To use CIO with naps too?

[Soitis83]

DS is 9 months old, he sleeps so well at night. We put him in his cot, he cried for maybe 20/30 minutes on and off, then he sleeps all night. But naps, not so much. He can go over an hour of crying. He sleeps well if I leave my hand in the cot but doesn't stay asleep for longer than half and hour. Do I just leave him to cry ? I know some people arr dead against it, I am to an extent but I'm also open to being proved wrong. I don't need the science, believe me I've googled it all. I just need other mums who have done the same thing and whether it worked or didn't work for them???

Thank you @DemolitionBarbie . Makes me feel better about the awful comments I got that almost reduced me to tears!
Its only been a few nights and night time has got better already, crying less and not horrible crying, more moaning. So I definitely think its working. I just wanted to know peoples experience and advice when it came to nap times.
Someone recommended a book here and I'm going to look it up for sure. I have so much to learn but I love my son more than I could possibly tell you and I want to get it right for him. I need to be happy too and having no sleep was sending me down a horrible, dark path

Who is it telling mothers that cuddling your baby to sleep and feeding them to sleep is wrong? It’s what we’re supposed to bloody do.

OP. Can the CIO - it’s hideous. I promise you that if your child is crying for 30 mins a night they’re distressed and need you.

Some babies sleep shockingly, some don’t. A 9 month old is a small baby who needs you.

It’s hard, it’s hideous at times, but it is what it is.

@Babyboomtastic That's OK - you do you. But I do me, and that means I need my children sleeping at proper times by themselves before they're a year old, and CC, gradual retreat etc weren't enough. Clearly you have more stamina for assisting to sleep than I do, and more ability to instantly rush to a child the second it cries. I'd go (and nearly did go) mental if my 2yo got up 2-4 times every night. What pushed us to CIO with DD was me getting migraines from all the disturbed sleep - so it was either me comfort her at night and be unable to parent during the day or leave her to it of an evening and then be functional the next day. Few nights of full sleep and I was right as rain again.

It takes all sorts to make a world, and I don't think the OP would be unreasonable to try CIO on a nine month old whose only problem is not dropping off unassisted. There are enough people who'll tell her she's a monster. I'd just like her to know that she matters too, and if she's not coping like this then it's OK to try CIO.

Also, the "set amount of crying" thing was a joke!

There are solutions that don't involve leaving a baby to cry. Try a walk in the buggy/pram, maybe even a sling still at 9 months depending on size of baby?, cuddle him to sleep, feed him to sleep, drive him in the car etc etc. Sarah Ockwell Smith has Gentle Sleep Solutions.
Contrary to what previous poster thinks, I have 2 kids 18 months apart, work 4 days, no family help as I live apart from them, good memory and am not lying when I say I have never once let them cry themselves to sleep. They are 2.5 and 4 now. They weren't unicorn babies, the first had severe reflux and barely slept.
Its a choice. If you choose to let your baby cry themselves to sleep that's up to you. But you can't expect others who believe it is cruel not to say so when you post this on AIBU.

@Higgeldypiggeldy35 sometimes. Maybe now hes sleeping better at night that might work better in the pram so ill try it, thank you.
A muslin over one eye made me laugh! Babies are odd little beings! Ive tried a dummy many times but he looks so disgusted with it

+1 to the PP who said about the difference between distressed crying and moaning. By 9m I could tell whether they were having a bit of a yowl or actually upset. And yeah, if nothing's changed within a week you need to have a rethink. But it doesn't have to 100% work within a week or bust - just that you do need to see a significant change to decide whether to persevere or not. IIRC (which, lol, I probably don't) it took about two weeks for each of ours in total plus a lingering yowl when they went in for five or ten minutes.

his sleep is so bad and thats my fault as I would cuddle and feed to sleep before

This isn't true - it's not your fault. I fed my first child to sleep and she slept through 12 hours a night from 2 weeks old, I also cuddled her whenever he cried and never ever left her to cry. This one I also feed to sleep and she wakes approximately 732 times a night. Some babies sleep through, others don't. I really don't believe it's anything you do that causes this.

My health visitor said the same thing that I need to just let this one cry and after a while she'll get used to me not going to comfort her. I politely told her to f*ck off. I am working full time, have a toddler as well and though I have a partner he works full time too and we have no other support because of covid, and yes it's bloody hard but I don't want my baby to get used to the fact her mother wont go and comfort her.

I had to co-sleep this time (following the safe sleep 7) because like you, I'd feed to sleep, put her down and immediately she was awake again so my only option was to feed her to sleep and then not move her. But now we are at the point where she is getting into a deeper sleep and I can finally put her in her cot after she falls asleep on me. And now sometimes she will sleep for 2 hours before we have to do it all again!

If you want to let him cry, go ahead. But you don't have to, he is normal, and he will get better at sleeping.

Lol, I never said there are people who never let their baby cry themselves TO SLEEP. I'll believe that. But there are people who will have you believe they never let their baby cry AT ALL. So if they were having a poo and baby woke up and cried, they'd just... not finish it, leap up and go and get the baby?? Or run dripping and soapy out of the shower, or leave their dinner half-cooked on the hob, or or or...?

The reality of not letting your baby cry is not that your baby doesn't cry (which is what I as a foolish FTM used ot beat myself up about). Just that you hold the baby while it cries anyway. Get yourself some earplugs, OP. Deep Sleep brand is good. You can stick them in and reduce your blood pressure while doing whatever you choose to do, whether it's leave them or hold them.

When I had little babies I used to think CIO was the devils tactic. But having a 6 and 4 year old that both still sleep shit and co sleep and need comfort throughout the night I honestly wishI did what you’re doing.

As long as you’re giving your baby lots of comfort, routine and all their needs are met and you’re not just leaving them for an hour solidly to cry (youre going in every few minutes) I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong.

Sleep is extremely important for development and also for your mental health as mum.
I don’t think it’s a bad thing teaching a baby how to comfort themselves.

You also need a break because babies are relentless.

Don’t feel bad op. It’s not for everyone but it doesn’t mean those who don’t do this love their child more or are better parents than you.

[quote PerspicaciousGreen]@Babyboomtastic That's OK - you do you. But I do me, and that means I need my children sleeping at proper times by themselves before they're a year old, and CC, gradual retreat etc weren't enough. Clearly you have more stamina for assisting to sleep than I do, and more ability to instantly rush to a child the second it cries. I'd go (and nearly did go) mental if my 2yo got up 2-4 times every night. What pushed us to CIO with DD was me getting migraines from all the disturbed sleep - so it was either me comfort her at night and be unable to parent during the day or leave her to it of an evening and then be functional the next day. Few nights of full sleep and I was right as rain again.

It takes all sorts to make a world, and I don't think the OP would be unreasonable to try CIO on a nine month old whose only problem is not dropping off unassisted. There are enough people who'll tell her she's a monster. I'd just like her to know that she matters too, and if she's not coping like this then it's OK to try CIO.

Also, the "set amount of crying" thing was a joke![/quote]
It's all good saying 'you do you', but it's not very genuine of you after basically saying that anyone who didn't leave their baby to cry is either lying or can't remember

a) They are lying
b) They can't remember from being too sleep-deprived!
c) They had magical unicorn babies
d) They had nothing else to do and spent literally the whole day holding their babies and catering to their every whim (and are also somehow psychic and able to tell what those whims were

@soitis83 they are indeed haha. It was a postnatal gym instructor who suggested it and it was like magic! I forgot the other thing I tried was helping them link sleep cycles by gentle rousing them a little after 35 mins. Sleep cycles are 40 mins so if you slightly disturb them with hand on tummy and a gentle shake etc and then retreat again it can sometimes work.

Op there is an app now called huckleberry that you can use to log baby sleep and I think it recommends when to put them for a nap and to bed! It sounds amazing I wish I had had it!

I would do something like
Up at 7/7:30
Nap at 10 - 11
Lunch 12
Nap at 2 - 3:30
Bed time routine 6pm, into bed lights out before 7, ideally asleep 7:15.

Awake time between naps should be about 3hrs, no more than 4. So judge everything from that. If a nap is short then don't be afraid to go for a well early bedtime. I had to put ds to bed at 5 a couple of times!!! You should find he sleeps through still and doesn't wake up earlier!

Hi OP. Have you read up on the Ferber method? It's basically what you're doing. I'm not sure how long you've been doing this though and it should work in about a week max, if it doesn't work by then you need to knock it on the head.

Poor baby. Wish I hadn't opened this thread. Can't stand the thought of young babies crying alone.

@MissBaskinIfYoureNasty

Poor baby. Wish I hadn't opened this thread. Can't stand the thought of young babies crying alone.

Luckily for you that's not what she's doing.

Over tired babies struggle to get to sleep. You maybe missing very early sleep cues. I know I did.

Also he is waking every 30 mins because that’s all one sleep cycle lasts, you need to practice on getting him passed that. You get passed that by gentle disturbing him about 20mins in but not enough to wake. His body will learn to go in to another sleep cycle.

The baby sleep whisperer worked for us. No CC.

CC must be so distressing for babies.

It got to the point with my 4.5 year old that she would fall asleep and when we left the room she would realise we were leaving and scream the house down.
So I did CIO with a 4.5 year old.

She regressed again recently and I had to do it again, but thankfully only for 1 night. I wish I dealt with this when she was a baby as I feel I’ve caused her a lot of sleep anxiety.

When your baby eventually stops crying, you can be confident that they have given up calling to you for comfort. Well done.

A baby does not know if it’s distressed because it has a wet nappy or because it’s about to die - the distress is the same at that age. Just because your child gives up calling to you (a natural instinct from a baby, which is normally met with the natural instinct to comfort from a parent), it doesn’t mean they will feel calm inside. It just means that they are now alone with the distress.

Posts like this make me feel ill.

If someone leaving their baby to cry so they learn to comfort themselves to enable better sleep (which is important for development and mums mental health) makes you upset you should probably read about real cases of child abuse @ Showers3

@PerspicaciousGreen

Lol, I never said there are people who never let their baby cry themselves TO SLEEP. I'll believe that. But there are people who will have you believe they never let their baby cry AT ALL. So if they were having a poo and baby woke up and cried, they'd just... not finish it, leap up and go and get the baby?? Or run dripping and soapy out of the shower, or leave their dinner half-cooked on the hob, or or or...?

The reality of not letting your baby cry is not that your baby doesn't cry (which is what I as a foolish FTM used ot beat myself up about). Just that you hold the baby while it cries anyway. Get yourself some earplugs, OP. Deep Sleep brand is good. You can stick them in and reduce your blood pressure while doing whatever you choose to do, whether it's leave them or hold them.

🙋🏼‍♀️ I never let my daughter cry. I would use the toilet/shower etc whilst she was awake and with me. Any crying I would immediately respond to.

Holding a baby whilst it cries and receives comfort is very different to a baby crying alone.

“Comfort themselves” and “self soothing” - neurological impossibility at that age and most certainly NOT “important for their development” - on the contrary actually - these are the kids are often the ones I end up treating in CAMHS years down the line.

If you’ve sorted out nighttime so quickly you are very obviously doing something right in my opinion. Babies who sleep for long stretches are very often happy and contented babies.

With daytime naps, if he’s never been a good napper I would suggest trying once a day at a set time, maybe after lunch and doing much the same thing. If it truly doesn’t work then just stick him in the pram and go for a walk. If that doesn’t appeal try a cuddle on the sofa in front of the tv.. he might snooze off but if not should at least relax and give you both a rest.

My DC are 28 and 31 and were certainly left to cry sometimes. They are remarkably unscathed.😊

@Showers3

When your baby eventually stops crying, you can be confident that they have given up calling to you for comfort. Well done.

A baby does not know if it’s distressed because it has a wet nappy or because it’s about to die - the distress is the same at that age. Just because your child gives up calling to you (a natural instinct from a baby, which is normally met with the natural instinct to comfort from a parent), it doesn’t mean they will feel calm inside. It just means that they are now alone with the distress.

Posts like this make me feel ill.

Me too. And seeing the justification from parents.

Its only been a few nights and night time has got better already, crying less and not horrible crying, more moaning

That's because he's learned nobody bothers to come when he cries, not because he's any less upset. It's called learned helplessness.

Please don't leave him to cry! You really don't need to and he's only nine months old. He needs his mother to comfort him.

You honestly think that 3 nights sleep training where my child cried on and off and not going mental, for 1hr 20, for 30m and then for 10m night three and then slept through for the next 2.5yrs, has caused some sort of damage. Then why did he bother calling me at all last night when he needed me? And why is he a happy contented lovely boy?