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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think mistakes made whilst a teenager shouldn't follow you the rest of your life?

326 replies

iwishiwasapunk · 26/01/2021 18:03

I'm probably going to get a bashing here and am prepared for it however, I didn't know where else to post and can't think of anyone in real life who would give me an objective opinion. So here goes...

When I was 18/19 I slept with my best friends (grew up together, friends since we were 6) boyfriend who she had just had a baby with. Not making excuses but my life at that time was very out of control, I was taking a lot of drugs, partying all the time, had low self esteem and I will admit very selfish and only thought of myself. I took constant risks and never thought beyond the pleasure I was experiencing in the moment at the consequences.

My friend found out and quite rightly dropped me as a friend after making her feelings very clear, she also put up a photo of me on Facebook and told everyone what I had done - I was mortified at the time but understood this was a consequence of my awful behaviour. However, she took back her boyfriend within a week.

Thankfully I had a few really close friends that stuck by me, they said they knew I made a bad decision but I wasn't a bad person.

This all happened 10 years ago, I'm now 29 and I'm not the same person I was back then at all, I have managed to build really strong friendships since then and cherish them, I have a daughter, I don't take drugs at all, rarely drink, am in my third year of uni and have went through a lot in the past 10 years which has really resulted in me growing as a person.

However, 10 years later and my ex friend still talks badly about me around town, and she always goes out of her way to get in close proximity to me when out and give me a death stare. It's really uncomfortable. The other day I was a walk down the beach with my daughter and I walked past her, her son and two of her friends and they all stopped speaking and glared at me.

I understand she hates me and probably always will but for 10 years now I avoid places I feel she is likely to be, for instance if I am invited on a night out with friends I get a knot in my stomach wondering if I will run into her so I usually just won't bother. I get nervous to go anywhere incase she's there, and I've lived like this for 10 years.

The thing is she's not even with the boyfriend anymore, he is now engaged to someone else and they have a baby.

I just wish I'd never done it but can hand on heart say I was not the same person back then that I am standing here today. AIBU to think this mistake should not follow me around for the rest of my life? Or is this what I deserve?

OP posts:
PandemicAtTheDisco · 27/01/2021 15:17

My friend moved away because people objected to her attitude and showed their dislike. People ask how my friend is doing. They seem to want to hear she is having a hard time and facing karma. They don't want to hear how successful she is and happily settled down. She has escaped justice for her actions and people resent that.

Lucieintheskye · 27/01/2021 15:28

[quote iwishiwasapunk]@Lucieintheskye I'm not a bad person. But I did do a bad thing. [/quote]
Easy for you to say.

Original poster
iwishiwasapunk · 27/01/2021 15:53

@Lucieintheskye so one horrible mistake I made 10 years ago as a teenager whilst under the influence and I'm an inherently bad person?

OP posts:
Original poster
iwishiwasapunk · 27/01/2021 15:57

@Lucieintheskye I think that's very closed minded tbh

OP posts:
Indecisive12 · 27/01/2021 15:59

You can’t just blame the drugs. You may have been in a bad place but you still made the choice. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, it means you live with the consequences.

Lucieintheskye · 27/01/2021 15:59

You seem to be making this all about you, how you're coping with your 'mistake' You chose to do what you did and will live to regret it. Your friend didn't choose to be betrayed by someone she trusts and will live to never trust anyone in the same way again for fear of the same thing happening to her.

DaisyHeadMaisy · 27/01/2021 16:08

You seem to be making this all about you, how you're coping with your 'mistake'

Yes that is the impression I am getting too. I can imagine what OP has done has affected this lady's life in so many ways, has she had good quality relationships since? Did she feel able to have more children? I imagine your baby's father cheating on you with your best friend could potentially lead to PND. But poor OP feels uncomfortable going on a night out Hmm

PandemicAtTheDisco · 27/01/2021 16:12

She was your best friend. How did she find out? That will also figure in whether you have a chance to be forgiven.

People can make all the excuses for drunken mistakes but at the end of the day are held fully responsible for their actions.

Norwayreally · 27/01/2021 16:16

I think it’s like this in small towns and villages though, it always has been. Lots of residents have lived there their whole lives (sounds like you and this woman have) so everyone knows everyone and doing something like you did is the sort of mud that sticks basically. It’s why a lot of people leave places like this because you’re right, a shitty mistake you made a decade ago in your teens shouldn’t still affect your life.

She needs to grow up and move on. I wouldn’t expect her to be friendly with you by any means, this wasn’t just a throwaway boyfriend for her- they have a child but I wouldn’t expect her to still make a huge effort to make you feel like shit every time she sees you.

Original poster
iwishiwasapunk · 27/01/2021 16:20

@PandemicAtTheDisco I told her two days after it happened, she knew something was up as I wasn't taking her phone calls. I went round to her house and told her then her boyfriend denied it for a few hours before eventually admitting it when his mum went over.

OP posts:
Original poster
iwishiwasapunk · 27/01/2021 16:21

@Lucieintheskye okay but one mistake does not make me a bad person for the rest of my life, I'm not bad at my core, that's my point.

OP posts:
nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 27/01/2021 16:29

You deserve it. Teenagers know right from wrong.

Quite frankly, if you are old enough to take drugs and destroy your friends (and her tiny baby's)family by fucking her husband then you are old enough to live with the consequences.

I should hope she isn't still with him after he cheated on her with her druggie mate otherwise she needs to get some self respect.

The same goes for forgiving you. That isn't something that you just put in the past, it isn't a mistake. You don't accidentally betray someone. I don't buy that you are now a better person simply because you are expecting to just go oh I was young and on drugs and be absolved of all responsibility.

She has every right to talk badly of you.

Original poster
iwishiwasapunk · 27/01/2021 16:35

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut Please point out where I have claimed I am absolved of all responsibility? I take full responsibility.

OP posts:
Fembot123 · 27/01/2021 16:39

The minute she took him back she should have forgiven you by proxy too, why should you take all the blame! It’s fucking typical. No this shouldn’t follow you around for the rest of your life.

Lucieintheskye · 27/01/2021 16:39

[quote iwishiwasapunk]@Lucieintheskye okay but one mistake does not make me a bad person for the rest of my life, I'm not bad at my core, that's my point. [/quote]
And I've made it my point that it's easy for you to say that because it makes you feel better but you aren't innocent at all. There's nothing your friend can say or do to make herself feel better, she will always remember what you did. It's great that you're happy to live with what you did but she doesn't have a choice. You don't get to decide if you're a good person or not, your actions decide that for you.

Fembot123 · 27/01/2021 16:41

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

You deserve it. Teenagers know right from wrong.

Quite frankly, if you are old enough to take drugs and destroy your friends (and her tiny baby's)family by fucking her husband then you are old enough to live with the consequences.

I should hope she isn't still with him after he cheated on her with her druggie mate otherwise she needs to get some self respect.

The same goes for forgiving you. That isn't something that you just put in the past, it isn't a mistake. You don't accidentally betray someone. I don't buy that you are now a better person simply because you are expecting to just go oh I was young and on drugs and be absolved of all responsibility.

She has every right to talk badly of you.

Are you the friend?? What an unpleasant and unbalanced post, the friend forgave the father of her child in a week, that’s what happens when kids have kids.
Original poster
iwishiwasapunk · 27/01/2021 16:45

Yes, @nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut post in particular was rather vile

OP posts:
Indecisive12 · 27/01/2021 16:46

@Fembot123

The minute she took him back she should have forgiven you by proxy too, why should you take all the blame! It’s fucking typical. No this shouldn’t follow you around for the rest of your life.
Whilst I agree with this principal the friend still had to have him in her life to some extent as he was the father of the baby. Yes she didn’t have to be in a relationship but maybe she was trying to be a family for the baby. She had no such incentive to forgive the OP, it doesn’t mean she is solely blaming OP.
Kilcaple · 27/01/2021 16:48

[quote iwishiwasapunk]@Lucieintheskye okay but one mistake does not make me a bad person for the rest of my life, I'm not bad at my core, that's my point. [/quote]
I'm genuinely not clear on the distinction you're making here, OP. You did something terrible to your best friend ten years ago, which is presumably all she's concerned about, rather than your overall moral compass.

How would what you did be different if you were, as you put it, 'bad at your core'? Your narrative is clearly that you are a good person who 'made a bad decision', but other than allowing you to live with yourself and maintain a different narrative of who you are to your former friend's version of you, I don't see what the distinction that you're clinging to is.

Are you saying she should stop badmouthing you because you've never done any other bad things since, hence you're basically good? Are you saying it's so long ago she should stop badmouthing you because there's some social statute of limitations on this?

I'm also interested in why you chose to stay in a smalltown environment in which, some significant percentage of the times you leave your house, you will encounter this negative narrative of you -- do you feel that she 'wins' if you move away?

Changechangychange · 27/01/2021 16:48

Even if all of your friends and family are in this town, you could move to the next town over after graduation so you aren’t bumping into her in Tesco’s.

It is ridiculous she is still harping on about it ten years later. Fair enough to not want to be friends with you, but she is making herself look like a bunny boiler by asking her friends to cold-shoulder you. Unless they are all drama-llamas too, which frankly a lot of incestuous small-town mum cliques can be. No sense of perspective.

phoenixrosehere · 27/01/2021 16:59

And I've made it my point that it's easy for you to say that because it makes you feel better but you aren't innocent at all.

OP knows she wasn’t innocent in it. She actually took responsibility for her actions by telling the friend while boyfriend straight lied to his girlfriend’s face and then fesses up after a few hours that it was true yet friend forgave him quickly over OP. OP could have kept her mouth shut and friend would have probably never known, but then OP would be an even worse person if she had done so and it somehow came out later down the road or had gotten pregnant by him too.

I’m not surprised that some friends stuck by OP. I’d be questioning the mental capacity of a friend who would forgive a partner so quickly after they slept with their best friend and then lied about it to their face, pregnant or not.

Gin4thewin4 · 27/01/2021 17:00

Op, I have done many a bad thing in my teens, some shameful, some silly and some downright nasty.
But I DO get where you are coming from that at the time it is like you have no sense of consequences.

Having said that, my best friend at the time betrayed me unimaginably.
It took me years and years to process and it left me with all sorts of mental scars. (But I would like to point out I was still young then)
This continued until possibly the age of 24. I COULD NOT get my head around the betrayal. I felt unworthy and unloved in many ways because of what my closest support did to me those years ago.
However, I am now approaching 29.... and guess what? We are friends. In regular contact. I have forgiven. I have not forgotten. But I do understand mentality at that age, as while I didn't do anything to that degree, I did do some shitty things, some unforgivable.

We are all human, there is no such thing as girl code as stated before because life does not work that way.
My friend is my age too and we have both matured and grew into balanced individuals.
I trust her with my life again...... but maybe not my boyfriend Wink

Marinaloves · 27/01/2021 17:08

God there are some real twats on this thread
And they’re treating you like she is! Because you’re still filled with guilt.
stop trying to show everyone how bothered you are. In real life and on here

Sideorderofchips · 27/01/2021 17:09

My best friend slept with my husband behind my back.

She now claims she is the victim in all this and it wasn't her fault and how could I be so upset and tell people what she did.

She has to live with what she did as does he.

ZoeTurtle · 27/01/2021 17:16

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. I've changed so much in 10 years that I see 2011 Zoe almost as a different person to me. It sounds like you've completely changed too, and you don't deserve to suffer because of what 2011 iwishiwasapunk did.

But nor does your ex-friend have any obligation to forgive and forget. To her, you will always be 2011 iwishiwasapunk, the person who hurt her really badly.

I think you just have to accept that she won't stop bad-mouthing you and try to stop being annoyed by it. Actions do speak louder than words and anybody who knows you will see that you aren't the person she rants about.