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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry people might not come to a wedding that’s not a wedding?

176 replies

WeddingGirl2021 · 27/01/2021 10:50

I quite like the idea of a small wedding (although a restriction of 15 people would mean no friends at all once immediate family had been invited) with a party to follow at some point. My partner and I would like to start trying for a baby at some point in the not too distant future so it would obviously make sense to be married first or at least to have a wedding booked. However I just can’t help but think that people won’t be willing to travel/take time off work to come to a party that’s not actually a wedding. I do feel it’s the ceremony that’s the important bit (as we hear on threads about reception only wedding guests 😉) and that’s basically what the party would be, a reception an entire year after the ceremony!

So answering honestly, if you were my friend or distant(ish) relation and I invited you to a wedding party next year that involved travelling/potentially taking a day of holiday then would you come?

(I would, by the way, if I received that invitation. I’m just worried that other people wouldn’t!)

OP posts:

moose62 · 27/01/2021 11:28

I had a registry office wedding for close family only. 6 weeks later we had a large party with dinner for about 100. Everyone came and everyone dressed up. It is amazing what free food and drink will do!

purplecorkheart · 27/01/2021 11:28

Honestly I probably would if it was a family member but probably not unless you were a close friend. A lot would depend on how far I have to travel and also what accommodation options and the prices are avaliable.

maxelly · 27/01/2021 11:28

I definitely would come, and enjoy it too. I know plenty of people that for cultural, religious, practical or emotional/preference reasons had their legal ceremony separate from the 'party'/reception part of proceedings, and people still came and still enjoyed themselves. On some occasions the party part was held very far apart from the legal wedding itself, on one notable occasion DH and I were surprised to receive an invitation to the wedding reception of one of his cousins who's legal wedding we'd actually traveled some distance and at some expense to attend 5 years earlier! They'd mentioned at the time they might hold a 2nd 'proper' reception as the ceremony was family only for various reasons, but by that point we'd sort of thought they'd given up on the idea . We still went, and had a good time though!

You have to remember on MN people really really dislike weddings, especially wedding receptions, and view being invited to one as a personal affront and enormous inconvenience, tantamount to being asked to donate your first-born child's soul for the enhancement of the bride's life (it's always the bride's fault). The preferred procedure is to get married in the briefest and driest possible ceremony, held at a bus-stop wearing a dress fashioned from binbags, with the local vagrants as witnesses, anything more is regarded as abhorrent attention seeking, flashy and a waste of money (stole that from another thread ) so you won't get representative answers here especially on AIBU!

I think if you are worried people will be offended at not having been asked to the 'proper' wedding you could always wear your wedding clothes, have a bouquet etc and do a 2nd ceremony to make it feel more 'wedding-y'. Being liberated from the legal requirements means you could make any ceremony much more personal and 'different' if you like that kind of thing - a lot of religious ceremonies from non-Christian faiths are not legally valid in the UK so it's very normal to do this if you are a Muslim or a Pagan or any other faith than Christian really! You can also do things like have a friend or family member or other non-registrar person lead the ceremony, and write your own vows or use non standard ones, if it doesn't have to be legally binding. Or you could do a very simple ceremony where you re-exchange simple vows, again you would be liberated from the need to do it in a legally registered venue so it could just be 5 mins at the start of the party. But obviously if you'd feel weird about that given you will actually have been legally married for a year or more then don't, it's your wedding! People will absolutely understand given what's gone on with Covid. And if they don't, and don't attend, then is it really a huge loss? I'm sure you can manage to have a good time regardless!

fairislecable · 27/01/2021 11:28

My DD got married in a tiny registery office and most of the guests could not come so after the official stuff she then went to the venue (marquee) and had a ceremony written by themselves. Under a wooden arch.

The second ceremony had readings by friends and relatives and the bride and groom wrote their own pledges.

It was really lovely and with hindsight the she would have got the registry stuff done on a different day as that part meant nothing to them.

PeachScone · 27/01/2021 11:29

I got married in the summer, 30 people and no reception. Everyone we invited came and some had to travel but no one more than 2 hours drive I think.

ExConstance · 27/01/2021 11:31

Yes, get married in secret at a register office with two strangers as witnesses (ask on Mumsnet, there are always loads of volunteers)

After the pandemic is over have a proper wedding, but with a wedding ceremony that is not of the legal kind - exchange of vows, hymns or songs the whole shebang. You could either keep completely silent about he original marriage of just say it was for the paperwork and not your wedding.

I love weddings and would certainly go to a post lockdown party, but it would be so much nicer to have some sort of ceremony too.

Apple40 · 27/01/2021 11:32

Sorry I would not take time off work for a wedding or a party as being self employed I can not afford the loss of income this would have been the same answer before covid. I also have children to consider if they had been invited too would not let them miss school just for a party etc

Hersetta427 · 27/01/2021 11:32

No not if it meant taking time off work ( and certainly not if the kids were at school). If its 'just' a party I would expect it to be at the weekend otherwise in reality it might require 2 days off work.

sosotired1 · 27/01/2021 11:33

Definitely, you could always have some kind of ceremony if you wanted. Loads of people I know got married in a registry office first and then had another celebration. Not the same thing but we had a funeral for my father in the last lockdown so hardly any guests and will have a memorial for him once lockdown is over. Definitely right to get married now too before you have a baby!

Original poster

WeddingGirl2021 · 27/01/2021 11:33

I think if you are worried people will be offended at not having been asked to the 'proper' wedding

If there was a 15 person limit (less if that includes the registrar!) then we wouldn’t be inviting any friends at all so hopefully nobody would be offended! If it went back up to 30 people then that would be considerably more difficult... too many to be a ‘small’ wedding but not enough to invite everyone that we’d want to invite!

OP posts:

bridgetreilly · 27/01/2021 11:34

Not everyone would come, but honestly, if you wait until all social restrictions are lifted, most people will be desperate to come to a proper party!

Original poster

WeddingGirl2021 · 27/01/2021 11:35

@NoProblem123

I’m literally drooling at the thought of coming to your party and we hardly know each other! Just the thought of an invite stuck on my fridge cheers me up, so imagine how your friends will think

Oh thank you

I am considerably cheered up now!

OP posts:

SatishTheCat · 27/01/2021 11:35

It’s an important life event and as a friend I’d be more than happy to book time off work to come and celebrate with you. If you feel comfortable with it you could consider putting on a zoom link for the actual ceremony so that those who cannot come in person can still feel included.

bridgetreilly · 27/01/2021 11:36

Oh, but also, set your expectations realistically. Even if it is your actual wedding, not everyone will be able to come.

mumto2teenagers · 27/01/2021 11:36

Yes I would come. People will understand the reason why they couldn't be invited to the wedding due to the restrictions.

My cousin got married in December and just had immediate family, he is planning on having a party to celebrate his first anniversary, it will be in the hotel he had booked for his wedding.

BeastOfBODMAS · 27/01/2021 11:37

If you have friends and family clustered all over the place, maybe instead of asking them to all travel to you for one big party, you could do the visiting?

DH’s family are the other end of the country and we got married in a registry office last year. We will probably travel up and take everyone out for a meal locally, rather than expect 3 sets of siblings, partners and 11 assorted children to co-ordinate travel to us. Same with our groups of friends in various cities we have lived.

Original poster

WeddingGirl2021 · 27/01/2021 11:38

@Hersetta427

It would have to be in the school holidays, so no time off school needed for children!

I imagine it would be a Saturday but as I said earlier, quite a few of our friends and family members work on Saturdays so that’s not a guaranteed easy option unfortunately!

OP posts:

Porcupineintherough · 27/01/2021 11:39

Absolutely if I could afford whatever you have planned.

Calmandmeasured1 · 27/01/2021 11:39

No. I definitely would not waste a day of annual leave and travel to it.

SunsetBeetch · 27/01/2021 11:40

I'd much rather go to the party than the ceremony, personally.

LawnFever · 27/01/2021 11:41

I would, knowing that so many people can’t currently have a big wedding reception by next year I’d love an invite to a celebration party

GetTheDebtGoneIn2021 · 27/01/2021 11:41

I would be unlikely to book a hotel for a party, unless you have a reputation for throwing brilliant parties!

sashh · 27/01/2021 11:41

After covid? Any arty going I will be there.

30 years ago I went to a wedding party, the bride and groom had a small wedding (they picked their guests up on a route master bus) and two parties, one in the North of England where the bride was from and the other on the south coast where the groom was from.

Some people went to both. I think only the bride and groom and their children went to all three.

Nicknamegoeshere · 27/01/2021 11:42

In a similar position. We will just get married with the 15 guests when we can. Won't bother with another party as it's pretty pointless to us. Our family will be included in the 15 so that is all that matters really.

Kilcaple · 27/01/2021 11:45

I think some of these replies suggest the weirdly jaundiced approach Mumsnetters have to what they see as being 'relegated' to evening guests at a conventional wedding, and they're also assuming that for this post-wedding party, they will still have to buy a special weddingy outfit and stump up for a present, even though they weren't important enough to be invited to the actual wedding (even though this is because of Covid, not being b-list guests).

I think that, as pps have said, there's going to be a whole lot of these parties happening in the next couple of years, and that people will get used to them, but I think you may also have to be a bit more explicit about your expectations -- are you expecting presents? What's the dress code? Will there be a meal? Dancing? Are you billing it as a 'party' or a 'wedding without the legal part'? How many people are you inviting, and will you be inviting people from a distance?

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