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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry people might not come to a wedding that’s not a wedding?

176 replies

WeddingGirl2021 · 27/01/2021 10:50

I quite like the idea of a small wedding (although a restriction of 15 people would mean no friends at all once immediate family had been invited) with a party to follow at some point. My partner and I would like to start trying for a baby at some point in the not too distant future so it would obviously make sense to be married first or at least to have a wedding booked. However I just can’t help but think that people won’t be willing to travel/take time off work to come to a party that’s not actually a wedding. I do feel it’s the ceremony that’s the important bit (as we hear on threads about reception only wedding guests 😉) and that’s basically what the party would be, a reception an entire year after the ceremony!

So answering honestly, if you were my friend or distant(ish) relation and I invited you to a wedding party next year that involved travelling/potentially taking a day of holiday then would you come?

(I would, by the way, if I received that invitation. I’m just worried that other people wouldn’t!)

OP posts:
user1497207191 · 27/01/2021 12:55

@Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear

I wouldn't unless you were a very close friend as it is the ceremony I like and I tend to disappear before the party in the evening as parties just aren't my thing. However I am probably unusual in that!
You're not that unusual. I'd be the same. I'd not really be interested in just the after-party if I wasn't going to the ceremony itself.
Fink · 27/01/2021 12:57

It's quite common in some cultures to separate the religious ceremony from the party. That's what we did. We had a religous service, which, because we were in a church recognised as alegal venue for weddings in England, was also the civil ceremony. So that was our legal wedding. It was parents and siblings only. The reason we did that is that the church where we actually wanted to get married wasn't licensed for weddings (it was a monastery church not a parish church) and neither of us were resident in the the district for a legal wedding there. So we had the big event shortly afterwards - I wore a wedding dress (which I hadn't to the legal marriage), had flowers, bridesmaids etc. We had a religious service only, with no legal recognition, to celebrate the marriage which had already taken place. And then we had the reception as normal.

I probably wouldn't come to a non-wedding of a friend if it were just a party, if there were a ceremony as well then I would. I would probably go for family, however distant, because we like a good family get together regardless of reason.

rosegoldivy · 27/01/2021 13:00

Once covid is over I will be going to absolutely everything and anything I get invited to and will never turn down an invite again.

Never taking any party/function/celebration for granted again

PurpleMustang · 27/01/2021 13:02

I think given the situation there will be a lot of people that will have had a quick or small wedding so they will be having the reception bit later on. And if safe and safely done I think people will be happy and want to attend. I think if you did the quick registry wedding and then had another ceremony and reception nobody would mind!

StCharlotte · 27/01/2021 13:03

I went to Spain for a wedding that wasn't a wedding. And I was happy to.

I've also been to a few church blessings (following register office ceremonies) - are they still a thing?

JKW36 · 27/01/2021 13:04

It's a difficult one. My sister has recently got married and is planning to do this in 12 months time. I will happily go but its a shame that it'll be so much later than the actual wedding as its not really going to be connected in any way, just a stand alone party

Tier10 · 27/01/2021 13:06

If probably travel an hour or a few hours if I could stay overnight at a hotel.

Changeythenamey · 27/01/2021 13:06

Oh I’d definitely come. A few of my good friends have done this and it’s cool. Weddings are the choice of the bride and groom. I did mine my way, you do you.

bananaboats · 27/01/2021 13:08

We are in the exact same situation and planning to hopefully have a reception next year on our 1st anniversary thankfully most of our friends are local-ish but not expecting anyone to travel from further afield tbh. I prob wouldn't unless it was a close friend.

FolkyFoxFace · 27/01/2021 13:13

If everything was fine with Covid, etc. then I'd absolutely go if I was a good friend/relative. If I was a work colleague or a relative who hardly spoke to you or something, then probably not, so I suppose it depends on that. That said, would those people have come to begin with? When we got married pre-Covid we invited people close to us only because aside from wanting a smaller ceremony, we didn't want to pressure people who didn't really want/need to be there.

Anyway, that aside - if you're worried then why not get a renewal of vows or something like that? That way there is still a ceremony bit for people to attend if you're worried about that. 😊

TTCat39 · 27/01/2021 13:15

If I was invited to a future party of any kind right now I would be so thrilled to have something to look forward to, I would definitely commit to going! And, if something is important to a friend, it's important to me. I'd be there with bells on!

notalwaysalondoner · 27/01/2021 13:17

I’d come but I’d highly suggest you position it as a wedding - it’s irrelevant if the ceremony happened a while beforehand. We went to a wedding in Canada where they’d got married the week before as their venue wasn’t licensed but they still had a ceremony, it was lovely. Not saying you need to go that far but I’d not make a big deal of it not being a “real” wedding if you have lots of friends who’d have to travel.

rhowton · 27/01/2021 13:21

My friend was suppose to get married in May 2020! I'm a bridesmaid. She ended up marrying in October 2020 with 15 people and her party is on a Monday in July. It was literally the only free day as so many people are having midweek weddings! We will be going because we love her and it's a party! 2 days off work isn't the end of the world! However, I really doubt she will be having the party she wants in July either, sadly.

M0rT · 27/01/2021 13:24

I have been to a few later wedding parties, for different reasons.
Small wedding abroad, imminent and recent bereavements are the most common.
I love them! It's like a really good night out!
They usually start in the evening so if they are nearby the most A/L needed is a half day.
No hanging around for photos and people are much less drunk by the end.
I wouldn't like another ceremony and full day though if I knew they were already married.

CheltenhamLady · 27/01/2021 13:26

Op, it sounds wonderful.

Post covid we will be going to anything and everything that we are invited to! An overnight stay anywhere now is the stuff of dreams!

I imagine a lot of people will want to celebrate your joy as such moments have been very limited recently.

Enjoy.

DaisyHeadMaisy · 27/01/2021 13:27

I would come to a friend's wedding party. From a legal perspective it's quite important to get married before starting a family so it's totally understandable to have the ceremony now with only a small amount of people and have the big party later.
I don't think your situation will be unusual OP, I think we will see a lot of wedding parties over the next couple of years given the circumstances.

frazzledasarock · 27/01/2021 13:29

DH & I got married in October with fifteen guests. We fully intend to have a big party at our wedding venue decorated in masses of flowers once covid is over.

I’m not going to say it’s a wedding it will be a massive party and we’ll all be delighted to finally see family and friends again. We’ll probably do a vow renewal also.

And goodness am I looking forward to whenever it will be.

So in answer to your question I’m more likely to go to a friends (non)wedding post covid than I would have been pre as I’ve missed all our loved ones so much.

ivfbeenbusy · 27/01/2021 13:30

Given the covid circumstances and the limit on wedding numbers then yes we would absolutely attend a post wedding party - please don't wear your wedding dress though - that would be a bit weird 🤣

Any other time ie if covid had never happened then no we wouldn't attend as often seems like an excuse to obtain presents/gifts etc from people you didn't want at the main event

Playnoh · 27/01/2021 13:36

I’d go and I’ve been to weddings like that (before Covid).

ellenleaves · 27/01/2021 13:40

I'd probably come but wouldn't make as much effort as for a wedding. So if it was expensive for me to attend/hassle to sort childcare/time off work etc, I'd be less likely to come than if it was a wedding.

I like celebrating and parties regardless of the reason so I would try.

ZackaryQuack · 27/01/2021 13:43

Definitely! Although to be honest my family and friends look for any excuse for a get together (so big a so spread out that any occasion is an OCCASION haha)

Lweji · 27/01/2021 16:18

If you could time it to your first wedding anniversary, I think it would be even better.

HikeForward · 27/01/2021 17:11

I might if I were a close friend or family member. But I think it’s weird to call it a ‘wedding party’ if you’ve been married a year?

Why not organise a party instead?

Calling it a wedding party implies you want cards, gifts, all the fuss and ceremony of a real wedding. Guests will have to travel, book time off work, pay for accommodation but won’t actually see you get married? I think wedding parties are special in a way as they celebrate a couple starting a journey together, an ancient tradition. That’s why people go to such effort and expense for a real wedding. If you’ve been married a year already it’s a bit late to call it a wedding party, especially if you plan to wear a white gown and do the traditional first dance etc.

ZoeTurtle · 27/01/2021 17:18

Absolutely. The ceremony and the waiting around afterwards is boring as fuck.

I'd quite like to see your wedding dress though, which might be weird for you to wear a year after the ceremony!

Crazycrazylady · 27/01/2021 17:25

No but then I would only travel abroad for an immediate family wedding .