Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think mistakes made whilst a teenager shouldn't follow you the rest of your life?

326 replies

iwishiwasapunk · 26/01/2021 18:03

I'm probably going to get a bashing here and am prepared for it however, I didn't know where else to post and can't think of anyone in real life who would give me an objective opinion. So here goes...

When I was 18/19 I slept with my best friends (grew up together, friends since we were 6) boyfriend who she had just had a baby with. Not making excuses but my life at that time was very out of control, I was taking a lot of drugs, partying all the time, had low self esteem and I will admit very selfish and only thought of myself. I took constant risks and never thought beyond the pleasure I was experiencing in the moment at the consequences.

My friend found out and quite rightly dropped me as a friend after making her feelings very clear, she also put up a photo of me on Facebook and told everyone what I had done - I was mortified at the time but understood this was a consequence of my awful behaviour. However, she took back her boyfriend within a week.

Thankfully I had a few really close friends that stuck by me, they said they knew I made a bad decision but I wasn't a bad person.

This all happened 10 years ago, I'm now 29 and I'm not the same person I was back then at all, I have managed to build really strong friendships since then and cherish them, I have a daughter, I don't take drugs at all, rarely drink, am in my third year of uni and have went through a lot in the past 10 years which has really resulted in me growing as a person.

However, 10 years later and my ex friend still talks badly about me around town, and she always goes out of her way to get in close proximity to me when out and give me a death stare. It's really uncomfortable. The other day I was a walk down the beach with my daughter and I walked past her, her son and two of her friends and they all stopped speaking and glared at me.

I understand she hates me and probably always will but for 10 years now I avoid places I feel she is likely to be, for instance if I am invited on a night out with friends I get a knot in my stomach wondering if I will run into her so I usually just won't bother. I get nervous to go anywhere incase she's there, and I've lived like this for 10 years.

The thing is she's not even with the boyfriend anymore, he is now engaged to someone else and they have a baby.

I just wish I'd never done it but can hand on heart say I was not the same person back then that I am standing here today. AIBU to think this mistake should not follow me around for the rest of my life? Or is this what I deserve?

OP posts:
jimmyjammy001 · 27/01/2021 17:17

You can be as remorseful and sorry as you like, it still isn't going to change anything, even though you were in a bad place you still made the decision to sleep with your best friends bloke after she had just given birth, there isn't a 10 year rule where everything just gets forgotten, you have messed up big time with what you have done and it will never be forgotten or forgiven, otherwise we would all go out and sleep with who ever we wanted and then say well in 10 years time everything will be forgotten and back to normal. You are just going to have to live with your life decisions, if only you had just walked away and not got involved with him your life would be so much easier living in your home town, I'd imagine there were plenty of single blokes in your home town at the time as well.

1FootInTheRave · 27/01/2021 17:22

I think what you did is one of the worst things you can do to someone. Made significantly worse as she was your pal and had a small baby Sad her partner was no better.

Tbh, I would never forgive nor forget and I think you've got off lightly.

SilverRoe · 27/01/2021 17:26

I think you’ve done all you can to apologise, you moved on and changed so what more can you do? She can hate you forever and tbh it sounds like she will because you’re now in her mind as a mortal enemy, built up over a decade.

You can’t change her and it’s up to her how long she hates you for. That’s her business. What you can change is how you react. You’re not that person anymore. If you’d committed a crime you’d have gone to prison and then been released with your punishment done. For a moral crime? Well, how long do YOU want to accept punishment?

I think you’ve taken enough, personally. You made mistakes and you changed. That’s actually something to feel good about. Now if you were still acting like a twat that’s different but you’re not.

So change your reactions and put it in your past. If she wants to stare at you if she sees you well ok then. Up to her. It’s up to you whether you want to accept that and internalise it as shame. Or are you ready to let go of that?

Your choice really, whatever she does.

Bluntness100 · 27/01/2021 17:35

To be honest, I can totally see why you’d want her to forget it now. I totally also get why this is something she would never ever forgive you for.

Shagging her partner who she had a child with and she thought you were her best friend from the age of six. In reality you’ve no right to ask her to stop.

Lucieintheskye · 27/01/2021 17:40

@iwishiwasapunk

Yes, *@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut* post in particular was rather vile
If you aren't going to listen to people disagreeing with you, why bother making this post? You wanted our opinion but only want to listen to those who agree with you.
dottiedodah · 27/01/2021 17:40

Some people will never move on sadly .She is obviously not going to forgive you it seems .Even though she isnt with the guy now ,it stirs up memories if she sees you .Many women find it easier to blame the OW as it were .If they blame their BF ,it means they feel betrayed (which they are of course )! but if OW they can think she came on to him and make themselves feel better! I think you should just say to yourself .if you meet her you do .She doesnt own the town or the beach! Just ignore her .

GrumpyHoonMain · 27/01/2021 17:44

Pity her. She can’t have much of a life if she’s still hanging on to a guy who has clearly moved on and who probably cheated on her many times.

Bluntness100 · 27/01/2021 17:44

@dottiedodah

Some people will never move on sadly .She is obviously not going to forgive you it seems .Even though she isnt with the guy now ,it stirs up memories if she sees you .Many women find it easier to blame the OW as it were .If they blame their BF ,it means they feel betrayed (which they are of course )! but if OW they can think she came on to him and make themselves feel better! I think you should just say to yourself .if you meet her you do .She doesnt own the town or the beach! Just ignore her .
I don’t think this is about thr op being thr ow

This is about thr op was her best friend. Her best friend from the age of six. She was not just some random he hooked up with. The op was her best friend and someone she trusted. She’d just had a baby with this man. And rhe op shagged him.

There is very very few people would forgive a friend who did this, especially after they just had a baby.

Original poster
iwishiwasapunk · 27/01/2021 17:44

@Lucieintheskye I am listening to others opinions, as stated loads I know what I did was so wrong and disgusting but her post was vile. I am also allowed an opinion.

OP posts:
Original poster
iwishiwasapunk · 27/01/2021 17:45

@Lucieintheskye there is a polite way to say something, no need for nastiness.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 27/01/2021 17:45

@GrumpyHoonMain

Pity her. She can’t have much of a life if she’s still hanging on to a guy who has clearly moved on and who probably cheated on her many times.
She’s not hanging on to him. They co parent and have both moved on

Again, this is about your best friend fucking your partner.

Lucieintheskye · 27/01/2021 17:50

[quote iwishiwasapunk]@Lucieintheskye there is a polite way to say something, no need for nastiness. [/quote]
You've just called someone vile for saying the truth about you. No wonder your friend doesn't speak highly of you.

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut used the facts you've provided to prove the point that your teenage mistakes should follow you the rest of your life when they've destroyed someone else's. Just because you don't want to hear their opinion, doesn't mean it's false.

Sinful8 · 27/01/2021 17:53

[quote iwishiwasapunk]@mbosnz yes she has had many, many heartfelt apologies. She told me not to contact her again as it just brought up memories so I respected that but I did send her a final heartfelt apology in a letter to her but got no response (not that I was expecting one of course). [/quote]
How long before you'd have forgiven somone who did this to you?

Original poster
iwishiwasapunk · 27/01/2021 17:56

@Lucieintheskye okay, thanks for your input

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 27/01/2021 17:56

How much have you grown up Op?

Why did you really do it? Were you envious of what she had? A boyfriend, a baby? Did you see an opportunity and try to take what was hers?

Unless you’re saying you were so off your tits you didn’t know what you were doing and this was rape. Then why did you do it?

Also how did you tell her? And why did you tell her? He didn’t want to. Why did you get right in there and blow her world apart?

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 27/01/2021 17:57

@Sinful8 I wouldnt. It shouldn't be forgiven. I've been cheated on and personally I hope the both of them burn in Hell.

Marinaloves · 27/01/2021 18:00

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut
Hell doesn’t exist
Karma doesn’t exist
All types of people do shit things
It’s common
Don’t hang onto others actions.

Original poster
iwishiwasapunk · 27/01/2021 18:04

@Sinful8 as soon as I felt able to I suppose.

OP posts:
nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 27/01/2021 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
iwishiwasapunk · 27/01/2021 18:09

@Bluntness100 honestly because I was drunk, horny and selfish and was not thinking of the consequences or anything but my own pleasure at the time. It was nothing to do with wanting her life. I could have had that life if I wanted it, I didn't.

I told her because I knew I couldn't continue being friends with her after doing something like that and she asked what was up as I was acting strange so I told her. You can't win in this situation. Because you will now say how I selfishly told her to ease my own guilt and I should have kept it to myself, however, if I kept it to myself you would say the opposite and say that if I had an ounce of remorse I would have told her immediatly. Can't win.

OP posts:
Pillowcase123 · 27/01/2021 18:21

You could win by not sleeping with your best friend's partner when she'd just given birth? Confused

Always confused by people who hurt someone else then get try and dictate how angry or upset they get to be

AllMyPrettyOnes · 27/01/2021 18:23

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

You deserve it. Teenagers know right from wrong.

Quite frankly, if you are old enough to take drugs and destroy your friends (and her tiny baby's)family by fucking her husband then you are old enough to live with the consequences.

I should hope she isn't still with him after he cheated on her with her druggie mate otherwise she needs to get some self respect.

The same goes for forgiving you. That isn't something that you just put in the past, it isn't a mistake. You don't accidentally betray someone. I don't buy that you are now a better person simply because you are expecting to just go oh I was young and on drugs and be absolved of all responsibility.

She has every right to talk badly of you.

Hah! Get over yourself.
WeAllHaveWings · 27/01/2021 18:36

As sincere apologies haven't worked i would be tempted to try another tact. Next time she stares you out tell her calmly - it's been 10 ten years, and you feel sorry for her that she hasn't been able to move on from a one off stupid stupid teenage mistake and this obsession she has with you, but you have moved on and grown up and simply refuse to feel guilty about it anymore. Then just ignore her wherever she shows up.

Wolfiefan · 27/01/2021 18:37

You can win. By not sleeping with someone else’s partner.
Honestly you don’t sound very self aware at all. Maybe time to make a new life somewhere else and leave all this teenage angst behind.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 27/01/2021 18:39

Bloody hell some harsh responses on here!

OP - you don’t owe her a purgatory life. You made a terrible choice and causes immeasurable pain. You can’t undo it but the fact that you have completely changed is the closest you can come to atoning for it.

It is up to her to forgive now. She probably never will but that still doesn’t mean you need to keep accepting ‘punishment’ from her.

Live your life happy. It is precious. Hold your head up high and if you ever need to defend yourself then do so with (an edited version of) your op. Some will judge, others will accept and move on. You need to do the latter for yourself and your dd.