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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSS stole money off me and mum won’t pay it back.

265 replies

TheBadElfParade · 28/01/2021 15:02

I’m utterly furious about the situation.

DSS’s mum found some money in DSS’s pocket the other night when she picked him up from school. He was with us the evening before as she was poorly.

He told her that we had given it to him when she questioned it. My partner got aN unexpected text and said he hadn’t given him anything.

Low and behold, we have some money missing.

My partner picked him up From school And asked him about it. For the record he is 7, but knows that it is wrong to steal as we have had a similar situation before With him, in addition to lying.

He got upset and admitted where the money was from and that at he found it when he was sneaking around in our bedroom and took it. He was playing with my child at the time but didn’t tell my child he had found it. Both of our children know not to go in the bedroom without our permission. This happened at the weekend We are presuming so he had kept on to this money for a few days.

My partner messaged and explained what had happened and asked for it back.

We got a reply saying not that’s not what he told me, and that she had put it in an breakable piggy bank so we can’t have it.

Am I being unreasonable to be fuming with her about this and want my money back? We are obviously ups about the whole ordeal and my partner is struggling with the fact he would steal off us in the first place. This is the second time she has deliberately kept on to our money when we had a shadow payment of double child maintenance going through one month and she kept on to it for three weeks, even after we informed her that the loss was affecting household bills. She’s not the kind of person to be kind to myself or my partner at all. She has threatened that if my partner dares takes it out of maintenance next month (it’s not a CMS plan, it’s a private arrangement between themselves) she will mention it in court.

OP posts:
Icenii · 28/01/2021 17:46

He didn't put it in there.

Bibidy · 28/01/2021 17:46

@Same4Walls

How are people defending the mum's actions here?

The only 2 reasons I can think of are:

  1. The OP is a step parent.
  2. The posters agreeing with the mum are so poor at reading comprehension they have wildly misunderstood the situation.

I honesty cannot think of any other reasons why anyone thinks the mum shouldn't return the money. Confused

Yep, there is no reason to defend her at all.

Surely the right and most important thing to do would be to give the child the £20 to return so that he learns?

Same4Walls · 28/01/2021 17:46

sounds like it is not accessible to him to pay back

It's no inaccessible he can either break the piggy bank or his mum can get £20 from an ATM and then when the piggy bank is eventually broken she takes the £20 back.

flumposie · 28/01/2021 17:47

I would also deduct it from birthday money. If it's in his piggy bank then he does still actually have it.

ButtonMoonLoon · 28/01/2021 17:47

I would definitely deduct it from child maintenance, but I’d give her one last opportunity to return the money. So I’d be sending her a message stating that you’re unable to meet your essential bills without it therefore if she continues to withhold money that she knows belongs to you, that you will have no other option but to reduce your next payment to her by that sum.

Icenii · 28/01/2021 17:49

I'd deduct from the mother, and have the child help out to pay off what he stole. You might be able to get it out with twesers if he brings it round.

SionnachRua · 28/01/2021 17:49

How are people defending the mum's actions here?

Because this story involves a step mum and some posters will go to extremes to paint them as evil bitches.

Doingitaloneandproud · 28/01/2021 17:49

Take it out of maintenance, she can easily get it out of a piggy bank even if you have to break it. I'd be livid if my son stole from his dad and his dads girlfriend, the money would go straight back. If she doesn't give it back to you, what kind of message is she teaching her son?!

safariboot · 28/01/2021 17:50

I don't for one minute believe the money's in a piggybank. It went straight into his mum's wallet.

Just saying.

Beancounter1 · 28/01/2021 17:51

I think it is not uncommon for children of about the age of 7 to try stealing - part of testing the boundaries and exploring the rules of the world. The correct response is to come down hard to re-enforce the boundary/rule, and then also separately to the stealing incident to lavish the child with attention and affection.

I would also second the idea mentioned upthread that DSS needs his own pocket money - this is the age when children become more aware of what they own and don't own. Give a regular amount every week, never fail, this needs to be totally reliable. Maybe one or two pounds at this age. Give it into DSS hand, then he puts it into a wallet or moneybox so that he has a sense of ownership. The moneybox must be openable - encourage him to take all the money out frequently and count it up before putting it all back. Keep the moneybox/wallet in a particular place e.g. a shelf in the living room, so that everyone knows where it is and he knows it is safe. Then after a month or so (after lockdown), he can take the cash out and go to a toy shop with you to spend it - encourage him to look at prices and get a good idea of what is expensive and what is cheap.

Henio · 28/01/2021 17:56

@Devlesko

No, sorry don't get it, must be me. If one of my kids stole from me, then their pocket money would be stopped or similar. The child has two parents it's not the mothers fault the lad stole the money. Two households shouldn't make a difference when you have had a child together.
What's so hard to understand, the mother took the money off the child and put it in a 'piggy bank' which probably means she pocketed it herself, its her responsibility to give the money back because she now has the money not the child
Mittens030869 · 28/01/2021 17:57

** Radio4Rocks

Still the step mother haters try to attack. Pathetic.
**

Yes it’s always the stepmother who is in the wrong according to some posters, who pop up on every stepmother thread to have a go even if there’s no reason for it.

It’s like MILs and pet owners. Attacking them is a popular sport on AIBU.

jamesfailedmarshmallows · 28/01/2021 17:58

Haven't RTFT but I used to steal from my dad's house at the same age. Not money, but CDs and ornaments Hmm Things were very hostile between them and in my head at the time it was helping my mum, who was financially struggling. I'm very grateful that my dad didn't make a massive deal out of it.

PamDenick · 28/01/2021 18:08

Yes, James.

And for an adult to be 'absolutely furious' is only going to compound hostilities.
Hence, I am willing to pay you the money in order that you can be the bigger person and let it go.
Sounds like the boy's mum thrives on drama, so if you can not escalate this situation maybe the boy will settle down a bit.

MustardMitt · 28/01/2021 18:19

If this child had stolen from any other person than his step mother there would be no disagreement - child pays it back, via parent (in this case mother) if the actual physical note is unavailable.

But being a step parent means that you have to suck it up, not the responsibility of the other parent to return money that their child has stolen. Ridiculous. Truly ridiculous.

YANBU of course OP.

Mittens030869 · 28/01/2021 18:23

I'm remembering that my DD1 used to steel when she was a couple of years older than the OP's DSS. (I can't remember exactly, she's 11 now.). She used to pretend to have found pound coins abandoned on our drive. It didn't take all that long to work out that they had instead come from my purse. We gave her a sanction at the time and I kept my handbag in my room for a time. (She either never worked out where I kept it, or else she knew that she wouldn't get away with it again.

Anyway, my DD1 is adopted, and this is a behaviour common in adopted children. We didn't make too much of it, as she's always had a habit of looking for negative attention with her behaviour. Without that, she soon stopped.

I'm not saying that your DSS is necessarily doing this as a way to get your attention, OP, but this is a common motivation for it. And children of his age do have difficulty articulating their feelings.

It sounds like you handled it very well. I have no advice on how to address this with his mum; I think you might need to write it off, frustrating though that will undoubtedly be.

pumpkinsoups · 28/01/2021 18:28

He's stealing because his mother does nothing to discourage him and then makes herself complicit by keeping the profits of his theft

Why does the mother bear all the responsibiity? It's up to his father as well.

HighHeelBoots · 28/01/2021 18:28

Does anyone actually believe the money in in the piggy bank?
Or is that a new term for the mums purse?

Bollss · 28/01/2021 18:29

@pumpkinsoups

He's stealing because his mother does nothing to discourage him and then makes herself complicit by keeping the profits of his theft

Why does the mother bear all the responsibiity? It's up to his father as well.

Yeah he's told him off about it. He's doing his bit! Mum isn't
marriedyoung · 28/01/2021 18:31

I came on expecting the dss to be in his late teens, OP I get you are upset but try not to overreact, it sounds as if he has a lot going on. The mum sounds like a nasty piece of work, there is likely a lot happening in dss' head so I wouldn't be too harsh on him.

Betterversionofme · 28/01/2021 18:33

As a mum, I would return money.
As a dad, I wouldn't ask for money.
As either mum or dad, I would ask the kid whether he/she wants money for something in particular. Does kid get
regular pocket money? Even if just £2/week for sweets?
'Steal' is a word with a lot of judgment in it.
As a step-parent, even if it would be mine money, I don't get involved.
Kid is probably feeling incredibly guilty, otherwise wouldn't keep it secret. Child doesn't need any more punishment, stress or starting feeling negative about itself. It's a learning, rather than punishing or embarrassing, opportunity.
Anyway, if £20 is such a big deal, don't have it lying around.

bluebluezoo · 28/01/2021 18:33

Does the mum tell him that dad doesn’t pay maintenance/has lots more money/ they can’t buy stuff because daddy won’t give them money?

Just an idea that the boy could be stealing from dad to give to his mum? Which in his head might just be taking what should be theirs anyway so not really stealing?

Also explains mum not giving it back.

marriedyoung · 28/01/2021 18:34

Mittens I'm not adopted but I used to take money out of my dm's purse all the time. Even at the age of 12/13 I didn't see it as stealing, it was a case of "she's my mum, so it's mine too". Obviously as an adult I feel differently!

AStudyinPink · 28/01/2021 18:42

'Steal' is a word with a lot of judgment in it.

All the more reason the child needs to be taught why it’s unacceptable. If he does this at school or work, he’s not going to be indulged, is he?

AStudyinPink · 28/01/2021 18:43

Anyway, if £20 is such a big deal, don't have it lying around.

It could be £1. Doesn’t matter. It’s not his money.