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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think inherited money is not family money

479 replies

Viviennemary · 26/01/2021 18:41

There have been a lot of threads about partners not sharing their earnings when the other person earns less or is a SAHP. And of course money needs to be dealt with in a fair way and shared with the other person having access.

But what about inherited money. I think that belongs totally to the person inheriting. Of course if it was a huge sum you would probably give something to your partner but I certainly wouldn't think it was half theirs.

OP posts:
cherish123 · 27/01/2021 19:52

I don't think anyone would give half their inheritance to a boyfriend or girlfriend.

If you are married, usually money is together, so I guess you would just share it. It might go to a holiday or car.

cherish123 · 27/01/2021 19:55

I guess that if you inherited the money you should probably have the final say.

Ginseng1 · 27/01/2021 20:12

All money is 'our' money here so wouldn't matter who inherited what. We on same wavelength with money savings n spending thank goodness.

mintbiscuit · 27/01/2021 20:37

Interesting OP has not been back to the thread they’ve started....

Rememberallball · 27/01/2021 20:52

I haven’t read whole thread yet; I inherited a fairly significant sum of money (not far off 6 figures) from a close relative. To me it is (well was as far less left now) family money and has been used to replace the family car; take a couple of decent holidays; cover relocation costs having moved from inside M25 to the West Country; covered living expenses for approximate 18 months while DH was looking for, but unable to find, work and saving him having to sign on for benefits and all the hoop jumping that involves!!

FreezerBird · 27/01/2021 20:57

It would be family money here, not least because my parents would come back and haunt me if I tried to keep it to myself. It would go against everything they believed about the nature of marriage and family I think.

(Although it's all academic as mum died last year and everything's skipping a generation and going to the grandchildren anyway.)

notalwaysalondoner · 27/01/2021 21:20

I'd say in general it's family money unless (a) you aren't married in which case it would be foolish to share it with someone when you'd have no legal recourse should you split up (of course you may choose to share anyway if you're highly committed but it is a risk) (b) you've only been together a short time or are having doubts (c) there have been previous imbalances in the past where your partner didn't share money with you or you have completely separate finances in every way.

I just can't imagine a world where my DH inherited more than a couple of grand and refused to share it with the family in terms of putting it towards our joint goals, whatever those are - home renovations/new house/private schools/pension pot/holidays etc. What would he spend it on, his hobby or going on holidays without us or buying property for rental income for him to spend on himself...? That's just not how our relationship works and I can't imagine doing that to him either.

WithASpider · 27/01/2021 21:21

I stand to inherit a substantial (for us) amount in the next few weeks. I've already said I will pay off DH's credit cards as that will free up money to make our standard of life better. There are also house repairs to get sorted, but most will be saved for a new car for me and a chunk into my pension.
I think in general the person receiving the inheritance gets to decide what it's used for. I'd be very annoyed if DH didn't at least talk through any spends with me though!

MagmaQuest · 27/01/2021 21:59

I inherited a decent chunk. Paid off the mortgage, held as joint tenants, paid for house renovations, couple of family holidays and for DH to do a masters (worked PT). We both work and earn similar amounts.

So it was used jointly but the remaining money is in my name. I don't fritter it away, it just provides a slightly nicer standard of living for us.

Gave a reasonable amount to DH to invest. Obviously if we split, that's his.

I guess I do see it largely as mine. But beyond a decent winter coat, I haven't bought myself any treats!

MaximumEffort · 27/01/2021 22:18

Def not. If you are married then all monies are split evenly between you. What is his/hers is yours and vice versa. My SiL 'hid' her inheritance and they have now split up...speaks volumes!

Mamanyt · 27/01/2021 22:48

I voted that YANBU, however, that was because you mentioned "partner" rather than "spouse." It makes a difference. Partners have no legal right to monies inherited, nor any obligation to share monies that they might inherit. When you marry, joint finances are common. However, my ex and I had three accounts. We had our household account, and each had a personal account. Our first obligation was to deposit our agreed-on amount in the household account (which I handled), and the rest was ours to do with as we pleased, deposited in our personal accounts. My ex did inherit a substantial sum during our marriage. He chose to give me a smallish amount, but I would not have dreamed of expecting him to do so, nor asking him to.

GrannyRose15 · 27/01/2021 23:18

Not only is our inherited money considered to belong to both of us ( I inherited substantially less than DH) but we also think it is not ours to spend on ourselves. It is used for the benefit of the whole family, DC and DGC and will be passed on to them when we go. The only money we consider ours to spend on ourselves is what we have earned ourselves.

FrankButchersDickieBow · 27/01/2021 23:27

I couldn't imagine inheriting money and not using it as 'family' money.

The thought of keeping it to myself seems s bit odd.

Angrywife · 27/01/2021 23:53

We're a couple.
We share our lives, our bodies, our children. Why on earth wouldn't we share our money.
Its a way of living that I have never understood

LizzyMac40 · 28/01/2021 00:51

My mum died august 2019. Her estate still isn’t settled and to be honest I have had enough. Solicitor blaming covid on the delays is BS. Don’t get me started! House has been sold with a walk in date of March except how do we empty the house under the current rules? Me and sister live over 150 miles away. Mum left stuff to us in her will. I have daily nightmares over how to get through this crap without being fined £10k which I don’t have! I can’t sleep or eat properly right now for worrying about what will happen. Sister and me aren’t a bubble so can’t go together. I have a 5 yr old and can’t leave her with anybody as no bubbles. I am beyond pissed off at the utter contempt for those of us trying to deal with grief, selling a house and just dealing with it.

Original poster
Viviennemary · 28/01/2021 01:02

I started the thread and certainly didn't expect nearly so many replies Shock and they've made interesting reading. I still think inherited money belongs to the person it was left to. So they should have the say in how it's spent. Not that they should spend it all on themselves.
And it shouldn't be in a joint account for the other partner to help themselves to. Another fact I happened upon a while ago is that in England inherited money is usually counted as a joint asset in a divorcd settlement but in Scotland it isn't. Happy to be corrected if this isn't right.

OP posts:
LizzyMac40 · 28/01/2021 01:05

As for inheriting money. Me and sis have had our fair share. Much of it has gone towards funeral bills, conveyancer bills, building repairs, and council tax etc. Yeah, you still have bills to pay for a dead person btw! 😞It’s up to us what we do with it.I am not married so OH has no legal say over how I manage my money. I know what I am going to do with it. It was left to me to deal with how I felt best. There was a clause in the will stipulating I and sis were the only people to decide on what’s to happen. And that’s exactly how it will be dealt with. Not being selfish since I have allocated £££ to the house, but I need to keep some back for my pension.

caringcarer · 28/01/2021 01:10

I am married for 15 years and have 3 children from my first marriage. DH does not have children of his own but gets on well with all ofy children. We each have our own bank accounts where we pay our own money into. We also have a joint account to pay mortgage and household bills. DH inherited a few grand from his grandpa and upgraded his car. When my Mum died I inherited £27 as did each of my 4 sisters. I put this into my bank account. I invested in a btl property and over 8 years it has appreciated a lot in value. I used the rental income to pay extra off of French mortgage which is paid off now. I gave my children a couple of thousand each. I invested in another btl property taking some of equity put to do so. DH earns more than me and will likely inherit from his own parents in future. French house is used by all of family and some friends for holidays and I cover all taxes and utilities. So shared some but kept control of capital.

FrenchFancie · 28/01/2021 04:23

In our family set up it inherited money is joint - although I hold it in my name, it’s a joint ‘pot’ to be used for the benefit of all.
We stand to inherit a large sun when an estate is settled (could be a while yet!) and that will probably be used to pay for school fees. It’s what the deceased would have wanted.

Clicketyclick21 · 28/01/2021 05:03

Eventually my parents house will be left between me and my siblings. I've ring fenced my portion by leaving the shared of the house to my children in my will. My solicitor added a line saying that my husband has no claim on my former family home. She also named my siblings as heirs after my children should anything happen to them. This way my husband and by default his siblings cannot inherit my parents home.

NotBabiesForLong · 28/01/2021 06:04

Surely it depends upon the intent of the person who gifts the money.

Eg one person would gift money so you can have frivolous fun (eg family holiday) another to help with your financial security, another for you to buy a family heirloom such as a watch, another to go towards children education/uni costs

It is the person receiving the inheritance who would understand these aims and therefore decide on how the money should be used. There is not one size fits all.

Gilly12345 · 28/01/2021 07:43

Everyone’s relationships are different whether you are married or just ‘Partners’ so peoples opinions may differ if things are complicated with children from previous relationships etc. However I think inherited money should be shared if you are married and stable but if the relationship is messy then I would have the money in a separate account so step children don’t benefit if it is not their grandparents money.

Localocal · 28/01/2021 07:45

It's family money for us, but slightly complicated if there are children from prior relationships.

mixedkebab · 28/01/2021 09:09

In our religion anything a woman inherits is hers alone. That doesnt mean I wouldnt use it to benefit my husband and children but it does mean that if he left me he would have no claim to it.

CuteBear · 28/01/2021 10:30

It depends on how much. If it’s, say, £1-2k then the inheritor should keep it for personal use. If it’s 5 or 6 figures then the inheritor should still keep it in a personal account, but morally, they should want to pay for things for their DP and DC. I don’t think it should be split 50:50 between married partners.