like your partner's ex, do you? Your partner is equally responsable for the kid's upbringing and it happened on his watch. It's up to him and the mother of his child, isn't it? You sound very jealous.
I love it when this line gets trotted out. What does she have to be jealous of, exactly?
Emeraldshamrock · 28/01/2021 19:14

Most DC pinch at one point. I stole a coin and made it muddy pretending I found it in the muck.
DM knew she gave me the opportunity to tell the truth I lied the pangs of guilt over that 50p. Grin

Cuntitinthebin · 28/01/2021 19:16

Some of the responses are truly bizarre.

Are we not reading the same thing??

itsgettingweird · 28/01/2021 19:17

Take out the family and relationship bit.

Anyone who's child comes home with a £20 note which you assume isn't there's (she clearly didn't think you gave it him hence the text) should keep it safe until they find out the truth or rightful owner.

Then make their child hand it back personally.

The best consequence for stealing is having to face the person whilst you hand it back.

Icenii · 28/01/2021 19:18

Some people are just thick, and some believe that a stepmum is always jealous of the first wife and her property is up for grabs.

Jeremyironseverything · 28/01/2021 19:21

Yanbu.

The Apple doesn't fall far from the tree. His mother should be making a big deal of returning it. Poor kid. He has no chance with his mother setting that example.

toocold54 · 28/01/2021 19:22

I’m not sure why his mum is to blame here as if she was intentionally trying to steal the money she wouldn’t have texted and admitted it.

If I was his mum I would have made him take it back and give an apology as part of his punishment- but I don’t think she should be blamed for something he did at your house. I’m sure if he has a history of stealing he’s stolen many things off his mum too.

Griselda1 · 28/01/2021 19:23

What do you think he was going to do with the money, is there any chance that there are financial issues in his mother's home which he was thinking of. My 7 year olds wouldn't have had any opportunity or means to spend £20.
My sister was seriously abused by a violent husband and one of her children was a carbon copy of his father. We all had to make a serious effort to deal with this and not discriminate against him.I'd be careful of using the word sneaky about a small child or about attributing his mother's negative personality traits to him.
I can't help but think of an unhappy little boy who makes a cry for help and it's responded to with a punishment. I appreciate how difficult it is but maybe more exploration of his home circumstances is needed.

toocold54 · 28/01/2021 19:24

Anyone who's child comes home with a £20 note which you assume isn't there's (she clearly didn't think you gave it him hence the text) should keep it safe until they find out the truth or rightful owner.

I would agree with this if the child went to a friends house but if they went to a parents I’d assume they gave it to them as pocket money which many parents do.

Same4Walls · 28/01/2021 19:24

but I don’t think she should be blamed for something he did at your house.

The OP isn't blaming his mother for the son stealing she's quite rightly blaming her for being dishonest and not returning the money.

VettiyaIruken · 28/01/2021 19:24

I don't understand why anyone thinks this is ok.

Is it because a stepmum is always in the wrong? Dad entered into another relationship? Is it because it's cash? If it was, let's say, a watch that belonged to the op. The ss took it, the mum said no you can't have it back. It's his now. It's gone in his lockbox under his bed? Would that be ok? The item was stolen. The item is physically in the mother's house. The mother knows it belongs to the op. Knows exactly where it is. Why should it not be returned? It's no less her property than a watch, a ring, earrings, a scarf, it doesn't matter what it is, it matters whose it is.

Kids do stupid, impulsive shit. That's why they are supposed to have parents to model the right way to behave!

It's in a kids money box FFS. Not Fort bloody Knox! Of course she can get it.