Page 19 | To think inherited money is not family money

Viviennemary · 2021-01-26T18:41:37+00:00

There have been a lot of threads about partners not sharing their earnings when the other person earns less or is a SAHP. And of course money needs to be dealt with in a fair way and shared with the other person having access. But what about inherited money. I think that belongs totally to the person inheriting. Of course if it was a huge sum you would probably give something to your partner but I certainly wouldn't think it was half theirs.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 28/01/2021 10:39

@Viviennemary

I started the thread and certainly didn't expect nearly so many replies

and they've made interesting reading. I still think inherited money belongs to the person it was left to. So they should have the say in how it's spent. Not that they should spend it all on themselves. And it shouldn't be in a joint account for the other partner to help themselves to. Another fact I happened upon a while ago is that in England inherited money is usually counted as a joint asset in a divorcd settlement but in Scotland it isn't. Happy to be corrected if this isn't right.

I agree with you OP.

I inherited quite a bit recently from my dad. Its now in my personal savings account. I adore my H and he has a VERY decent set of savings from years of hard working at his own business whilst I was a SAHM looking after our kids. He was only able to do that due to me being at home for all that time. Therefore, the inheritance now is mine- that makes us fair because we now both have significant savings. Ive now started my own business and I ploughed a good deal of the inheritance into that which I will eventually be able to claim back from the business.

We also have a joint account which we pay into equally for household bills, holidays etc

I believe every couple should have a joint account PLUS their own personal savings. You never know what life will bring and if you can, ts good to be prepared.

unmarkedbythat · 28/01/2021 14:43

I'm enjoying this thread, it's very interesting, not least the extent to which it illustrates how difficult it can be to see from the perspective of others in totally different circumstances.

Sixgeese · 28/01/2021 15:04

Joint money here, I have inherited about £100k when my DGM died, it went straight into our house.

Coldilox · 28/01/2021 15:08

It would be joint here.

Plussizejumpsuit · 28/01/2021 15:10

I think there is a big difference between it being joint money and it just being there for a partner to help themselves to. When I think of joint money I also think of it as being spent in a way which is decided jointly.

SpiderGwen · 28/01/2021 16:22

When DH got his redundancy pay out, he made the decisions on how it was spent, although we discussed it. His pension, a car, family holidays, DIY things.

When I received an inheritance, I decided how to spend it, in consultation with him. DC’s university accommodation costs, home repairs and renovation, family holiday, supporting a charity I know the relative would have been a staunch supporter of.

We as a family benefitted from both but the final decision on how it was spent.

I felt uncomfortable receiving money because someone I loved died, so I ask myself how they would have felt about it each time I use some of the money.

ConcreteUnderpants · 28/01/2021 19:16

I couldn't imagine inheriting money and not using it as 'family' money

The thought of keeping it to myself seems s bit odd

Completely agree @FrankButchersDickieBow

Deadpoet1 · 28/01/2021 19:45

DH is in line to inherit a very large sum ( our children are also inheriting their own amounts)from his parents. I, on the other hand, will inherit pretty much nothing but a few trinkets due to my parents giving the lot to my sibling ( yep, I'm being shafted !) DH's inheritance is also mine. We share everything. We have a joint account, all money goes in and out of one account.

ParadiseIsland · 28/01/2021 20:58

Reason why inherited money should never be family money UNLESS that person decides to make it so....

A really good example in this thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4149511-To-be-sick-of-my-husband-not-letting-me-buy-stuff

Here is a woman who has inherited saving form her mum and her house form her dad. She is married to someone who is financially abusive and risks loosing her house and savings to said abuser.....
I’m sure that both her parents wanted her dd’s abuser to receive half of the inheritance.... but more to The point, is still always a good idea to put everything in the common pot???

ParadiseIsland · 28/01/2021 20:59

This thread is all about how people always put all the money together, shared finances etc...
I really dint think it’s reflecting the reality at all, as shown in many threads in here where posters are very clear they do nit want to share finances and advise people against it.

ConcreteUnderpants · 28/01/2021 21:03

@ParadiseIsland I think when they say they will share the money and use it to benefit the whole family, that they are in a healthy non-financially abusive relationship.
I really gone think that thread is to be used as a valid reason for not sharing it out!

ConcreteUnderpants · 28/01/2021 21:03

Don’t not gone!

Iyiyi · 28/01/2021 21:22

My family background and my own current family set up involves lots of step families, remarriages, non marriages half siblings etc, so inheritance money is not seen as family money.

LeSquigh · 28/01/2021 21:33

Whilst I am not married we do have kids but I would NEVER share my finances like most seem to here even if I was married (and I have been married in the past). Its not a selfish thing, my DP will inherit a decent amount and I will not inherit anything but I would not dream of spending his inheritance, it just seems so wrong.

We have a joint account which we pay equal amounts in to to cover rent and bills, we earn a similar amount so this works but some months I earn hundreds of pounds more doing overtime, why would I share that with him? I earned it! I don't want to share a bank account with anyone else, everyone likes a bit of privacy when it comes to buying presents and stuff. I find it so weird that people do not take more financial responsibility for themselves.

SaltyTootsieToes · 28/01/2021 22:48

Joint for us too. My DH shares freely with me snd I with him. I would expect the same for inheritance and in fact we’ve discussed it.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 30/01/2021 12:21

We have a joint account which we pay equal amounts in to to cover rent and bills, we earn a similar amount so this works but some months I earn hundreds of pounds more doing overtime, why would I share that with him? I earned it! I don't want to share a bank account with anyone else, everyone likes a bit of privacy when it comes to buying presents and stuff. I find it so weird that people do not take more financial responsibility for themselves

We have exactly the same situation. I agree with you.
Everyone is different and it doesnt mean other people's decisions are "wrong" as some seem to imply in this thread. Relationships arent all the same and we dont all make the same decisions like some kind of unthinking, homogenous lump. I will never ever relinquish my personal bank account to only have a joint account. Ive personally observed this go hideously wrong for so many people that I think a joint account for bills, plus our own personal accounts is the best way.

I dont judge anyone for doing things differently but equally, it doesnt mean I dont care for my H simply because I choose to conduct my finances differently!

InTheDrunkTank · 30/01/2021 13:00

I guess the key difference I'm finding here is what I would actually want to spend the inheritence money on. I don't think in my household our priorities would be different. If the house needed improvements we'd want to spend it on that, if the DC could do with money for education or other opportunities we'd both want to spend it on that, if DH or I thought it would be beneficial to do a masters, have time off work to retrain or something we'd both WANT that person to have that opportunity. It wouldn't make a difference where the money came from or who it officially belonged to our priorities are pretty much the same.

MummyMayo1988 · 30/01/2021 16:45

I don't think your BU but it's a tough one.
I just inherited an amount of money from 2 relatives that passed away within a year of each other.
My DH and I have been together for 15 year, are married with 3 children and have a mortgage. I don't see it as my money - I see it as our money.
We are going to use it to buy a bigger house. Something that all 5 of us will greatly benefit from.
I suppose it completely depends on the couple. Their situation.
I couldn't imagine spending or saving this money on myself tho.

thecatsthecats · 30/01/2021 21:47

@LeSquigh

Whilst I am not married we do have kids but I would NEVER share my finances like most seem to here even if I was married (and I have been married in the past). Its not a selfish thing, my DP will inherit a decent amount and I will not inherit anything but I would not dream of spending his inheritance, it just seems so wrong.

We have a joint account which we pay equal amounts in to to cover rent and bills, we earn a similar amount so this works but some months I earn hundreds of pounds more doing overtime, why would I share that with him? I earned it! I don't want to share a bank account with anyone else, everyone likes a bit of privacy when it comes to buying presents and stuff. I find it so weird that people do not take more financial responsibility for themselves.

I think the last line nails it for me.

I love the twee patronage of the posters who can't conceive of a committed couple having anything but joint finances. But every single fucked up money thread on MN comes from a woman who hasn't an ounce of control in her life and no common financial agreement with her husband.

My husband and I have a pot we contribute to 50:50 that covers EVERYTHING. All joint spends and savings. The remainder is our own. We're not a single unit bound by financial ties, we're two individuals who love each other and are committed.

With a few k, I'd probably fund my boob reduction and maybe some lipo. My husband would just be pleased that I didn't need to save it. If I inherited six figures (not unlikely with several unmarried aunts/uncles), I'd pay off my share of the mortgage and get a much easier PT job. He'd just be happy for me.

user1471538283 · 31/01/2021 08:47

I have made it very clear to my DS that when he inherits it is for him and his children alone. If he chooses to pay off a mortgage that's fine but the money is ring fenced just in case. I've worked so hard for what I have and I've heard of too many people losing their parents money.

whattimeisitmrswolf · 31/01/2021 09:01

When the time comes (which I'm hoping isn't anytime soon) I imagine it will be used to pay off our mortgage and my half left in my will to our children - DH agrees obviously.

If I went first I'd hate to think my parents hard work went to DH 2nd wife, if anyone else is daft enough to have him

A smaller inheritance went towards a new family car but I did treat myself to a piece of jewellery to keep.

Marley20 · 31/01/2021 09:29

@47user1471538283

I have made it very clear to my DS that when he inherits it is for him and his children alone. If he chooses to pay off a mortgage that's fine but the money is ring fenced just in case. I've worked so hard for what I have and I've heard of too many people losing their parents money.

Sorry you can be as clear as you like but once you've left the money to him it's his to do with as likes.

HamAndButterSandwich · 31/01/2021 09:49

@thecatsthecats

The thing is if you're committed to each other and particularly if you have kids usually it's necessary for your lives to be intertwined, including finances. You have to make decisions about where you live, who does what childcare etc together. If you support and love each other then it's natural you'd be happy to pay for example for one person to be off work while the kids are young or for one person to be off work retraining if you think that's best for the family. One person might get a great job offer that involves moving either way one of you is taking a hit for the other (either by moving or turning down the opportunity). That's why you're partners not housemates or friends. You're willing to support each other. If you're in an abuisve relationship this can be a negative thing but if you're in a supportive relationship it's entirely positive. I can't imagine wanting to have more spending money than my partner so I can afford nice meals out or nice clothes etc and he can't.

PegasusReturns · 31/01/2021 09:51

We don’t have family money although we are a team so any big expenditure would likely be discussed.

Casiloco · 31/01/2021 20:53

Interestingly, as an IFA, I have seen all sorts of negative, unintended consequences when couples don't simply have family money and divide it into his and hers.

It can be particularly problematic in later life when one suffers ill-health, especially anything which causes a lack of capacity - e.g. Dementia.

It's best avoided from a practical point of view.