DSS stole money off me and mum won’t pay it back.

[TheBadElfParade]

I’m utterly furious about the situation.

DSS’s mum found some money in DSS’s pocket the other night when she picked him up from school. He was with us the evening before as she was poorly.

He told her that we had given it to him when she questioned it. My partner got aN unexpected text and said he hadn’t given him anything.

Low and behold, we have some money missing.

My partner picked him up From school And asked him about it. For the record he is 7, but knows that it is wrong to steal as we have had a similar situation before With him, in addition to lying.

He got upset and admitted where the money was from and that at he found it when he was sneaking around in our bedroom and took it. He was playing with my child at the time but didn’t tell my child he had found it. Both of our children know not to go in the bedroom without our permission. This happened at the weekend We are presuming so he had kept on to this money for a few days.

My partner messaged and explained what had happened and asked for it back.

We got a reply saying not that’s not what he told me, and that she had put it in an breakable piggy bank so we can’t have it.

Am I being unreasonable to be fuming with her about this and want my money back? We are obviously ups about the whole ordeal and my partner is struggling with the fact he would steal off us in the first place. This is the second time she has deliberately kept on to our money when we had a shadow payment of double child maintenance going through one month and she kept on to it for three weeks, even after we informed her that the loss was affecting household bills. She’s not the kind of person to be kind to myself or my partner at all. She has threatened that if my partner dares takes it out of maintenance next month (it’s not a CMS plan, it’s a private arrangement between themselves) she will mention it in court.

Ffs, a child of seven years stole £20 and his mother put it in a piggy bank.

Get over it.

Do not stop it from maintenance. Maybe the father should remind the child he'll have one present less for his birthday. What the mother has or doesn't have is not the issue - it's your bitterness that is the problem.

If her maintenance was reduced because your partner now lives with you and your DCs I can see why she feels entitled to pocket 20 quid here and there

Wow! Just wow!!

Shes stolen £20, there is never a justification for that.

I think whether it's £5 or £500 the important thing is to teach DSS a lesson here, and that lesson involves an apology AND giving it back!

Your DH needs to tell his ex that DSS has admitted to stealing it so it needs to be returned. End of.

If she argues he needs to tell her that this is in the best interests of DSS more than anyone else as he needs to learn that there are consequences for poor behaviour.

If she refuses to give it back I'd threaten to make DSS sell some of his own things (if he has any at yours) to replace the money (I wouldn't actually sell them but I'd make him think you have so that he gets the message - you can always give the things back further down the line for good behaviour).

Brushing this over is just poor parenting and teaches the kid nothing.

@Hailtomyteeth

Ffs, a child of seven years stole £20 and his mother put it in a piggy bank.

Get over it.

Do not stop it from maintenance. Maybe the father should remind the child he'll have one present less for his birthday. What the mother has or doesn't have is not the issue - it's your bitterness that is the problem.

So if your child stole something, you wouldnt make them give it back, youd keep it? and teach them that thats totally okay?

Get over it.

Well bully for you that £20 means so little that you could get over it. For many families £20 is a significant amount of their weekly budget.

Yes, she should give it back.

However, the child stole the money, and she says the money is in the child's piggybank. So to deduct it from maintenance would not be appropriate.

I think for £20 you have to let it go. You're right to be annoyed, and it is shit. I'd be raging about it too. But for your own sake, I think you need to write it off.

If DSS doesn't get pocket money already, perhaps now is the time to try to address that? Then you can - if the situation should ever arise in the future - stop his pocket money for however long it takes to repay. That would be the direct consequence of his actions, rather than the Play Station etc.

@Hailtomyteeth

Ffs, a child of seven years stole £20 and his mother put it in a piggy bank.

Get over it.

Do not stop it from maintenance. Maybe the father should remind the child he'll have one present less for his birthday. What the mother has or doesn't have is not the issue - it's your bitterness that is the problem.

The issue with this is that the woman has probably pocketed the money. From what op has said, she sounds like a seasoned liar.

*Ffs, a child of seven years stole £20 and his mother put it in a piggy bank.

Get over it.

Do not stop it from maintenance. Maybe the father should remind the child he'll have one present less for his birthday. What the mother has or doesn't have is not the issue - it's your bitterness that is the problem*

So if your child stole something from a shop you'll let them keep it?

Forget the twenty quid and focus on getting this poor child some psychological support. How old was he and what were the exact causes and way in which his parents broke up. He is hurting!

@Hailtomyteeth

Ffs, a child of seven years stole £20 and his mother put it in a piggy bank.

Get over it.

Do not stop it from maintenance. Maybe the father should remind the child he'll have one present less for his birthday. What the mother has or doesn't have is not the issue - it's your bitterness that is the problem.

Way to go teaching your child it's fine to steal things. I probably wouldn't admit to such poor parenting personally.

@Chloemol it sounds bad but I do regularly check his pockets since the last incident where my own child was deeply hurt by it (it was on their birthday).

But it’s been fine ever since, it was over a year ago. It’s horrible knowing you can’t even trust your own DSS, it’s an awful feeling. I love him very much, it’s conflicting. Last night was the first time I’d seen my partner cry in ages, he was upset and disappointed in him. I think he takes more traits in his behaviour from his mother’s side than his side and it’s not nice to see, especially when you try your best to teach certain behaviours in children. I know I’d feel exactly the same if my own child had stolen, I’d be mortified.

Looks like it will be coming from the maintenance payment then whether she likes it or not. Shes got away with a lot of things in the past year and as you can probably tell by my tone on here I’m up to my ears with it all.

And don't leave cash around.

@NoSquirrels

Yes, she should give it back.

However, the child stole the money, and she says the money is in the child's piggybank. So to deduct it from maintenance would not be appropriate.

I think for £20 you have to let it go. You're right to be annoyed, and it is shit. I'd be raging about it too. But for your own sake, I think you need to write it off.

If DSS doesn't get pocket money already, perhaps now is the time to try to address that? Then you can - if the situation should ever arise in the future - stop his pocket money for however long it takes to repay. That would be the direct consequence of his actions, rather than the Play Station etc.

so, reward him for stealing by giving him pocket money, so they can stop if if he keeps stealing.... er... right?

@TheBadElfParade
Lying and theft are the worst of human traits and need nipping hard in the bud.

Get a lock for your bedroom door.

A friend adopted a child who is even as a young adult an incorrigible thief and liar, despite May years of counselling.
Maybe the child is disturbed?

Lying is very worrying.

Sounds like his mother is a right piece of work.

So he will lose a breakable piggy bank, but the mother didn't know it was stolen as he lied about it so it was put in his unbreakable bank based on his lies so he should have to break it to get it out.
Consequence of stealing and lying.
It's got to be broken at some point and if it's not retrieved now it stays in there and he gets to keep it for when he chooses to break it.

I do despair at the lack of understanding of some posters on here!

7 y/o child visits father/stepmother
Child steals £20 from father/stepmother
Child's mother finds child has £20
child's mother finds that £20 was stolen from child's father/stepmother's house.
Mother doesn't think, oh I'll return stolen money to child's father!

No, she 'puts it in an unbreakable money box'

And some posters think that's ok? jeez!

Well, I'd break that fucking piggy bank and return the stolen money.

[quote TheBadElfParade]@Chloemol it sounds bad but I do regularly check his pockets since the last incident where my own child was deeply hurt by it (it was on their birthday).

But it’s been fine ever since, it was over a year ago. It’s horrible knowing you can’t even trust your own DSS, it’s an awful feeling. I love him very much, it’s conflicting. Last night was the first time I’d seen my partner cry in ages, he was upset and disappointed in him. I think he takes more traits in his behaviour from his mother’s side than his side and it’s not nice to see, especially when you try your best to teach certain behaviours in children. I know I’d feel exactly the same if my own child had stolen, I’d be mortified.

Looks like it will be coming from the maintenance payment then whether she likes it or not. Shes got away with a lot of things in the past year and as you can probably tell by my tone on here I’m up to my ears with it all.[/quote]
You’re talking about a 7 year old not a seasoned criminal. They put things in pockets, they are sneaky, the answer to this is to deal with it in an age appropriat way not frisk him at the door or blame his bad behaviour on ‘genetic traits’.

Considering how petty you are being over this my guess is that child feels the only way he can get anything from his dad is by stealing it. His dad needs to address that by trusting him more, love bombing him, addressing his insecurities, not taking money out of maintenance (and leave the child without enough to live on) and blowing every tiny thing he does out of proportion.

The mum understands she can give you another 20 quid note back (and deal with DSS) and you are not insisting on this particular one?

@Geppili I’m sorry I keep my money in my bag I thought that’s what normal people do. I won’t leave it in my bag again, how irresponsible of me.

Thank you everyone, I think I needed this rant today. I’ve been off with stress and palpitations this week from some life issues, we have had everything going on with loss of earnings, Trying to keep my job and homeschooling, Court stuff, a leaking roof, generally just feeling under the weather and not sleeping so I think this one just tipped me over a bit.

Staggering how many people are willing to contort themselves to excuse the behaviour of the mother.

I suppose they may be cut from the same dishonest cloth.

@Radio4Rocks

Staggering how many people are willing to contort themselves to excuse the behaviour of the mother.

I suppose they may be cut from the same dishonest cloth.

Indeed! I mean I know there's lots of dishonest people in the world but some of the excuses made for the mother and son to keep this money are mind-blowing.

I’m just wondering why a 7 year old is stealing money. What could he possibly need or want it for?

I used to steal all the time when I was 6/7. My parents were very emotionally absent after my brother died when I was 6 and they weren't really available to give me attention and i didn't know how to express my emotions anyway... i mean, i don't know exactly why i did it because i was so young... but i used to nick little things all the time. I think maybe because i knew i would be ignored/refused if i asked for stuff myself, but if i stole the thing then i could have it (obviously) or if i stole money i could buy the thing myself.

Kids aren't criminally responsible for their actions until they're 10 so this isn't some great indicator of a criminal future in the OP's SS's life... the kid has poor impulse control and a bad example set by his mother.

No excuses just because child is Seven.
Theft can become a habit if not nipped in the bud.

I stole a fossil from school at age 8, lied there I’d found it in the garden, and parents gave me hell.

I had to write a letter of apology and dad saw the deputy head, to hand the ammonite back.

Had parents not gone ballistic, I’d probably be a Hatton Garden thief by now.

Morals need instilling, like it or not.

Sorry OP, I was projecting there. My sister was royally screwed over by her ExH and left in debt to raise her DS alone, I firmly believe that a father's lifestyle choice must not change his obligations towards his biological children. Yes I would think my sister would be entirely justified to keep £20 that mysteriously came back with her DS.

Obviously your DH carried on paying the full amount and that is decent of him. I hope you find the cause of this behaviour in your DSS, something is definately a miss.

@Devlesko

No, sorry don't get it, must be me. If one of my kids stole from me, then their pocket money would be stopped or similar. The child has two parents it's not the mothers fault the lad stole the money. Two households shouldn't make a difference when you have had a child together.

No, it’s the not the mother’s fault. But if your child stole £20 from your purse and your DH found it, you wouldn’t think it was reasonable for him to add it to your child’s piggy bank. The money would end up back with the parents, surely?