Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry people might not come to a wedding that’s not a wedding?

176 replies

WeddingGirl2021 · 27/01/2021 10:50

I quite like the idea of a small wedding (although a restriction of 15 people would mean no friends at all once immediate family had been invited) with a party to follow at some point. My partner and I would like to start trying for a baby at some point in the not too distant future so it would obviously make sense to be married first or at least to have a wedding booked. However I just can’t help but think that people won’t be willing to travel/take time off work to come to a party that’s not actually a wedding. I do feel it’s the ceremony that’s the important bit (as we hear on threads about reception only wedding guests 😉) and that’s basically what the party would be, a reception an entire year after the ceremony!

So answering honestly, if you were my friend or distant(ish) relation and I invited you to a wedding party next year that involved travelling/potentially taking a day of holiday then would you come?

(I would, by the way, if I received that invitation. I’m just worried that other people wouldn’t!)

OP posts:
QueenOfPain · 27/01/2021 11:48

If I would have made the effort to come to your wedding then I’d make the effort to come to your party. If you’d had an earlier ceremony of 15 people that literally only allowed immediate family, then there’d be no sour grapes.

If like you mentioned numbers had gone up to 30, and we have what we’d consider a close friendship and I hadn’t been one of the 30, then I might reassess what priority our friendship had in my life, but I’d probably still come to the party so as not to cause a big “oh, why didn’t QueenOfPain come?” drama. Also, if actual close friends had been cut from the 30 list to accommodate other friends husbands as accessories for the day, that would rub me up the wrong way.

Viviennemary · 27/01/2021 11:49

I don't see the point. But I might come all the same.

waterproofed · 27/01/2021 11:49

I’d come. A few of my friends did that and the events were always well attended.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 27/01/2021 11:49

Yes, I would come - of course!

You could do a short replay of your vows, or show a short video of the actual ceremony.

QueenOfPain · 27/01/2021 11:51

You could also have some kind of non-legally binding celebrant do a bit of an informal “service” or “hand fasting” or something on the party day, so that your party guests get to see something ceremonial but isn’t the actual wedding.

maxelly · 27/01/2021 11:54

That's very sweet of you Bodmas, and if that's the way you want to celebrate your wedding good on you, but for OP and anyone reading this, I don't think most people expect the bride and groom to do the travelling as standard (just in case that was how that was interpreted and caused anyone to worry).

I know people on MN have a real horror of having to travel to events, especially if they have young children or other limitations on their ease of movement so I do understand why people get annoyed at seemingly arbitrary choices to hold weddings in the remote scottish highlands or famously Maui Grin at huge inconvenience to all the guests, when there's no connection on either side to that location, but I don't think that needs to extend to a wedding being held either where the bride and groom live, grew up, or in a considerately chosen 'other' location in the UK, even if that means some or most of the guests will have to travel to get to it. It is pretty normal to have friends and family spread around the country and even internationally these days, I think I know very very few people whose whole family and social circle live within a narrow radius, and for a couple to be able to do a wedding local to all the guests, that would have to be the case for both the bride and groom, which surely would be really quite unusual! Even then, everyone's definition of 'local' and 'travel' varies, so if granny lives in village B and Mum and Dad live in the next village over and bride and groom and their friends live in the nearest town, even if they pick a local registry office and the pub next door for the reception there will be some 'travel' involved for someone. I know my own dear late grandmother used to make preparations and fuss as though she was making a journey into Mordor for her monthly shopping trip to 'the big town' aka getting on a bus for 20 mins to go 10 miles or so from home Grin so I can only imagine (can't actually remember if it ever happened) how she'd react if having to go even further afield for a wedding but I'm sure she managed, even if grumpily, because if she was making the effort to go that meant it was someone she loved.

So, as long as the invitation isn't given with a explicit or implied threat of tantrums if any guests aren't able to attend for whatever reason, it is fine and not anti-social or hideously selfish to have a wedding the guests will have to travel to, surely? And while I am sure OP would prefer to have had the legal ceremony and the reception in one go, that was prevented for obvious reasons, so I don't see why she shouldn't now host a big celebration of the wedding and party when it's allowed, if that's something she and the (majority of) guests will enjoy?

KBILLY · 27/01/2021 11:56

You have to remember on MN people really really dislike weddings, especially wedding receptions, and view being invited to one as a personal affront and enormous inconvenience, tantamount to being asked to donate your first-born child's soul for the enhancement of the bride's life (it's always the bride's fault). The preferred procedure is to get married in the briefest and driest possible ceremony, held at a bus-stop wearing a dress fashioned from binbags, with the local vagrants as witnesses, anything more is regarded as abhorrent attention seeking, flashy and a waste of money (stole that from another thread grin ) so you won't get representative answers here especially on AIBU!

This is so true and I was thinking the same! I'm always amazed at the ratio of curmudgeon:normal people when it comes to weddings on MN. For the people who say "I wouldn't take a day off work just for a wedding" I wonder what they would take the day off for?

Lucieintheskye · 27/01/2021 11:57

I would, but I don't work so I'm more flexible. DH would likely be happy to book time off if we knew in advance. However the risk of your party being cancelled due to covid would definitely put me off booking anything.

The people who are willing if able to travel to see you and celebrate your marriage are the ones who matter most. Anyone else either isn't bothered or really can't make it.

Maybe ask the people you'd be worried about if they'd be willing very far in advance, and then you have an idea of numbers.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 27/01/2021 12:04

I’ve been to a couple of weddings like this. One where B&G married the weekend before with just close family and then had celebration week after and one were they got married a few months earlier abroad with very few guests and then had party in parents garden in the summer. In both cases I regarded this as I would any wedding reception. I guess this year people will be even more sympathetic as you couldn’t have a big do due to Covid-19. Could do a one year anniversary party instead?

Firawla · 27/01/2021 12:06

I would come... these are not normal circumstances, so it’s not like you chose not to invite them then randomly did a party later. It makes total sense to do this and I would 100% come

Brunt0n · 27/01/2021 12:07

I would if it was reasonably local and on a Saturday. On a Tuesday 300 miles away? No

Ellmau · 27/01/2021 12:07

Renewal of vows might work?

Quaagars · 27/01/2021 12:07

In a year, I’d come. Can’t wait for my invite

This
If possible by next year, I'd be like "whoohoo, party!" Grin

(lockdown fatigue lol)

DrCindyPops · 27/01/2021 12:09

I think receptions are normal for straight after abroad weddings or in registry offices etc but a year after is the bit I'm not sure about! Would you wear your dress again a full year after etc? I think that's the bit I'm not sure about.

MrsSmith2021 · 27/01/2021 12:10

Yup!

redsquirrelfan · 27/01/2021 12:10

You mentioned trying for a baby. A friend of mine had a very low key wedding and only had close family and a few friends. They then had a christening for their son with a big party and invited loads of people. Maybe that's a way to combine a ceremony with a party?

For me it would depend how close friends we are, but I think we've learnt to value our true friends and family more in this pandemic.

rookiemere · 27/01/2021 12:10

Oh yes absolutely. When we're able to meet again I will be looking at any excuse to do so, and you missed a proper wedding so yes I'd be there like a shot.

Tianatiers · 27/01/2021 12:14

You can have a celebrant perform a ceremony, even if you’re already legally married, and then have a party after. I’ve been to many weddings like this even before COVID, it really made absolutely no difference. It’s a celebration of your marriage and anyone who doesn’t want to come because they’re not watching a legal ceremony, well, I think they’re a bit strange frankly.

Respectabitch · 27/01/2021 12:17

I'd go to the proverbial fucking envelope right now. (Incidentally, can I come?)

Truthfully, in normal times I would probably not have prioritised it as much as an actual wedding, but I would certainly come if free and if it weren't massively inconvenient and have gone to wedding celebrations for people who e.g. got married in another country before quite happily. So you'd probably be a bit down on numbers vs an actual on the day wedding, but hey. We can't control everything in this life and I'd say go ahead and get married. The marriage is what counts.

Lorieandrews · 27/01/2021 12:19

I had 12 people at my wedding and it was amazing!

Both parents and a sister and a brother. . And one friend each. That was it. We didn’t have any more family. Because I don’t really seen them except maybe 3 times a year.

It was the best day.

We also had a big party for everyone a year later. Everyone who came to the party knew that the people at the wedding were my best friend and my parents. So that didn’t bother them.

So yeah. We did it. But this was pre Covid. I wouldn’t do it now purely based on the situation. I’d have the wedding the same. Just not the party after.

AmelieTaylor · 27/01/2021 12:20

I'd come (and I'm not a big wedding/party fan)

I think anyone 'getting married' now because it's the marriage they want, not the wedding, then I'd certainly join them for a celebration when it's possible.

I think anyone who doesn't come in this situation isn't someone you'd really want there anyway are they? (Except for people like a PP who only ever really go to the actual ceremony).

Lorieandrews · 27/01/2021 12:20

But be warned

Even though we did the small small wedding. I lost a friend because she felt she was close enough to come. Which was sad. I’d known her for 35 years. But although we were close. She wasn’t my best friend. And we were really strict on just 1 friend. Because of situations like that!

Lweji · 27/01/2021 12:20

I'd send a save the date and ask them if they intend to go. It will give you a rough idea of what to expect, so that you can then book the venue according to numbers.

But it is a great idea, IMO. And I would certainly go.

Chamonixshoopshoop · 27/01/2021 12:21

I've turned down a few 'evening only' invites before, Sorry Op.
Can you do the paperwork bit now but do a ceremony still? a blessing? I haven't RTFT so someone must have mentioned this.

I would definitely come to a day thing, with a ceremony and have friends who have done this successfully.

reluctantbrit · 27/01/2021 12:21

I would go if you are a good friend but I wouldn’t see it as a wedding. Do you plan the whole thing like a wedding? White dress, bridesmaids, flowers etc? I would find that a bit ridiculous.

It would be different if you plan a blessing or a vow renewal but otherwise it is just a nice party,