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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSS stole money off me and mum won’t pay it back.

265 replies

TheBadElfParade · 28/01/2021 15:02

I’m utterly furious about the situation.

DSS’s mum found some money in DSS’s pocket the other night when she picked him up from school. He was with us the evening before as she was poorly.

He told her that we had given it to him when she questioned it. My partner got aN unexpected text and said he hadn’t given him anything.

Low and behold, we have some money missing.

My partner picked him up From school And asked him about it. For the record he is 7, but knows that it is wrong to steal as we have had a similar situation before With him, in addition to lying.

He got upset and admitted where the money was from and that at he found it when he was sneaking around in our bedroom and took it. He was playing with my child at the time but didn’t tell my child he had found it. Both of our children know not to go in the bedroom without our permission. This happened at the weekend We are presuming so he had kept on to this money for a few days.

My partner messaged and explained what had happened and asked for it back.

We got a reply saying not that’s not what he told me, and that she had put it in an breakable piggy bank so we can’t have it.

Am I being unreasonable to be fuming with her about this and want my money back? We are obviously ups about the whole ordeal and my partner is struggling with the fact he would steal off us in the first place. This is the second time she has deliberately kept on to our money when we had a shadow payment of double child maintenance going through one month and she kept on to it for three weeks, even after we informed her that the loss was affecting household bills. She’s not the kind of person to be kind to myself or my partner at all. She has threatened that if my partner dares takes it out of maintenance next month (it’s not a CMS plan, it’s a private arrangement between themselves) she will mention it in court.

OP posts:
diddl · 28/01/2021 16:51

Why does the mother think that it was his money & doesn't need to be gven back?

LavendarMoon · 28/01/2021 16:54

Just wanted to say that we don’t know the timeline of events here. Everyone assumes mum put the £20 into the piggy bank with full knowledge it was stolen. It’s possible that this happened:

  • mum finds £20 in pocket and speaks to child
  • child says dad gave it to me
  • mum says oh ok we’ll put it in your piggy bank
  • mum has doubts and texts dad to check and then discovers it is stolen

In this scenario, I think child should be asked to break the piggy bank and return money, but I don’t think mum should have to fork out the £20 from her own purse. However, mum might be understandably annoyed if she has bought the piggy bank for child and it’s now having to be broken. Who will replace it? It’s a difficult situation, but I do think regardless mum needs to ensure the £20 is paid back somehow.

Candyfloss99 · 28/01/2021 16:54

I think he needs to bring his piggy bank to your house so you can break it and he can give you your money back.

MagnoliaBeige · 28/01/2021 16:55

@Radio4Rocks

Staggering how many people are willing to contort themselves to excuse the behaviour of the mother.

I suppose they may be cut from the same dishonest cloth.

I’ve long assumed there are posters on mumsnet who actively look for the most bizarre behaviour to twist to make the OP look unhinged.

The long and the short of it is that the mother has been told their child has stolen money and has decided that’s perfectly ok. You can’t argue with idiots like that.

AStudyinPink · 28/01/2021 16:55

In this scenario, I think child should be asked to break the piggy bank and return money, but I don’t think mum should have to fork out the £20 from her own purse. However, mum might be understandably annoyed if she has bought the piggy bank for child and it’s now having to be broken. Who will replace it?

Nobody. You put a stolen £20 in your piggy bank and your mum won’t lend you £20 to pay it back from the person you stole it from, it’s bye bye piggy bank.

Christ. No wonder kids are running wild.

MaeveDidIt · 28/01/2021 16:56

Not good - she's a bad role-model because she's teaching him that stealing pays off.

Winniewonka · 28/01/2021 16:56

She should give you the money back but I am I the only one that thinks this child is deeply unhappy? He sees his Daddy now living with other children. He wants to bring something from your home back to his own. 7 year olds haven't got a real concept of the value of £20 and the fact that it was still in his pocket a couple of days later proves it. It's the same with taking home your child's toy, he's wants what your children have. The fact that you have to empty his pockets before he leaves shows this too. I don't know what he lies about but I wouldn't be surprised if they try to show himself in a better light than the other children.

unmarkedbythat · 28/01/2021 16:59

I'm unsure about the taking out of maintenance- well no, I'm not unsure, I think that's wrong but can't marshal a good argument as to why other than it feels wrong. But re the stealing... op I get it. My eldest steals from us. We have a safe. A fecking safe in our house. It makes me feel sick... but we have to have it otherwise any cash, giftcards, medication etc that he wants, he swipes. And it upsets me more than anything else he does, more than him being violent, more than him saying things like "I hope you get raped". It feels awful to have one of your closest, best loved people, who share your home and life, steal from you. I'm really sorry you've had to deal with it and I hope it's something that doesn't continue.

(To ward off helpful advice- long term issues, long term involvement with multiple agencies, well meaning advice of the 'have you tried talking to him?' kind will not be well received).

TheGoldenCircle · 28/01/2021 17:00

I'd send her a note saying fine, mention it at court. We will also be mentioned that we are concerned about how DSS is being brought up by you and perhaps we should go 50/50 custody.

pumpkinsoups · 28/01/2021 17:00

Why is it up to his mother to pay you back? He was in the house belonging to his father and was his father's responsibility so his father should be the one paying you back if anybody does.
YABU and I suspect you are using this to cause trouble as you don't like your DSS.

HomeschooIerRockthemicrophone · 28/01/2021 17:01

So when does the 'unbreakable' piggy get broken into?! When he's 18?!
Utter BS.
It gets broken into - she gives the twenty quid back.
Punishment - no longer owns a piggy bank.
Upside - owt that is in it could be paid into an actual kiddies' account with whatever offer/freebies they do these days.

Original poster
TheBadElfParade · 28/01/2021 17:01

@unmarkedbythat sorry about your situation, that sounds dreadful Flowers

OP posts:
hansgrueber · 28/01/2021 17:02

@Devlesko

Why is he stealing? That's the main issue. He stole of hs father, why should the mother have to pay it back, that's weird. In a household with 2 parents one parent wouldn't expect the other o pay it back, I don't understand how geography should change this. Confused
He's stealing because his mother does nothing to discourage him and then makes herself complicit by keeping the profits of his theft.

Why should the mother pay it back? Because she has it 'in a piggy-bank', as if. Why do women on this site try to deflect blame and responsibility from a mother onto a father? How much will she pocket next time?

AStudyinPink · 28/01/2021 17:03

He sees his Daddy now living with other children. He wants to bring something from your home back to his own. 7 year olds haven't got a real concept of the value of £20 and the fact that it was still in his pocket a couple of days later proves it. It's the same with taking home your child's toy, he's wants what your children have

How do you function when you’re this nice? 😂

hansgrueber · 28/01/2021 17:04

@pumpkinsoups

Why is it up to his mother to pay you back? He was in the house belonging to his father and was his father's responsibility so his father should be the one paying you back if anybody does. YABU and I suspect you are using this to cause trouble as you don't like your DSS.
Always at least one who defends the wrong-doer. Your nonsense would have greater validity had the female breeder not decided to keep the profits from his theft.
Original poster
TheBadElfParade · 28/01/2021 17:05

@pumpkinsoups fucking hell, what a horrible thing to say. I have already mentioned on here that i love him deeply. He is family, and we are very close. I am not angry at the child, that is done and dealt with I’m pissed off mother. She now has my property and I want it returning. Not up to my partner to
pay me back. We have joint finances, whether it came out of my bag or not.

What a horrible thing to say about me towards him.

OP posts:
AaronPurr · 28/01/2021 17:05

@pumpkinsoups

Why is it up to his mother to pay you back? He was in the house belonging to his father and was his father's responsibility so his father should be the one paying you back if anybody does. YABU and I suspect you are using this to cause trouble as you don't like your DSS.
Why should his father pay back money his son stole from the OPs bag when the mother is in posession of the money? I really can't wrap my head around this way of thinking.

His mum found £20, and now knows it belonged to the OP. Why is she excused from returning the money to the OP?

YoniAndGuy · 28/01/2021 17:05

Not only would it come out of the maintenance, her threats around it would mean that I'd tell her that clearly the private arrangement cannot work then - and CMS it would be. Which will take into account his child with you.

Secondly, your husband has already had concerns re behaviour so I'd be telling her that if this is her idea of responsible parenting, perhaps it's time he went for residency.

SionnachRua · 28/01/2021 17:06

@pumpkinsoups

Why is it up to his mother to pay you back? He was in the house belonging to his father and was his father's responsibility so his father should be the one paying you back if anybody does. YABU and I suspect you are using this to cause trouble as you don't like your DSS.
It's not up to the mother to pay her back though is it? It's up to the mother to return the stolen money, which has been located in her house. The mother loses no cash in this scenario.

If the child has to break the piggy bank to do so...well. That's a natural consequence of their stealing.

unmarkedbythat · 28/01/2021 17:09

@hansgrueber I must be missing something here... why would you refer to the mum as "the female breeder"?

unmarkedbythat · 28/01/2021 17:10

@TheBadElfParade thank you :)
It will get better for us, and it will get better for you, too!

Bluntness100 · 28/01/2021 17:10

I’m not sure this is the wife stealing too. To be honest, unless I really need thr money I’d not prolong this by arguing over twenty quid. I couldn’t be arsed. But if you need it then reduce the maintenance.

AStudyinPink · 28/01/2021 17:11

Your nonsense would have greater validity had the female breeder not decided to keep the profits from his theft.

“Breeder” is really offensive.

Geppili · 28/01/2021 17:11

It's disappointing that the only bit of my post you focus on is the bit about you. I meant: Don't leave cash around in a wallet or bag in the context of knowing that your stepson has problems with impulse control and that he has stolen in the past. Keep your handbag in sight.

I'm still interested to understand the context of and timing of his parents' divorce.

AStudyinPink · 28/01/2021 17:12

I’m not sure this is the wife stealing too.

The mum is responsible for the child and his behaviour when he is with her. He has taken home money that doesn’t belong to him and now the mum is refusing to give it back. That’s stealing.

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